19 from 2019

It's that time of year when people are posting their "tops" from the past year and I thought I would join in the memory making. These are my top 19 moments/memories from 2019 in no particular order.

1. Backpacking on the AT the first time with Backbone. There was so much in this short 25 mile out and back trip that occurred. Reflecting on it was all the little things, but the little things become the big things. It was the trip that made me fall in love with backpacking.
2. First solo backpacking trip. Need I say more?
3. Having my divorce become official. It was one of the last steps to closure that I had been seeking.
4. Planning and mostly completing my first multi-day, multi-state backpacking trek. I learned so much about myself and how much I truly loved being out in the woods hiking on this trek. It solidified future plans and endeavors for longer trips and treks.
5. Whitewater rafting with my kids down the New River in West Virginia. So much fun, they can't wait to do it again.
6. Hiking and camping in Shenandoah National Park with my kids. We absolutely loved the park and trails and the views. 
7. Relaxing on the beach in Punta Canna with a book and a beverage.
8. Realizing that while I love the beach, I am truly a mountain woman. They (and the trail) call me with a siren song.
9. Watching Hugh Jackman perform live at his concert. It was a great show with fantastic company.
10. A fun birthday and Easter celebration with my kids and my parents. Birthdays are a complicated thing for me and this year mine coincided with Easter
11. Watching my oldest nail her cartwheel on the balance beam during competitions. I love watching her achieve new skills. 
12. Watching D fall in love with rock climbing and nimbly zip up the walls without an issue. This dude of mine is a natural athlete and honestly he struggles a bit with some activities, because the skills come so naturally he gets bored. He needs a sport/activity that continually challenges him. He does well in gymnastics, but doesn't have the desire to compete. D loves basketball, but even that has become almost "boring." One round of rock climbing and he was hooked. 
13. Watching G learn complicated dives. It's a love/hate with diving. I love watching him dive, but some of those dives are a bit terrifying as a parent.
14. Watching B come into her own from First Communion to becoming more confident in some situations. She's always been an outgoing, sassy little thing, but this year, especially these past few months she has grown more.
15. Reconnecting in person with friends from Texas that I have not seen since 1998.
16. A hotel room with an in-suite jacuzzi sans kids for a night to spoil myself.
17. Coming to the realization that I really enjoy writing and applying to write for All Women All Trails.
18. Being accepted and published with All Women All Trails. 
19. Rediscovering a joy of cooking from nights of homemade traditional tacos and margaritas, fish and chips with smooshed peas, pizzas and beer, gnocchi, breakfast tacos and what feels like a thousand other little things. It was nice to cook with and for someone who enjoyed it and appreciated it. In those simple acts I found a passion again in crafting meals.

Magic and Growth

2019 taught me a lot of things. I know it was a rough year for many, and I'll be the first to admit that there have been some rough patches, but overall this year was filled with magic and growth. I ended 2018 not knowing what the following year would bring. I was looking forward to new adventures, leaving behind old pieces of me and my former life. 2018 had brought forth a lot of its own change and growth, but it was painful, so incredibly painful. The magic and growth of 2019 has not had the depth of pain of previous years, for which I am grateful.

This year I learned to take time for myself; to truly take time for myself. My running and training of the past years I used to consider as "me" time, and while it was time for me and recharged me, it was also an escape, leaving me physically exhausted and not healing on a deeper level. In 2019 I learned to take days off just for me. In the past my time off from work was for sick time or preparing for parties, or running errands, almost never just for me. My days off this year were necessary for healing, growth and discernment, as well as adventure. I took days off this year to backpack, attend a destination wedding, see my dear friend in Vermont and a day to relax and enjoy a nice hotel room with an in-suite jacuzzi.

I learned to take these days guilt free. Everyone needs time off, away from the chaos and demands of our lives, a chance to find our true self. On some of these days I was lucky enough to spend some of the time with a partner who supported me and loved me. I found magic in these days off that was able to carryover into my reality, and in these it propelled me forward. Not all growth is painful was a powerful lesson learned upon the journey of 2019.

I welcomed in 2019 with an unexpected relationship that taught me so many things, as well as helped me discover parts of me that had been hiding. I am dreaming again and setting new big goals. Goals and dreams that others will not understand, but that I hope will support. There's magic in a relationship and connection where you are recognized for you. As a person that has multiple roles, the core of me often gets lost among those roles: mom, coach, PT, analyst; and it was in this connection that I have been able to strengthen my core self.

Magic and growth have been at the heart of 2019. With the gifts that 2019 has brought I look forward to the adventures awaiting in 2020.

Christmas

I hear it every year:

I don't think I could be away from my kids on Christmas. I'd die.

No, you won't die, you'll do just fine like the rest of us. You will make new traditions and you'll find peace and joy and magic in them. This is my third year as a single parent, and I'm incredibly thankful for the arrangement I have with my kids' father. I have my crew every Christmas Eve and until 2pm Christmas Day. My family has always traditionally celebrated Christmas Eve, so this allows me to keep my traditions and I get to see their excitement on Christmas morning when they see what Santa has delivered. I am known to joke quite frequently that they go off to their dad's when they have hit that crazy part of the day when you're like go outside, go take a nap or go do something because you're driving me nuts! Just because I joke about it doesn't make it any easier to close that door as they load into their dad's car. But the truth is they NEED to see their dad and spend time with him and his family on the holidays. It's not fair to him or them, so I smile and send them off with love and hugs, knowing they'll be back tomorrow night late and all is fine.

Two years ago one of my dear friends blessed me prior to my first single parent Christmas as I was unsure what I was going to do; she told me to have a non-traditional Christmas, to go to the movies and order in Chinese food. Two years ago it was the best present I could give myself. I had just survived my first single parent Christmas in a boot and with an exorcism style vomiting child on Christmas eve. My eldest son was violently ill all over his shared bedroom (luckily missing his younger brother sleeping on the bottom bunk). There I was slugging along in my boot, having just finished setting up as Santa, trying to negotiate a sick kid and keeping all the goodies a surprise. When my kiddos left that Christmas Day I packed up, drove to the movies, enjoyed myself and came home to another movie and Chinese food.

Last year I skipped going to the movies and had a mini-movie marathon at my house, complete with Chinese, wine and leftover mimosas. I sat on my couch, enjoyed myself and texted with a few friends. I was content, at peace and just happy. I was truly at peace with how my life was, despite how different it was from what I experienced as a child.

This year originally looked to be shaping up to be a little different than the previous 2 years, but in the end it was similar. My kids served at the Christmas Eve mass, we had dinner with my parents, opened gifts and I had them in bed before 10. I played Santa and was able to get to bed around 11:30 after prepping everything for the next day. My kiddos were super excited to come rushing down the stairs and see their gifts. We played with their things, ate breakfast and enjoyed the magic of the day. When their dad arrived to pick them up they were off the wall excited to see him and spend time with him. It's this that I keep in mind when I have a few moments of missing them. They love him and need this time. I myself packed up myself and headed to the movies. I had hopes that I might have a friend join me, but that fell through. And it's ok. I enjoyed my movie, enjoyed coming home and watching another movie and eating my Chinese food while finishing up the last of the mimosas and scrolling through Facebook loving everyone's pictures.

There's a magic at Christmastime if you just look around for the miracles.

Beauty

I stumbled upon this poem earlier today and it has resonated within me quite a bit.

For you see I struggle at times with my outward appearance. I've never considered myself undeniably pretty, or stunning or anything of those terms that we use to describe beauty. It has taken me a long time and work to honestly accept a compliment about my outward appearance. I certainly don't match the typical societal ideology of pretty, and for the majority of time I'm fine with that. Though, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it bothered me at times. But then, I look down at my belly with its stretch marks, wide hips and thick thighs and think of what they've done. I've grown and birthed 4 beautiful healthy babies under my own power; I've run 3 marathons; I've hiked miles with a heavy pack; I've picked up babies, toddlers, teens, and the occasional adult off the floor from therapy. I've carried countless babies and laundry baskets on those hips. I may not be tall, lean or have perfect proportions, but I am strong, I am beautiful in my own right.

In that, my beauty comes from my love, courage, and unending light. I don't need society to dictate my beauty. Until you've walked my path, or a similar one, you don't know the courage it has taken to get out of bed and go about the day. The courage to make life altering decisions that impact not only me, but my entire family. The courage to grow, to live, to love again and not completely crumble under it all. There have been any number of days where I'd rather not face the world or my problems, but it's not part of my nature to hide away. My situation will not change unless I am willing to confront my fears and demons with light and life and love.

As I reflect on all of this I'm reminded of the new song from Frozen 2, All is Found, which is incredibly powerful.

"But can you brave what you most fear?

Can you face what the river knows?"

Do you have the strength and courage to face the memories, the fears, the insecurities?

There are certainly days when I don't have those skills, and I spend my time alone on the riverbank, awash in my anxiety and fears. For at the root of anxiety is fear; to ease my anxiety I must acknowledge my fears.

"Until the river's finally crossed

You'll never feel the solid ground

You had to get a little lost

On your way to being found"

I have spent time being lost, barely shining, just glowing and glimmering, hiding in the darkness of fear and anxiety. Those moments of being lost are the unique opportunities for growth. For I believe, that even in the those moments of discontent and disconnect, I am learning to strengthen my inner light. Each of these moments of being lost and crossing the river lead to becoming a more beautiful version of me.

30 Days of Thanks: Wrap Up

I know I'm over a week late and a few entires short of my #30daysofthanks for November. Truth be told the end of the month was chaotic. My kids went to their Dad's extended family 10 hours away, leaving me home alone. Night one was a challenge, more than I thought it would be. This isn't my first go round with them being gone for this holiday- in fact it is the 4th year, but every year it hits me in a different way. By the time the second night rolled around I was at my cousin's to prepare to work on Thanksgiving and celebrate together. I was more worried about Thanksgiving itself and the potential fallout, given that last year I was a complete and utter wreck after Thanksgiving. This year I was so tired by the time I arrived home I did not have the opportunity to be a wreck. I'm thankful for that in and of itself.

Friday following Thanksgiving I crammed in as much as possible: a quick trip to Target to pick up a few things, a short 90 min hike in the state park near me, followed by taking a belay certification class so I can take my kids rock climbing. I wrapped that day up with dinner with my parents and packing for a quick, but cold overnight backpacking trip.

Saturday I headed out 2 hours from home for an 18 mile roundtrip trek at my coldest temperatures yet. It was a fabulous trip, just cold! Overnight lows in the 20s with a real feel of 17 when I awoke. But when you wake to a sunrise like this you can't complain.

Reflecting on all the things in my life over the month of November and first week of December I see so many blessings. I am healthy, strong in my faith and family. I have a loving family and 4 amazing kids who mean so much to me. I gained two new incredible hobbies and passions thanks to the influence of an amazing man: backpacking and rock climbing. I'll be forever grateful for the introduction to them. 

As 2019 draws to a close and we all reflect on the year that was I hope that we can find the glow and joy of the good times while remembering with peace the sad moments. It's with these sad and down and anxious moments that our moment of joy, peace and happiness shine brighter.

Peace and blessings in this holiday season to you and yours.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 26

I don't often dedicate or write about a particular individual here on my blog, but today I'm thankful for my TX B. Despite the chaos of his life right now he called me knowing I was having a high anxiety night. It was just one of those nights were I felt incredibly alone, neglected, unimportant, unloved and lonely. When you have anxiety these feelings are amplified and your anxiety feeds you all kinds of lies. Even if you know within you that it's false and anxiety is lying and manipulating you, the emotions are real, the grief is real and the battle is intense. That's where I found myself tonight.

My trigger? My kiddos are gone with their dad until Sunday and I fielded question after question today about the holiday. Challenging when I celebrated my holiday already and while I will celebrate again on Thursday with family, it's not with my kiddos and that's just my reality. I also know that last year I struggled immensely at Thanksgiving and I am working diligently at choosing not to be the person I was last year at this moment. Last year my TX B was there for me, calling me when he knew I was a wreck and blowing up my phone when I wouldn't answer. I was such a wreck I refused to answer my phone that night, and he kept at it until he knew I was as ok as I was going to be in the moment. This guy is one of my best friends, despite the time apart and distance between. I am incredibly thankful for the call and support day in and day out.

It's pretty rare that I can share the raw, unedited version of events with people. Even the raw emotions and stories I share here have been edited for posterity. It's not that I'm ashamed, but the world does not need to know every detail. I can share intimate details of my life with him and know he won't judge me. He will listen, offer advice, and support me. We're amazing friends and often people think we have been lifelong friends. Truth is we were friends in middle school, and went into different circles in high school and then I moved. Thanks to facebook we reconnected a bit, but last year as he started a difficult chapter I reached out to him, and fairly harassed him until he caved and let me into his circle. It's from there that we have grown our friendship into the gift that it is. I can't be more thankful and grateful than I am at this moment. I'll be able to sleep better tonight after our phone call earlier and the silly texts to make me laugh. Good and genuine friends like this are a blessing and I'm honored to have him as mine.

30 Days of Thanks: Days 23-25

Whew! Somehow the weekend got away from me. Thus you get a catch up post.

Day 23 (Saturday) Can I just be thankful for a nap and caffeine? Seriously! My flight out of Texas left at 5am, so I was up at 2:45am to catch a ride to airport to be in line for security by 3:20am. Needless to say it was a long day, fueled with a brief nap on the plane and a short one I squeezed in at home, and a very large caffeinated coffee!

Day 24 (Sunday) On this day my family celebrated thanksgiving as my kids will be with their dad out of state per our normal arrangement. This year I expanded my table to my good friend and his family. It was great to have the crowd around the table with 2 turkeys, lots of sides, laughter and noisy children. Memories in the making. I'm thankful for the time and ability to host something like this event. I have a table large enough, enough resources to make it happen and the joy to share. Holidays can be difficult, but on this day we celebrated with love in our hearts.

Day 25: Today I'm thankful for all of you that encouraged me on my writing journey. You've read all these posts (or most of them) and had kind words. I have little training in writing of this style. My writing training has been scientific and we all know that's completely different. It's because of your ongoing encouragement that I have 3 writing endeavors on the horizon. One is already public as you're aware, the other 2 are still in the infancy stages. There will be more coming about them as they develop.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 22

Old friends.

Today, I'm thankful for old friends. I've been down in Houston helping out a friend I've had since middle school, thanks to the generosity of a high school friend. In the midst of all of this a friend I have had since kindergarten (who managed to keep track of me through 8 moves) has been checking in on me. I have some really amazing friendships that have spanned large distances, but these two in Houston have been super supportive of so many things I have endured over the past few years. It's interesting because while we were friends in those different periods of our lives we weren't as close as we are now. I would have never considered us best friends in our history, but they are certainly part of my crazy small tribe now.

I've enjoyed sharing stories with my kids about these people and the importance of friendships and how they evolve over time. There are those friends who pass through your life in a season or two and those that may lay low in the background until it's time to resurface, as well as those that are ever present. I have not had a traditional life, growing up in the same place, but instead we moved a lot while I grew up. I am friends with people from each of these junctions in my life, and thankful for all the different experiences and influences that they have had on my life. But these "old" friends mean the world to me. Love you 3 to pieces.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 21

Maybe it's a silly thing, but I'm thankful for all of the people that have encouraged my writing. I started this blog years ago when everyone kept asking how I managed it all: going to school, having babies and having a life. It's now become my personal outward journal to all of you. My goal of this blog is to share my stories in hopes that someone can relate to one of them, and know that regardless of the issue someone has been through something similar. I will not hide in shame or continually put up a false front. I did that for years and it dang near killed me. You can even see it in the history of the blog, where I stopped writing. It was too challenging to sit and write down, and I would have not been honest. So for all of you who encouraged my writing, and still do I thank you.

That being said you can follow the adventures of Leilah Grace here, and in a new spot. Check her out here on All Women All Trails. It was with your support that I even applied to write for this great site.

30 Days of Thanks: Days 18-20

I had plans to keep up daily, but with my unexpected southward trip I fell a little behind. So here we are to get all caught up.

Day 18: On this day I'm thankful for time management skills. Silly thing, but it's crucial when you're juggling a thousand different things. It's something that I am working on passing along to my children. Tough thing to teach but a valuable skills. I'm thankful for my parents and teachers working on this with me.

Day 19: Can we all just be thankful for airplanes? Seriously! Without air travel this trip would have taken a significantly longer period of time. In a matter of a few short hours I found myself 1500 miles from home, back to one of my hometowns. It's magical.

Day 20: Today I'm thankful for old friends becoming new friends again. It's been an amazing experience to be back in Houston connecting with friends I haven't seen in a long time. It's thanks to social media that I have reconnected with these people. I'm happy to be back in person with these great people.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 17

Sometimes things just fall into place. I am incredibly thankful for the little community in which I have placed myself. I'm not speaking of the physical community, but of my friends. They have rallied so that I can go help a friend of mine. Within an hour of my decision to take this cross country trip I had my kids taken care of between my parents and their dad, my shift at the gym covered and a place to crash at my destination, and airfare well within my budget.

The love in the community and network that I have is amazing. These are the people that I have chosen to support me and when they support me I can support others. I am so thankful for their generosity and support. It means a lot to me and my friend.

Not only does it mean that I can support my friend, but it teaches my children a valuable lesson. We had a discussion tonight after dinner about friendship and what it means and how we need to support our friends. My children have this opportunity to see me doing what I am able to do to help my friend AND see what our network is able to do, so that it can be accomplished. It was just earlier today that we had a quick chat about the golden rule and living your life by it; this is my chance to demonstrate a bit of that to them.

I am so thankful to my network.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 16

Today I'm thankful for social media. I know there are lots of negative aspects of social media, but I love the fact that I am able to connect with people from all different parts of my past and make new friends too. I have made some incredible friends from facebook running groups and am in the process of making new friends in my hiking groups. I made some great friends through coaching groups and spiritual groups. For me, I need all different types of people in my life. It keeps things interesting, gives me perspective and teaches me things.

Social media, while often can make me feel inadequate, as I see your amazing Pinterest creations and happy family pictures, provides me with a way to connect to the world. Being a single parent is a tough thing, a lonely thing and in a community of two-parent households often makes me an outcast. When I delve into social media and see my other single parent friends rocking the same issues I have I have an instant community. When I delve into social media and see other cool hiking women going on amazing trips I grow and dream and add things to my list of upcoming adventures. When I delve into social media and see another mom struggling with something I just dealt with I can reach out and support and create a community for her. Social media is amazing tool and I'm incredibly thankful for it.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 15, Happy Birthday Mom

As I sit every year on November 15th I am incredibly thankful for my mother. There are not enough words to describe how much she means to me and how much she does for my family. This woman has a quiet strength. You may not notice her behind my boisterous father, but she is the glue; the one who packed the boxes and the trucks and unpacked the boxes what seems like thirteen thousand times for each of my childhood moves.

She was the one who baked my birthday cakes, cookies and taught me to cook. She taught me to sew, to laugh and always told me to reach for more. She was the rock in our family when everything was upside-down from yet another move. She's there for my kids, to include putting them on the bus 4 mornings a week so I can get to work on time. She's there on days off and nights if I need/want to go out when I have my kiddos. Just a quick phone call and she'll be here.

Once when Ben was really sick she dropped everything and drove down 4 hours to stay with the kids so I could take him to the hospital. Or there was the time days after D was born that she crossed paths with Ben in the airport, coming to take care of me and 2 kids, while Ben flew home to be with his grieving family. I don't know a lot of other moms that do all the things that she has done for me and my family. I consider myself, and my kids, extremely blessed to have her in our lives.

Love you Mom.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 14

There are moments when I sit down to write that I think this will get easier. That the thing or things that I am thankful for will just come swiftly, but most nights I sit here blankly just thinking and pondering. Tonight is no different, I've sat and pondered, stalled and finally opened the laptop to type it out, but there's nothing there. It's not writer's block, or a block on what I'm thankful for, it's more a sense of the unknown.

There was nothing overly spectacular about today, good or bad. It just was. That in of itself is actually a good thing, as the past week has been a series of lows, crawling out of the valleys, only to descend again to the depths. Thus, you would think that I am thankful for a day like today, a solid mediocre day. It's not that I'm not thankful for it, but it's not the big ticket item for the day. It doesn't feel right in my gut to say that I'm thankful for my mediocre day.  Thus I'm still searching for that thing.

The best part of my day was coming home and listening to my 10 year old, D, tell me about his field trip and the pack of sheep's wool he bought. Yup, my son bought sheep's wool at his field trip. His other favorite part was hauling the firewood around during the trip. I was surprised at both his purchase and his description of the day. He's my funny little engineer man, so different than any of his siblings. Ten years have gone by and there are so many moments I don't have a clue what makes this one tick or how to motivate him. He's the smallest and wiriest of the group, and this guy pick the tuba, yes the TUBA, to play for his instrument. Let me tell you that we were all shocked. He had been talking all year about the trumpet or trombone, so the tuba came out of nowhere. Personally I think he would be good at drums, but he has no interest. I've been told by other parents I should be grateful. I don't know about that, have you heard a tuba on its own before? All that aside this little guy of mine is a joy. He frustrates me to no end and I'm usually more at a loss with him than the others, but I love him dearly. I'm thankful for his uniqueness and sweetness. There are moments he's like a little old man, salty and sweet. Gotta love him.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 12 and 13

So I swore I hit publish on my post from yesterday, but apparently not. So here's my days

Day 12: I'm a little stumped where to start today. It's been a unique day; highs, lows, frustrations and everything in-between. All in all I think what I'm thankful for the most today was some much needed down time. I took some of my time and just had some mental health breaks. I'm thankful for the ability to realize that I need them and act on them to take them. It can still be a challenge, but it is getting easier. Down-time, real down time, is crucial to my mental health. I am notorious for jam packing my days and nights and free time. While I am better at balancing it out, I still need more down time than I give myself. So today, I'm thankful for the gift of time to relax.

Day 13: Today I'm thankful for my friends who can be truthful with me. There's a lot going on in the background that I'm not sharing, but it's taking all sorts of tolls on me emotionally and even physically. With some advice from my friends I have a plan for moving forward on one piece of things. Without friends who are willing to be honest and truthful with me I'm certain life would look very different. Thanks to all the friends today for the guidance.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 11

Rainbows. I'm thankful for rainbows. It was a rough morning for no particular reason, just busy, but I felt myself teary so much of the morning. It's been an emotional rollercoaster ride, with lots of lows, and climbing out of the valleys, though no mountaintop highs to feel. I know I'm not the only one who had a rough emotional week last week. There's just something in the air, making many of us more emotional than usual. On top of that it's been triggering my anxiety. Not much I can do, but breathe through it and have faith in the change coming.

While I was driving this afternoon to pick up my youngest two from school I spotted a sliver of a rainbow. It seemed really out of the ordinary to me as there hadn't been any rain, there was lots of cloud cover, but there it was glowing for me to see. On my drive back with my little two I told them about the rainbow. We valiantly searched for it, but it seemed like it would stay hidden away to it's own secret world. As we rounded a corner I caught a glimpse of it, and then the sun shined brightly in my eyes. I grabbed my sunglasses and suddenly that hidden rainbow became incredibly clear.

It was a message to me that I needed to share with everyone. That in these troubled and tough times to see the beauty in the world sometimes you need to view it through a different lens.

From that moment forward my day improved, anxiety lessened, grace appeared and I felt more grounded. Signs from the universe are not to be ignored, but shared and enjoyed. I'm using it as a reminder that my viewpoint is always best, sometimes I need to see the other side and find the beauty. It's always there, sometimes just out of sight.

Change your lens, see the beauty, change your life.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 10

Today I was lucky enough to go on an almost 10 mile hike with a friend of mine. We haven't seen each other in a number of months, but it's lovely to just pick up where we left off. We hikes along a river, in the shade of the trees, along the rails of an old track and were lucky enough to spot a number of bald eagles enjoying the bounty of the river. Yes, for those wondering I was behaving and wearing my ankle brace, it was also mostly flat and level terrain. Nothing too strenuous for my about healed ankle. It was a lovely day.

Then I came home and it was back to reality: chores, dinner, kid chaos, etc. Life sometimes hits you smack upside the head when you return. I lost all my happiness from my hike as I was enveloped into the mess that can be my life. It was crushing me that I was losing that peace and happiness. I took a moment to play my "highlight reel"; you know the snippets of memories that are guaranteed to make you smile. It made me then realize that that was what I was thankful for today.

I'm thankful for that highlight reel, the ability to recall those happy, joyful moments, even if the situation around them has changed. While it may not have made me return to my previous level of joy and happiness, the fact that I have a highlight reel and can use it are big gifts. Do you have a highlight reel?

30 Days of Thanks: Day 8 & 9

I promise it's not a cop out! I had no intentions of combing these 2 days, but last night I celebrate a dear friend's birthday and it was 2am when I got home. So this mama went to bed!

Day 8: Yesterday I was thankful for good friends, company and my first official Philly Cheesesteak. I am blessed with some good friends and we went out to celebrate his birthday with cheesesteaks. It was a perfect end to an otherwise emotional rollercoaster of a week.

Day 9: Today is a little different. I have been home being an adult: cleaning, laundry, etc. It's not been overly fun, but it was much needed. I did get to spend some time sewing, which I haven't done in almost a year. I'll post pictures of the final product when I wear it. It's not the most beautiful thing, but it will work perfectly for what I have designed it for! Today I'm thankful for the gift of time. The time to get done what needed to be done, along with time to do a fun project.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 7

Today is a simple day of thanks. I'm thankful for music. Music speaks to me in so many ways, and allows me access to emotions that I may otherwise ignore. You can play a certain song that will bring me to tears or make me smile and laugh. Music triggers memories, and can often leave me with a sense of peace, despite the contrasting emotions.

Last evening music brought me to my knees, tears upon tears upon tears. Song after song reminded me of changes, feelings and allowed a release of unknown pent-up emotion. From The Greatest Showman's A Million Dreams to the amazing cover of it by P!nk it will never cease to strike me with emotion. Hearing the song in person at Hugh Jackman's concert brought me to tears. That's just me, who I am. Music has always been a way for me to connect and reflect my emotions. I'm thankful for that gift, as I know that not everyone connects that intimately to music.

I don't know how anyone can hear Chris Lane's Big Big Plans and not feel his emotion, or the love that Scotty McCreery has for his wife in This Is It. Don't like country? That's fine. What about the raw power behind Disturb's remake of The Sound of Silence. That one just gives me chills. Or the magical blending of Leon Bridges and Luke Combs in Beyond. I love the power and energy and feel of Leon Bridges' music, but this collaboration amazes me. Lately, if I know I need to process something, on goes P!nk's latest album Hurts 2B Human. I can say enough about all the different emotions that her music evokes.

I could go on, but at the core of it all is that I'm thankful for the music and the intimacy it creates.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 6

This morning and most of the day I had a number of ideas about what I wanted to write about tonight, but now as I sit down to write I've forgotten all of them. That's what happens when you have an anxiety spike. Your brain shuts down and you have to fight for every second. It's exhausting in ways you can't imagine unless you suffer from it yourself. There are moments that I will take the post-marathon/long run exhaustion and soreness over the relentless nature of anxiety. Today's spike came generally without warning, though tomorrow, assuming it has passed, I may be able to see the signs. Regardless, I sit here trying to find something to be thankful and grateful for. Sure, there are canned things like my health, my kids, their health, etc. but they wouldn't be genuine. My goal throughout this blog is to be genuine. What you read is me to my core, it might be filtered for the sake of protecting individuals, but the emotions behind it all are real.

I could cheat and look on facebook to see what I was thankful for last year on this day, but again, I'd know I'm not being honest. Honesty is a quality that I value highly. I'd rather you be honest with me about things than lie or avoid or ignore. Honesty takes a certain amount and type of courage that you don't often see these days. To the men and women that I know that are truly honest with me I thank you. And there it is: I'm thankful for the gift of honesty.

It may not always be well received, but it's always appreciated.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 5

The cool thing about being a mom is the mom community. I have all different kinds of mom friends in my life. I have the working moms (full time and part time). The stay at home moms (you ladies are amazing!). The single working moms (that's me!) and the moms that don't quite fall into any of those categories.

I used to be that last mom. When I became a mom I was a grad student; I didn't have a job, but I did attend school full time. I certainly didn't fit in with the new stay at home moms, and working moms didn't relate to my school struggles. It was a pretty lonely period from the mom-friend standpoint. On top of that I was the only grad student my age at that time that was a new parent. The other grad students were newlyweds, single/dating or at least 10 years my senior. It really set me apart from that group of peers as well. Then it didn't help that I kept popping out babies in grad school, so much so that I was once introduced at a major meeting for our department as the perpetually pregnant one.....

Anyhow, I've lost my track a bit here. See the thing about being a mom is that we're all moms just trying to not screw up our kids. We all want the best for them; we just do it differently. The one thing I've learned over my last 12.5 years of doing this is that none of our kids come with instructions and they're never a one size fits all approach. When you find the right Mom community things just click. Whether you're the Pinterest mom, soccer mom, dance mom, no activity mom, free-range mom, etc. we're all still just Moms at our core. I belong to a very select group of Mom groups on facebook, as so many I had joined weren't for me. This is even more so post-divorce. I don't want to listen to how your significant other did not clean up the vomit at 3am to your Martha Stewart standards, when you need to be grateful you had the assistance. And the reverse is true that those groups don't want to listen to me whine about doing it all myself with minimal help. Thus I consider myself blessed to have my 2 special communities, as well as my in-person friends.

I'm thankful for my mom friends that come in all different shapes, sizes and styles.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 4

Mondays are my day off. It's my chance to catch up on stuff while the kids are at school. Today I got to have brunch with a friend, which was a nice perk. It made me realize how lucky I am to:

1. have a weekday off every week
2. have friends willing to join me on my day off for a meal

I typically use my day offs for errands, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, etc. Today was a special day since I dedicated some time to truly just relax and be me. It's something that I am working on more and more, finding that balance between the "must do" and "want to do". I'm certainly a happier person when I take those much needed breaks and slow down. It's some of the crazy life lessons I've learned over the past few years.

Which brings me to my thankfulness acknowledgement of the day. Today, I'm thankful and grateful for the safe space that my therapist provides and the counsel. She is an amazing individual and we all should have someone in our lives like that. I know I've written about her before, but today I just wanted to take the time to recognize the work she does. This woman has guided me from a high anxiety state where I was functioning, but not thriving barely surviving, into a life where I am living and loving and enjoying life. She's graced me with the tools I need, held space when I needed to meltdown. Coached me through the meltdowns and allowed me the space to recreate me. Even when sharing my most vulnerable moments and intimate secrets I knew I was safe.

I learned that my emotions matter, that I was important. That my trauma was real and was my reality. I learned how to heal from my trauma, over and over and over again. I learned coping skills for when my anxiety skyrockets and I want to stay in bed forever, go on a crazy long run, or escape to the forest. I learned to recognize the warning signs of my anxiety and tactics to prevent the spirals.

She did not heal me; I healed me. She provided the safe space, tools and guidance so I could make the decisions I needed to make, recognize my own self worth and heal and grow. To my amazing unnamed therapist: THANK YOU.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 3

Ya'll it's been a day. We had church this morning where our pastor addressed the recent suicide in our community this week. There were so many tears and the entire church was grieving, including me, and I didn't know this wonderful young girl. What a way to start Sunday.

Then my kids, my dear sweet kids, drove me up the ever loving wall this afternoon. I should explain. I have been having significant issues getting them to pickup after themselves. As I tell them I do not expect my/our house to look magazine perfect, but goodness I would like to be able to enter their rooms and really walk. Not step gingerly over clutter, trash and clothes. After almost 6 months of being on them to clean up this mama had enough. I told them my last weekend with them that we no longer were going to have "fun" mom weekends, we were going to clean, organize and purge until I was satisfied. So, on that last weekend with them, we started. They worked in their rooms, we emptied part of the attic and cleaned and purged. This weekend we did the same thing. It involves me starting a personal project on my own stuff, running over to help someone else, separating the boys, putting someone back on task, returning to my project, etc. Over and over and over again- ALL DAY LONG. It's dang exhausting, physically and emotionally. And then B, the 8 year old, says "hey mama" and I've been "hey mama"-ed about 10000x times today and I about lose it on her. I can't help but answer with a short, exasperated "WHAT?!" and it's "what am I supposed to do with ....." You know the thing I told her to do 5x already that she forgot because she was being willfully disobedient. Needless to say, it was a rough day here in this household.

It left me wondering what I was going to be thankful for tonight. I'm certainly not truly thankful/grateful for the "stuff" that we have. I am thankful that we have had generous friends and family that have gifted us with so much, that we are able now to pass along to others. But that's not the spirit of things that I want at this moment. I've been pondering it for the past few hours, and nothing has felt genuine until I realized what S, my oldest did today. This gal tackled organizing an area in the attic that has been neglected, reorganized stuff that her siblings had just placed randomly on shelves and then sorted through 2 boxes of miscellaneous craft supplies, birthday cards, old balloons, etc (stuff I have saved to scrapbook). She did it without complaint and joyously as times. She fielded my short, if you find any anniversary cards, etc please just put them in recycle comment without batting an eye.

Thus, on day 3, I'm thankful for my eldest's gift of organization and service today.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 2

Short and sweet: I'm thankful for my dear friend Pete. He's been there over this crazy journey the past 4 years. I can't say enough how much I appreciate him.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 1

I typically attempt to do the #30daysofthanks of Facebook, but invariably miss a few days. This year I opted to switch it up and post it here. This allows me the option to write more, reflect more and be more candid.

It's November 1st and we're all coming down off a sugar high from yesterday's trick or treat extravaganza. I'll be honest, I wanted nothing more than to stay in my warm bed, sleep, read a book, watch hiking videos on YouTube and drink warm beverages today. Bonus if I would get to share those things with someone special, but alas it's a Friday and work calls with an 8am meeting. That being said it was a productive, yet frustrating day at work when I realized I had lost all of my work on a project and had to start from scratch. On top of that I had promised it to the people today, so I was on a deadline to recreate a week's worth of work in under 8 hours. Thankfully, I found a few shortcuts and was able to put it out for them as promised.

This leads me to my first thankfulness post:

I am thankful for being able to work well under pressure.

It's saved me a number of times and drives me when I need it. I know that not everyone thrives under pressure, and there are certainly times when I do not, but today was not one of them. For that, I am grateful.

Leilah Grace Adventures: The AT from CT to MA

Now that you've met Leilah Grace you need to hear about her latest adventure. I find it difficult to believe that 2 weeks ago I was asleep in a tent in Massachusetts along the AT. In fact it was my third night on the trail, with one more to go. Now, I sit in the comfort of my home under a blanket with a cat on my lap and 1 at my feet. How quickly time flies.

Two weeks ago over the holiday weekend I planned my first long hike and state crossing on the AT. I planned to hike 50 miles from Thursday afternoon to Monday morning, from northern Connecticut to a planned pickup in Lee, MA on the north side of Mass Pike. It would be my longest hike, and yet I was confident in my abilities, despite the fact that this would only be my third trip, and second solo.

I parked my car at the trailhead in CT, used the privy (bonus!) and off I went, straight up the mountain. There were no nerves, no fears, just me trying to settle into a heavier pack (yes I had my sleeping bag this time) and find that rhythm. It didn't take long for me to find my hiker legs. I knew I needed to cover at least 5 miles so that I wouldn't be forced to cover so many miles over the next coming days. That Thursday I tackled almost 8 miles and bagged my first state crossing. What I didn't anticipate was with the change in seasons that it would be dark earlier. I found myself pushing harder the last few miles to get to the camping area at Laurel Ridge as the sun was setting and I was hiking along the beautiful Sages Ravine.

It was as I approached the campsite that I realized I was nervous, I hadn't seen another hiker in a few hours and I realized there was a very strong possibility I would be camping alone. Luck was with me as I rounded the corner into the closest camping area and found a couple working on their dinner. They were there with their lovely 165# Great Dane, we called him bear repellant. I had the fun experience of hanging out with these lovely random strangers for a bit while we cooked and I set up my tent. I certainly felt more at peace knowing that there were other humans 50ft away from my tent. I also slept better cuddled into my down sleeping bag than I had on my last trip.

Friday brought sunrise, breaking my tent down and heading out. I was excited and peaceful and just happy. My hike brought me the beautiful surprise of hiking along the beautiful Laurel Ridgeline. Being October in MA the leaves were turning, the sun was out and I was in awe of the beauty that surrounded me. I couldn't help but be grateful for the opportunity to be out in this beautiful place. I was truly at peace hiking and enjoying the creations around me. I met a section hiker named Retro and we made a tentative plan for camping together later in the evening. As sunset rolled around he was nowhere to be found, I'm sure he was farther down the trail, but I needed to make camp.

Here it was, my first night truly alone. I won't lie and say I wasn't nervous- I was. I was camped next to a river with my tent backed up to the forest. It was a nice little spot and fairly protected, but I still was nervous. I had cell service and checked in with some friends, one of whom assured me that I would be just fine. That vote of confidence was the boost I needed. I did sleep a bit more fitfully, but I did it!

Saturday morning my biggest concern was water, I had about 1.25-1.5L on me and the river was not accessible. On top of that the next water crossing included contaminated water and dry sources. I had the potential of a 6 mile hike with only that water on me, for which I needed to drink and cook breakfast and clean my dishes. I was down to about 1L when I set out that morning, which I rationed out slowly as I passed dry after dry water source. It was a 6 mile hike before I found a flowing source, which involved a side trail and 1/4 mile straight downhill. For my dear Backbone's reference- just about as bad our side trail for water on our trip. The stress of minimal water and rationing water made Saturday a challenging day. I was dehydrated, tired and still had another 6 miles to go, really I wanted to do another 8, but the toll it took on my body physically and mentally was too much.

I ended my night Saturday at the closer of the 2 shelters where I was not allowed in the shelter due to some day-hikers. There was room for me in the 6 person shelter, but it wasn't worth starting an argument. Thus I pitched my tent. Truly though there were two highlights of my hike on Saturday. One was the man I ran into after my water stop who was carrying a pizza box and complaining about the hike to the shelter. He jokingly offered me some of his pizza; I almost grabbed the box and ran. There's no way he would have caught me! The second highlight of my Saturday was being approached while eating dinner in front of the shelter by a dad who asked if I minded if he smoked some weed. I told him it was fine, to which he then offered me some, claiming it was "high quality." I politely declined (just not my thing) and thanked him for his courtesy. I did learn the following day that it's legal in MA so all was good.

Then came Sunday, a high mileage day. I had 15 miles to cover to the next shelter and I needed to do it to make my Monday morning pickup. Within the first 2 miles of the trail I stumbled badly, my right pole jammed between rocks, my right foot planted, my body twisting right and then left. I felt a pop and pressure in my right ankle and then pain. Not excruciating pain, but pain nonetheless. Here I was at the point of one of my biggest fears- potentially injured, alone in the woods, and likely no cell service. I shook off the ankle and continued to hike. I could put weight on it, and at times it was painfree. After 5 or so miles of hiking on the ankle I was in near tears, my ankle was intermittently throbbing, my legs were burning from the steep descent and my left leg was significantly more tired as I was offloading the right as much as possible. Then, there in sight was a road, and bonus that there was a little gravel area with a stump. I doffed my pack, found I had service and spent 10 minutes debating texting Backbone and my other friend what I should do in my predicament while I rested against the stump. I knew if I was debating then I was avoiding the appropriate choice- to pull myself off the trail. So what did Leilah Grace do? She tossed on her pack, took 5 steps onto the trail, and then turned right back around, somewhat defeated, but confirmed in her choice to pull off the trail.

Pulling myself off the trail was one of the most difficult choices that I have had to made. It felt like quitting. I contacted my ride to come and get me, some day hikers stopped to check on me and gave her directions to where exactly to find me and then found a the trail maintainer while they were out hiking and told him about me. This man came and drove me down to a lower elevation and more visible spot to be picked up. These day hikers and trail maintainer were my angels that day, along with my ride who picked me up a day early. My biggest fear had been conquered, and as much as it felt like quitting I knew I had made a sound choice. I am very cautious about my right ankle from previous experience where I thought I sprained it and having it actually be fractured, so this memory was rampant with me on that Sunday. I just didn't want to have to be rescued because I made a poor choice on the trail.

By late Sunday night I was in my own home and my own bed. It was a surreal experience. I am proud of the 38 some odd miles that I completed, still a little bummed that I didn't complete my entire trek, but as my hiking buds remind me- the trail will be waiting. For now I'm embracing the ankle brace for another 2 weeks, and then I will be back to hiking.

There were a lot of lessons learned on this trip, and lots of fun to be had. I met some fun section hikers, odd day hikers, amazing day hikers and fell even more in love with hiking. There's just something amazing and freeing about carrying all you need on you, and the self reliance it creates. The trail continues to call me and Leilah Grace will return for more adventures, but for now she's resting her ankle and following doctor's orders.

Welcome Leilah Grace

I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of my crew, Leilah Grace. Now before you get all crazy excited thinking I've added another child, partner or animal to my household, it's none of the above. Leilah Grace is me. I know you're confused, wait, isn't your name Gina? Yup, still is in fact, but Leilah Grace is also me. In the hiking community, at least on the Appalachian Trail, hikers often have trail names, maybe you've heard of Odyssa or Anish, two crazy amazing record setting, inspirational female thru hikers or maybe not. Regardless, often out on the trail you are gifted or earn a trail name. Tradition says it's a gift from someone else, but so many of the memorable people on the trails, such as these amazing women or Wrongfoot give themselves the power and create their own name.

For me, Leilah Grace, was my own gift. Funny thing, is I figured that I would be a purist and wait until someone gifted me with my trail name, but Labor Day weekend when I went on that first solo trip sometime during that night of fitful cold sleeping the name came to me a in dream. It stayed with me the entire trip and has rattled around in my head ever since. I took the time to learn more about trail names, etiquette and such from a fabulous AT women's hiking group on Facebook, and finally decided that if the name was sent to me I needed to use it. Who am I to ignore a sign and gift from above? Thus, when I set out for the holiday weekend I claimed my name. Everyone I met on the trail was introduced to Leilah Grace, the crazy solo hiking mom from PA. It was such that when I was talking to a friend I almost introduced myself as her.

It's not that she's a different person than I am, she's just a piece of me, like being a mom is a piece of me. Not a defining label or separating factor. Leilah Grace is just who I am on the trail. She's still a mom to 4 amazing, crazy kids. She's still a PhD PT, Epic analyst builder, and gymnastics coach, but she's also this amazing woman who can hike 12-20 miles a day carrying a 30# pack, pitch her tent, cook her supper and crawl into bed alone. Leilah Grace is fearless, independent and goal-oriented. Doesn't she sound just like me? It's not an alter ego, I am not Diana Prince morphing into Wonder Woman, I am still Gina on the trail, just showcasing a different piece of her.

There's something indescribable about waking up to the sunrise, packing up and setting off into the forest trail or mountain ridge in the morning with the sounds of the birds and wind and trees. Leilah Grace gets to experience that in a way that Gina does not. Gina is typically accompanied by 4 said crazy wonderful children, Leilah Grace is unencumbered and uninhibited. It's a beautiful place to be as a person. You can follow along at her adventures on IG at #leilahgraceadventures

This is Me

I think that one of the most important lessons that you can learn is who you are, despite the fact that we are ever evolving. It struck me tonight more than usual as I was driving back from a surprise fun errand and This Is Me came on. I love the power behind this song. It speaks to me on so many levels, and tonight the song was just the reminder and reinforcement that I needed for what I had just done. I did a silly little thing leaving a surprise gift for a dear person in my life, nothing major, but something that is defining characteristic of who I am.

Me. Just me. How do I define me? I used to claim mom, wife, physical therapist, runner, but never "me." Ask me who I am now and I'm me. Not "just" me, but ME. The rest are just labels that others use to describe parts of me, but they are not the entire part of me. It's crucial to separate yourself from the labels and define yourself as an individual. This has been of the most important, but difficult lessons that I have had to learn over the past 2 years. With the decision to divorce I lost a label and my identity. I lost what felt like a large part of me because I identified my individual being with that label. I know now that I am not a label, I am me, uniquely, spectacular me.

I am an adventurer, runner, hiker, mother, friend, physical therapist, gymnastics coach, and so many other labels and adjectives. I am from nowhere and everywhere. I am the one who likes to surprise people with things because it's one of my ways of showing them that I care and that they are on my mind. I am the one who will pester you until you share what's going on because I know how challenging it is to go through difficult situations and feel like you have no one. I am the one who will send you a check-in text and really is interested in your daily routine, not just the highlights reel. I'll give you advice or I can be quiet and listen, in fact I'll ask you what you want when I find myself in that situation, just ask my friends.

I am me, and this is me. I'm not liked by everyone and it's finally taken me a long time to accept that I am not going to get everyone to like me. If you don't like me, well, you're the one missing out. Harsh? Maybe, but it's my truth and my life. I will not be defined by my own labels or your labels. Ever listened to homecoming queen? by Kelsea Ballerini and she sings:

What if I told you the world wouldn't end
Even the homecoming queen cries
Yeah, what if I told you the sky wouldn't fall
If you lost your composure, said to hell with it all?
If you started showing what's under your skin?
What if you let 'em all in on the lie?

I wasn't homecoming queen, but for all the world to see for a while I had that "perfect" life. It was an illusion and me hiding behind those labels and hiding from myself. I've changed and grown and embraced the woman that I am.

This is me. I am me. This is my life, my choice, embrace me and walk with me.

Closure

A little envelope came in the mail today. Nothing fancy, but I knew what was in it: the official divorce decree. How did I know? I had an email from my attorney earlier in the week with the PDF copy of it, so I knew my hard copy was to arrive soon. It's such a simple little thing, two sheets of paper in a legal envelope, marking the end of a chapter. So different than the multiple pages signed and agreed upon dividing up the things that made up our life. This is just an 8x10 sheet with a raised, notarized stamp saying we approve of your multi-page settlement, but it carries with it a finality that the larger document does not.

I knew the day was coming that it would arrive, and I didn't know how I would react. I know many have gone to celebrate; I know many have gone to go weep, and then others somewhere in the middle. It's been such an emotional process these past 3 years that to reach this milestone, chapter closure, I don't know exactly what I feel. Relief? Thankfulness that it's done? Grief? Likely it's a combination of all of these and more.

My marriage wasn't easy, and I'm aware that no marriage is easy, but marriages that end in divorce have their own struggles that a healthy marriage cannot understand. When you factor in children it adds to the complexity of the grieving and healing process. My therapist has told me that in her experiences those that divorce without children may often heal faster as it is a clean break. Those of us with children are going to interact with this person for the rest of our lives, and on a more frequent basis until they are 18. This alone create stress and anxiety, so while we are officially divorced I still have to interact with their dad frequently for the benefit of our children. I say it not to be a martyr, but to be clear that in this instance my wants and needs are superseded by those of my children. So the "freedom" that has been granted me officially has a different connotation than to a woman who does not have children.

I will say it has been heady going and officially changing my name at Social Security and the DMV. It's about creating my own identity. I am not the person that my parents named as an infant, nor the woman that assumed a name at 23, this time I am choosing me, my name. I returned to my maiden name, but kept my "new" middle name. In choosing this new name I chose my new identity, display my power and revel in the magic that I am creating. I have to think every time I sign my name to make sure I identify myself correctly and that is a powerful reminder of who I am choosing.

I chose me. I chose life. I chose happiness and love. I chose to show my children that it takes all different kinds of courage to make a life worth living. So while I sit here tonight processing the impact of an envelope I examine and reflect on the gift of closure. This isn't the "when a door closes open a window scenario," this is a chose your own adventure book. Skip ahead to page 44 to pick up your story. While I reach closure on this process I know I am in a period of transition, on my way to living what I'm terming "a life less ordinary." Surely some of you are thinking that I already live a less than ordinary life, and while I do, there is still more to see and do and experience.

Follow me along this next trail while I explore, develop and grow into my chosen self and my life less ordinary.

Dating

Dating. That's a scary, loaded word. Add in single mom dating and the terror is unreal. The questions just start coming hard and fast: how/where do you meet someone? do you go with a free app or paid app or both?

Then logistics: when? how do you find the time? and on and on it goes.... Let me tell you there are hundreds, likely thousands of blog posts and articles about this topic geared toward single moms. Many address the pesky aspect of dealing with your children and dating, because let's be honest, all single parents are worried on some level about this. These articles run the gamut from I won't introduce my kids to anyone until he's about to put a ring on my finger to my kids know every man I've ever dated from date 1 (or maybe 2). So what's a mom to do?

Personally? Throw out all the advice and posts and just go with your gut and a little guidance from your friends when entering the the crazy world of dating. Keep yourself safe and have fun along the way. Know your expectations, are you looking for something casual? are looking for something long term? or something else. While you're looking at your expectations of the type of relationship, you need to to address what you are searching for in that partner.

Single, divorced parents are some of the strongest people I know. We have had our worlds completely turned upside down and have come out changed. I was telling a friend that it's similar to giving birth, periods of intense pain, periods of respite, a long hard challenge at the end with your person and soul forever changed once that baby is born. Yup, divorce is a lot like labor and birth. You would be silly to go looking for a relationship with same expectations of a partner as you had previously. You are not the same person you were, there's no use denying it.

Me? I am now a strong, independent, financially independent woman and single mom of 4. It's not that I wasn't those things before, they just have a very different meaning. I don't need someone to come support me financially. I want someone who can show up when I need help emotionally, or with a physical project. I don't care what you do for work as long as you're happy and take pride in what you do. I want someone who will let me vent, offer solutions when asked and make me margaritas or bring me beer. I want someone who makes me laugh, really laugh; who tells me silly jokes and sends me texts to make me laugh and smile. I want someone who's not afraid of crazy adventures and wants to come on them with me. Someone who's also willing to hang out at home and watch a movie. A man willing to cook with me or for me and isn't afraid of the dishes either. A man who sees me for me, not the mom, not the runner, not the physical therapist, but just me.

Truth? I didn't know all of that when I first started dating. It was about going out, having fun and figuring out what exactly I wanted. But it was also about protecting my time and energy, I wasn't going to waste my time on a series of dates with someone with whom I didn't have a connection. I did know that there was no way I was going to introduce my children to someone who wasn't special to me.

As it's turned out dating has been quite a learning experience. I learned that some men think that I am difficult, rude and a host of nasty names because I refuse to drop everything to meet them somewhere. My kids come first in my life and I am certainly not going to drop everything to meet some strange guy when I have my kids, if you're not willing to wait until I have kid-free time then you are certainly not worth my time. On that note I also learned that name calling is sadly rather common when you're not in agreement with their hobbies or activities, especially those that might be illegal.

I learned that despite being clear on expectations, there are plenty of men who still will push for a hook-up. I'm sorry, but that's just not me. If that's your thing great, but please look elsewhere.

I learned that some people think that no topic is off limits when getting to know the other person, even before meeting in person. We'll just leave it at one sent me an exhaustive list of his "toy" collection and wanted to know mine......

Did you know that when dating a single mom that it's ok to ask about her kids? But, planning what you're going to be doing with them in 3 months is not appropriate, especially on a first date. Seriously. This gentleman I met within an hour of our date was planning how he was going to take them skiing and snowboarding. It was a little creepy to be honest. He meant well from what I could tell, and was trying to show that he was ok with me having kids, but way too fast dude!

After a lesson learned about not having a set end time for a midday date, I learned to always have a truly set end/exit plan. On one horrifying lunch date at a local brewery I knew within moments that it was not going to go well, but I also knew I only had 2 hours to survive it. The hostess sat us, handed us menus and then the beer menu. He immediately hands it back to her with "oh we won't be drinking." I'm sorry but what? First off, I should be able to make my own choice about an alcoholic beverage, and second this dude picked the brewery for our restaurant! Why, oh why, would you pick a brewery and then not allow someone to drink? He did tell me after she left, for I'm sure I made some type of face, that he was very concerned about drinking and driving. I can totally respect that, but I still stand by the fact that I should have been able to make my own choice. Clearly things did not start off well and 2 hours later where I had listened to him drone on about his job and hobbies I was incredibly thankful that I had my preset exit time.

It's no wonder that I had a string of single dates, no one worth my time for a second date. But, it was along these that I learned exactly what qualities I was seeking. Honesty- from the man who lied both about his age and where he lived. Laughter- from the one who bored me to tears and another who told me funny jokes. Availability- from the one who stood me up (yup it happens). Must love cats- from the one who can't stand them. On and on the list grew, as well as my own awareness and my certainty that it would take someone extremely special to be able to meet my children in any way.

From there it was about finding the magic, being true to my own expectations and boundaries and letting go of the outcome. For it's when we release our fears of the outcomes that the magic occurs. Knowing that within the magic comes connection, dreams and hope. 

The AT ate my visor

Yup! The AT (Appalachian Trail) ate my visor. To be fair, it was my fault, but now it's gone, likely living somewhere near the William Penn Shelter. I hope it's happy there. I'd be happier if it was with me, but I'll just have to find a new one. So after my backpacking trip this weekend I have a few lessons learned I'd like to share with you:

1. Always check all of your compartments to make sure they're zipped up and that anything clipped to your bag is still there after taking a rest break. Yup, that's how my visor disappeared. Sadly I didn't realize until 10+ miles later, there was NO way I was going back for it.
2. Don't text and pack or you might forget something important, like say your sleeping bag. In my defense I packed the liner, so at least I had some type of cover. That being said I ended up sleeping in my wool base layer, extra shirt, jacket, hat, two pairs of socks and had the liner pulled up over my head to stay warm. 60s at night sounds great until you don't have sufficient coverage to stay warm consistently.
3. Those pretty streams aren't just for crossing and looking at- they're also your water source. Fairly obvious right? One would think so, but in my haze of enjoying the scenery it didn't dawn on me that those pretty streams and rivers were the water source listed on the map. Thankfully I didn't run out of water, but I was conserving more than usual until I knew I was going to make it to the next water source 3+ miles down the trail.
4. Drink more water! Again, obvious, but most hikers (and runners!) don't drink enough. Guilty party here. I am terrified of running out of water (see #3) so I conserve way more than I should, and then I get moving uphill and can't figure out why this is so challenging..... dehydration signs at their finest.
5. Climbing that rise is difficult, but going down is going to be even more challenging, especially if they don't believe in switchbacks. I was detesting climbing up (see #4) and then all of a sudden my quads were dying going downhill. I used a few running techniques to include leaning forward to offload my quads, relying more on my poles and attempting to let momentum carry me safely, but thanks to Rocksylvania that's not easily possible.
6. Move off to the side of the trail when letting someone pass, and FYI uphill hikers have the right of way. I always make a point to step off the trail when able to let someone pass, but there was nothing more frustrating than finally finding my stride (see #5) headed up an incline only to have to move over onto a rockier part to let an oblivious hiker share the trail with me.
7. Say Hi and chat with fellow hikers if they stop you. I know you have miles to conquer but maybe they have some useful information. Two different groups stopped me when they learned my destination to warn me about the flooded trail and to take the dry trail detour unless I wanted to be soaked.
8. Test out your gear and know the ins and outs of it. Maybe I'm continuing to point out the obvious, but I thought I knew my pack in and out before this trip. And then the rain hit and I realized I had a rain cover for it, but no idea how to attach it. I didn't even bother attempting it in the rain, figuring my stuff had a better chance staying dry if I just kept moving. 
9. Wet rocks are slippier than they appear. Day 2 topping off my water before leaving camp I push off to climb back out of the stream and in goes my right foot. I hadn't even started my hike for the day and that foot was soaked. I swore I had good purchase on that rock, but apparently not.
10. Laugh at yourself, a lot. I spend a lot of my hikes smiling and laughing quietly (and not so quietly) at myself. Every time I stub my toe (a lot less this trip!) and about go sprawling I smile and often chuckle, what else can I do? I could be mad, but the truth is the rock was always there, I just misjudged my feet. It makes for a much more pleasant hike when you can find humor in your actions (see #9). 

So these are my silly little lessons learned on my hike this weekend. I hope you find them useful.

Solo

Armed with the confidence from a single backpacking trip I decided to close out my summer as I had started it, a trip along the AT, just this time I would be solo. I studied maps, joined two all women facebook groups dedicated solely to hiking, and made my plans. I guessed on mileage, and planned for a 2 night trip. I bought supplies and arranged a shuttle to pick me up from my car, drive me out 30 miles and drop me off.

The nerves hit the night before as I packed, double and triple checking my gear and food. If I forgot something I was on my own, there was no magic but my own to fix the situation. I tried to remember everything my dear friend had taught me. I hoped and prayed that it would be enough. Nerves carried me to the trailhead after my drop. A few deep breaths and my poles, pack and I were off. Within 10 feet the nerves were gone, my body seemed to remember how to use the poles and stride with a weighted pack. There was no fear about being alone on the trail, for I was alone. It took three hours to spot another human.

I walked in silence and peaceful bliss along a tree covered ridge-line with a smile on my face. There were not many views, but there was peace and beauty. I had packed headphones in case the silence became deafening, but it never did. I enjoyed listening to the birds, insects and my own thoughts spun uninterrupted. Personally, I had been craving this trip, a chance to get away with my own thoughts and heal without distractions. On the trail my mind was clear, there were no distractions, but the initial driving impetus of this trip had fallen away. This trip became about me being comfortable in the silence of my mind. For someone with anxiety, this can be a challenge, there's always a lurking fear that the anxiety will take hold and spiral you. I could not afford to have an anxiety spiral on the trail. Thankfully, my anxiety never surfaced, not even when I was a few miles from camp and running low on water and energy. It wasn't one of those times where I had just mastered the anxiety or was ignoring it; it 100% was not present. The mountains were speaking to my soul, and in that moment I knew that I was going to be fine.

This trip was not about the recreating the magic found on my first trip, but creating a new type of magic. There is no recreating that kind of magic that I had Memorial Day weekend. I carry it with me still.  This solo trip required a new brand of courage and for me to delve into my own magic. I'm not saying there weren't moments that I didn't wish for my friend, but I was content to be solo. Alone on the trail you learn more about yourself than imaginable. If you read accounts of thru-hikers or talk to any you will learn that they all say the same thing after finishing: life will never be the same. While my short hike (28.5 miles or 1.3% of the AT) cannot compare to a thru-hike, I know that I am forever changed.

I know that I am a stronger hiker than I thought when developing my plans. My Memorial Day hike we covered about 26 miles over the 2 days, so I planned a 28 mile hike figuring that I would be moving slower without assistance. Day 1 I covered 16.8 miles and realized that I would reach my car the next day around 2 at that pace. I made plans to hike past the car to get my 2 nights in the woods. Apparently, the universe had other plans for me, as on Day 2 the rain came crashing down about a mile and a half from my car and the forecast called for more rain and thunderstorms. While I had the opportunity to continue hiking, I decided that I had achieved my goal and consider it a successful hike even if it was just 1 night out.

I found peace and happiness along the trail, despite the challenges and pain. I found more of me. I listened to the voices in my head about true abilities, my courage, my love and the possibilities of the future. Though I left the trail soaked and looking like a drowned rat, I left with hope and love in my heart, complete in a newfound magic built on the base created in May.

Day 1 (16.8 miles)

Day 2 from start to a wet soggy finish at my car (11.7 miles)

Me, just me

I'm sitting here in Madison halfway through my trip and already learned a big takeaway from this trip. As you know by now every single trip I take to Madison I have self-discovery, and this trip is no different. Tonight, was the big party night at Epic and I was all alone as I had been for most of the trip. Now the thing is that I am not the only one here from my company, there is a group of at least 10 other people here. Mind you, I am the only one here at my level, everyone else is in a formal leadership role and well above me. They're lovely people, but not people I interact with on a daily basis. They are the ones who judge and interpret my work (as well as my peers).

So, here I am all alone in a HUGE sea of people eating and crafting and hanging out. Guess what? It didn't bug me one bit that I was alone. I was quite content to eat my dinner, find a craft to do and then head out. There was no scanning the crowd to see if I might see them. There was no disappointment or anger at being excluded. There was no wishing that I was part of a big crazy group. I'm not saying I wouldn't have enjoyed it, what I'm saying is that it didn't bother me. I wasn't jealous or sad or frustrated. I was content. This is in direct contrast to last year where I was annoyed at being excluded and lonely. It's not to say last year I didn't enjoy myself, but there were underlying emotions impacting my night. Tonight there were none. It was truly an "I don't care" moment. I don't care that I'm one of the few singletons here in a sea of groups. It wasn't a let's show up and prove to myself (and everyone else) that I'm fine alone; it was just me being me. For that I am thankful and grateful.

Growth, it's all about growth.

Change

Life has a way of changing rapidly and unexpectedly at times. The truth is those plots twists, curve balls and change-ups can't always be an instantaneous "move on." There's emotions to process, habits to change and many other adjustments that need to be made. A month ago there was a curveball thrown my way completely unexpected, and it has been quite a challenge. It was of course complicated by my family's vacation a few days afterwards, so I had minimal time to process.

All that being noted, this twist is going to be good for me. I've spent the last few months wrapped up in other things and not working on me as much as I likely needed. I have taken this time to work on changing up my future and myself in the process. I am taking the time to get back to looking at those big dreams and making them into goals. I'm processing different parts of me that I have neglected because of other anxieties. It's become a season of personal growth.

I'm certainly not moving on smoothly though. There are moments I struggle, forgetting the change, and there are moments that I am hit so hard I have stomach pains and difficulty breathing. Then there are moments where I realize everything is good and I feel great. It's been quite a roller coaster ride. Truth is I started this post weeks ago but haven't had the clarity to complete it. A trip to Madison and my head is clear enough at the moment to find my ground.

There's not much to say except that even a "plot twist" deserves your time to process your emotions. If you're moving on quickly without processing then you're either deluding yourself or the "wrong" that happened wasn't truly that important to you. So I challenge you to look at your reactions to changes and honor your emotional response. As my therapist likes to tell me at times, it's ok to be sad and grieve, it's not ok to set-up camp there.

Parenting and Goals

A while ago I was talking about my parenting philosophy with someone that doesn't have children. My parenting philosophy summed up:

Kids need to have fun and freedom, but they need to have chores and responsibilities so that they don't grow up to be entitled adults.

It's how I raise my kids. They have activities they attend, but significantly less than many other kids their age so that they have time to be free to play outside, be bored and just be kids. We have so much scheduled, restricted time as adults that I really believe that children need freedom in their time. I'm not saying my kids run wild, but you're likely to find them outside running through the backyard or the neighborhood park or reading a book. This is balanced with their chores; sweeping, dishes, caring for the cats, etc. For the most part it works fine for my crew and I. Sure, they can be crazy and entitled, but they're kids! I want them to value hard work, effort, patience, family and love. I want them to learn how to balance fun and responsibility.

The other important lesson I want my children to learn is to chase down their dream and goals and make them happen. We all know that goals are only achieved by hard work, dedication and grit. This life lesson is something that they have to learn independently, but that I can model for them. They are too young to remember the struggles of me earning my PhD. My oldest may remember some of it, but for most of their life they know me as a working mom, and now a single working mom, juggling everything the best I can. But in my juggling they're learning how much I love them and how hard I work for them, not how to chase goals and dreams. Because let's be honest, my goals and dreams have nothing to do with juggling 3 jobs.

They've watched me train for half marathons and full marathons, which certainly gets to the point of dedication, hard work and grit. Though, if I'm honest some of that has slipped from my life in the past few years. In the past 7 months though I was reminded that I used to have big goals and dreams and that it was time to start chasing them again (read here). There is a lot of controversy about this funny enough. I'm not talking about within my own family, but in general. I have heard from a number of other moms that it's selfish to take large chunks of time away from your kids to pursue your dreams and goals; that you need to wait until they have graduated high school or college; that our lives are to revolve around our children from the moment they were born, otherwise why did you chose to be a mom?

At this point in my life after everything I have learned since having my kids and getting a divorce is that my life should not revolve around them 100%. They need to be an integral part of it, but I need to live my life, for what am I supposed to do when they graduate and move on with their lives? I don't want my life to suddenly fall apart because I am not a full-time mom. I will always be their mother in some capacity, but I am still me at my core, and motherhood is just a piece of my identity. Maybe I have this perspective now because I am divorced and have kid-free time to explore myself and my interests, but I think it's healthy to have time away. I won't say there isn't guilt about it, but I will not let guilt hold me back from my dreams.

Why should I wait 10 years until my youngest has graduated high school? There will never be a perfect moment to pursue my dreams to make them goals and my reality. If I can find a way to achieve them that still allows my children to feel loved, secure and fit with my parent philosophy then I don't need your approval, but I would like your support. I just find it interesting that a community of moms who are all reaching for similar goals would be so harsh to a fellow mom (it wasn't me) telling her to put her dreams on hold for another 11 years, or to take her kids along. The point of some of these dreams, goals and ambitions is to learn about yourself, and let's me honest- it's difficult to learn about yourself when you're still in the full-time parent role. So let's stop judging other parents for their choices and support them when they are already making difficult choices.

Fears

Let's be real- we ALL have fears about something. Even that super secure person who you know has a fear somewhere, it's part of the human existence. It's what we do about our fears that's important. And me? I have a number of them, but for the most part I've learned how to recognize them and work through them. There has been one that has plagued me though: loneliness.

Even before going through this crazy divorce process I have had issues with being lonely. I know no one likes to be lonely, but I was especially sensitive to it, likely from my anxiety. As I started the separation and divorce process I suddenly found myself with lots of alone time. At that point in my life alone time equated loneliness. I couldn't see how to be alone and content, unless I was engrossed in a book; being alone meant being lonely. Thankfully, with the help of my therapist and the work I put in I learned how to separate the two and learned to be alone and content. There are still moments where I struggle, but the majority of the time I do just fine. Now, there are times I crave the solitude and peace that comes with being alone, that chance to be alone with my thoughts, feelings and just be.

There has continued to be an underlying issue of not wanting to be alone, which I assumed stemmed from the separation/divorce. It wasn't until very recently I uncovered that it's not a fear of being alone or being lonely, but of being forgotten. It's a fear of not being seen, acknowledged, included. I think we all struggle with this on some level, and primary caregivers especially. When you factor in that I'm now a single mom to 4, work a behind the scenes desk job, and was raised with mobile roots there are moments when I feel prone to invisibility. I know now when I feel invisible I am more likely to trigger feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

All of that begs, what am I going to do about it? Well, to be brutally honest I don't know yet. Knowing the root cause helps me logically, but I still have work to do. For now when the feelings hit I remember all the times that someone has remembered me, made me feel special and included me. It's certainly something I'll be addressing in my therapy sessions and working on at home. I will not let this fear rule me or interrupt my life any further. I don't have to be Nelson Mandela, Gabby Douglas, or Rosa Parks to be remembered. I just need to be a genuine me.

Beaches and Mountains

It's always a debate:

Beaches or Mountains?

Me? I considered myself both. I love the water and the beach, but there's something amazing about being up in the mountains and the solitude. So, like other deceptively simple questions it defied me. That is until this past summer where I had time to spend at the beach after just having had that little bit of time up in the mountains backpacking.

I had the opportunity to be a beach bum this summer. Lounging, reading, napping and enjoying the sun, sand and surf; it sounded like heaven. It was wonderful, restful and a chance for me to just be. I enjoyed my time on the beach, listening to the waves and soaking up the sun. I enjoyed swimming in the ocean and being carried by the salt and the waves. I stood knee deep and focused on the horizon line in a contemplative state, trying to recreate the meditative state I was able to achieve last year at the beach. Surprisingly, it never arrived.

I was confused. I tended to consider myself more of a "beach" person than a mountains person, but I wasn't finding that inner peace that I had previously. Sure, I was able to meditate, cleanse and reset, but it wasn't grounding. I found myself looking back to that weekend backpacking and my weekend trip to western Massachusetts, and in those thoughts I felt centered, grounded.

Now I was really confused. How could I feel more centered and grounded with my thoughts than actually being in the place that I thought was a grounding point? It was pure craziness. I spent my time reflecting on those differences, trying to reason and logic may way around things. Anyone who knows about these things know that logic and reason doesn't always prevail- it's what speaks to you and touches you that is important. But, me being me needed to analyze it all, understand it all. As I was seeking to understand it I grew to understand a few things.

1. I am connected to the water. I always will be. There's something about the rhythmic sounds of the waves or the melody of the river that will call to me. The sunshine reflecting off the water that creates a unique beauty all to its own.
2. There can be peace at the beach. I can rest, recover and heal at the beach.
3. There's something unique about the mountains that isn't found at the beach.
4. The mountains speak to me and my soul and it is here that I am grounded and at peace.

All of this was reconfirmed upon my recent vacation. We did not go to the beach, but the mountains, both the Great Smokies and the Blue Ridge mountains. While we were blessed to spend a day rafting down the New River in West Virginia and playing at Summersvillle Lake, my soul wasn't peaceful until we were up in Shenandoah sleeping at the top of Loft Mountain and hiking along it. Despite the chaos of hiking with 4 noisy children I found points where I was centered, at peace and grounded. Mountains are my grounding point and soul place, while the beach is blissful, it does not and cannot rejuvenate me like the mountains. It's now knowing that I can seek true healing in the mountains to find myself again. 

mountain views while backpacking on the AT

Beach Bum in the Dominican Republic

Beach views

Summersville Lake in WV

New River in WV