Closure

A little envelope came in the mail today. Nothing fancy, but I knew what was in it: the official divorce decree. How did I know? I had an email from my attorney earlier in the week with the PDF copy of it, so I knew my hard copy was to arrive soon. It's such a simple little thing, two sheets of paper in a legal envelope, marking the end of a chapter. So different than the multiple pages signed and agreed upon dividing up the things that made up our life. This is just an 8x10 sheet with a raised, notarized stamp saying we approve of your multi-page settlement, but it carries with it a finality that the larger document does not.

I knew the day was coming that it would arrive, and I didn't know how I would react. I know many have gone to celebrate; I know many have gone to go weep, and then others somewhere in the middle. It's been such an emotional process these past 3 years that to reach this milestone, chapter closure, I don't know exactly what I feel. Relief? Thankfulness that it's done? Grief? Likely it's a combination of all of these and more.

My marriage wasn't easy, and I'm aware that no marriage is easy, but marriages that end in divorce have their own struggles that a healthy marriage cannot understand. When you factor in children it adds to the complexity of the grieving and healing process. My therapist has told me that in her experiences those that divorce without children may often heal faster as it is a clean break. Those of us with children are going to interact with this person for the rest of our lives, and on a more frequent basis until they are 18. This alone create stress and anxiety, so while we are officially divorced I still have to interact with their dad frequently for the benefit of our children. I say it not to be a martyr, but to be clear that in this instance my wants and needs are superseded by those of my children. So the "freedom" that has been granted me officially has a different connotation than to a woman who does not have children.

I will say it has been heady going and officially changing my name at Social Security and the DMV. It's about creating my own identity. I am not the person that my parents named as an infant, nor the woman that assumed a name at 23, this time I am choosing me, my name. I returned to my maiden name, but kept my "new" middle name. In choosing this new name I chose my new identity, display my power and revel in the magic that I am creating. I have to think every time I sign my name to make sure I identify myself correctly and that is a powerful reminder of who I am choosing.

I chose me. I chose life. I chose happiness and love. I chose to show my children that it takes all different kinds of courage to make a life worth living. So while I sit here tonight processing the impact of an envelope I examine and reflect on the gift of closure. This isn't the "when a door closes open a window scenario," this is a chose your own adventure book. Skip ahead to page 44 to pick up your story. While I reach closure on this process I know I am in a period of transition, on my way to living what I'm terming "a life less ordinary." Surely some of you are thinking that I already live a less than ordinary life, and while I do, there is still more to see and do and experience.

Follow me along this next trail while I explore, develop and grow into my chosen self and my life less ordinary.