Spirals of Anxiety

A few years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and I have been seeing a wonderful psychologist who gives me coping skills, an ear when I need it, and so much more. She's been a godsend. I'm at the point now that I can recognize when I'm in the midst of a spiral, and sometimes I have the ability to pull myself out.... today was not that day. Today, I was able to identify the root of my trigger which was lack of sleep and finding lice (again) in my girls' hair. That combo, along with attitude from the kids started me off on a path this morning that I knew was likely to lead to an anxiety spiral. I tried, I really did. I did my deep breathing, I took a time out (or 3). I gave my kids lots of space, but it hit me full force when I asked for someone to pack my bag so we could all go to the pool. When I got attitude again I couldn't contain the anxiety and off I went into this spiral. While, I know it may sound like anger, sometimes anger comes from anxiety (and we all know often fear).  And truth be told I'm still spiraling.

It's a scary place to be, especially when you're alone or alone with your kids. When you're a single, divorced mom with a limited social support network you don't have a lot of options. And I know at least one of you is thinking- call someone..... yeah I know, but when you're in the throws of an anxiety spiral you circle around that thought. These are some of the things that happen in my head: "call/text [her]" followed by "no! you've dumped/vented on her enough", then I might think of someone else which is typically followed with "they've got their own issues at the moment." And as all this circles and spirals in my head there's a part of me that 100% knows I am being irrational and the majority of my friends wouldn't give a damn if I called them in the midst of this. There are days I can gain enough traction to make that call/text, but today was not one of them. So I just continued to spiral, and it didn't matter that I was now at the public pool with my crew. I sent them off swimming and diving and opted to attempt to distract myself with the 'book.

(Now I should note, this is not a good option for me. It typically makes things worse. I see the happy families/couples and it ramps me up more. It sends a very real reminder that my family is very different these days and I am no longer part of a couple/team. This is not to knock my ex- he is very involved with the kids and loves them to pieces. But seeing what seems like everyone happy and together just makes things worse for me.)

But, while I was surfing and making myself worse I stumbled on this post shared by a friend and I started silently crying poolside. Because you see the writer could have been writing about so many of my own experiences. And in the midst of my anxiety spiral I was reminded (again) how lonely I was and how much loneliness I experience daily. It's in so many aspects, like being at the pool while surrounded by a family with 2 parents present, to being the only parent present at a school event (again not bashing- see statement above) or explaining to someone that you knew previously that you are no longer married. I feel like I have at least one daily reminder that I am alone. And when you combine it with spiraling anxiety that makes you think crazy thoughts about the choices you have made along your journey, you end up a hot mess. And here it is hours later and I'm still wrecked by both this blog about loneliness and my own anxiety spiral.

See, at this point in my spiral there's almost nothing I can do alone to stop it. I need that outside source, preferably someone physically present to be here to let me know I am ok and that I am not alone. But I AM alone; my kids are here but it is NOT their job to get me through this, nor is it appropriate for them to do so (they do know I am sad). So it's just another reminder that divorce is a lonely road and you can't fully understand it until you've been here. Anxiety robbed me of a beautiful day with my kids, and loneliness and anxiety are trying to rule my evening. It's likely at this point that I will burn out this spiral with a few more tears and wake up tomorrow with an emotional hangover. I had been hoping to comment more specifically on the blog post that I read about the mom loneliness but I can't gather my thoughts enough to be coherent, so I'll leave it for another day.