Let's just be clear for a moment. Holidays are a challenging time for everyone, but it's 10x, or maybe 1000x more difficult when you've switched from a big happy family to a split family. You can tell yourself all sorts of things, but every holiday presents challenges. Every previous memory is of a complete family and suddenly you find yourself alone with your kids, or just alone. Even if you're surrounded by family and friends, you're still alone or different than you were.
It doesn't matter if you're with family or friends during this time. There's still this feeling of "otherness" or being an "outsider" even within your own family/friends. You went from a duo to a single with or without kids. And even if it's not the first year, it still hurts. Social media shows us your happy families, and even if you're only showing the happy side of it, it can still sting. Add onto that the joy of the "memories" feature- yeah, it can make an already stressful time something crazy. Because lets face it, some of those memories are fairly bittersweet.
My advice to you on the outside? Have more patience with us that you usually would. There are many of us struggling more than you could imagine. We put on brave faces and fake it so well you can't tell that every moment is destroying us. Watching you interact with your spouse happily and seeing the intimacy serves as a constant reminder of what we had and currently don't have. So don't mind if we don't want to be the 3rd or 5th wheel on your family adventures. It's not a personal attack against you, but a way to protect ourselves. There is only so much one can take before you hit a breaking point. I'd say that after talking to many a single parent household none of us want to be remembered as the guest that lost control because we were surrounded by happily married families. So what does that mean? We hold our stuff together in front of you and have inner breakdowns or stuff those feelings into a box to be opened at a later date. It also means that we may not accept what feels like a pity invite to things. We don't want to be pitied, we want to be openly and honestly included, not an afterthought. If you really wanted me there, you would have reached out; asking me me last minute feels like a slap in the face.
Holidays are tough. They're just more difficult if you're still adjusting to your new normal. Please be patient and don't take it personally. We know you mean well, but sometimes our emotions are all over the place. Peace and love to you and your families. And know that we wish you the best, even if it costs us what feels like everything to be there with you. I love you all.
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Saturday, November 17, 2018
A Running Journey
As you may know I am a runner. I found running after my youngest, B, was born and I was out of shape, broke and looking to find a cheap and easy way to get myself back into shape. I had a closet full of clothes that didn't fit and no money to buy new ones. Heck, most of those days I was juggling trying to feed our family of 6 on our WIC checks alone plus less than $50 per month out of pocket. So, a fancy gym membership was out of the question. We did attend the Y, but trying to coordinate taking a class and childcare schedules was a challenge, but I could always find a free treadmill or run outside on the loop.
As I ran I grew more confident and faster, as well as leaner. It was a painfully slow journey, but I won't forget when I ran a 5k without stopping, or when I decided to see if I could 4 miles, and then 5, or that time I tried 8 for the "fun of it". It was about pushing and challenging myself, since no one thought I could be a runner. I was never a runner before that. I had a tried a few times, but just couldn't make it stick. In fact, it astounded a number of my friends and family at the time that I would be running. At almost a year of running I was convinced to register for my first race, the Philly Rock-n-Roll half marathon. I did it because someone told me I couldn't. And as many of you know, that's one of the best ways to get me to do something. I will do it just to prove it to you that I can.
Running quickly became a huge part of my life, especially as I tackled training for that first half. And after that first half I was hooked on racing. The truth is that I was running for multiple reasons. What had first set out to be a goal of health and strength, was turning into a near obsession to get to that perfect weight and body. I trained for that half marathon eating 1500 calories a day or less. I got my weight down, but I did put it back on and I never hit that "goal" weight either.
As I ran and pushed myself more running became an escape. I could go on a long run on a weekend afternoon since I had a race coming up and get away from the chaos of my household. It was my excuse, my escape under the guise of training and my health. I switched from the half to the full marathon, adding another layer of complexity to my runs. I was showing the world that I could get up at 5am on a Saturday, run 15-20 miles and still be an awesome and involved mom and wife. I was battling friends, family and the outsiders who think you're insane for wanting to pay to run 26.2 miles. I was also running to chase times and show the world that I could do challenging things well while juggling a career, kids and a husband. As much as I was running for "me" I was running to prove that I could do it, which isn't the same thing. At the time I thought that it was, but it wasn't until my last 2 races over the past 3 weeks that I saw the difference.
As I ran I grew more confident and faster, as well as leaner. It was a painfully slow journey, but I won't forget when I ran a 5k without stopping, or when I decided to see if I could 4 miles, and then 5, or that time I tried 8 for the "fun of it". It was about pushing and challenging myself, since no one thought I could be a runner. I was never a runner before that. I had a tried a few times, but just couldn't make it stick. In fact, it astounded a number of my friends and family at the time that I would be running. At almost a year of running I was convinced to register for my first race, the Philly Rock-n-Roll half marathon. I did it because someone told me I couldn't. And as many of you know, that's one of the best ways to get me to do something. I will do it just to prove it to you that I can.
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| Me after the RNR Half Marathon 2013, my first race ever |
As I ran and pushed myself more running became an escape. I could go on a long run on a weekend afternoon since I had a race coming up and get away from the chaos of my household. It was my excuse, my escape under the guise of training and my health. I switched from the half to the full marathon, adding another layer of complexity to my runs. I was showing the world that I could get up at 5am on a Saturday, run 15-20 miles and still be an awesome and involved mom and wife. I was battling friends, family and the outsiders who think you're insane for wanting to pay to run 26.2 miles. I was also running to chase times and show the world that I could do challenging things well while juggling a career, kids and a husband. As much as I was running for "me" I was running to prove that I could do it, which isn't the same thing. At the time I thought that it was, but it wasn't until my last 2 races over the past 3 weeks that I saw the difference.
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| Near the finish of the Philly marathon 2014 |
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| After the Marine Corps Marathon 2016 |
Two weeks ago I returned to racing after an 18 month hiatus. I had wanted to race over that time frame, but due to multiple complications I had to refrain. The 10k that I ran was the shortest race I have ever run. It physically hurt with shin splints, but I did it. When I finished I was filled with a joy that I hadn't ever experienced. It wasn't just the runner's high, it was something different. It took me a while to realize I had a done a race that was mostly for me. I wasn't out to prove something to anyone; I was out running to be with a friend and just have fun.
Today, I had my next big challenge, my first half marathon in over 18 months. I was bogged down with shin splints for 4 miles, a good race for the next 5 miles, and then I was hit with stomach issues and waves of uncontrollable emotions. I was running and walking with tears pouring down my face. I was trying to shut it down to finish, and I did at times, but they kept rearing their head.
It hit me that this race was for me, and me alone. Sure, I had dragged my running buddy along and convinced him to run, but this finish belonged to me and me alone. I wasn't running to prove a point; I wasn't running to honor someone; I wasn't running as an escape; I wasn't using running as an excuse; I was running because I could.
This race required the most mental energy I have ever used. My running buddy was there all of the way encouraging me, giving me much needed physical and emotional support, but it was up to me to decide. Was I going to give in and cry in to a ball on the side of the road like I wanted, or would I shove it down and push through, even if it was a few more steps before I lost it again? The last 1.1 miles were challenging. I knew I was so close, but trying to hold it together was getting the best of me. I just kept reminding myself that I could break down at the finish. Funny enough, I didn't. I don't know if I was too tired or what exactly happened but I was done with the roller coaster emotional ride. Maybe I left it all on the course, because I know when I was digging deep that last mile I kept feeling like I was coming up empty.
Here I am after the race with my running buddy who helped me every step of the way, and the gal that convinced us both to sign up for this race. We are an odd mix of runners and ages and stages of life, but it just works. That's the joy of the running community that I am so proud to have joined.
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| My running buddy and I after our 10k |
It hit me that this race was for me, and me alone. Sure, I had dragged my running buddy along and convinced him to run, but this finish belonged to me and me alone. I wasn't running to prove a point; I wasn't running to honor someone; I wasn't running as an escape; I wasn't using running as an excuse; I was running because I could.
This race required the most mental energy I have ever used. My running buddy was there all of the way encouraging me, giving me much needed physical and emotional support, but it was up to me to decide. Was I going to give in and cry in to a ball on the side of the road like I wanted, or would I shove it down and push through, even if it was a few more steps before I lost it again? The last 1.1 miles were challenging. I knew I was so close, but trying to hold it together was getting the best of me. I just kept reminding myself that I could break down at the finish. Funny enough, I didn't. I don't know if I was too tired or what exactly happened but I was done with the roller coaster emotional ride. Maybe I left it all on the course, because I know when I was digging deep that last mile I kept feeling like I was coming up empty.
Here I am after the race with my running buddy who helped me every step of the way, and the gal that convinced us both to sign up for this race. We are an odd mix of runners and ages and stages of life, but it just works. That's the joy of the running community that I am so proud to have joined.
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| Philly Half Marathon 2018 |
I could write a race recap like I have done before, but this lesson was worth more than a recap.
It was the learning and understanding of running and doing for me alone.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
It's About the Kids
Before I start this post I want to make it clear that this is NOT about my ex, so please don't think that this was inspired by any of his actions.
As I share my journey of my divorce and learning to single parent and co/split parent I find myself connecting with more and more parents who are learning how to parent in multiple households. I will say that for the most part many of us are doing the best we can and managing to put aside our differences and do what's best for the kids. It's called being an adult. I can't tell you the number of times I have sat through sporting events and banquets for my kids in the past year with my ex. Was it the most enjoyable of times? No. Did I do it for my kids? Yes. Did I sometimes go home and cry and be miserable? Yes. Did I let my kids know how much it upset me? No. I was an adult about it. In fact my ex and I managed this past year to astound a few people in our gymnastics community that we were divorcing since we attended so many meets together and sat together.
But, it astounds me the number of parents who cannot be adults in these situations. I hear stories of mothers and fathers acting out like a 3 year old having a tantrum. They refuse simple things like a shift in a schedule to accommodate a reasonable request. In the stories that I hear from other parents many of these shifts would allow the other parent more time with your children. I can't fathom not wanting more time with my kids. I have a large portion of time with my kids and it never feels like enough, so if I run into a situation where I get offered more time I typically jump on it. It's a very rare occasion that I would be refusing this bonus time. And really? What are your children going to think when/if they find out? You're choosing something else over them, and that's going to hurt. The reality is that you're not punishing your ex by refusing to be helpful; you're hurting your children.
Their world has already changed enough with the splitting of their household, so the least that you can do is try to make sure that your children know how much you love and value them. They learn and understand through your actions and inactions. Step up and act like an adult and a parent. A parent's role is to be present for their children, and not just when it's convenient for you.
I am certainly not advocating for you to not pursue your own happiness, dreams and desires. And I am not saying that you don't deserve to be happy. What I am asking is that you consider the impact each of your actions has on your children, from major life changes to little things like birthday parties and homework. I am asking you to consider the physical and mental health of your children in your actions and remember that your children are not tools to be used against your ex.
As I share my journey of my divorce and learning to single parent and co/split parent I find myself connecting with more and more parents who are learning how to parent in multiple households. I will say that for the most part many of us are doing the best we can and managing to put aside our differences and do what's best for the kids. It's called being an adult. I can't tell you the number of times I have sat through sporting events and banquets for my kids in the past year with my ex. Was it the most enjoyable of times? No. Did I do it for my kids? Yes. Did I sometimes go home and cry and be miserable? Yes. Did I let my kids know how much it upset me? No. I was an adult about it. In fact my ex and I managed this past year to astound a few people in our gymnastics community that we were divorcing since we attended so many meets together and sat together.
But, it astounds me the number of parents who cannot be adults in these situations. I hear stories of mothers and fathers acting out like a 3 year old having a tantrum. They refuse simple things like a shift in a schedule to accommodate a reasonable request. In the stories that I hear from other parents many of these shifts would allow the other parent more time with your children. I can't fathom not wanting more time with my kids. I have a large portion of time with my kids and it never feels like enough, so if I run into a situation where I get offered more time I typically jump on it. It's a very rare occasion that I would be refusing this bonus time. And really? What are your children going to think when/if they find out? You're choosing something else over them, and that's going to hurt. The reality is that you're not punishing your ex by refusing to be helpful; you're hurting your children.
Their world has already changed enough with the splitting of their household, so the least that you can do is try to make sure that your children know how much you love and value them. They learn and understand through your actions and inactions. Step up and act like an adult and a parent. A parent's role is to be present for their children, and not just when it's convenient for you.
I am certainly not advocating for you to not pursue your own happiness, dreams and desires. And I am not saying that you don't deserve to be happy. What I am asking is that you consider the impact each of your actions has on your children, from major life changes to little things like birthday parties and homework. I am asking you to consider the physical and mental health of your children in your actions and remember that your children are not tools to be used against your ex.
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