Then logistics: when? how do you find the time? and on and on it goes.... Let me tell you there are hundreds, likely thousands of blog posts and articles about this topic geared toward single moms. Many address the pesky aspect of dealing with your children and dating, because let's be honest, all single parents are worried on some level about this. These articles run the gamut from I won't introduce my kids to anyone until he's about to put a ring on my finger to my kids know every man I've ever dated from date 1 (or maybe 2). So what's a mom to do?
Personally? Throw out all the advice and posts and just go with your gut and a little guidance from your friends when entering the the crazy world of dating. Keep yourself safe and have fun along the way. Know your expectations, are you looking for something casual? are looking for something long term? or something else. While you're looking at your expectations of the type of relationship, you need to to address what you are searching for in that partner.
Single, divorced parents are some of the strongest people I know. We have had our worlds completely turned upside down and have come out changed. I was telling a friend that it's similar to giving birth, periods of intense pain, periods of respite, a long hard challenge at the end with your person and soul forever changed once that baby is born. Yup, divorce is a lot like labor and birth. You would be silly to go looking for a relationship with same expectations of a partner as you had previously. You are not the same person you were, there's no use denying it.
Me? I am now a strong, independent, financially independent woman and single mom of 4. It's not that I wasn't those things before, they just have a very different meaning. I don't need someone to come support me financially. I want someone who can show up when I need help emotionally, or with a physical project. I don't care what you do for work as long as you're happy and take pride in what you do. I want someone who will let me vent, offer solutions when asked and make me margaritas or bring me beer. I want someone who makes me laugh, really laugh; who tells me silly jokes and sends me texts to make me laugh and smile. I want someone who's not afraid of crazy adventures and wants to come on them with me. Someone who's also willing to hang out at home and watch a movie. A man willing to cook with me or for me and isn't afraid of the dishes either. A man who sees me for me, not the mom, not the runner, not the physical therapist, but just me.
Truth? I didn't know all of that when I first started dating. It was about going out, having fun and figuring out what exactly I wanted. But it was also about protecting my time and energy, I wasn't going to waste my time on a series of dates with someone with whom I didn't have a connection. I did know that there was no way I was going to introduce my children to someone who wasn't special to me.
As it's turned out dating has been quite a learning experience. I learned that some men think that I am difficult, rude and a host of nasty names because I refuse to drop everything to meet them somewhere. My kids come first in my life and I am certainly not going to drop everything to meet some strange guy when I have my kids, if you're not willing to wait until I have kid-free time then you are certainly not worth my time. On that note I also learned that name calling is sadly rather common when you're not in agreement with their hobbies or activities, especially those that might be illegal.
Single, divorced parents are some of the strongest people I know. We have had our worlds completely turned upside down and have come out changed. I was telling a friend that it's similar to giving birth, periods of intense pain, periods of respite, a long hard challenge at the end with your person and soul forever changed once that baby is born. Yup, divorce is a lot like labor and birth. You would be silly to go looking for a relationship with same expectations of a partner as you had previously. You are not the same person you were, there's no use denying it.
Me? I am now a strong, independent, financially independent woman and single mom of 4. It's not that I wasn't those things before, they just have a very different meaning. I don't need someone to come support me financially. I want someone who can show up when I need help emotionally, or with a physical project. I don't care what you do for work as long as you're happy and take pride in what you do. I want someone who will let me vent, offer solutions when asked and make me margaritas or bring me beer. I want someone who makes me laugh, really laugh; who tells me silly jokes and sends me texts to make me laugh and smile. I want someone who's not afraid of crazy adventures and wants to come on them with me. Someone who's also willing to hang out at home and watch a movie. A man willing to cook with me or for me and isn't afraid of the dishes either. A man who sees me for me, not the mom, not the runner, not the physical therapist, but just me.
Truth? I didn't know all of that when I first started dating. It was about going out, having fun and figuring out what exactly I wanted. But it was also about protecting my time and energy, I wasn't going to waste my time on a series of dates with someone with whom I didn't have a connection. I did know that there was no way I was going to introduce my children to someone who wasn't special to me.
As it's turned out dating has been quite a learning experience. I learned that some men think that I am difficult, rude and a host of nasty names because I refuse to drop everything to meet them somewhere. My kids come first in my life and I am certainly not going to drop everything to meet some strange guy when I have my kids, if you're not willing to wait until I have kid-free time then you are certainly not worth my time. On that note I also learned that name calling is sadly rather common when you're not in agreement with their hobbies or activities, especially those that might be illegal.
I learned that despite being clear on expectations, there are plenty of men who still will push for a hook-up. I'm sorry, but that's just not me. If that's your thing great, but please look elsewhere.
I learned that some people think that no topic is off limits when getting to know the other person, even before meeting in person. We'll just leave it at one sent me an exhaustive list of his "toy" collection and wanted to know mine......
Did you know that when dating a single mom that it's ok to ask about her kids? But, planning what you're going to be doing with them in 3 months is not appropriate, especially on a first date. Seriously. This gentleman I met within an hour of our date was planning how he was going to take them skiing and snowboarding. It was a little creepy to be honest. He meant well from what I could tell, and was trying to show that he was ok with me having kids, but way too fast dude!
After a lesson learned about not having a set end time for a midday date, I learned to always have a truly set end/exit plan. On one horrifying lunch date at a local brewery I knew within moments that it was not going to go well, but I also knew I only had 2 hours to survive it. The hostess sat us, handed us menus and then the beer menu. He immediately hands it back to her with "oh we won't be drinking." I'm sorry but what? First off, I should be able to make my own choice about an alcoholic beverage, and second this dude picked the brewery for our restaurant! Why, oh why, would you pick a brewery and then not allow someone to drink? He did tell me after she left, for I'm sure I made some type of face, that he was very concerned about drinking and driving. I can totally respect that, but I still stand by the fact that I should have been able to make my own choice. Clearly things did not start off well and 2 hours later where I had listened to him drone on about his job and hobbies I was incredibly thankful that I had my preset exit time.
It's no wonder that I had a string of single dates, no one worth my time for a second date. But, it was along these that I learned exactly what qualities I was seeking. Honesty- from the man who lied both about his age and where he lived. Laughter- from the one who bored me to tears and another who told me funny jokes. Availability- from the one who stood me up (yup it happens). Must love cats- from the one who can't stand them. On and on the list grew, as well as my own awareness and my certainty that it would take someone extremely special to be able to meet my children in any way.
From there it was about finding the magic, being true to my own expectations and boundaries and letting go of the outcome. For it's when we release our fears of the outcomes that the magic occurs. Knowing that within the magic comes connection, dreams and hope.
It's no wonder that I had a string of single dates, no one worth my time for a second date. But, it was along these that I learned exactly what qualities I was seeking. Honesty- from the man who lied both about his age and where he lived. Laughter- from the one who bored me to tears and another who told me funny jokes. Availability- from the one who stood me up (yup it happens). Must love cats- from the one who can't stand them. On and on the list grew, as well as my own awareness and my certainty that it would take someone extremely special to be able to meet my children in any way.
From there it was about finding the magic, being true to my own expectations and boundaries and letting go of the outcome. For it's when we release our fears of the outcomes that the magic occurs. Knowing that within the magic comes connection, dreams and hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment