Closure

A little envelope came in the mail today. Nothing fancy, but I knew what was in it: the official divorce decree. How did I know? I had an email from my attorney earlier in the week with the PDF copy of it, so I knew my hard copy was to arrive soon. It's such a simple little thing, two sheets of paper in a legal envelope, marking the end of a chapter. So different than the multiple pages signed and agreed upon dividing up the things that made up our life. This is just an 8x10 sheet with a raised, notarized stamp saying we approve of your multi-page settlement, but it carries with it a finality that the larger document does not.

I knew the day was coming that it would arrive, and I didn't know how I would react. I know many have gone to celebrate; I know many have gone to go weep, and then others somewhere in the middle. It's been such an emotional process these past 3 years that to reach this milestone, chapter closure, I don't know exactly what I feel. Relief? Thankfulness that it's done? Grief? Likely it's a combination of all of these and more.

My marriage wasn't easy, and I'm aware that no marriage is easy, but marriages that end in divorce have their own struggles that a healthy marriage cannot understand. When you factor in children it adds to the complexity of the grieving and healing process. My therapist has told me that in her experiences those that divorce without children may often heal faster as it is a clean break. Those of us with children are going to interact with this person for the rest of our lives, and on a more frequent basis until they are 18. This alone create stress and anxiety, so while we are officially divorced I still have to interact with their dad frequently for the benefit of our children. I say it not to be a martyr, but to be clear that in this instance my wants and needs are superseded by those of my children. So the "freedom" that has been granted me officially has a different connotation than to a woman who does not have children.

I will say it has been heady going and officially changing my name at Social Security and the DMV. It's about creating my own identity. I am not the person that my parents named as an infant, nor the woman that assumed a name at 23, this time I am choosing me, my name. I returned to my maiden name, but kept my "new" middle name. In choosing this new name I chose my new identity, display my power and revel in the magic that I am creating. I have to think every time I sign my name to make sure I identify myself correctly and that is a powerful reminder of who I am choosing.

I chose me. I chose life. I chose happiness and love. I chose to show my children that it takes all different kinds of courage to make a life worth living. So while I sit here tonight processing the impact of an envelope I examine and reflect on the gift of closure. This isn't the "when a door closes open a window scenario," this is a chose your own adventure book. Skip ahead to page 44 to pick up your story. While I reach closure on this process I know I am in a period of transition, on my way to living what I'm terming "a life less ordinary." Surely some of you are thinking that I already live a less than ordinary life, and while I do, there is still more to see and do and experience.

Follow me along this next trail while I explore, develop and grow into my chosen self and my life less ordinary.

Dating

Dating. That's a scary, loaded word. Add in single mom dating and the terror is unreal. The questions just start coming hard and fast: how/where do you meet someone? do you go with a free app or paid app or both?

Then logistics: when? how do you find the time? and on and on it goes.... Let me tell you there are hundreds, likely thousands of blog posts and articles about this topic geared toward single moms. Many address the pesky aspect of dealing with your children and dating, because let's be honest, all single parents are worried on some level about this. These articles run the gamut from I won't introduce my kids to anyone until he's about to put a ring on my finger to my kids know every man I've ever dated from date 1 (or maybe 2). So what's a mom to do?

Personally? Throw out all the advice and posts and just go with your gut and a little guidance from your friends when entering the the crazy world of dating. Keep yourself safe and have fun along the way. Know your expectations, are you looking for something casual? are looking for something long term? or something else. While you're looking at your expectations of the type of relationship, you need to to address what you are searching for in that partner.

Single, divorced parents are some of the strongest people I know. We have had our worlds completely turned upside down and have come out changed. I was telling a friend that it's similar to giving birth, periods of intense pain, periods of respite, a long hard challenge at the end with your person and soul forever changed once that baby is born. Yup, divorce is a lot like labor and birth. You would be silly to go looking for a relationship with same expectations of a partner as you had previously. You are not the same person you were, there's no use denying it.

Me? I am now a strong, independent, financially independent woman and single mom of 4. It's not that I wasn't those things before, they just have a very different meaning. I don't need someone to come support me financially. I want someone who can show up when I need help emotionally, or with a physical project. I don't care what you do for work as long as you're happy and take pride in what you do. I want someone who will let me vent, offer solutions when asked and make me margaritas or bring me beer. I want someone who makes me laugh, really laugh; who tells me silly jokes and sends me texts to make me laugh and smile. I want someone who's not afraid of crazy adventures and wants to come on them with me. Someone who's also willing to hang out at home and watch a movie. A man willing to cook with me or for me and isn't afraid of the dishes either. A man who sees me for me, not the mom, not the runner, not the physical therapist, but just me.

Truth? I didn't know all of that when I first started dating. It was about going out, having fun and figuring out what exactly I wanted. But it was also about protecting my time and energy, I wasn't going to waste my time on a series of dates with someone with whom I didn't have a connection. I did know that there was no way I was going to introduce my children to someone who wasn't special to me.

As it's turned out dating has been quite a learning experience. I learned that some men think that I am difficult, rude and a host of nasty names because I refuse to drop everything to meet them somewhere. My kids come first in my life and I am certainly not going to drop everything to meet some strange guy when I have my kids, if you're not willing to wait until I have kid-free time then you are certainly not worth my time. On that note I also learned that name calling is sadly rather common when you're not in agreement with their hobbies or activities, especially those that might be illegal.

I learned that despite being clear on expectations, there are plenty of men who still will push for a hook-up. I'm sorry, but that's just not me. If that's your thing great, but please look elsewhere.

I learned that some people think that no topic is off limits when getting to know the other person, even before meeting in person. We'll just leave it at one sent me an exhaustive list of his "toy" collection and wanted to know mine......

Did you know that when dating a single mom that it's ok to ask about her kids? But, planning what you're going to be doing with them in 3 months is not appropriate, especially on a first date. Seriously. This gentleman I met within an hour of our date was planning how he was going to take them skiing and snowboarding. It was a little creepy to be honest. He meant well from what I could tell, and was trying to show that he was ok with me having kids, but way too fast dude!

After a lesson learned about not having a set end time for a midday date, I learned to always have a truly set end/exit plan. On one horrifying lunch date at a local brewery I knew within moments that it was not going to go well, but I also knew I only had 2 hours to survive it. The hostess sat us, handed us menus and then the beer menu. He immediately hands it back to her with "oh we won't be drinking." I'm sorry but what? First off, I should be able to make my own choice about an alcoholic beverage, and second this dude picked the brewery for our restaurant! Why, oh why, would you pick a brewery and then not allow someone to drink? He did tell me after she left, for I'm sure I made some type of face, that he was very concerned about drinking and driving. I can totally respect that, but I still stand by the fact that I should have been able to make my own choice. Clearly things did not start off well and 2 hours later where I had listened to him drone on about his job and hobbies I was incredibly thankful that I had my preset exit time.

It's no wonder that I had a string of single dates, no one worth my time for a second date. But, it was along these that I learned exactly what qualities I was seeking. Honesty- from the man who lied both about his age and where he lived. Laughter- from the one who bored me to tears and another who told me funny jokes. Availability- from the one who stood me up (yup it happens). Must love cats- from the one who can't stand them. On and on the list grew, as well as my own awareness and my certainty that it would take someone extremely special to be able to meet my children in any way.

From there it was about finding the magic, being true to my own expectations and boundaries and letting go of the outcome. For it's when we release our fears of the outcomes that the magic occurs. Knowing that within the magic comes connection, dreams and hope. 

The AT ate my visor

Yup! The AT (Appalachian Trail) ate my visor. To be fair, it was my fault, but now it's gone, likely living somewhere near the William Penn Shelter. I hope it's happy there. I'd be happier if it was with me, but I'll just have to find a new one. So after my backpacking trip this weekend I have a few lessons learned I'd like to share with you:

1. Always check all of your compartments to make sure they're zipped up and that anything clipped to your bag is still there after taking a rest break. Yup, that's how my visor disappeared. Sadly I didn't realize until 10+ miles later, there was NO way I was going back for it.
2. Don't text and pack or you might forget something important, like say your sleeping bag. In my defense I packed the liner, so at least I had some type of cover. That being said I ended up sleeping in my wool base layer, extra shirt, jacket, hat, two pairs of socks and had the liner pulled up over my head to stay warm. 60s at night sounds great until you don't have sufficient coverage to stay warm consistently.
3. Those pretty streams aren't just for crossing and looking at- they're also your water source. Fairly obvious right? One would think so, but in my haze of enjoying the scenery it didn't dawn on me that those pretty streams and rivers were the water source listed on the map. Thankfully I didn't run out of water, but I was conserving more than usual until I knew I was going to make it to the next water source 3+ miles down the trail.
4. Drink more water! Again, obvious, but most hikers (and runners!) don't drink enough. Guilty party here. I am terrified of running out of water (see #3) so I conserve way more than I should, and then I get moving uphill and can't figure out why this is so challenging..... dehydration signs at their finest.
5. Climbing that rise is difficult, but going down is going to be even more challenging, especially if they don't believe in switchbacks. I was detesting climbing up (see #4) and then all of a sudden my quads were dying going downhill. I used a few running techniques to include leaning forward to offload my quads, relying more on my poles and attempting to let momentum carry me safely, but thanks to Rocksylvania that's not easily possible.
6. Move off to the side of the trail when letting someone pass, and FYI uphill hikers have the right of way. I always make a point to step off the trail when able to let someone pass, but there was nothing more frustrating than finally finding my stride (see #5) headed up an incline only to have to move over onto a rockier part to let an oblivious hiker share the trail with me.
7. Say Hi and chat with fellow hikers if they stop you. I know you have miles to conquer but maybe they have some useful information. Two different groups stopped me when they learned my destination to warn me about the flooded trail and to take the dry trail detour unless I wanted to be soaked.
8. Test out your gear and know the ins and outs of it. Maybe I'm continuing to point out the obvious, but I thought I knew my pack in and out before this trip. And then the rain hit and I realized I had a rain cover for it, but no idea how to attach it. I didn't even bother attempting it in the rain, figuring my stuff had a better chance staying dry if I just kept moving. 
9. Wet rocks are slippier than they appear. Day 2 topping off my water before leaving camp I push off to climb back out of the stream and in goes my right foot. I hadn't even started my hike for the day and that foot was soaked. I swore I had good purchase on that rock, but apparently not.
10. Laugh at yourself, a lot. I spend a lot of my hikes smiling and laughing quietly (and not so quietly) at myself. Every time I stub my toe (a lot less this trip!) and about go sprawling I smile and often chuckle, what else can I do? I could be mad, but the truth is the rock was always there, I just misjudged my feet. It makes for a much more pleasant hike when you can find humor in your actions (see #9). 

So these are my silly little lessons learned on my hike this weekend. I hope you find them useful.

Solo

Armed with the confidence from a single backpacking trip I decided to close out my summer as I had started it, a trip along the AT, just this time I would be solo. I studied maps, joined two all women facebook groups dedicated solely to hiking, and made my plans. I guessed on mileage, and planned for a 2 night trip. I bought supplies and arranged a shuttle to pick me up from my car, drive me out 30 miles and drop me off.

The nerves hit the night before as I packed, double and triple checking my gear and food. If I forgot something I was on my own, there was no magic but my own to fix the situation. I tried to remember everything my dear friend had taught me. I hoped and prayed that it would be enough. Nerves carried me to the trailhead after my drop. A few deep breaths and my poles, pack and I were off. Within 10 feet the nerves were gone, my body seemed to remember how to use the poles and stride with a weighted pack. There was no fear about being alone on the trail, for I was alone. It took three hours to spot another human.

I walked in silence and peaceful bliss along a tree covered ridge-line with a smile on my face. There were not many views, but there was peace and beauty. I had packed headphones in case the silence became deafening, but it never did. I enjoyed listening to the birds, insects and my own thoughts spun uninterrupted. Personally, I had been craving this trip, a chance to get away with my own thoughts and heal without distractions. On the trail my mind was clear, there were no distractions, but the initial driving impetus of this trip had fallen away. This trip became about me being comfortable in the silence of my mind. For someone with anxiety, this can be a challenge, there's always a lurking fear that the anxiety will take hold and spiral you. I could not afford to have an anxiety spiral on the trail. Thankfully, my anxiety never surfaced, not even when I was a few miles from camp and running low on water and energy. It wasn't one of those times where I had just mastered the anxiety or was ignoring it; it 100% was not present. The mountains were speaking to my soul, and in that moment I knew that I was going to be fine.

This trip was not about the recreating the magic found on my first trip, but creating a new type of magic. There is no recreating that kind of magic that I had Memorial Day weekend. I carry it with me still.  This solo trip required a new brand of courage and for me to delve into my own magic. I'm not saying there weren't moments that I didn't wish for my friend, but I was content to be solo. Alone on the trail you learn more about yourself than imaginable. If you read accounts of thru-hikers or talk to any you will learn that they all say the same thing after finishing: life will never be the same. While my short hike (28.5 miles or 1.3% of the AT) cannot compare to a thru-hike, I know that I am forever changed.

I know that I am a stronger hiker than I thought when developing my plans. My Memorial Day hike we covered about 26 miles over the 2 days, so I planned a 28 mile hike figuring that I would be moving slower without assistance. Day 1 I covered 16.8 miles and realized that I would reach my car the next day around 2 at that pace. I made plans to hike past the car to get my 2 nights in the woods. Apparently, the universe had other plans for me, as on Day 2 the rain came crashing down about a mile and a half from my car and the forecast called for more rain and thunderstorms. While I had the opportunity to continue hiking, I decided that I had achieved my goal and consider it a successful hike even if it was just 1 night out.

I found peace and happiness along the trail, despite the challenges and pain. I found more of me. I listened to the voices in my head about true abilities, my courage, my love and the possibilities of the future. Though I left the trail soaked and looking like a drowned rat, I left with hope and love in my heart, complete in a newfound magic built on the base created in May.

Day 1 (16.8 miles)

Day 2 from start to a wet soggy finish at my car (11.7 miles)