Goodbye 2020

I know that this year has presented all of us with significant challenges and there are many who would care to forget this year, and walk into 2021 to never speak of 2020 again, yet I am not one of those people. While this year has presented situations that I would care not to repeat, there have been exceptional moments as well. This year has challenged me in unexpected ways and I love the person that I am becoming from the growth this year.

I started this year alone, standing at the top of a mountain watching the first rays of the sun strike and color the land. It was cold, it was peaceful, and it was beautiful. I began my year of with trips planned and adventure in my heart. How was I to know that the adventure would not be what I imagined, yet an adventure it would be. Only a few short days into 2020 I had a phone call and conversation that has altered my entire life. 2020 has brought me to Rue McKenrick and the American Perimeter Trail. In that single phone call and the few that occurred over those next few weeks I rapidly found myself engaged into some amazing and unique, a passion project that is quickly evolving into a life change. Rue and I forged a friendship and bond through our work, quickly transitioning from business partners to best friends. There is not enough I can say about this man, my best friend, and it is thanks to 2020 that I have him in my life, in my children's lives. We have walked through significant trials over the past 12 months, challenging each other, challenging our beliefs, emotions and so much more. I marvel at how much we have both changed, and in many ways, outgrown our current situations. The coming year and future has much in store for us and the trail organization.

While the trail and Rue have occupied a significant amount of my time, the year has also brought me stronger friendships with some, some have faded, and new ones have entered. What a blessing to be brought 2 new friends that listen, support, and guide. These 2 individuals may not quite understand the impact that they have had on my life this year, but they have, even if it has been quietly in the background. I have struggled for years watching the large groups of friends and wishing I was a piece of them, but 2020 has brought me peace with my unconventional group of friends. Most of my close friends are not local to me, but spread across the country, and I have finally found peace and acceptance with this difference. Another gift of 2020 that I choose not to return.

2020 has brought significant time with children, rough times, fun times, chaos, but most of all LOVE. Our little family of 5 has become an even more solid unit and I have watched each blossom into their roles, beings and step into themselves. Everyday I witness a little bit more of them growing and changing and I am thankful for these opportunities that 2020 has brought. I wish I could say that I am a more patient mother, but I am not. I am more aware of them and their needs though, and how to assist them in navigating this ever changing situation.

As we celebrate the close of 2020 tonight I am thankful and blessed for all the people that I met this year, from those that have hiked with me, to those that chose to walk/drift away, and those that entered my life shining with love. My word for this year was adventure and adventure I have had. Blessed be 2020.

30 Days of Thanks: November 30, 2020

It's Monday, a full moon, and the end of the month. Tomorrow dawns the last month of 2020, and this post should be a beautiful summary of all of the gratitude that I have recorded over the past 30 days, yet it will not. I could certainly write all of that, but it would not ring true as that is not where my head and heart are at this moment.

Tonight, as I sit here hurting, I am thankful for the ability to love deeply, to be that vulnerable with my heart and myself. I sit tonight with tears in my eyes, sadness present, and fighting the instinct to shut it all down. For when you love openly and vulnerably you may hurt, and my heart wants to protect itself. It is yelling, screaming, pleading to close down, throw up the walls, hide away, and protect! protect! protect! Instead, I sit here letting those feeling wash over me, the tears flowing freely, dripping on my keyboard, my open pages of the letter I wrote but will not send. It simply hurts. It is old traumas coming to surface, it is new experiences intermingling with the old and a moment for cleansing and healing.

I am thankful for the ability to know that I can love that vulnerably. I am thankful for the previous experiences that allow me enough vision in this painful moment to recognize that the instinctual withdrawal is a protective mechanism and I have a choice. I can lean into the pain, or I can flee. You can read here that I chose the pain; fleeing does nothing expect create more trauma. With that I sit here wondering the path forward, yet knowing that in this moment I cannot see the path, nor could I safely choose a path. Choosing a path in this moment would be to grasp the thorny stem of the rose with a fist and squeeze, painful and a poor choice. I will trust that the next steps of the path are there, just hidden under the leaves.

Love, and loving openly, is a gift, and as it blooms so does the individual. I choose to bloom.

30 Days of Thanks: November 29, 2020

As the end of November draws near and today is the first Sunday of Advent I find myself thankful for the waiting period. Advent is a period of waiting, a period of darkness, a period for transformation. I am not by nature a patient person, I have some patience, but never enough it feels to me. This year I am thankful for practicing patience, learning to be comfortable in the discomfort of waiting, and learning to live in the waiting place.

You can put your life on hold while waiting, or you can choose to live it. I have been faced with multiple waiting periods over 2020, as have many of us, and each time I have chosen to live within that period. It was not always easy, it was not always comfortable, and certainly it was not my choice to be waiting. With the beginning of Advent we await Christ's birth, a period of darkness before the star and the light of his birth. I am thankful for this period of waiting now upon us. I use December to reflect, meditate, and ground myself after the year. With all the changes that have occurred in 2020 I am thankful for this waiting period now present. I will wait, I will practice more patience, and I will live. My life will not wait, but will continue to follow and seek a life less ordinary.

 

30 Days of Thanks: November 28, 2020

Every step, every moment is a gift. That impossible appearing hill or mountain is a gift. As I hiked a strenuous trail today, one of my absolute favorites, and my legs were tired of climbing, my lungs burned and my nose itched under my mask all I could think was that I had been given a gift. It feels like a lifetime ago that I rediscovered hiking and my joy of the outdoors. I feel as if I have been backpacking my entire life, not just 18 months. The gift I was given in May 2019 continues to gift me with more. It connected me to an entirely new community, connected me to the American Perimeter Trail Project, and most importantly connected me back to me.

Out on the trail, nothing but nature around me and in me I can hear myself. I hear my thoughts, experience my feelings in new ways. I purposefully choose not to listen to music, but my own thoughts, my own fears, and experience them. It is a gift to be able to walk with myself. I make the conscious choice to connect and communicate with me. This past year I have been seeking adventures with other, not because I cannot walk with myself, but because I craved community. After 11 months of seeking community on the trail with backpacking I have decided that for now I will not actively seek community, I will let the path lead. My adventures with others backpacking went well, I had no complaints and I would go out again with any of the ladies I met, though for me I missed myself. I missed my contemplative time, the quiet I experience on the trail. I am the hiker that prefers quiet and listening to nature. I do enjoy a good conversation, but I also prefer the peace that I find in the quiet. I can find my footing, find myself, and find the gift that is me.

It is a gift to walk for me to walk with me, as me. On the trail there is only me, no longer do I function as mom, manager, coordinator, coach, cheerleader, chef, maid, analyst, laundress, chauffeur, therapist. I am only me. The trail, no matter the length, provides me with that gift. Running used to provide something similar, but I never found the peace in it as I have with hiking and backpacking. Laughing at myself as I stumble, catch my toe on the never ending rocks of Pennsylvania, listening to my poles scratch the rocks, feeling the pole slip off the rock I find myself repeatedly. There I can see the woman I am, perfectly imperfect, yet a gift. 

 

30 Days of Thanks: November 27, 2020

Today I'm thankful for a slow pace. I often rush and jam pack my days, but today I opted to take it slow. It was a sleeping in morning, reading in bed, lazy breakfast morning. I took my time, in no hurry, and made it out and about for my 2 errands easily and with no stress. It made running errands much less stressful since I had no time agenda. I arrived home and opted to rest a bit more, eat a lazy lunch and then hit the trails.

I packed a book, drove to my state park and hit the easy trail. There I leisurely walked along the river until I found my favorite little corner where the river crashes noisily and the rocks are positioned just so. Out came my little pad and up went my feet. I dazed at the water, content to listen and fall away from myself, a meditation of sorts. After some time I opted to pull out my book and read, my back on the tree and my feet on the rocks, the water sounds my only accompaniment. There I found myself swept up in the story, it may have been minutes, it may have been an hour, I honestly do not know how much time passed. I do know all of a sudden there were people and a golden retriever across the river from me and I was startled out of my trance. That was my cue to get up and move. I hiked on, following the river as much as possible before being forced back to the paved trail.

I watched the others around me hustle and run, as I leisurely walked, no concern for the slowly setting sun and the rising moon. When I reached my car the moon had risen and the sun was mostly set, yet it was only 5pm. I was not afraid as there was plenty of light and I have certainly hiked in darkness before. It was an easy drive home and a simple dinner of leftovers.

Today was a day I needed. Simple, slow, easy. It was peaceful and full of connections as well. For all of these I give thanks.

30 Days of Thanks: November 26, 2020 Thanksgiving

 Happy Thanksgiving 2020!

I sit here tonight after a unique thanksgiving, an experience to which many of us can relate. For the past 3 years I have been at my cousin's, and prior to that alternated between hosting, my parent's and my in-laws. Today I awoke and had the morning to myself; coffee, a book, and a tub of blueberries. It was a pleasant start, and the day progressed to a non-traditional dinner with my parents of smoked prime rib, lemon-alfredo pasta, cranberry sauce, salad, and cannoli chip cheesecake for dessert. 

As I drove home I reflected on the multitude of drives I have made Thanksgiving night, returning home to an empty home. Tonight I came home to my 2 cats waiting at the door, and peace in my heart. It is direct contrast to a drive I made a few years ago, where I drove home full of both happiness and pain. Happiness at having spent time with loving family, and imminent pain at returning to an empty home. The anxiety, depression and pain were crushing. I arrived home full of anguish, and in apparently an attempt to feel better I surfed social media. What did I find? More photos of groups, happiness, love and joy, yet there I was sitting in an empty, incredibly lonely home. I will confess that night I found it unbearable and turned to alcohol, thinking a number of drinks would numb the pain. I quickly found out that it did not, and found myself spiraling downwards under the weight of my pain, anxiety and depression. To sum it I made myself even more miserable, and then had a hangover the next morning to boot. Not my best choice in hindsight.

Today I am grateful for that experience, for I know now that alcohol is not the cure to my misery and drunkenness for me, does not numb, but enhance. I am also very thankful for more tools in my kit and the courage and strength to use them. I am thankful for a therapist who has helped me cultivate them and friends that are there. I am appreciative of the journey and lessons learned. There are moments when we have to experience the pain to further our growth. Each experience leads to a learning opportunity when you are willing and able to access it. This does not indicate that in the midst of trauma, tragedy, or anxiety/depression you have to search for the lesson; in those moments it is my opinion that you walk through them, experience them, and pray that you have someone to walk with you. 

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the peace and love in my heart. Peace and love that I have cultivated and nurtured. I am thankful for the experiences that have taught me to do that and the people that have influenced my journey. There are select individuals that have been instrumental in this process.This Thanksgiving I am thankful for choosing the life less ordinary.

30 Days of Thanks: November 25, 2020

I sit here tonight in a strange place. I have not been home on Thanksgiving Eve in at least 4 years. For the past 4 years I have driven to my cousin's home, spent the night, awoken very early on Thanksgiving and assisted her at her business. When the even was over we would pack up, return to her home and enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. This year there are no events, no need for me to assist her, and no fun family Thanksgiving. While I am sad about it, I cannot help but reflect and be grateful for the times that we did have.

My cousin and her husband always had a place for me in their home, and at their table. They welcomed my lonely self, who was often not the best company as I worked through my divorce, being apart from my children at a holiday, and all of layers of each. There was always love and laughter and community. This year will be celebrated differently by many, yet I am still thankful to have this time and this space. I am thankful for the memories I have of the past 4 years. I am thankful for the comfort and care that was provided for me. 

Even in the change that this holiday season presents there is gratitude if you choose to find it.

30 Days of Thanks: November 24, 2020

Connection.

In everything that has been 2020, there is still connection. While we may be 6ft or more apart, there has been a growing connection. I have witnessed people reaching out more to others, increased inclusion, and increased love. As I sit here amidst it all I am grateful for connection. For the opportunity to find and interact at spiritual levels, soul levels, not just superficial layers with other individuals. 

For me these connections began before the pandemic, but have intensified throughout it. I have written repeatedly about the gifts that I have received from the pandemic. It is a choice I make, to connect to the gratitude mindset. This to me does not mean always finding the positive, but acknowledging the pain and being thankful for it, experiencing it, so that I accept and move forward. It is about connecting to people, places, experiences to propel myself, heal myself, and find my inner truths. Each connection provides me some form of healing or a community.

I find myself more connected than I started the year, with a larger, but still small community. These relationships are more intimate and fulfilling because of the awareness. Tonight, I am thankful for these connections and all that they have provided for me over the past year.

30 Days of Thanks: November 23, 2020

Today I am thankful for the journey. I never could have imagined the journey that I have been on these past 40 years. I never would have thought that I would have gotten married, moved to Kentucky, and then had 4 kids in 4 years and 6 days all while pursuing my PhD. I couldn't have dreamed that we would pack up our family and move away to the east coast, only to divorce a few short years later.

How could I have dreamed that I would have been introduced to backpacking and from that one single trip found a passion that would lead me into a project such as the American Perimeter Trail? Life is a journey. I know it's cliché, but for me it is true. Each decade has provided new growth, and while in my 20s I thought I knew who I was becoming, this woman before you never existed in her mind. My 30s taught me more about myself and was such a period of personal growth I reflect on that with both fondness and fatigue. I can hope that the growth continues into this decade, but overall I am thankful for the journey.

As I reflect on the convoluted ways I found myself here tonight I am grateful. Was it where I thought I would be? No. Is it where I want to be? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I have destinations in mind, but I am learning to make peace with the consistent change of destination. I am learning to focus on the moment, and the current path, while not keeping my eyes always ahead on the horizon. I reflect on the steps that lead me here, the strength, courage, determination, grace, pain, and love that fueled it, and use those to guide me forward. I will continue to pursue my life less ordinary and walk the path under my feet.

30 Days of Thanks: November 22, 2020

Today I am thankful for time. I have had time to spend this weekend with my children without the chaos and hustle of prepping Thanksgiving. With the rising covid numbers and new state restrictions I made the difficult decision to cancel our annual Friendsgiving dinner. It was just not going to feasible or what we would all enjoy with the current state of affairs, so this weekend we had time. We raked leaves, had a mini-Friends marathon, watched some movies, made popcorn and just had time. 

The enjoyable part of this entire covid experience is time. Without the hustle we have time, time to bond (and yes to fight), time to teach (and argue), time to connect and disconnect. This weekend I taught one child to make a pecan pie, and another how to use the meat grinder. I taught two of them that cooking is a following a recipe, but also reading and understanding the recipe and moving beyond it. We had some fun opportunities because of the gift of time.

It's not all rose colored glasses, as we did have moments of screaming and yelling, and poor attitudes for everyone, myself included, but we are learning to be more harmonious. S is willing to use the table saw to cut the bamboo that everyone else has gathered so they can make some fighting sticks, or try to build a teepee. G is outside playing more, while D is off gathering a friend to come over. My swingset is covered in branches and bamboo from the collections of B, all of which is happening because of this gift of time. Yes we fight and struggle, but there is much love coming from our gift of time. 

When we no longer have limits on gatherings and life has returned to something more traditional I hope that my children, and myself, can reflect on this period not with bitterness, but with love. We have grown in our love because of the gift of time. 

30 Days of Thanks: November 21, 2020

I sit tonight with the blank screen taunting me, what are you going to write tonight dear? There is no inspiration, there are no stories coming to mind at the moment, and yet you still insist on sharing. Why? Why do you insist on sharing?

I share my story, the highs, the lows and everything in between as both a way for me to heal, grow, and shift, but also as a way to find community. The social media world in which we reside often displays the highs, perfection. The photo cropped to show only the happy faces, and not the mess on the floor, or the 20 takes it took to make that single shot. Life is not a reflection of an edited photo; life is messy. I don't live my life in a filter, and yes, while I will crop a photo to hide the basket of socks to be matched or the pile of laundry, there are often photos I'll share with all of that showing. That is my life, there is always a basket of socks waiting to be matched at my house, we do hide it when company comes, so if you've seen it in person you're not company, but family.

I share my stories, my struggles, the grief and the processing so other women especially know it's normal. It's normal to not be ok after a divorce; it's normal to fall apart, but also fly high in new experiences and adventures. It's ok to love your children to pieces and have a life outside of them, and to not feel guilty or sad when they leave. It is ok to want a break from your job as a full-time parent. I share so other parents do not have to experience the guilt I felt as I went through these emotions. When I finally opened up to a few individuals and found they have had similar emotions I was more than relieved, I was ecstatic. 

While there is not a large community that follow me here, and most of these posts are read by family and close friends, I write to share, to create community. At some point there will be someone who will find these posts, my journey and find healing, find a connection, and peace within themselves. I share to this intimate community a glimpse into my mind, my emotions, my journey so I can heal from my own trauma. 

Tonight I find myself thankful for the courage and opportunity to share in this space. 

30 Days of Thanks: November 20, 2020

Sometimes it's the little things for which I am most grateful. Today it was the combination of those, from B trying to cook egg in a basket herself and coming up in tears because they didn't come out "right" to a goodnight hug from D, and the text from a friend. Those little things cumulate into bigger things, spreading the love and the light, helping me find my light. The moments that remind you that you matter, you're needed, wanted and loved. 

Society wants to tell us to only appreciate the grand gestures, but life is not black-tie affair. Life is leggings and jeans and leotards and pjs, with messy hair, smelly feet and morning breath. A cup of coffee, a bite of their favorite food, a piece of toast brought up- these things make the lasting impact. While I fondly remember the surprise breakfast in bed my children cooked me this year for my birthday, I also love the random lunches or breakfasts they made for absolutely no reason at all. I will cherish those as much, and sometimes more than the larger. The surprise postcard or letter that I can re-read at leisure is sweeter than the email, and it's tangible, touchable too. Sweetness, light, and love and spread through the little gestures; it is these that keep the glow, not the bright and hot flash or grandness.

While I do appreciate grandness, I also appreciate simplicity, and today I am thankful for simplicity. A night of homemade pizza, Friends reruns and snuggles on the couch. As the end of the month closes in and Christmas season approaches I appreciate the simplicity in the moments and am thankful for them.

30 Days of Thanks: November 19, 2020

Love.

It's a simple word, but intricately complex. It finds us at unexpected times, wrapping us, carrying us and reminding us that we are necessary, vital, and worthy. We can spend ages seeking it, when it is there, in the simple hug from a child, a text from a friend, or even a smile across the room or zoom. We have our friends that we love, family that we love, partners that we love, children, and animals too. There is a love for the land, and a love for the community, all of which manifest in our lives in multitudes if we only recognize it as love.

I see the love of my virtual community in their comments, likes, sharing and engagement. I see the love of my friends and family with the texts and calls and visits. I see the love in my children when I get my goodnight hugs, asking to turn out their lights, and their desire to share their day with me. I see the love of my coworkers in the thank you's, acknowledgements of my efforts (and others) and the generosity of spirit they demonstrate in caring for their patients and families. 

I love often through giving, whether it's cooking a meal or a treat, writing words of encouragement, or sending a package, that's how I often express my love. My children hear I love you daily, my friends, not nearly often enough. I choose to express it more through my actions than my words, in hopes that they will experience the love that way. I struggle with the verbal vulnerability of saying I love you to my friends. This year, while challenging in so many ways, I have had to face that vulnerability directly. It has presented it's own difficulties and I am thankful for the courage to face it.

Why is it so challenging? Divorce, loss of love, an entire upheaval of your life and beliefs changes your heart. With the ending of my marriage I retreated, holding my love close to me and my children. I was still generous with offerings, but certainly more cautious. If something that was supposed to be indestructible (my marriage) had failed, I reasoned that I was unloveable, unwanted and unneeded in society except for my children and parents, unworthy. While my divorce set me free in many ways, it also restricted my heart. I refused to allow people into my space for a significant fear of being hurt or found lacking. Through lots of work in therapy, and out, on the trauma of the divorce and other aspects of my life, I began to soften, allow a few people into my sacred space, yet I still remained apart, unable to trust someone with me.

There was discontent, a desire to belong, be a part of a community, yet the fear reigned. Fear trumped love. As I studied love in all of it's different forms I found myself being surrounded with it, enveloped, and discovered that even in the darkest moments of anxiety and depression there had been love, I had just been denying it. Recognizing love, accepting love meant being vulnerable, a place I was not comfortable, a place that triggered fear and anxiety. There is no security in vulnerability, only trust, faith, and hope. I had to choose: lead with love or lead with fear. I choose to lead with love, and that meant embracing my vulnerable self and sharing her. It was time to find someone with whom I could trust me. In opening myself I gained not only 1 person who I could trust, but an intimate group. For these individuals I am grateful. For these opportunities to be raw, vulnerable, and me I am thankful. For the growth in the past 10 months I am thankful. Yet, as I feel myself at the point of a significant change I feel the pull of leading with fear, and must find my courage to leap with love.

Today I am thankful for love, for vulnerability, for trust, for community.

30 Days of Thanks: November 18, 2020

I don't often write here about my day job due to a circumstance that arose from one of posts, but today I am compelled to share the joys and gratitude I have for my job. I have a job that allows me the flexibility to drive my kid to the orthodontist this morning, or work from home if one of them is sick. I have a job that has thankfully allowed me to work from home through the early stages of the pandemic and then afforded me the flexibility to be home and working while my kids are doing virtual school. I am so thankful to have this position and the flexibility it has afforded me.

Not only that but this position came with the added benefit of a great officemate. I know I can go into work in a funk and be feeling better in a hour as she chats about her day, her daughter and her new grandson. This sweet woman will grab me a coffee or a water or anything if she's taking a walk to the cafeteria, offer me her snacks, and just about anything. She was a single mom, so she understands the struggles and is always there with an ear. I know when I took this position and moved into her office I was a little worried. She has worked for our company for many years, she's instrumental to the people with whom she works. I always knew her to be friendly and have a smile for all, but I was unsure of the dynamic we would have. I never needed to worry, we hit it off fairly quickly and have been fast friends since. I send her hiking pictures and in return get sweet grandbaby and puppy pictures.

What blessings I have

30 Days of Thanks: November 16-17, 2020

There are moments in my life where it would have been a big deal to me to have missed a day in my 30 days of thanks posting. Yesterday evening I was exhausted, physically primarily, but also emotionally. These past 2 weeks have challenged me, upended what was my routine and made me feel like I was no longer grounded. I am finding my footing again and working through my fears to release them. I barely had it in me to write in my journal, there was nothing left to compose a thankful post.

Today, I am thankful that I acknowledged and recognized that in myself yesterday and skipped my post. The world did not end, and I did not suffer, in fact I gained a few extra minutes of much needed sleep not writing. 

I am also thankful that I am learning balance. Not "to balance" but balance. I am great, excellent at balancing and juggling, taking on more tasks and rearranging things, balancing them. I am working on balance, that place of no longer juggling the balls or spinning the plates, but more focused time on individual areas. It does not mean that I do not have competing interests, it means I am working on prioritizing tasks, family, projects, friends, and most of all me. Just because I can do something, does not mean I have to do it, I am delegating and learning to say no. I always find it easier to say no for other people, or protect their own interests, property, etc, but mine, not as much.

Over the past 2 years I have been claiming more of my own, learning to protect more of my own time and talents, yet I still will over exert myself. I am thankful for the growing into balance. I am far from done, but thankful and grateful to be on the journey. Balance leads to peace, and peace will propagate more love. I choose to have a life of live, joy, and balance.

30 Days of Thanks: November 15, 2020

Today I give thanks for my mother. It's her birthday, a chance to celebrate her and all that she has done and all that she means to me, and to my kids. My mother is the glue that holds this family together. She managed to keep us from falling apart through 7 different states in my first 22 years of life, each one not only a new geography, but a new culture, a new climate to navigate. She found me the activities I wanted and drove me, or arranged rides for me. She helped us craft a new life in each of these places, each simple dwelling became a home. One that she maintained while still working and managing the clutter and chaos that my father and I produce.

My mother is patient, she is kind, she is generous and loving and supportive. She is a wonderful Nonna to her grandkids. They know her to show up with a tin of cookies, a pot of soup, a bag of groceries, bagels and cream cheese, or to just do the yardwork I never have time to do. This August she devoted the entire month to refinishing my walls in our playroom/desk area since she knew it was what I wanted and would not easily have time to complete on my own. My mother is an excellent cook and I have such fond memories of her cooking and then us cooking together. Today my father and I were able to provide her with a meal of her choosing. 

My mother is the type of mother that I want to be, yet I am not. I can only be me, and hope that one day my children will feel the same way I do about her in regards to me. I do my best, and while I often fall short in my eyes, I know I have done my best in the moment. My mother (and father) taught me to give my best to everything, to work hard, study hard, and put in the work to chase down those dreams. From my mother I learned how to support someone else chasing a dream and a goal. From her I learned to sew, cook, read passionately, and pray.

Everyday I am thankful and blessed to have my mother. Today I am thankful we had another year together and many more coming.

30 Days of Thanks: November 14, 2020

 Today, I am thankful for the opportunity to get outside and rake leaves. Yes, really. It was a nice day out, I had my music in my ears and the sun on my face while I worked for an hour. It's a simple thing, and a chore that I needed to address, yet I'm thankful I had the chance. I spend a significant amount of time inside and the opportunity to work outside was a nice change. There was something satisfying about clearing the leaves and hauling them to the front of my lawn for pickup. The sense of accomplishment is different than a mentally challenging task, and for that simple change I am also grateful.

30 Days of Thanks: November 13, 2020

Do you have a passion project?

I do. In January I joined the American Perimeter Trail Project, a leap of faith on my part. I took on the self-proclaimed role of coordinator I had no idea what exactly I would be doing, but I knew in my heart, in my body, that it was what I meant to do. Shortly after beginning my role I found myself wrapped up in this project in ways I could have never imagined. What began as a simple way to help someone else complete a crazy dream, quickly became my passion project as well. Over the past 10.5 months of being intimately involved with this I have found my footing, my stability and a beautiful community that feeds my heart.

I have watched this community step up, every single time we have needed them. From purchasing food, supplies, sending money, providing lodging and transportation, this community has become a family. I have never witnessed something quite like what they have done, many of them pouring out generosity for a total stranger, entrusting me with supplies to keep Rue hiking and safe. For months there were packages delivered to me for him, each box containing a bit of magic, a lot of love and reminding me what it's like to be a kid on Christmas morning. I opened each box, never knowing what it might contain, often holding back tears of gratitude. How beautiful is their love for him, for the project. I often struggle to adequately describe the impact this passion project has had not only on me, but my children as well.

I never imagined that they would participate in the way that they have, nor find the love for it that I have. What a gift I have been given. There is a complicated series of events that led me to this project, ones that were incredibly painful and ones that were full of beauty. As I experienced each one, especially the painful ones I had no idea that I would be where I am now. If you had told me a year ago I'd have large tubs of food and supplies for a hiker in Oregon taking up my garage I'd have laughed. If you had told me that I would find my feet, my grounding, my place, in a community that I helped grow, and along the way my best friend I would have shook my head at you and said that you must have me confused with someone else. 

My passion project is a blessing, something I give thanks for every night. I am thankful for the path that lead me here and the courage I had to say yes. I said yes, jumping fully into the unknown, and I thank God daily for that. Today is no exception, and while I am in the midst of a painful experience I am trying to reflect that often these experiences lead to beautiful opportunities. I am thankful, grateful, and blessed to have this project, this community and these experiences. They are a light, and they help me be a light.

30 Days of Thanks: November 12, 2020

Bear with me on this post for the beginning is not going to sound like gratitude. I have been writing more recently with a focus on my anxiety and the blessings that have come it, and while all of that is true, it is still a force in my life. Anxiety is the one thing that I would change in a heartbeat, sure I would like to be stronger, leaner, prettier, but truly I would heal the anxiety over anything else. For it tries to steal the very essence of who you are with seductive lies rooted in your deepest fears and insecurities. Yes, you can be thankful for the revelation of those fears and insecurities, but there are ample moments where you would prefer to be either blissfully unaware or not have them. The amount of energy it takes to release it, process it and at times battle it is staggering, and I am tired.

I am tired of battling with low-level anxiety. I am tired of waking up out of sorts and being in near tears during my morning workout because the anxiety is rearing it's head and I'm also hungry. I am tired of managing working from home and the office and kids schooling at home and school. I am tired of friends coming into my life only to disappear. I am tired of trying to find the balance of my paid job, my coaching job, and my trail coordinator position, something has to give and the reality of what I want to remove and what's feasible are not in alignment right now.

I am tired of being told to be patient, yet it is the lesson I still need to practice the most. I want to find the gratitude in this, yet tonight it is not present in this element. The gratitude comes in the form of grace, the grace to be my authentic tired self in this moment. I honor the fact that I am tired, that my wants and needs are not being met in the ways that I would prefer them. I honor the fact that it's ok not to be ok right in this moment, and am affording myself that grace. For that ability alone to accept those truths and honor those feelings I am grateful.

In these moments I do not want to find a silver lining or "pollyanna" the situation. Yes, there are lessons to be learned and there is a purpose behind every action, but consistently focusing on that part alone does not afford me the opportunity to experience the event in the moment. Grief, anxiety, sadness, frustration, and fatigue are very real and, to me, should be experienced so that I can move forward. I will embrace these temporary visitors and then send them on their way. I know that truly all will be well, because all IS well, this moment is not permanent. Gratitude is fed by grace. 

30 Days of Thanks: November 11, 2020

A simple conversation is all it takes. I didn't know that my anxiety was still bubbling until a few minutes into a phone call and I found myself in near tears, almost ready to pick a fight. I took a breath, and then another, told my friend that the words were hurtful to me, even if not intentioned and we worked through it together. A simple communication of feelings on both sides and an understanding reached, and now, in reflection I can see that that moment and the resulting time connecting helped me relieve the anxiety.

How can I not be thankful for anxiety relief? How can I not be thankful for communication with openness and love? How can I not be thankful for the healing provided tonight?

I am thankful, grateful, blessed even. I sit here now with tears of gratitude in my eyes for someone who so cares about me, loves me, and sees me. This year has been incredibly challenging for so many of us and though there is much I think I would change, I know that because of this year I have forged an intimate bond that feeds my soul.

I started this year with my word of intention: adventure. I know that this year has been an adventure, though not the one I pictured with ample hiking, a backpacking trip in Colorado, a weekend in Sedona, and so much more. I have hiked, I have backpacked even, though not in those places and I never made it to Sedona. Adventure has found me in the chaos of 2020 and I have found adventure. In the adventure I have found love and gratitude and community.

I have been blessed with an incredible mentor, one who leads with so much heart and compassion that I am humbled and in awe. Speaking tonight with him helped me heal my heart and soothe my anxiety. How can I not be thankful?

Tonight the gratitude pours off me in waves, gathers in the corners of my eyes as tears, and pounds through me as my heart beats. Gratitude for a soul connection.

30 Days of Thanks: November 10, 2020

Tonight I sit here, my stomach rolling from anxiety, and between the two it makes it challenging to find my gratitude. Though, in fact, the anxiety is the reason I need to find my gratitude. Reframe the perspective and reset the mind, as I sip my mint tea in order to soothe the physical side of the anxiety. With that I find myself thankful for the knowledge of my anxiety and the toolbox I have to manage it.

I have simple tools such as belly breathing, yoga breathing, and my 5 breath method. I could take a walk or a run or yoga. I could write; I could call a friend; I could call my therapist (bless her). I can cry too. I could go to sleep. Options- I have options, I just have to choose.

Two years ago I had limited options. I let my anxiety dictate a lot of my life, including my behavior. I almost lost a friend over it, that was the wake-up call that I needed. With a lot of work in and out of therapy I know my triggers, or at least most of them, and I have tools at my disposal. As the anxiety waves started arriving tonight and the voice crept into my head, one that tried to make me feel guilty for my own needs and wants, I knew it was anxiety. I knew it was from a poor night's sleep and being stressed about work projects. I knew it was from blocking parts of myself off and finally letting some of them out last night.

Emotional and spiritual growth are difficult, but there is always a choice. I can choose to stay as I am, or I can choose to evolve and grow. I can become a more authentic me. With the evolution of the self comes anxiety for me. It's the seeds of change, and when the uncertainty and feelings of instability appear the anxiety is triggered. I am thankful for the opportunity of growth and thankful for the knowledge and power to address the anxiety.

30 Days of Thanks: November 6-9, 2020

This past weekend I had the opportunity to hike 30 miles of the Appalachian Trail in Pennsylvania with a new hiking partner. A woman I had met through social media, but never in person; a woman in many ways very different from me, but passionate about the outdoors and a love of hiking. There is much to be grateful for over these days that I was not writing.

Friday, November 6th I was thankful for the flexibility and privilege in my job to work a half day to leave early for my adventure. Not everyone has paid time off, or a manager who is gracious, flexible and understanding when you want to leave early so you can hike. I understand that I have these privileges, and it is a blessing.

Saturday, November 7th oh what a day. The weather was cool at the start and warmed quickly. My morning brightened by a text from S on the status of the election. How wonderful to be greeted with a text from a 13 year old. It is not something I would have likely done at her age. What a blessing she is in my life. My hiking partner and I covered 13 miles or so in the sunlight and then in the dark, lit by the light of her headlamp. What a day, we filtered water from a ground spring, hiked in a forest with the leaves crunching under our feet and rocks galore. We carried what we needed on our backs and the land provided the water. It was a beautiful experience. I am thankful for the strength in my body to hike.

Sunday, November 8th we had 14.2 miles to cover in a limited amount of time. It was hot, 37 degrees as we started our day at 8:15am and the temperature rose to 73 degrees by midday. The sun was shining and it was beautiful, but no clouds and no wind made for a hot November hike. The trail was relatively flat along the ridgetop, but rocky as always, water was scarce. On that day a trail angel provided water while at a road crossing, as well as companionable conversation. I became tired, frustrated at our schedule and progress as I watched us fall further behind. I had a deadline and it became very apparent in the early afternoon that we would not be making the time deadline. I am thankful for the grace that was granted to me to be gracious to my hiking partner. I knew that being angry and frustrated with her would not improve the situation, I knew that she was trying her best, and that her body was not cooperating as she wanted. so, instead of giving into those feelings I chose to extend grace. I am thankful that I chose grace. It was not that long ago that I would not have chosen to bestow that much grace, but I was able to let it go during the hike. I let myself vent at the end when we were all done and she was gone, but I was proud of my behavior.

On that Sunday I am also thankful for a ex-husband who also granted me grace for my incredibly late arrival. It was not that long ago that a lateness would have garnered anger and resentment, but with improved communication skills and my own healing journey it was a smooth transition.

In addition to the ex, I'm thankful for a friend who, on their birthday, drove food over to my that night for dinner. There I was, smelly, dirty, exhausted, and hungry and he arrived with 2 plates of food and cake. He stayed to keep me company while I ate and we celebrated with cake and beer.

Monday, November 9 I awoke home and clean in my own bed. A house, a roof over my head, running water, electricity, and options, glorious options of food. Such a contrast to the past 2 days of carrying all of my needs, yet both bring me love. Hiking provides me with peace that carries into my home life no other activity has ever done previously. I awoke thankful for the adventure, the opportunity to have the adventure and the courage to take and enjoy the adventure. 

Hiking is not always about the hike itself; it's the lessons I learn about myself along the miles and the emotional growth that I allow. I am thankful for the guidance that I have received from friends, family, and a fabulous therapist over the past few years that have awarded me with the courage to explore these adventures with a more open heart. Peace and grace to you all.

30 Days of Thanks: November 5, 2020

This evening I sit here and wonder what I am grateful for in this moment, this day. It's not that I don't have a grateful heart, I do, it's just I have no focus. Usually as I sit to craft these posts I have a theme, a reason, something in mind, yet tonight there is no clear reason. My purpose in doing these daily posts is to reflect and find a joy in the day, or peace, and always gratitude. 

Today I find myself grateful to have another day. To be present here on this earth, and experience this life in this body. I am thankful for the experiences I have had until this point, for each has contributed to this path that I am on. It is mine, and mine alone. Separate, yet part of the larger collective of the human and soul experience. I am grateful for having lived in 11 states, experienced life on the I-95 corridor and off of it. Life along the I-75 and I-90 corridors as well. Living in so many unique places within the continental USA has given me a distinct perspective on life and culture and shaped me into who I am. It has connected me with all different people, and all have influenced the person I am becoming.

I believe that we are never fully that person, we should be ever evolving and changing. I chose not to be stagnant, thus in choosing to evolve and enlighten myself I must be grateful for another day full of experiences. Today I am grateful for them. I'm grateful for the time spent connecting with some of my favorite people, even if it was just for a few moments. These connections nourish my soul and brighten my experience. For them I am grateful.

30 Days of Thanks: November 4, 2020

There have been moments today that this day has felt like the longest day of 2020 yet as my children and I have reloaded and stalked election maps all day. As of 10:25pm eastern there is no winner declared in the election, and while my family remains hopeful that there will be an outcome come morning, we also know that this is just the first step in the process. What a day it has been and the conversations I have had with all of these kids of mine.

When I was their ages (13, 12, 11, 9) I don't recall being this interested in politics. We have discussed the electoral college, the inconsistencies with it, the popular vote and differences in voting this year in comparison to previous years. We discussed voting rights and that evolution. When I hear them whine and make statements about sore losers I try to remind them that not everyone is taught to be gracious loser, and that it is just as important to be a gracious winner. I remind them that people can act irrationally when their dreams, goals, and visions do not happen in the manner in which they want. I also remind them that it is ok to fight and stand-up for your beliefs, but it is also important to listen with an open mind and heart to the opposers. There is always something new to be learned, even with your opposition. 

All of these leads me to my point of gratitude for today: inquisitive children. There are moments like these when I have the ability to be thankful for kids that are engaged in things outside of themselves, that they can reflect on the bigger picture. We discussed the impact of laws and government on people who are not privileged like us, who do not look like us, have a family like us, beliefs like us and the differences between urban, suburban and rural. They may not have understood all of the concepts, but they listened attentively and asked questions, formed their own opinions and shared them. All of this from us studying the blue and red maps. They were able to see the differences between rural and urban voting and the importance of balancing these so that each vote counts. These inquisitive children blew my mind, and today I am grateful for their inquisitive minds.

30 Days of Thanks: November 3, 2020

Tonight I sit here at my computer and reflect on the past 4 years as I have the election coverage in the background. I can't help but reflect on what I was doing 4 years ago on election night. Four years ago, on election night as we all sat watching the contest between Clinton and Trump come to head my life reached a critical moment. It was that evening that I shared with my husband at the time that I was unhappy, miserable, and wanted a separation. Not a divorce, but a separation. Our divorce came months down the road.

I sat that there that night in fear. Fear of his reaction, fear of my choice, fear of the impact of my choice on my children, and feeding on the general public fear that Trump was gaining ground. I was terrified, shaking, but I found the strength and courage to have that conversation. It was not easy, and it took all of me to make it through my statement. That evening as I slept on the couch I found my body depleted in a new way, but also at peace. How could such a traumatic moment in my life give me peace?

As I reflect back to those moments 4 years ago I am thankful for the courage I gained that night, and the courage that has continued to be with me since then. It was one of the most difficult nights of my life, but I found courage among the fear. More importantly, I found myself. I can see now with 4 years of life behind me, that in that moment I found a new love and respect for myself. That courage, love, and respect have fueled these past 4 years in creating this new life. They have given me the strength to keep fighting for a life I love and one that loves me back. I will use these gifts to continue my life less ordinary.

30 Days of Thanks: November 2, 2020

 Friendship.

It's such a simple thing, but today a true friendship is what I am most thankful for. I have made many friends in this lifetime, some are seasonal friends, some are location friends, and a very select few are lifelong friends. There have been many season friends whom I thought would be lifelong, only to have them drift away. I will try and try to maintain the connection, but a friendship must be maintained on both ends for it to thrive.

Today, there was a simple phone call in which specific topics were meant to be covered, and while those were touched upon the call quickly became one in which this friend reminded me (again) that this is a lifelong friendship. During the conversation it was apparent I was having a rough morning and this friend took the time to remind me and guide me through some truths. Was it easy? No. Was it comfortable? No. Did I sit there in near silence, blinking tears out of my eyes while I was spoken to? Yes. Did I want to hear all of that? Honestly, no, but it was things I needed to hear, things that I need and want to address in my life. Truths were spoken from a place of love and kindness and even if I wasn't in a place at that moment to receive all of it, they were heard.

Friends like the one above are rare. Friends that are willing to walk with you through the jungle that is anxiety and trauma response are unique individuals. These friends are willing to hold your pain briefly so you can breathe and then release it back to you. They can be problem solvers if necessary, but they understand, often from their own experience, that you can solve the issue within yourself, you just want someone to walk with you and validate your experience. On this day in November, I am thankful for the gift of true lifelong friendship.

30 Days of Thanks: November 1, 2020

Every year I compose a blog a day in November, to give thanks, to reflect, and to set my intentions for the last of the year. 2020 is no different in that regard, though we can all agree that 2020 has been a challenging year. There are many who wish to never repeat this year, think of this year, or even speak of this year come 2021, yet I am not one of those. I will admit that it has been a challenging and difficult year. I have had to search for the joy amidst the chaos and stress, yet joy has been found, as well as love. In the moment I cannot say that I am thankful for 2020, but I am thankful for the opportunities that it has provided.

Today, November 1, 2020 I am thankful for opportunity. This year I have been able to have an entire new world of possibilities opened to me; ones in which I could have never dreamed about. When the opportunities have presented themselves I have made myself available. These opportunities have brought new friends and friendships, an abundance of love and a new purpose and passion to me. As the opportunities have grown I have watched them impact not only me, but my children as well, and this was unexpected. It's been a beautiful gift.

Opportunity in 2020 has also presented itself in increased family time and connection. Though there have been many moments when the 5 of us are certainly tired of seeing one another and we long for separation, we all have connected more. Yes my kids have driven me crazy, and driven each other crazy. Yes, they want to be with their friends more, not wear a mask and just return to pre-Covid life, but I also know they are enjoying have more flexibility and free-time in their schedules. We all are benefitting from this unique opportunity.

To be fair not every opportunity has had a positive outcome, but today I am here to give thanks. What are you thankful for today?

Single Parent Secrets

There is so much the world doesn't see with single parenting. The parents who feel guilty enjoying their kid-free time and then the guilt that comes when they arrive home and you're secretly wishing for just 1 more hour, 1 more day of quiet before love and chaos resumes. There's juggling the finances around so they can participate in school events, activities and all of those things, while managing 2-3 jobs to make it all work. Then working that much so you're tired A LOT, and feeling guilty when you want to spend a little of that hard-earned money on yourself. All of these are more visible aspects of single parent life.

What no one shares is the tears at night, the tears driving to and from work, and the journals where you share your fears, concerns and emotions that come with single parenting. The moments that you wish someone was there to carry your load for just a moment so you can breathe, give you a hug or hold your hand so you can get through it. I'm often told "I don't know how you do it." I do it because I have to, there is no one else. I have primary custody of my beautiful kids, so that means I carry the brunt of it all. Please don't get me wrong, I know my kids' father loves, cares and worries about them, but it's different when you are the primary caregiver. It doesn't matter how great of a support system you have, there are just times at 2am that you want to roll over, and share that burden. You want to have late night talks about how you're going to manage it all and even if you can't find a solution you know you have assistance. Those are the issues that single parents who were formerly a duo don't discuss. We don't discuss it because getting divorced is still taboo in many senses. 

Divorce is often viewed as the easy option, for people who quit, can't make it work, didn't try hard enough. So tell me again why I would share the sense of loss I feel when I'm struggling with an issue about my kids? Then you're conflicted because you feel like your energy and emotions should be poured into your child, but there's a very real sense of loss and singularity that happens in conjunction with it. I am stressed and upset about my child/children and then upset because I'm on my own in it. Moving from a 2 parent household to a single has so many more ramifications that most people can imagine. I know that not every 2 parent household has equal parenting burdens, but there is always the illusion that there is another adult there in which to share. Many of us cling to (or clung to) those illusions as a coping mechanism. There is no illusion in single parenthood. All it takes is to look in the mirror and you can there view your support system.

I have a support system, but they're not available all the time. They lead lives, have families and are often busy, just like I am. As much as they love me there are just times when they don't have time to talk, as much as they say they'll always have time they can't; it's not feasible. Sometimes your support system fails you through no fault of their own and sometimes your support system wants to fix you, fix the situation, and all you really want is someone to just walk with you through the rough patch. I am strong enough, capable enough, and independent enough to do what I need to do, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate someone to hold that space for me. Everyone needs people like that in their lives, not just single parents, and while I do, they're again not always available. So, as a single parent you do what you can, and sometimes that means having your support system be on point and sometimes it means crying yourself to sleep at night. In those latter instances you remind yourself that you are not truly alone, but if you're like me anxiety tries to spin another tale which leaves you exhausted as you're carrying multiple emotional burdens and now battling anxiety. 

Do you see why everyone says I'm so strong?

Do you see why everyone wonders how I do it?

Do you see why many single parents struggle to ask for help?

Do you see why I mean it when I say call me at 2am or 3am?

Do you see my secrets now?

Are you seen?

Everyone tends to think that the 3 most important, most impactful words are "I love you" and while they are powerful and important I think there are 3 more that are even more critical: "I see you". For there are plenty of moments in your life where you are loved, but not seen, not recognized for who you are. When someone says they see you, it not only means they love you, but they recognize you for who you are. How many times have you been in a relationship of any form where you can feel the care and concern, but still not feel seen? Still be invisible?

When you are seen that other individual confirms your existence as you experience it. There is no questioning, just acceptance. A validation of you in that time and space. They see you, accept you and love you. It's a different experience than I love you. If you have someone in your life that sees you and tells you that they see you, you know that this person cares deeply about you. They understand that desire to be visible, accepted, and loved as you are. Too often I love you comes with the desire to change the person or with blinders. You are loved for an idea of who you are, not who you are at your core, an image. This is not false love, that individual does love you, they just don't necessarily see you. It could be because you don't let them see you, or they are unable to view beyond their own boundaries, regardless of the reason there is a difference in the love and being seen.

I have a small group of people that "see" me. There is no need to explain things, though I often do regardless. They see me, understand my desire to explain myself even when not necessary. They see me through the anxiety, remind me that I am me, not my anxiety. They love me, simply for who I am. They tell me I am seen. I am valuable. I am loved. To me, the distinction is important; I do not desire to be loved on a pedestal, I desire to be loved and accepted for who I am. I desire to be seen, accepted for me. Me, the woman, mother, coordinator, therapist, backpacker/hiker, writer, and coach. But most of all me, the soul in a human body. A survivor and thriver of life's experiences; one who is on a path to create a life less ordinary for herself and her children.

So I ask you, who in your life sees you?

This is 40

In the past few months I have come to acknowledge the power of 40. Forty is not the naive youth of your 20s, nor the growth and experiences of your 30s, but the acceptance of your own being and recognition of your own power. Each decade before brought it's own growth, challenges and joy, and while I expect that the 40s will do the same there is a unique magic to 40. It comes with a dread and becomes an adventure.

At 40, a single, divorced mom of 4, I am more grounded than I was in the previous years. This does not come from age alone, but the internal growth I have undergone. Forty means stepping into my power, acknowledging who I am and accepting who I am. It is seeing me for me, loving her, even the parts I would change, and showing her to the world with the statement "I am me." For at 40 I can see me, the woman with the hips that carried 4 children; legs that have run marathons, chased children and hiked countless miles; a belly marked with stripes from carrying children; and hazel eyes that have seen joy, destruction, beauty, pain, love, and hope.

I have spent much of my life fighting myself, never quite fitting in, using that as my shield and torch. I am setting down those props and embracing my uniqueness with love. I will never be the one who spends weekends with lifelong childhood friends, driving through a neighborhood I have lived all my life. Instead, I am the one who has childhood friends across the states, friends with whom I can stay at a moment's notice, picking up right where we need to, despite a decade apart. Friends in Texas, Michigan, Florida, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, to name a few. I will always have a unique tribe, and it's something I enjoy, and at 40 am embracing with love. In fighting myself I faced every challenge alone, refusing to allow help. When the world said it was nearly impossible to complete a task, I would tell the world to sit down and watch me. It was set as a gauntlet, a challenge, not from a place of love. And you all did- you watched me fight through earning my PhD with 4 kids and husband; you watched me struggle with a license, housing and finances; you watched me battle the anxiety that was here pre-divorce and in earnest post-divorce. Now, at 40, I see my mistakes, when the task is nearly impossible I can complete it alone, but I can share the burden. I can chose to go forth in love or in fear.

At 40, I chose to go forth in love.

This is 40:

• seeing the woman in the mirror and loving her crinkles at her eyes, the light in her eyes, and all the little imperfections
• understanding that accepting help does not make you weaker, but stronger
• learning that love comes in all forms
• following passion and dreams, not only for yourself, but to model to your children
• finding the rhythms of parenting 4 unique individuals and accepting that you are never going to have all the answers
• accepting the situation at hand and then changing what you can
• taking risks, refusing to let fear and anxiety dictate
• choosing a life less ordinary and crafting it
• finding the courage in large and small situations to express my opinion, needs and desires regardless of the outcome

At 40, I go forth in love.

Heart

One month ago, on June 2, I dropped my best friend off in a Kroger parking lot in West Virginia to take the next steps to completing a crazy goal. I drove off in tears, consumed with grief at leaving behind my best friend. Driving the 4.5 hours home intermittently crying tears of grief, sadness, frustration and joy. Yes, joy. For you see when I had driven earlier that week to pick up my friend he wasn't my best friend, certainly fairly close, but those few days together, solidified everything and we were suddenly best friends. Despite the tears of grief, those tears of joy existed amongst them. I was happy to have an amazing friendship, one that challenged me, supported me and one in which I was safe, secure and loved. There was grief at leaving him, knowing that it would be months of grueling work on his part to complete this goal; grief at the short time we had together; fear of the unknown, for hiking does involve danger and we have already had enough dangerous encounters these past few months. 

When I volunteered to assist Rue McKenrick with the American Perimeter Trail project I distinctly remember sending him a message that I sincerely hoped that we would be friends as well as business partners. Little did either of us know that we would quickly become friends and in a few short months develop a deep bond of friendship and gain a lifetime best friend. He and I have had a whirlwind of 6 months, from nearly running out of money, hiking through the initial wave of Covid-19, to creating a logo, storefront and building a community; it has been beautiful and chaotic. We juggle the business aspect of the Trail and our friendship, often switching mid-conversation from business to personal and back to business. While it is highly unconventional it works for us. This is no ordinary business or project. This is a project that requires heart, faith and love. You can't connect people to the land and the land to communities without heart.

Heart, it's something I haven't spoken about much here lately. My heart is fully vested into this project, and in committing myself to something larger than me I find my heart opening in new ways. It's challenged me, challenged the experiences I have had over the past 20 years, and I find new pieces of myself frequently. It's been a beautiful gift that I have been given, though not without painful growth. In volunteering for this project I could have never imagined what I would be doing, where I would grow and how it would change me. I know that this project is not temporary, but a lifelong commitment. It fuels my personal goal to living a life less ordinary; teaching my children to chase dreams and that a cookie-cutter life is not the only option. This project and this beautiful friendship are a blessing and a gift, not only for me, but for them as well. I can reflect back over these past 6 months and see immense changes in myself, and it all stems from the changes in my heart. One of the best surprises of the heart has been to observe my children's hearts. I listen to them reflect on how Rue is doing hiking; is he safe? does he have enough food, money? It's statements like tonight that are made at bedtime, "have you spoken with Rue? Is he ok tonight?" that strike my heart and allow me glimpses into the hearts of my children. 

As I open more, they open more. There is less fear, less uncertainty and a more stable, loving life. As they watch me jump in and dedicate my time, heart and energy to this, they follow of their own accord, but also open their own hearts as well. In those moments it brings me tears of joy and disbelief. As a parent you often hope that your children have the ability to act beyond themselves; within this project and my relationship with Rue, I have I have been able to observe their hearts, actions and intentions. I am beyond grateful for those glimpses. So, as I drove away I cried for myself, for my children and for him; for it was not just a leaving of a best friend, but of a piece of myself. Our meeting had been 5 months in the making, and it's another 4 months to the next. I'll see you in Bend Rue.

Rue and I before the drop-off

Gratitude

I was asked earlier this week to identify how I want to be thanked, acknowledged, recognized. How would I best like gratitude expressed to me? I stumbled in my response, this wasn't the usual survey that you complete at work that has basic options such as do you want to be publicly recognized, no public recognition, would you like a specific candy treat, etc that I have completed before. This was a genuine question and concern to acknowledge me and my contributions in a way that would be most comfortable and address my needs. Again, I stumbled. Maybe you know right off the bat, but I certainly didn't and promised that I would think and reflect.

It's uncomfortable to sit and think about this. Why? It's not that I don't believe that I am not worthy of the praise, nor that I don't deserve it. It's partially that I am not used to that type of recognition. Those of you who were around in the early years of this blog, following the journey to the PhD there was very little praise, it was a lot of criticism, not always constructive either. Those years certainly left a mark on me, as well as my marriage. It is a different feeling to be acknowledged for being yourself. The contributions I am making are certainly worth being recognized and gratitude expressed, though what I am doing is such a core part of me that at times it seems silly to "thank me" for doing what comes naturally. Though, I know from past experience that if I am not recognized it can lead to frustration, anger, resentment, and a lot of hurt feelings and misery on my end. So, I have to sit with my discomfort and find what is going to be the most accepting to balance my need to be recognized and seen and not be placed on a pedestal.

Two things that are always important to me are words and actions. It is through these that I feel the most loved, appreciated and seen. When you examine gratitude it is a form of love, so it only makes sense to tie back to what makes you feel loved. I want to hear it out loud, see it written and know that it comes genuinely from your heart.  Private notes, letters, texts, emails are wonderful ways to express this to me, as well as some recognition on a public level. The publicity is less important, as the critical component is the genuineness of the words. In taking the time and effort to acknowledge me in these ways you are also performing an action. Words are critical and crucial to me; though actions are also important. Tying this need into an expression of gratitude and recognition is challenging. I think for these purposes it means follow through, the completion of the desired action. Action isn't the same as gifts. While I enjoy receiving flowers, I appreciate the gesture as much as I appreciate the flowers themselves. Action is taking your time to do something for me, whether that is cooking for me, teaching me a new skill, or even sending me a song, poem, or book I might enjoy.

Through all of this the themes that emerge are connection and genuineness. The expression of recognition should be genuine, personal and written both privately and publicly. Expanding on that gratitude can be expressed through actions that reflect our connection. These may appear to be simple to many, but there is such beauty in the simplicity. I am not one for complexities in areas that do not require. As a woman with a complex, intricately chaotic life, the simplicity of my desires are a reflection of my core self. The external chaos requires a counterbalance of simplicity and connection. I desire to be seen, acknowledged, and recognized for my core being.

Not Seeking Perfection

I am not perfect and I am fine with that. I am me. I am an adventurous, whirlwind woman with an intense ability to love and internal drive to pursue passionate projects with every drop of me. I am a single mom to 4 chaotic kids. I am not a super hero, nor do I want to be on a pedestal. I want and deserve to be loved for the raw me that I am. I have countless flaws, my own insecurities and fears and other imperfections. I am known for saying I'm not special, I'm just me. The other day I was fiercely reminded that I am special and I should eliminate the "just me" from my vocabulary.

I will be honest and share that that didn't sit well with me. For who am I but me? I have been a host of different versions of me, and this new one is quite a powerhouse. The merging and solidifying of so many different aspects of me into this woman I am becoming is not a "just me" woman. She is an unstoppable force. One who leads with love and light, and a little sit down and just do it! attitude. She is a partner, an unbelievable friend, leader, and mother. She adventures, lives freely, and loves openly. If you thought that the woman who started this blog, the mother, wife and PhD student was impressive, well prepared to be amazed over the course of the next few years.

It will be messy, it will be beautiful and it will not be perfect. I have no desire for it to be perfect. There will be mistakes, big ones, massive ones and little ones. Yes, I am sure that there will be lessons in the mistakes, but it's not about the silver lining or always about the blessings that come from those. In the mistakes is the learning of "who I am not" to quote a dear friend. For I learn more in the mistakes of "who I am not" than I do when I am actively seeking who I am. There is beauty in the imperfections that is not found in perfection. As I proceed I don't want to be told I doing things perfectly, I want to be acknowledged for my successes and my imperfections, for it is these that will help keep me balanced.

To quote one of my favorite books "it's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

Got my hair caught in a branch on a recent hike!

End of a Decade

I sit here tonight closing in on the end of my 30s. What an interesting decade this has been. I started my 30's with 3 kids all under the age of 3, married, just trying to survive grad school. Within the year I became pregnant with #4 and spent 4 months in upstate New York, 3 kids in tow, collecting data for my dissertation. I left on that trip knowing I was pregnant, keeping it a secret from everyone but very close family and friends, knowing that it would was going to cause a ruckus at the grad school. I will tell you that when I returned months later, obviously pregnant I was met with a terse reception and statements that do not bear repeating here.

As the decade progressed baby #4 was born and the family was complete: 4 kids (2 of each with my bookend girls), 1 husband and a PhD wanna be mama. That's when you all met me. I studied, I collected data, I wrote, and wrote and wrote until I then I had to edit, edit, edit. And then it was done, the PhD was earned and a chapter closed. For those that have followed along know that from there we moved our family and as always seemed to happen, disasters fell. We had a house to live in, but my job was in limbo due to a licensing issue. For 6 weeks we lived not knowing if we had left everything behind to come to nothing. With a board meeting, letters of recommendation and my pure grit and honesty of the situation it was all resolved and I started that new job.

I worked tirelessly, learning a new dance of being a working mom. It was hard, even though I worked 30 hours a week and I had a clear distinction between work and home, it was challenging. I loved my job, I loved my kids, but I was stressed. I turned to running. I ran more and more, eventually chasing down that first race, a whopping half-marathon. From there you know I was hooked, running was my me time and my escape. I could literally run away from my stress and my problems and come home high on endorphins. But it wasn't enough, there was still stress and my problems, no matter how much I ran they were always waiting for me.

As time progressed we left our rental home and moved to a new one with a better school district, neighborhood, community, and an amazing yard. This move was fraught with challenges; from being told we wouldn't be able to get a loan to almost being homeless it was an extremely stressful 6 months trying to secure housing. The stress was worth it. This home is fantastic. I sit on almost half an acre, I have apple and pear trees, a garden, a cherry tree and grapevine- all of which feed my family. We even have a quarter built chicken coop! Here, my children can run and play and climb and just be kids.

As my 30's progressed I struggled. I wasn't chasing a big dream or goal- I was just trying to survive working, running, a marriage and a financial hell in which we were living. I picked up extra work as a Beachbody coach, and I ran more. I turned to marathons, which meant more time running, super early mornings, runs lasting 3-4 hours and then pushing through the rest of the day just trying to be the best mom and wife that I could. The truth was I wasn't as happy as I made out. I was exhausted, and it wasn't just from the running.

It was everything. I was trying to be everything to everyone and in the process lost myself. I was angry, I was tired, I was resentful, but I was also hurt, anxious, sad and shut out from everyone. I pushed people away, afraid to let them see the imperfect side of me. When everyone assumes you are a super hero it's not easy to let them see you're not. To do this day I still struggle with that, which is why I write here. I want you all to know that those facebook posts and instagram posts don't make up my life. Some of those are the highlight reel, but you also know I now share the lows. The lows are what make us real, authentic humans. I am perfectly imperfect, flawed; but I am me.

The last 3 years I have found me, with exponential growth over the past 18 months. I found that woman inside of me unafraid to chase big, crazy impossible sounding dreams and goals. I found that woman who isn't going to let a typical path lead her life anymore. I fell in love with hiking, backpacking and adventuring, and in doing so fell in love with me again. I am chasing passions and letting them lead me into this new adventurous life. What is it going to mean? I don't know, but I know that it means exciting changes are coming.

I have visions and dreams, but not a roadmap. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that 2023 you will find me on an adventure of a lifetime completing a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail. As I close out these last few minutes of my 30s the biggest lesson I learned was to be ME and love ME. In doing that I can inspire, lead and create the adventurous life I am designed and destined for.

Working from Home: A Single Mom's Perspective

These last few weeks have been a challenge for everyone, amongst the uncertainty and chaos of COVID-19 comes so many unforeseen challenges. I am watching my friends and coworkers wrestle with complex decisions about employment, safety, budgets, and childcare. On social media I see my friends and family posting about being home and enjoying time with their immediate family, completing projects and doing their best to embrace these different times in which we are currently living. I hear personally from friends and family of the joy, pain, fear, anxiety and love that they are experiencing. We will all remember this time period in our lives.

Me? I love seeing the projects, love and time that people are now enjoying, for the most part, with their families. With all of this comes the acknowledgment that I do not get to participate in most of these memory making moments with my own kids. I have the ability to work from home and my work days are long days of plugging in at 7:30am and finishing at 5 or 6pm, with only a few short breaks. I run down the stairs to break up a fight, redirect activities off of screens, make sure chores are being done, assess the board of activities and direct children to activities they have not completed for the day and when the fighting and picking at each other peaks I send them all outside with the strict instructions not to leave the yard, nor play with kids next door. I feel this intense pressure to complete my work, because if I am not completing projects then my coworkers who do not have the ability to work 100% from home do not have as much work that they can complete. What does this mean? This means that for them to get paid they have to use their PTO and the reality is that not everyone has enough PTO to keep those checks coming at the amount they need. So, I feel this internal pressure to get my work done so I know that my coworkers have an opportunity to be paid for a longer time period.

My kids are fine, truly. They are enjoying the freedom that these past 2 weeks have entailed. I have given them a set of daily expectations: 30 min reading, 20 min writing, 30 min arts/crafts, 30 min exercises, 20 min instrument practice, daily chores and each week has an included a "mom" assignment. Last week it was to give a research presentation on any topic they wanted; they presented on dreams, Hindu and Buddhist religions giant pandas, and cheetahs. It was fantastic! This week their assignment is to research our summer vacation: Acadia National Park. All of that being said, it's a lot to manage these busy kids, keep working and not be able to get out and decompress. Prior to the shelter in place order we were able to get in a great hike (for which I received some social shaming- just don't do that ok!), but now that we are sheltering in place hikes are out of the question. My hikes are a key part of mental health and I had been looking forward to getting out this weekend. So it's just me that is truly struggling.

When you're a single parent working from home there is little space to decompress and it is only now that I have come to realization how much I used that 20 min commute drive home to transition. The 30 sec run down the stairs does not allow for that transition. As this period continues I will have to change my habits and expectations for everyone, including myself. But, y'all it's challenging. I WANT to spend some of this time making fun memories with my kids AND get my work done. The struggle and juggle game is a real part of my life, and I don't honestly anticipate that it will be any easier. There is no one here to offload those responsibilities. My parents would gladly come help, but in everyone's interest and to comply with CDC guidelines we can't do that. So for now, it's me and those few days that they can go to their dad's.

What I'm trying to say is that it is a challenging time for everyone right now. I know those parents at home posting about the fun projects and memory making are not sharing their moments of tearing out their hair and pure frustrations, or the stress and worry they feel. I know other working from home parents juggling split shifts of child care and working. Then there are my working friends, from the nurses, therapists, doctors, dentists, social workers, delivery people, grocery store employees and others that are "essential"- the load they carry being potentially exposed everyday and coming home to risk exposing their own family, what must they be experiencing. In these challenging times I just ask that you be kind and lead with love.

Choices

I was listening to Rascal Flatt's My Wish the other day and passed it along to a friend, thinking that they would see themselves in the song. What I didn't expect was their response "I wasn't raised that way." I knew that history, but I didn't send the song for that reason, I sent it because they are persevering despite that. In fact, it's a similar conversation I have had many times over the past few years. People living their lives in contrast to how they were raised, moving beyond the trauma.

I am not a trauma expert, nor will I pretend to be one. I am not a psychologist, social worker or any type of mental health practitioner, I only have my own trauma and my own resiliency to pull from in the strength that it takes to overcome things. I did not have a traumatic childhood, though some would argue moving as much as I did would be, but for me it was normal! I can speak to the courage, strength and energy it takes to make the changes that need to be made to live the life that you want to live.

Each of my friends that have shared stories similar to the one mentioned have become amazing, incredible people. They made the choices they needed to make to become the people that they are. They are inspiring, adventurous, caring, and compassionate individuals. This is not about them overcoming the trauma or living their lives uniquely, it is about these individuals making a choice, a series of choices, to live their life in a manner that represents them, not their history. They inspire me to dream big dreams and chase impossible sounding goals, they remind me of the adventurous girl I once was and the one I am loving rediscovering and showcasing.  I love the lyrics in that song

"And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you"

It's a choice. Life is a choice. They may be difficult choices, and the road will take you down paths that you did not intend, and those that you do not want, but you can keep choosing anew. It's something that I have to remind myself of during these challenging times. I will leave you with my other favorite lyrics

"Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small"