Happy Thanksgiving 2020!
I sit here tonight after a unique thanksgiving, an experience to which many of us can relate. For the past 3 years I have been at my cousin's, and prior to that alternated between hosting, my parent's and my in-laws. Today I awoke and had the morning to myself; coffee, a book, and a tub of blueberries. It was a pleasant start, and the day progressed to a non-traditional dinner with my parents of smoked prime rib, lemon-alfredo pasta, cranberry sauce, salad, and cannoli chip cheesecake for dessert.
As I drove home I reflected on the multitude of drives I have made Thanksgiving night, returning home to an empty home. Tonight I came home to my 2 cats waiting at the door, and peace in my heart. It is direct contrast to a drive I made a few years ago, where I drove home full of both happiness and pain. Happiness at having spent time with loving family, and imminent pain at returning to an empty home. The anxiety, depression and pain were crushing. I arrived home full of anguish, and in apparently an attempt to feel better I surfed social media. What did I find? More photos of groups, happiness, love and joy, yet there I was sitting in an empty, incredibly lonely home. I will confess that night I found it unbearable and turned to alcohol, thinking a number of drinks would numb the pain. I quickly found out that it did not, and found myself spiraling downwards under the weight of my pain, anxiety and depression. To sum it I made myself even more miserable, and then had a hangover the next morning to boot. Not my best choice in hindsight.
Today I am grateful for that experience, for I know now that alcohol is not the cure to my misery and drunkenness for me, does not numb, but enhance. I am also very thankful for more tools in my kit and the courage and strength to use them. I am thankful for a therapist who has helped me cultivate them and friends that are there. I am appreciative of the journey and lessons learned. There are moments when we have to experience the pain to further our growth. Each experience leads to a learning opportunity when you are willing and able to access it. This does not indicate that in the midst of trauma, tragedy, or anxiety/depression you have to search for the lesson; in those moments it is my opinion that you walk through them, experience them, and pray that you have someone to walk with you.
This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the peace and love in my heart. Peace and love that I have cultivated and nurtured. I am thankful for the experiences that have taught me to do that and the people that have influenced my journey. There are select individuals that have been instrumental in this process.This Thanksgiving I am thankful for choosing the life less ordinary.
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