Love.
It's a simple word, but intricately complex. It finds us at unexpected times, wrapping us, carrying us and reminding us that we are necessary, vital, and worthy. We can spend ages seeking it, when it is there, in the simple hug from a child, a text from a friend, or even a smile across the room or zoom. We have our friends that we love, family that we love, partners that we love, children, and animals too. There is a love for the land, and a love for the community, all of which manifest in our lives in multitudes if we only recognize it as love.
I see the love of my virtual community in their comments, likes, sharing and engagement. I see the love of my friends and family with the texts and calls and visits. I see the love in my children when I get my goodnight hugs, asking to turn out their lights, and their desire to share their day with me. I see the love of my coworkers in the thank you's, acknowledgements of my efforts (and others) and the generosity of spirit they demonstrate in caring for their patients and families.
I love often through giving, whether it's cooking a meal or a treat, writing words of encouragement, or sending a package, that's how I often express my love. My children hear I love you daily, my friends, not nearly often enough. I choose to express it more through my actions than my words, in hopes that they will experience the love that way. I struggle with the verbal vulnerability of saying I love you to my friends. This year, while challenging in so many ways, I have had to face that vulnerability directly. It has presented it's own difficulties and I am thankful for the courage to face it.
Why is it so challenging? Divorce, loss of love, an entire upheaval of your life and beliefs changes your heart. With the ending of my marriage I retreated, holding my love close to me and my children. I was still generous with offerings, but certainly more cautious. If something that was supposed to be indestructible (my marriage) had failed, I reasoned that I was unloveable, unwanted and unneeded in society except for my children and parents, unworthy. While my divorce set me free in many ways, it also restricted my heart. I refused to allow people into my space for a significant fear of being hurt or found lacking. Through lots of work in therapy, and out, on the trauma of the divorce and other aspects of my life, I began to soften, allow a few people into my sacred space, yet I still remained apart, unable to trust someone with me.
There was discontent, a desire to belong, be a part of a community, yet the fear reigned. Fear trumped love. As I studied love in all of it's different forms I found myself being surrounded with it, enveloped, and discovered that even in the darkest moments of anxiety and depression there had been love, I had just been denying it. Recognizing love, accepting love meant being vulnerable, a place I was not comfortable, a place that triggered fear and anxiety. There is no security in vulnerability, only trust, faith, and hope. I had to choose: lead with love or lead with fear. I choose to lead with love, and that meant embracing my vulnerable self and sharing her. It was time to find someone with whom I could trust me. In opening myself I gained not only 1 person who I could trust, but an intimate group. For these individuals I am grateful. For these opportunities to be raw, vulnerable, and me I am thankful. For the growth in the past 10 months I am thankful. Yet, as I feel myself at the point of a significant change I feel the pull of leading with fear, and must find my courage to leap with love.
Today I am thankful for love, for vulnerability, for trust, for community.
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