30 Days of Thanks: November 12, 2020

Bear with me on this post for the beginning is not going to sound like gratitude. I have been writing more recently with a focus on my anxiety and the blessings that have come it, and while all of that is true, it is still a force in my life. Anxiety is the one thing that I would change in a heartbeat, sure I would like to be stronger, leaner, prettier, but truly I would heal the anxiety over anything else. For it tries to steal the very essence of who you are with seductive lies rooted in your deepest fears and insecurities. Yes, you can be thankful for the revelation of those fears and insecurities, but there are ample moments where you would prefer to be either blissfully unaware or not have them. The amount of energy it takes to release it, process it and at times battle it is staggering, and I am tired.

I am tired of battling with low-level anxiety. I am tired of waking up out of sorts and being in near tears during my morning workout because the anxiety is rearing it's head and I'm also hungry. I am tired of managing working from home and the office and kids schooling at home and school. I am tired of friends coming into my life only to disappear. I am tired of trying to find the balance of my paid job, my coaching job, and my trail coordinator position, something has to give and the reality of what I want to remove and what's feasible are not in alignment right now.

I am tired of being told to be patient, yet it is the lesson I still need to practice the most. I want to find the gratitude in this, yet tonight it is not present in this element. The gratitude comes in the form of grace, the grace to be my authentic tired self in this moment. I honor the fact that I am tired, that my wants and needs are not being met in the ways that I would prefer them. I honor the fact that it's ok not to be ok right in this moment, and am affording myself that grace. For that ability alone to accept those truths and honor those feelings I am grateful.

In these moments I do not want to find a silver lining or "pollyanna" the situation. Yes, there are lessons to be learned and there is a purpose behind every action, but consistently focusing on that part alone does not afford me the opportunity to experience the event in the moment. Grief, anxiety, sadness, frustration, and fatigue are very real and, to me, should be experienced so that I can move forward. I will embrace these temporary visitors and then send them on their way. I know that truly all will be well, because all IS well, this moment is not permanent. Gratitude is fed by grace.