30 Days of Thanks: November 10

"I found myself in a sea of busy places, in a world of blurry faces

I found myself, on the edge of insanity, I found, I found me
I was broken, torn apart
Scars line my arms, on my sleeve I wore my heart
They remind me of what is real
No longer needing pain to feel" ~ I Found Myself, Anna Clendening

I am thankful for scars and pains of my journey- they have put me where I am today.  Five years ago my marriage was falling apart, I was falling apart, my children were sick with stress, and life was challenging. I had a brave smile everyday as I worked, but the moment I stepped into my car the facade broke down, and I pieced it back together as I pulled into my driveway to be the mom I needed and wanted to be. Four and half years ago I found the courage to say enough, all of us in this house are miserable and this life we have planned is over. October 2017 I stepped into my role as a single parent, terrified, determined to prove to everyone and myself that I could do this hard thing.

I stumbled, I fell, I broke my foot, and yet I found the strength everyday to make the steps to living a life that would be filled with love, joy, and peace. I searched deep within me to find the scared girl and heal her, gain her trust, and use that to create a foundation for the woman I am in this moment. There were so many tears, so much anxiety, crippling me, bringing me to my knees, and wishing for a stabilizing force. Little did I know in those moments that I was the stabilizing force. I grew weary, wished for help, wished for that outside magical source to help me pick up the pieces; I could not understand that in rebuilding myself the way I did I created a bond and strength within me that is ever enduring, it is strong, flexible and exactly what I need for me. I found myself, I found me in those moments. 

A terrible, yet beautiful process creating internal scars that forged the woman here with you. If you have not listened to the song quoted above I challenge you to find a quiet moment and immerse yourself in the haunting piano and the soothing strength of her voice. Find yourself. 

Today I give thanks for the journey in which I found myself.