30 Days of Thanks: November 30

This past month has brought a lot of different things into my life, and even if I have not written daily here my gratitude and thankfulness I have worked into a mindset of being thankful each night before I fall asleep. Finding gratitude helps cultivate joy, which, on nights such as tonight, are important. Today I find myself thankful for the old friendships, the new friendships, family, and the community that I am creating. I am thankful for the small returns to normalcy including a Thanksgiving race and Thanksgiving dinner with extended family.

Mostly tonight I find myself thankful for a lesson I didn't want. A lesson in trust and expectations was taught, a simple reminder that my path is different than the rest. A lesson in trusting the process and accepting what is and will not be. It was a reminder that I had been praying for peaceful acceptance of the opposite of the expectation of tonight, thus I should not be surprised at the outcome, or lack thereof. I know I'm being extraordinarily vague in the lesson and situation, yet I am sure you all can relate to the experience of praying for one thing, expecting something different, and still finding yourself upset by the situation when it aligns more with the prayers than the expectation. A lesson that will carry well into the holiday season. Thank you for the gift.

30 Days of Thanks: November 24

Today I was part of history. Today I made history.

Today the American Perimeter Trail Conference launched our membership platform. We have moved from a project to a non-profit to a membership-based non-profit in under 2 years. It has been an incredible journey. So much more incredible because of the passion and drive and LOVE that Rue and I have poured into it. There has been so much love, so many tears, blood and sweat from him, and to be truthful there have been fights and incredibly rough moments that had us both wrecked beyond belief, but our passion has pulled at us. It has pulled us apart and drawn us back together to keep at this.

I'm thankful for the effort he has put in, the passion, drive and desire to keep this moving. I'm thankful for my own passion, dedication, and drive to keep this moving. I'm thankful for the community that we have built; for the love they have shown us, for the continual support, and for the family that we all have created out of this.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to present the American Perimeter Trail to the public. It's been a process of putting our hearts on display every day, putting our faith in strangers, and trusting that this what we are supposed to be doing. Today we made history in launching the membership; I made history in becoming a member. I am so proud of what we have done, what we will continue to do, and so thankful for the opportunity. I am thankful for the opportunity to show my children what it means to chase down dreams and turn them into something. To show them how achieving a dream is not a solitary journey, but that of a community. I give thanks for the APT, for the community, for the chance to be a part of history and make history.

30 Days of Thanks: November 23

Today I'm simply thankful for joy. I have been finding more joy in the moments of my days, and find myself smiling randomly for no reason other than just because. It's in these moments that I have come to realize that I am filled with joy and often peace. Today during my yoga practice I was working through a more challenging pose and out came a small smile, joy at the work, the dedication, and strength I have found in practicing yoga. 

We often speak of love, of grace, of peace, yet we speak so rarely of joy. Joy is not happiness; joy is more intricate and complex than happiness. Joy radiates in ways that happiness does not. When you have observed someone glowing and radiating I believe that they are exhibiting joy more often than happiness. While I cannot fully describe joy, I feel light and radiant from the inside out. To me joy is the light and happiness that are internal and then radiate outward. I am thankful that there is more joy in my life, more random smiles, and more light. I wish you all more joy in your lives.

30 Days of Thanks: November 21

Family

Family is my core, be that biological family or my custom created family, family is at the heart of who I am. This past weekend was spent in the heart of the family, home where my parents where born and raised and the roots of my family. Growing up moving every few years often left me a little lost, but I always knew that my parent's hometown in upstate New York would be there for me, for us. No matter where we moved we could always come back and be welcomed and loved. We returned this weekend to celebrate our matriarch, my mother. 

We hiked on a trail none of us had visited in the decades we had been visiting, we had our favorite foods from our favorite places, and laughed over wine and whiskey. Family bonding, and all that was missing was a game of Rummikub. A simple return to our roots, a grounding and strengthening of our family tree. A chance to introduce my children to some of their roots in a different fashion than usual. As we drove I pointed out exits and where they lead, told stories of visiting from when I was their ages, and we bonded over my own memories. The weekend a chance to ground their roots in my memories, my history, not simply their grandparent's history. While I have never lived in my parent's hometown for more than a scant 3 months it is also my hometown. It is my roots in ways that none of the other places I have lived have ever been. The stable place that I could reference as home, and one that I share with my family community.

Celebrating my mother this weekend with family was a gift. One that we all needed, all appreciated, and one that I am thankful for. I am thankful for the family that made this possible, and thankful for the family to which I belong. The love shown this weekend was much needed for me, and to this I am also thankful.

My mother (middle) and her siblings

My aunt (left) and her partner

My parents

30 Days of Thanks: November 18

Kindness.

A simple word that portrays so much, and sadly something that we can often find lacking in our surrounding society. How many times have you watched someone treat another person unkindly in the past year? How many times have you yourself treated someone unkindly? I confess I am as guilty as rest on both accounts, yet I strive to do better, to be better. To be a better, kinder, more gentle human, to others and to myself.

Today I am thankful the kindness that has been bestowed upon me not only today, but throughout this journey of life. While I am known to state (and compare) the differences in my life to others I have neglected to share that kindness has been present. From the good morning texts, to the thanks for reaching out messages and all of the other little things, I know that there has been kindness throughout my life. To each of you that have gifted it to me- thank you.

30 Days of Thanks: November 17

Self-awareness is an incredible asset and one I have developed through years of therapy and working at it. It's something for which I am thankful, as without it I could easily be lost in the chaos of emotions and hormones and life. After a lovely evening out with a friend I came home and in the middle of a some chores felt as if the world was crashing; I took a few deep breaths and examined the moment, the emotions, and found it was anxiety spiking because I was feeling lonely after the company. In those moments I had a choice: continue down the path of anxiety and loneliness or reflect on the people that I have in my life. I brought up memories of some of the people in my life and a smile came out. From there I could reach out to these people and connect. While I still would care for a hug, the virtual connection helps stabilize me and moment.

Being self-aware allows me to see some, not all, of my biases, my triggers, and identify, at times, the root of the anxiety. It does not always make it easier, but my logical side does prefer having that root cause. Self-awareness is powerful, it is beautiful, and it can be painful, yet it is also self-love. In all of these things I am thankful. 

30 Days of Thanks: November 16

Today it's the simple gift of technology for which I am thankful. Technology that allows us to connect to one another, host conferences, and share our stories with others, as I do here. While we can often fall into the trap of comparison with social media, and I know I do, I also know that social media has brought me many gifts. Technology in its entirety has also brought me many gifts, from simply being able to speak with someone who's not around the corner, to allowing me to learn from other therapists from across the country, technology has impacted each of our lives, and as often focus on the negatives that it can generate, today I celebrate all it has brought me.

It has brought me new friends, and allowed me to build and create my own community and family. One in which I know I am loved and accepted exactly for who I am. It has brought me the opportunity to share my story so that others may not travel alone in these difficult moments. It has brought me new jobs, and an entirely new profession. It has connected me to others similar to myself and given me the chance to connect with others so different from myself. In these moments I learn, I grow, and I have the ability to pass these along to my own children. The ripple effects of technology are so much deeper and more complex than we believe. With all the gifts that it has given me the one I cherish most is the connection. I spend time scrolling through facebook and instagram to see how my friends and family are doing, find peace and joy in nature when I am unable to observe it myself, imagine myself hiking into those beautiful places, and interacting with others. At night before I go to bed if I am lonely I can find my community in the palm of my hand; I can connect instantly with a few people and not feel so isolated. And, when the timing is good I get to meet these people in person, see their smiles, hear the laughter, and even receive a much needed embrace. Technology is a gift, and today I am thankful for the gift.

30 Days of Thanks: November 15

Today, as I am on every November 15th, I am thankful for my mother. The incredible woman that birthed me and raised me to be the woman I am today. She is sweet and kind, so much more even tempered than I am, though just as opinionated. She is selfless and simply amazing. 

Two days a week my mother arrives to my house to make sure B makes it on the bus or drives her to band practice so I can get to work on time. She comes over often during the week to tend to the garden, the weeds, the yard, and so many other things. She slips in with a tin of cookies, or a tray of eggplant parmigiana, often times without us knowing until we see the sign. Two mornings a week I find a stack of matched socks from our never empty sock basket, and laundry folded that has been sitting waiting. It's not the tasks themselves that matter, it's the love that they represent. My mom is a mom, watching her daughter trying to find time for herself and raise a small brood of kids, and in doing these little things she relieves me of some of the pressure. Simple, pure love.

Tonight we celebrated a milestone birthday for her and we ate, laughed, told stories and celebrated the incredible woman that she is. I wish there was more that we could have done than the food, cake, balloons and flowers, for this woman is worthy of so much more, yet I know she left with a heart full of love and support. 

Happy Birthday Mom!

30 Days of Thanks: November 14

 I was lucky enough to spend this weekend backpacking for the American Perimeter Trail on the Appalachian Trail in New Jersey and New York, but that's not what I'm thankful for this evening. I am thankful for the company I had this weekend, an otherwise stranger from Instagram who decided to come along on this crazy adventure. We had nearly 25 miles of ups, downs, insane weather, and some normal moments in there too.

Miniature is nothing more than a special individual. He demonstrated such patience with me as we navigated ascending vertical rock scrambles and some bouldering and my anxiety threatened to take over and send me into a panic. A hand, a pole, and encouragement were all offered, and grace was extended when I refused the assistance, acknowledging my need to complete the task independently. He pulled me to my feet after my countless slides and falls onto my rear, and mostly had the courtesy not to laugh until i was already laughing at myself. I've never fallen on a hike as much as I did on Saturday and his attitude and demeanor made it that much easier for me to fall and not be upset with myself. 

He braved some insane weather with me; we navigated countless summits and ridges while being pelted with hail and rain and rising winds as the thunder crashed and the lightening flashed. There was no where to go but forward, as the trail was above the treeline and no way to descend. As the hail receded and the rain continued he could have complained, could have blamed me, could have done countless things, but he hiked forward. When the rain lifted we enjoyed moments marveling at the views and how wet we were. Little did we know that the rain and wind would return, pushing us to move faster as we tried to stave off hypothermia. We laughed, teased, and in these moments propelled ourselves forward with joy rather than drudgery. Choosing to find the happiness and acceptance in the moment, knowing that we could be other places warm and dry, and instead we were navigating flooded trails and becoming increasingly wetter as the rain continued.

I am incredibly grateful for the man that showed up and kept showing up during our adventure this weekend. It was a challenge for both of us, and his attitude and support were what I needed in some personally challenging moments. We all should be so lucky to stumble upon an individual who's so gracious during some extremely challenging and dangerous circumstances. Of this I am certain I have a new friend in Miniature. I am thankful for the time and the man that is Miniature. While I'm not sure he'll let me plan another adventure without double/triple checking the maps and the weather, I'm hopeful he'll still make good on that salsa lesson. May you all find an adventure with a new friend that leaves you breathless, joyful, and thankful.

30 Days of Thanks: November 10

"I found myself in a sea of busy places, in a world of blurry faces

I found myself, on the edge of insanity, I found, I found me
I was broken, torn apart
Scars line my arms, on my sleeve I wore my heart
They remind me of what is real
No longer needing pain to feel" ~ I Found Myself, Anna Clendening

I am thankful for scars and pains of my journey- they have put me where I am today.  Five years ago my marriage was falling apart, I was falling apart, my children were sick with stress, and life was challenging. I had a brave smile everyday as I worked, but the moment I stepped into my car the facade broke down, and I pieced it back together as I pulled into my driveway to be the mom I needed and wanted to be. Four and half years ago I found the courage to say enough, all of us in this house are miserable and this life we have planned is over. October 2017 I stepped into my role as a single parent, terrified, determined to prove to everyone and myself that I could do this hard thing.

I stumbled, I fell, I broke my foot, and yet I found the strength everyday to make the steps to living a life that would be filled with love, joy, and peace. I searched deep within me to find the scared girl and heal her, gain her trust, and use that to create a foundation for the woman I am in this moment. There were so many tears, so much anxiety, crippling me, bringing me to my knees, and wishing for a stabilizing force. Little did I know in those moments that I was the stabilizing force. I grew weary, wished for help, wished for that outside magical source to help me pick up the pieces; I could not understand that in rebuilding myself the way I did I created a bond and strength within me that is ever enduring, it is strong, flexible and exactly what I need for me. I found myself, I found me in those moments. 

A terrible, yet beautiful process creating internal scars that forged the woman here with you. If you have not listened to the song quoted above I challenge you to find a quiet moment and immerse yourself in the haunting piano and the soothing strength of her voice. Find yourself. 

Today I give thanks for the journey in which I found myself.

30 Days of Thanks: November 9

Can we all be thankful for dark chocolate?

I know that some of you may be anti-dark chocolate but the satiny smoothy texture and flavor that saturates your taste buds and stays with you simply cannot compare to milk chocolate or white chocolate. While I enjoy all forms of chocolate there is something divine about dark chocolate. Today was another heavy lifting day holding space for a friend dealing with grief, and those 2 bites of dark chocolate that I had from a bar purchased out this evening were just enough to soothe not only my tongue, but a part of me as well. Tonight, those 2 bites of chocolate were a form of much needed self-care, not an indulgence. There is a balance between over-indulgence, a treat, self-medication, and self-care. There are times that I have fallen on each of these when it comes to chocolate, but tonight fell into self-care.

I am thankful for the growth and changes in my relationship with food and my body, and sweets. A mindset shift from treats, earning foods, bad vs good foods, and all of those traps that we fall prey to when we are trying to fit ourselves into a societal expectation of our bodies and ourselves. It has been a long journey and I know that there will be more learning, more acceptance, and more growth in this process as I come more into the full loving acceptance of this gift of my body. For tonight I honored it and myself with 2 indulgent, perfectly tempered squares of satin rich dark chocolate.

30 Days of Thanks: November 8

Happy Birthday Pete!

Today I'm thankful for my buddy Pete. Looking at us together you'd never guess that we're such good friends, nor would you fathom that it all came from mornings (and afternoons) at the bus stop. Two mornings a week I walked my kids to the bus and occasionally chatted with this man there, sometimes after school too. Our daughters became fast friends, and still are, and we slowly started connecting. It was Super Bowl parties, backyard fires, and then outings to the local museums and such with kids in tow. Man did we get some looks then!

Pete was there before my marriage fell apart, while it was falling apart he was always there to listen to me, let me cry for a bit, and he's still there. Rides to and from the airport, driving my kids a few places when absolutely necessary, the man is a great friend. Everyone should have a Pete in their life. Here we are over 5 years later and we're still close and out making laughs. 

I am so thankful for all the texts, the facebook posts, instagram shares, and everything else. He can usually make me laugh, and if not he knows he can show up with a drink or his award winning chili and it will cheer me up. For a worst case he knows the perfect bartender to mix us both up a drink. From the little things to the big things I'm thankful for all the Pete has brought into my life.

Happy birthday my friend!

30 Days of Thanks: November 7

Today I'm thankful the simplicity of the day. We had simple morning of muffins and spinach eggs (eggs scrambled with lots of spinach), church, religious education, and then a hike. Our day ended with a new movie and takeout. It was a much needed reprieve from the usual chaos of our lives, and often our weekends. There were no protests about the hike, and I kept it simple, a few miles at the local state park with rolling hills and the river, familiar trails to us. As our activities resume and the chaos increases I like these opportunities to have simple time together.

There was lots of laughter, lots of smiles, and a sense of joy and peace as we walked. They made up stories, discussed in-depth about Marvel vs DC battles, and climbed anything and everything in sight. We found our family unit without the pressure of everything else, and came home refreshed and ready to brave the next week. I had wanted to drive to a hike that's an hour away, but I also knew we needed the night to sit and watch a movie and relax, so I switched gears to the local state park and I am glad I did. I do have requests to go to this new place to hike, so we will see if we can incorporate it soon. I am thankful and grateful for kids that enjoy the outdoors, and find joy in stomping through the leaves, climbing trees, and jumping rocks across the river. Each time we are out renews us individually and as a family. Blessed be.

30 Days of Thanks: November 6th

It has been an intense week helping a dear friend navigate deep and painful grief, as well as anxiety. It has taken a lot of my own internal tools to keep myself grounded and I am incredibly thankful I have these. What I'm truly grateful for though is the American Perimeter Trail family that we have built. Tonight we had our monthly happy hour and it was much needed medicine for me. I didn't know I even needed that connection, but there it was.

Our members shared stories, supported me, supported us, and ended up telling us what the APT means to them. It was deeply touching. The APT means so much to me; it's this incredible project that I get to be a part of, that I get to facilitate and that I get to make history with. Often our happy hours are light and fun and silly, and we did have that tonight (no I wont share, as what happens at happy hour stays at happy hour), but we also had deep and meaningful connections. Our family grows and it builds and intertwines, connecting all of these people across the country, weaving a thread among us. It's beautiful and tonight these people touched my heart and solidified our family further. Thank you Rue for all that you do and will do for the APT, and thank you to the APT family for being the incredible humans that you are.

Peace, love, and pixie dust.

30 Days of Thanks: November 4

I don't often speak about my nanny, but today I'm thankful for her. I'm thankful for almost all of the nannies we have had. The majority of those that have been employed for my children have been wonderful. They changed diapers, potty trained, helped them ride bikes, did crafts, cooked for them, cooked with them, and took them on adventures big and small. Yes we've had a few horrific stories from a few of our nannies, the one that just quit one day and left my kids at preschool, the one that let B make a nutella and mayonnaise sandwich, and then the one that totaled my van, but really and truly these nannies have been a part of our family.

Today my nanny dealt with hormonal attitude from Miss B, driving D up to rock climbing, and making sure S made it to gymnastics on time. In the midst of that she made sure the cornbread was cooked by the children, the pork shredded, green beans cooked and S and D ate before their activities. Oh did I mention managing to make sure the homework is complete, chores done, and instruments practiced too? She's a wonderful person and a wonderful nanny. My kids enjoy her, and she spoils them with books and crafts. Without her my life would be a lot more difficult. Yes my kids are old enough to stay home alone after school, but I do need someone to drive them to activities and ensure chores are done. In addition she maintains the peace as much one can with 4 kids, and is an excellent role model for a hard working individual. We do fine when she's not here, but having her around makes a huge difference and I am so grateful to employ her.

Sometimes the thankfulness and gratitude is more esoteric, and days like today it is more concrete. If you have a caregiver in your life for your children or parents or partner or loved one, make sure you take some time to thank them for all that they do.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 3

"Why do you do this every year?"

I take the time every year to write these gratitudes to reflect set my mindset for the upcoming season, and to find the time daily to be appreciative more than I might typically. I enjoy the moments sat in "forced" writing and reflection. It slows me down from an otherwise busy day and helps me find the gratitude, and often the joy, even on days when it might be challenging. Writing these is something I do for me, and to share my story, my life, my lessons, and in doing so hopefully help one of you reading this not feel so alone, or different, to normalize the craziness and chaos of life.

Even on those difficult days when the world is crashing and you are questioning your life decisions that lead you to the mess that is smothering you there is something in there to be thankful or grateful for; whether it be a lesson learned or a connection made or a simple smile shared across the room you can find a moment in which you can find thanksgiving. On this day I am simply thankful for this opportunity to share a bit of why I write these each year and to have the moment to wish you all peace, joy, happiness, and a little bit of magic.

30 Days of Thanks: November 2

Yesterday I wrote of friendship, the gift it is, the changes it brings, and how it weaves into our lives. Today, I am still thankful for friendship, but especially for the deep, intimate friendships, for the friends that trust you and love enough to let you walk with them during those painful times. I'm thankful for these relationships where someone loves me and trusts me enough to share these moments with me. It's often not about having the right answer, or answer for them, but holding space and time for them; carrying their burden for a moment to allow them to breathe. When you can offload your burden for a moment, catch your breath and reset, that burden is suddenly lighter, maybe more manageable. 

It is a gift and a blessing to have forged these relationships and I am thankful for them. Thankful the friend who called tonight in need and allowed me to be there with them, to walk with them through fear and remind them that all is not as it seems. It's not dismissing their pain, their experiences, but offering perspective- when needed or wanted. Often it's as simple as saying "yeah it does suck" because there are many times when we need to hear that it's ok to not be ok. We live in a world that values perfection and happiness, without recognizing that messiness and sadness are parts of life, part of the human experience, and require just as much recognition. I am honored that I was chosen to walk with them, and I pray that our call helped facilitate some healing, or at least a brief moment of peace.

I'm thankful for the depth of our friendship and the moments we shared today, for despite this friend needing support they were able to offer me some healing and love. Tonight the words and support were kind reciprocally and we have both worked at this to have moments like this without anger or jealousy or fear reigning. Each of these emotions may have appeared tonight, yet they did not dominate. I am thankful for this friendship and for the growth within it.

Flowers just because

30 Days of Thanks: November 1

 It's my annual tradition to blog my days of thanks this month. Simply a moment to really reflect and document what is important to me on that day at that moment. Today is a simple thing: friendship. I am so thankful and grateful for friendship. For the seasonal friendships where people come into your life and then leave, and though I mourn the loss I am grateful for the time; for the long-term friendships, the people that have followed me from state to state to state.....; for the new friendships. Each relationship is unique, some are certainly more dynamic than others, and yet each one holds a place in my heart. These people have been there for me, then not been there for me, and for the most part love me for who I am. This crazy, messy woman who's out making dreams into goals, wrangling 4 kids, and living a life less ordinary.

I am thankful for the friendships that my children develop. Tonight as my eldest attended her first homecoming dance with her best friend for the past 6 years it was a fun time to watch them get ready together. Though they don't spend a lot of time together they were all smiles and you would never know that due to schedules they rarely see each other. My youngest son has developed some incredible friendships this year and is out almost everyday at house hanging out; again it's something special to watch. Even this morning when the youngest and her bestie missed the bus I am thankful they had each other. Each of these friendships shapes them, nurtures them, and feeds them in ways that I cannot. In turn it also feeds me. There is such synergy and beauty in these gifts of friendship.

S off to her homecoming dance

Saturday Busy

 A few more minutes sleep and being in bed was all I wanted this morning, then I glanced at the clock and found myself nearly out of time to cook a meal and drive the oldest to go cheer at a local 5k. The clock was pushing at me, relentless in its movement forward, dwindling the time available. Muffins were baked, eggs were cooked and we were out the door, her with the muffin in hand, and me to return to finish cooking my own breakfast and to sit and enjoy, even if briefly, that cup of hot coffee. On that drive to drop her off I mused at the weather, sunny skies with clouds, a breeze, and cool, with a hint of warmth coming- perfect hiking weather I found myself thinking. Yet I knew that a hike was not in the plan for today.

Today was filled with the jumble of kid activities, the constant movement from one to another. Cheerleading at the 5k, gymnastics for 1, cheerleading practice for 2, which morphed into for 3, my other child enjoying the fall day with friends at a carnival, and me in and out of the car, squeezing in a run for my health and sanity. In the midst of all of this we completed a final harvest of the garden, pulled up the plants, and began changing out the summer clothes for winter clothes. It was a full day here in this single parent household, and while I'm thankful and grateful to have active children it would be nice to take a day to enjoy a fall activity. I had so hoped to take them to a corn maze and pick pumpkins, and while the possibility exists for it to occur tomorrow, it does mean jamming it in between activities.

Sunday will not be a day of rest for us. One child has to serve at church at the early service, and my oldest has yet another cheerleading event in the morning, followed by one in the afternoon. It is in moments like these that I miss the quietness of quarantine. We had more opportunities to hike, take our time, relax, and reset. While my kids are easy going, go with the flow, kids, it can be a strain on me to shuttle them around. There is not that moment to rest, reset, and find that connection into ourselves when the clock is demanding that you manage your time. While a 34 min run allowed me to reconnect, it was squeezed in between so many other things that the recovery and lasting effects were short lived.

This post is not a complaint- all parents with kids in activities go through very similar issues, both in single parent and dual parent households; this post is sharing a moment in the life of a single parent of 4. A mom simply wishing to take her kids out to do a fun family activity without being aware of the clock. This post is a tired mom wishing for time to breathe for herself, juggling the desire to spend quality time with her kids and the want to be alone. This post is a mom finding space for both of those and living in the moment. This is her doing her best to balance her own needs and those of her children. For tonight I am thankful for their health, their joy and commitment to their activities, and my ability to manage it all.

Outside the Circle

The tears threaten to fall, so I blink and smile as I walk to the car, head held high, no one the wiser that there is a part of me breaking. A part of me wondering why, wondering what is wrong, wondering why it's happening again, and wondering if it will ever end. A simple meeting turned into a stark reminder of my place, outside the circle, yet again. 

Seven years ago we moved here, seven years of searching for connection, to build that local community, to build and find that tribe, and here I am, still on a quest. The first few years spent on the cusp of the circle, dancing at the edges, always taking steps to find where a married, working mom of 4 fit into this new community. I was still learning how to be a working mother after a long practice of being a graduate student mother, and the transition was not smooth, yet I was hopeful that in this community I would find my place, my footing. It seemed that I was making a place for this family of mine, and then it changed when my status went from married to single. In a community that is designed for 2 parent households, I found myself thoroughly on the outside. 

Four years ago standing on the outside of the circles I had finally managed to find a small acceptance I found the lines redrawn and the steps to make my way forward towards and into the community in which my children thrived were monumental to me. In a time when I needed my community to support me as I established my role as a single parent I was abandoned by most here. Over these past 4 years I have found my footing and worked diligently to create and live a less life ordinary. The drawback to a non-traditional lifestyle is living life on the outskirts within your own community.

This means driving through your neighborhood and seeing a neighbor having a party and knowing you weren't invited, hoping your children don't notice. But of course they notice, and then they ask: "why weren't we invited, I thought we were friends" and you find yourself saying that you don't know and maybe it's not a neighborhood party and pray to anyone who's listening to support your statement. Then of course your child spots a neighbor walking to the party and your statement is no longer valid. Now your child is wondering aloud at this point why we're never really invited to parties, echoing the inner thoughts in your head. You find a way to console them, remind them of the adventure/activity we are on way to, and pray that it's forgotten in time from their mind, knowing that the moment will be etched within your own. You remind them of all of the parties they have attended and the fun we've created at our own small parties, praying that it's enough. Praying that your children are at least welcome places if your family as a whole is not, all the while building a damn to prevent a flood of tears.

A life less ordinary is not for the faint of heart, especially with children in tow. It's working through each of those situations above, praying that you are making the best decisions for yourself and your children, while honoring the needs of all parties. As a single parent it's questioning every decision more than when you were in a 2 parent household, analyzing each choice and decision. It's finding the consequences of your choices in simple actions such as attending a parent meeting and no one will engage in conversation with you because these critical relationships were developed when your life was upended. On nights such as these when you make solid attempts at engaging in simple conversation with other parents only to be rejected or ignored you begin questioning what is wrong with you, why you are always on the edges, why after 7 years you still are tribeless in a community that thrives on connection. There are moments when it's too much to bear and the tears threaten to pour down because you're tired; you're tired of the inner reminders you tell yourself that you are enough, that you are worth it, and that these other people are missing out. It's wishing for a welcoming face at an event, a person to share the moments with; wishing that for that brief period you are welcome into the circle. It's finding the last of your inner strength and courage to be the parent you want to be and the person you want to be. It would be easier for a short period to don a fake smile, fake attitude and play the games to be accepted into these circles and community. Yet I would not be honoring the person I am continuing to become, so I accept the tears and find a quiet moment to release them, and pray for a tribe for my family.