2018 Wrap Up

Now that 2018 is coming to a close I have taken some time to reflect on the journey of this year. This has been a roller coaster of a year. I started this year hobbling in on one foot with a boot on the other, and I'm now finishing the year on my own two feet stronger, healthier and happier than where I started. New Year's Day last year was my first day of physical therapy and today I finished a 30 minute plyometric, interval workout. I ran 2 races this year and logged a lot of odd runs. I gained the best running buddy on the planet.

I changed jobs. I worked for 5 years as a pediatric PT at our amazing children's hospital, but when the opportunity to take a position that would allow me to have more flexibility came about, I went for it. This job has been life changing. The biggest thing that I learned from that boot, was that I needed to have more flexibility in my schedule and a full-time patient care based position just does not feasibly allow for that. I miss my patients and families and I miss the magic that comes with being a therapist, but I know that in 2019 I will regain some of my patient care time. But, I have been blessed to have this new position that allows me to work from home when life happens. And it challenges me in new ways that my other position was not doing. Cheers to unexpected life changes.

I took a tremendous amount of time caring for myself this year. My therapist challenged and pushed me to work through some difficult memories and painful emotions. She could have let me just come to therapy and vent about the incessant chaos and turmoil that has been 2018, but she pushed me and I grew. I learned how to manage my anxiety and not to use it as a crutch. I know some of my triggers and have learned how to be in tune with myself so I can identify what is truly an emotion and what is anxiety manifesting as an emotion. This was a life changing moment, so now I know when that random afternoon sadness hits like a truck it's my anxiety and hunger- I'm not really sad.

I learned to value myself and my time more than ever. In doing this I have become a better mother. This past month especially I have been able to focus on my kids and enjoying the magic of the Christmas season, despite the chaos. Even on our most chaotic weekend we had magic. I'm not saying we didn't have rough patches, but in my own growth I am becoming the mother that I want to be, and the one that my children deserve.

I have learned how to ask for help and accept it without feeling guilty (most of the time...) I have learned how to share my stories and listen better to other people's stories. While I feel at times that my circle has shrunk, I know that the people within my circle support and love me. With that knowledge I am being more discriminating about my circle. If you aren't going to love me and support me, then I don't need you in my life. With that I have made some great new friends; ones that make me laugh, that call me on my BS and support me in my chaos.

2018 was a year of painful growth and development, but it had a multitude of high moments. I have cried and screamed, felt like giving up, torn my hair and despite it all I am still standing. Not only am I standing, but I am taller and a more authentic me than I have been in a long time. I will go into 2019 continuing to be genuinely me.

Thanks to my women in 2018

Here's the sister post to the previous. Not only were there a large number of men that needed to be thanked, but there have been some pretty amazing women in my life in 2018.

First- my mom. She is amazing. She watches my kiddos, fixes dinner, cleans and just does amazing "mom" stuff. But she listens to me and loves me, despite me being me at times. Thank you for the love, support and life lessons.

Then there's B. This gal has been there every step of the way on this crazy journey of 2018 (and before that too). She listens to me when I need to vent and offers advice and honesty when I need it. I can count on her in tricky situations. And she's always in for pizza, beer or a run. Thanks B.

I have to thank my therapist, K. This woman is amazing and excellent at her job. She listens to me well and has helped me process some heavy stuff. She's also not afraid to call me on my BS and give me crazy homework. Without her I'm not sure where I would be. So thanks to my great therapist K.

To my gal G- Thank you for listening to me about everything. It helps to have another female to talk to who's been through similar stuff. Peace and love to you.

To K- I never would have thought we would have bonded over something like divorce, but here we are. Thanks for the advice, love, support and suggestions along the way. And for being my date at some functions. What am I going to do in June without you?

To the lady H- Thanks for listening to me this past year and sharing your journey with me. It's been great to hear stories from the "other side" of this crazy thing called divorce. Your joy and happiness in your life is an inspiration to me in dark moments.

To J- I am so happy that we have continued to keep in touch and reconnect. Thank you for the advice over the past 6 months and listening to me about everything under the sun and moon and stars. 2019 will bring us light and peace.

To M and C- Thank you for the connection and encouragement. I like our little group and am hopeful we can manage an outing in 2019.

To my neighbors K and L- You ladies welcome my kids with open arms and hearts. My kids love to play at both your houses and I am blessed to have you both as neighbors.

To my coworkers R and N- Thanks to you two special ladies for listening to me and for the laughter you bring to me and your patients. You are both incredible therapists and your patients and families are blessed to have you.

To my officemate K- Thank you for tolerating my 8 million webexes that I have weekly and laughing at my funny stories. The office is too quiet when you're not there, and I miss you smiles and stories. Thank you for being you.

A thanks to the men of 2018

2018 has been a year of so many different people making impacts, small and large, on my life. I wanted to take a moment to thank them as best I can. As there have been so many I found while writing that it ended up being easier dividing them by gender. So thank you to these men of 2018.

First I want to thank my ex, my kid's dad. Crazy right?! But he has made it generally smooth sailing when it comes to co-parenting. We both love our kiddos enough to put aside our differences and do what's best for them.

Then there's my dad. He has done SO MUCH around my house. From building a second story in the treehouse, to mowing the lawn and painting and electrical; I could go on. I cannot express how grateful I am for all that you have done for me and the kids.

To my business trip friend- Thank you for restoring my faith in the random stranger connection; to teaching me to be vulnerable and how to find myself again. From a simple conversation 6 months ago you became a pivotal part of my healing process, and while I know you don't like to take credit for it, you helped immensely.

To my neighbor on the corner- Thanks for shoveling me out all winter, helping me rake and all the other little things that you do. This single mama appreciates every little piece of time that you give me. And thanks for the silly nights out; it's always nice to get out and swap some horror stories. It's so nice to have a neighbor like you that I know I can always call in a pinch.

To my next-door neighbor- Thanks for letting my kids play at your house, working on their basketball techniques and driving my youngest son around. I am blessed to have a neighbor like you and your family.

To my running buddy- There are not enough words to thank you for these past few months of support, in and out of our runs. 2019 is destined to be a good year for our running and our families.

To my friend B in PA- Thank you for the introduction to an author I would not have picked on my own and our quiet little friendship. Peace and love to you.

To my friend B in TX- Thank you for this crazy reconnection. What a crazy past few months it has been, but I am blessed to call you a friend. I am thankful for every text and song and advice that you send my way. I know you have my back and you know I have yours. I am looking forward to our coming adventure in 2019.

To my friend A in PA- If you're reading this I'm sure you're shocked to see yourself here. But in the short time we've known each other I consider myself blessed to know you. Thanks for the laughter and for helping me rediscover some hidden parts of me. I can only hope that 2019 brings us as much entertainment and growth.

To C- Thank you for the coffee, smiles, laughter and great stories. I am looking forward to more story-telling in 2019 and creating a few of our own.

Holidays

Let's just be clear for a moment. Holidays are a challenging time for everyone, but it's 10x, or maybe 1000x more difficult when you've switched from a big happy family to a split family. You can tell yourself all sorts of things, but every holiday presents challenges. Every previous memory is of a complete family and suddenly you find yourself alone with your kids, or just alone. Even if you're surrounded by family and friends, you're still alone or different than you were.

It doesn't matter if you're with family or friends during this time. There's still this feeling of "otherness" or being an "outsider" even within your own family/friends. You went from a duo to a single with or without kids. And even if it's not the first year, it still hurts. Social media shows us your happy families, and even if you're only showing the happy side of it, it can still sting. Add onto that the joy of the "memories" feature- yeah, it can make an already stressful time something crazy. Because lets face it, some of those memories are fairly bittersweet.

My advice to you on the outside? Have more patience with us that you usually would. There are many of us struggling more than you could imagine. We put on brave faces and fake it so well you can't tell that every moment is destroying us. Watching you interact with your spouse happily and seeing the intimacy serves as a constant reminder of what we had and currently don't have. So don't mind if we don't want to be the 3rd or 5th wheel on your family adventures. It's not a personal attack against you, but a way to protect ourselves. There is only so much one can take before you hit a breaking point. I'd say that after talking to many a single parent household none of us want to be remembered as the guest that lost control because we were surrounded by happily married families. So what does that mean? We hold our stuff together in front of you and have inner breakdowns or stuff those feelings into a box to be opened at a later date. It also means that we may not accept what feels like a pity invite to things. We don't want to be pitied, we want to be openly and honestly included, not an afterthought. If you really wanted me there, you would have reached out; asking me me last minute feels like a slap in the face.

Holidays are tough. They're just more difficult if you're still adjusting to your new normal. Please be patient and don't take it personally. We know you mean well, but sometimes our emotions are all over the place. Peace and love to you and your families. And know that we wish you the best, even if it costs us what feels like everything to be there with you. I love you all.

A Running Journey

As you may know I am a runner. I found running after my youngest, B, was born and I was out of shape, broke and looking to find a cheap and easy way to get myself back into shape. I had a closet full of clothes that didn't fit and no money to buy new ones. Heck, most of those days I was juggling trying to feed our family of 6 on our WIC checks alone plus less than $50 per month out of pocket. So, a fancy gym membership was out of the question. We did attend the Y, but trying to coordinate taking a class and childcare schedules was a challenge, but I could always find a free treadmill or run outside on the loop.

As I ran I grew more confident and faster, as well as leaner. It was a painfully slow journey, but I won't forget when I ran a 5k without stopping, or when I decided to see if I could 4 miles, and then 5, or that time I tried 8 for the "fun of it". It was about pushing and challenging myself, since no one thought I could be a runner. I was never a runner before that. I had a tried a few times, but just couldn't make it stick. In fact, it astounded a number of my friends and family at the time that I would be running. At almost a year of running I was convinced to register for my first race, the Philly Rock-n-Roll half marathon. I did it because someone told me I couldn't. And as many of you know, that's one of the best ways to get me to do something. I will do it just to prove it to you that I can.

Me after the RNR Half Marathon 2013, my first race ever

Running quickly became a huge part of my life, especially as I tackled training for that first half. And after that first half I was hooked on racing. The truth is that I was running for multiple reasons. What had first set out to be a goal of health and strength, was turning into a near obsession to get to that perfect weight and body. I trained for that half marathon eating 1500 calories a day or less. I got my weight down, but I did put it back on and I never hit that "goal" weight either.

As I ran and pushed myself more running became an escape. I could go on a long run on a weekend afternoon since I had a race coming up and get away from the chaos of my household. It was my excuse, my escape under the guise of training and my health. I switched from the half to the full marathon, adding another layer of complexity to my runs. I was showing the world that I could get up at 5am on a Saturday, run 15-20 miles and still be an awesome and involved mom and wife. I was battling friends, family and the outsiders who think you're insane for wanting to pay to run 26.2 miles. I was also running to chase times and show the world that I could do challenging things well while juggling a career, kids and a husband. As much as I was running for "me" I was running to prove that I could do it, which isn't the same thing.  At the time I thought that it was, but it wasn't until my last 2 races over the past 3 weeks that I saw the difference.

Near the finish of the Philly marathon 2014

After the Marine Corps Marathon 2016

Two weeks ago I returned to racing after an 18 month hiatus. I had wanted to race over that time frame, but due to multiple complications I had to refrain. The 10k that I ran was the shortest race I have ever run. It physically hurt with shin splints, but I did it. When I finished I was filled with a joy that I hadn't ever experienced. It wasn't just the runner's high, it was something different. It took me a while to realize I had a done a race that was mostly for me. I wasn't out to prove something to anyone; I was out running to be with a friend and just have fun.

My running buddy and I after our 10k

Today, I had my next big challenge, my first half marathon in over 18 months. I was bogged down with shin splints for 4 miles, a good race for the next 5 miles, and then I was hit with stomach issues and waves of uncontrollable emotions. I was running and walking with tears pouring down my face. I was trying to shut it down to finish, and I did at times, but they kept rearing their head.

It hit me that this race was for me, and me alone. Sure, I had dragged my running buddy along and convinced him to run, but this finish belonged to me and me alone. I wasn't running to prove a point; I wasn't running to honor someone; I wasn't running as an escape; I wasn't using running as an excuse; I was running because I could.

This race required the most mental energy I have ever used. My running buddy was there all of the way encouraging me, giving me much needed physical and emotional support, but it was up to me to decide. Was I going to give in and cry in to a ball on the side of the road like I wanted, or would I shove it down and push through, even if it was a few more steps before I lost it again? The last 1.1 miles were challenging. I knew I was so close, but trying to hold it together was getting the best of me. I just kept reminding myself that I could break down at the finish. Funny enough, I didn't. I don't know if I was too tired or what exactly happened but I was done with the roller coaster emotional ride. Maybe I left it all on the course, because I know when I was digging deep that last mile I kept feeling like I was coming up empty.

Here I am after the race with my running buddy who helped me every step of the way, and the gal that convinced us both to sign up for this race. We are an odd mix of runners and ages and stages of life, but it just works. That's the joy of the running community that I am so proud to have joined.

Philly Half Marathon 2018

I could write a race recap like I have done before, but this lesson was worth more than a recap.

It was the learning and understanding of running and doing for me alone. 

It's About the Kids

Before I start this post I want to make it clear that this is NOT about my ex, so please don't think that this was inspired by any of his actions.

As I share my journey of my divorce and learning to single parent and co/split parent I find myself connecting with more and more parents who are learning how to parent in multiple households. I will say that for the most part many of us are doing the best we can and managing to put aside our differences and do what's best for the kids. It's called being an adult. I can't tell you the number of times I have sat through sporting events and banquets for my kids in the past year with my ex. Was it the most enjoyable of times? No. Did I do it for my kids? Yes. Did I sometimes go home and cry and be miserable? Yes. Did I let my kids know how much it upset me? No. I was an adult about it. In fact my ex and I managed this past year to astound a few people in our gymnastics community that we were divorcing since we attended so many meets together and sat together.

But, it astounds me the number of parents who cannot be adults in these situations. I hear stories of mothers and fathers acting out like a 3 year old having a tantrum. They refuse simple things like a shift in a schedule to accommodate a reasonable request. In the stories that I hear from other parents many of these shifts would allow the other parent more time with your children. I can't fathom not wanting more time with my kids. I have a large portion of time with my kids and it never feels like enough, so if I run into a situation where I get offered more time I typically jump on it. It's a very rare occasion that I would be refusing this bonus time. And really? What are your children going to think when/if they find out? You're choosing something else over them, and that's going to hurt. The reality is that you're not punishing your ex by refusing to be helpful; you're hurting your children.

Their world has already changed enough with the splitting of their household, so the least that you can do is try to make sure that your children know how much you love and value them. They learn and understand through your actions and inactions. Step up and act like an adult and a parent. A parent's role is to be present for their children, and not just when it's convenient for you.

I am certainly not advocating for you to not pursue your own happiness, dreams and desires. And I am not saying that you don't deserve to be happy. What I am asking is that you consider the impact each of your actions has on your children, from major life changes to little things like birthday parties and homework. I am asking you to consider the physical and mental health of your children in your actions and remember that your children are not tools to be used against your ex.

Can you adjust my cape?

Can you adjust my cape? I think it's gotten tangled; maybe you could just help me get this thing off. Sometimes even superheroes get tired of wearing capes.

Yes, yes we do. I've been compared a lot in my motherhood to a superhero. And yes, there are days and moments that Moms have special hero powers, but most of us are average humans, just doing our best to raise non-entitled, well functioning humans who will be productive members of society.

But here's the reality- even superheroes get tired of their capes. It's a lot of expectation to live up to, and in fact it can be crushing. I think it may be even more so for single parents. We get placed on this unintentional pedestal by well meaning people. "Oh I don't know how you do it!" "I could never be a single parent" "You are so strong" While your well meaning words may be be meant to uplift us, they can create undue burden. We're doing what we have to do to raise our children, just like you do. We're just doing it solo or split.

Parenthood is and can be crushing, regardless if you're a mom, dad, married, divorced, separated, single or have a partner. There are moments of great joy, tempered with lots of exhausting repetitive moments. I won't say I don't love being a mother, because I do. I cherish my kids and my role in their life. But I'm exhausted.

Between managing their schedules, extra shifts at my primary job, working more at my second job and picking up shifts with my third (yes you read that right) this PhD mama is beat. Oh, and did I mention I've got a half marathon right before Thanksgiving. So this mama is tired.

I don't want a cape or gold stars or applause for doing what's best for my kids. I want your help. I want you to help me get my kids to their activities. I want you to bring me a casserole so it's one less meal I need to stress about to feed these silly monsters. But if I'm honest, what I really want is a partner to share the burden and the highs and the lows. I'm tired of wearing my cape. I'd like to pass it off to someone else. Reality is that's not happening, so I just need you to adjust my cape so it flutters nicely. 

Running Friendship

Today an interesting thing happened. I went on a long run (12 miles) with an amazing friend of mine. This gentleman has been a support system for me the past 5 months especially, but we've been friends for about 5 years. He listens to my venting, whining and crying. He calls or texts to check up on me periodically. He's just a stand up guy. And before anyone gets any ideas, let me be clear that his amazing man is happily married and old enough to be my father. In addition to that he goes running with me. We can run and talk and laugh, or we can run in comfortable silence. He's an ideal running partner for me and we work well together on our runs.

But back to my run..... we hit 11.5 miles and I was struck with something. It wasn't truly physical, but suddenly my world was crashing. I couldn't breathe; I was near to a full on breakdown; I was a mess.

One step, two steps, suddenly can't run
Hands around my mouth trying to breathe, chest heaving, trying to find my center, feeling like the center will not hold. my world is crashing
A simple touch and my world stabilizes momentarily, but I'm still lost.
A few more steps, another touch and I can almost breathe
Walking, breathing, comforting words and the world comes into focus

I can't say what triggered it or exactly what happened, but without him there I would have been a puddle on the ground. Those few simple human touches and comforting words stabilized my spinning, chaotic world. I've had emotional break downs on runs before. One run in June I got a mile in and then cried for the remaining 3 miles of my 4 mile run. Full on tears pouring down my face. The world was too much at the time and the run set it free. During marathon training I've hit a wall and started crying for no reason after 16 miles or 18 miles. Let me tell you there's nothing weirder than running around your neighborhood with tears pouring down your face while you chug along at your snail pace after running for hours at that point.

But this time was different. I've never had the intense physical reaction that I had. I do know that moments before it happened I was certainly feeling off, but it was like being hit with a train. Out of nowhere I couldn't function. I wanted to curl up in a ball forever, and yet I couldn't shed a single tear. My friend was calm and collected and a safe space for me. The physical touch was the first thing that helped me stabilize. Those of us neurotypical individuals are hardwired to respond to touch, and I'm low these days on positive touches that aren't from my kids. Then his words and calmness and the understanding that we could just stop. No judgement, no anger, nothing but calm and concern.

I can't express what it meant to me in the moment, and what it means to me now that I had him there. I don't honestly know what would have happened had I been alone. I'm sure I would have walked the remainder back to my car, but I would have been a full blown anxiety mess. As it was when I got home and heard a song on the radio the tears finally freed themselves. Today I wasn't gifted with a runner's high from that run, but I was blessed with the friendship of this man.

It's not always loneliness

Today I had the privilege of bringing my kiddos to a fun fall festival at a quaint town not too far from us. This isn't something necessarily out of the ordinary for us. They're used to adventures with me and in the summer it's known as #mondayswithmom. We had on coordinating shirts and had a great time doing crafts, taking a little hayride and walking the streets.

I can say that previously I have done these things and had jealousy issues and left them feeling crushed and lonely. It would hurt to see these "intact" families and know that it's just me and my crew. You wonder if it's bothering them too, especially when they don't say anything. It's a hope and pray that they're doing ok and just keep on trucking because there is nothing else you can do.

Today was different. It was the first time I've been to one of these events and not had massive feelings of jealousy or loneliness. I was content; I was happy; my kids were happy. This isn't to say there weren't moments of other feelings. There was a time waiting in line listening to two moms chatter behind me about not being able to take their two kids to this event because it would have been "too much" without another adult. I get it. I've been there, but I would have been stuck home my entire mom-life if it was "too much." I was the mom wearing a baby on my back and one on my front at times, or wearing one and pushing 3 in a double stroller. I'm not being judgmental about these moms, but I wanted to turn around and say I'm here with 4, alone! You can do it! It might be scary, but it can be done!

Despite these moms and being surrounded by intact families there were a few moments of just wishing that I had someone to share the experience with besides my kids. It really wasn't loneliness, just a desire for companionship. I'm at the point in my healing process to start to recognize the differences between the two. It's a good distinction. I can say that a few months ago I didn't think it would ever be possible. Thankfully, with a push from a friend or 2, my therapist and a lot of my own grit and determination I've grown a lot over the past 4 months.

It's not to say I don't get lonely. I certainly do, but it was nice to understand and be aware of the difference today. Especially after an event that would often trigger something. To me it's all part of the healing and growth process. I'll keep saying it until it sinks in- divorce is a grieving process. Those of you on the outside will never fully understand it unless you have lived it. Though we are grieving, we should also be growing. I like to think that at this point I am doing more growing than grieving. I think that today was a good reflection of that.

It's a good thing to be able to see that my family is whole and happy and "intact" in my eyes. I may not match what you think of when you think of a "intact family," but it's my views that matter more. My kids and I are happy, and I can't ask for more most days. I may have a wish and desire for companionship and a partnership in the future, but for now I am content to be me.

Looking in the mirror

If I'm going to be a more real version of myself as I discussed the other day then I need to confront the mirror. I have to be honest, but not harsh and figure out who I am. I was lucky enough to be reminded by an old friend that at my core I am good person, a good friend and a good listener.

This is one of the most challenging tasks that I have set upon myself.

I look at myself and see a short, curvy Italian girl with a mess of curls and hazel eyes. Catch me on a good day and you'll find the gold in my eyes. I'm one who has had to train herself not to talk so much with her hands and gesture less.

I am one who has intense emotions, and I struggle to realize that not everyone feels things as deeply as I do. I will love you fiercely and strongly. I will fight for you before I fight for myself. And it's not because I'm not important, but because I want you to succeed. I will empathize with your situations and feel your pain with you.

I am moved by words and songs. Music can bring me to tears, and so can words. Happy tears and sad tears are a part of my life. It doesn't mean that I am crier, but it goes back to my intense emotions.

I am one determined woman. Tell me I can't, and I'll do my best to prove you wrong. What I may lack I will put forth in my drive to succeed and excel. You will NOT hold me back. This part of me is challenging to write about as it was such a core part of me that went into hiding for a few years. I have spent the summer bringing it back out and I am sure that the reemergence of this has helped ground me.

I am one who looks for the best in everyone. I don't always look for the best in every situation, but I try. I'm not a Pollyanna, but I've been making a conscious effort to not be the downer that I was over the past few years.

I am a caretaker. I enjoy taking care of people, but I do it with such intensity that it can burn me out. And because of my intensity I expect others to be able to care for me with similar intensity in return. I don't want to "fix" you, but help you mend yourself.

I am a mother. I have 4 amazing children who are my world.

I am a runner.

I am a pediatric physical therapist and certified Epic Clinical Builder.

I am a Doctor of Philosophy with a specialty in Rehabilitation Sciences.

I am a survivor.

"Love belongs with belonging" ~Brené Brown

First off, the title of this post is a direct quote from Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection. I have started this book at least twice before and never made it past the first chapter or 2. It brought me to tears and made me so raw and uncomfortable that I put it down, vowing I would get back to it. After this summer of growth and a desire to keep growing it has been on my list to start again. A few weeks ago I picked it up and read the first 2 chapters. Did it hurt? Yes. Was I able to process her writing? Yes, which was a first for me.

This morning I picked up the book again and vowed to make it through another chapter. This chapter is about Love and Belonging. I won't delve into it, you need to get the book. But throughout the chapter she stresses that love and belonging belong together, and that belonging is different than fitting in. I had an epiphany, realizing that I have spent a large portion of my adult life working on fitting in, but not belonging. I can "fit" into many situations, I attribute this to the very different life experiences I had growing up. I can chameleon myself into a specific version of me. And truth be told it's uncomfortable at times. Always hiding, changing, evolving into this other version of me. I will never forget in grad school being told by my advisor to tone down my "yankeeness" and rely more on my "Texas roots." In response to that I do believe that I ended up playing up my northernness more because that's who I felt I was at that time. But really? I'm a combination of NorthEast girl with some Texan tendencies.

Luckily, this summer on that fateful first trip to Madison I found me. That raw, real me. The one who can be snarky and sweet, but also fierce and loving. The woman who still mails handwritten letters to friends, delivers homemade applesauce to deserving friends, would drive 2 hours to see you and who loves her kids fiercely with all her heart. I got to be me on that trip and it was freeing. I wasn't a mom, a partner or any other role but me. In fact, my dear friend that I made in Madison pointed out to me as I complained about wearing multiple hats (roles) that they're just hats and I can get rid of them easily and just be me. He was lucky enough to see that raw, vulnerable me in Madison and remind me later of who I am. I'm sure this is a reason that we are still friends despite the distance the short time we spent together. He accepted the raw me and loved me (as a friend) as I was.

So how do I become that raw vulnerable me here in my everyday life? It is something I am going to have to work at. It's so easy to slip into our roles: mom, coach, therapist, analyst, friend, etc. I will have to practice being me; raw, vulnerable me in each of these roles. It will not be easy, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me to let that vulnerability out, but I will not hide. I have hidden so much of myself, especially the last 3 years, that this might be one of the most important undertakings. In recognizing myself and practicing living as me, I know that I will experience that true belonging I have been lacking.

Faith

I have posted a lot about the emotional changes that I have experienced with my divorce, but I haven't ever really addressed the spiritual changes. I keep my spirituality fairly close to me and it's not something I share about often, but it has been an interesting part of this journey. One of my largest fears was having to tell my pastor that I was getting a divorce. I expected judgement, and possibly harsh treatment, but I was met with the complete opposite: Love and Compassion. He told me he had been praying for a different outcome, but that he (and the church) would support me and my kids in any way possible. I was floored, in fact I believe I started crying in the middle of our meeting. It was so many months ago at this point I don't remember the details. But I will remember the love, compassion and his statement that God wanted me to be happy, that I was created to be happy. It was more than I could have imagined and filled me with love that I desperately needed at the time. In fact, my pastor connected me with two other women also going through a divorce in our church. We have become a small local support system to each other in this storm that is divorce.

Personally, I have struggled with attending church. While my faith has not truly wavered, it has been tested. I would sit in church and hold back the tears watching the families. Or there was the time I inadvertently attended the mass for engaged couples. It took all of my strength and courage to not walk out; to sit there and listen to their love and blessings and know that I no longer had that. It was crushing. I didn't want to return to church for weeks following, but I did for my kids. They have watched me sit and sniffle and wipe at my eyes as we pray and sing in church. I have sat and listened to sermons about the joys and special thing that is marriage and contained myself from crying or walking out. I have listened to the cute little old ladies of the church invite me to marriage encounters and I smile and say I'm getting divorced. Their poor faces say it all, pity and confusion.

I have sat in church unable to contain the tears, and eventually excuse myself for a few minutes. Let me tell you the looks I got leaving 4 kids sitting in a pew as I walk out with tears streaming down my face. It's never one particular thing that may trigger the tears, but sometimes it's just this overwhelming emotion that I can't contain. It's heartbreaking to sit in a pew and cry silently while being surrounded by your loving children and have one of them keep looking at you with this confused face. Even today, listening to the readings about God making Eve from Adam's rib and new testament stories about divorce and remarriage and adultery hurt and brought me close to tears. But a few deep breaths and a focus on my kids and my tracing my tattoo and all was as well as it could be.

I have been blessed to have part of my faith renewed this summer. As you all are aware I made multiple trips to Madison, WI and on that first trip I was seized with a strong desire to pray. If I'm totally honest I was never a daily prayer kind of person, other than at the dinner table. I prayed at times, but since that first trip it has become almost a daily part of my bedtime routine. I give thanks for the blessings I have, ask for blessings on my friends and family, and do my best to single out specific people that have made an impact in my life. I'm sure some of you may be able guess who they are if you know me personally. I pray for continued faith and strength and for healing.

It doesn't mean that some days aren't more challenging than others, and it certainly doesn't mean that there are times that I want to yell and scream Why Me? In fact I've been know to ask many times in my nightly prayers, but as I write in my journal often, I just need to have faith and patience. The faith is usually there, patience not as much. And maybe, it's not so much of patience as it is courage. I never feel like I have enough courage, it's always in short supply. But that's the beauty of faith, believing that I will receive the courage and patience when I most need it. This divorce journey has changed me in so many areas, and been a process of self discovery, but I never imagined it would make my faith grow.

Avoidance is not a good thing

So earlier today I wrote you all a relatively light post about clothing because I was avoiding the real issue. I figured if I wrote something that it would help, but by not addressing the issue I made it worse. Now that you're wondering what the issue was, it's such a simple complex thing. I was lonely.

I was lonely and it was triggering my anxiety. I did what I was supposed to do. I reached out to people; I did my deep breathing. I took a walk; I read a book. I engaged in distractions (bills and the Eagles game). Here's the thing though, I managed to keep some of the anxiety at bay, but not enough. So when my kiddos walked in the door after being at their dad's all weekend I started to lose my cool. I was snipping and snapping at them for no real reason other than I was anxious and their exuberance was setting me off. All I wanted/needed was a hug, but they were too wound up to give any. I found myself wishing that they were still with their dad, and then immediately felt huge mom guilt. I realized I actually wanted them home, but just asleep so that I could have them here. And even that thought gave me mom guilt. Let's just say that guilt+loneliness+anxiety was not a good thing.

Here's the truth about single parenting and split parenting, it's tougher than anything I've ever done, including that PhD. I love my kids with all my heart and I'd do anything for them. I want the world for them. I heard Jason Mraz's Have It All during the midst of my meltdown and all I could think about was what I want for my kids and how I was desperately failing them. I mean what mom wants their kids to leave within minutes of them being home? Me- this majorly flawed mama does. But we all know that's the anxiety talking and not the truth. It's tough to admit and even write about those parts of the meltdown I was having, but it's one of the best ways to conquer the shame and guilt.

With a little bit of managing I was able to get myself together and try to make some sense of the anxiety. Truth? A lot was rooted in the loneliness, but some is rooted in knowing that tomorrow, October 1, is another step in the divorce process as the lawyers head to court. It brings up fresh waves of grief. I was brought to my knees bawling in the middle of my kitchen as Dan + Shay sang From the Ground Up as I thought about what could have been and where I thought I would be. I never imagined I would be a single, divorced mom of 4, closing in on 40. I know the grieving and healing process takes time and this is just another step, but it took me off guard.

I spent the night battling tears while cooking dinner, eating dinner and bathing my kiddos. Anxiety, loneliness and grief are not a good combination. When they finally went to bed I was relieved. I could be present with my emotions. With a gift from the muses my streaming tuned into Shawn Mendes' In My Blood and I was taken in again, as I often am with this song. It's one of the few that can pull the tears instantly and again, I was crying in my kitchen, melting, wishing for someone to be here. If you haven't really listened to that song please go do. This is a section of the lyrics/chorus:

I need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

It really speaks to where I was at and what I needed.  My walls are crashing and I want to give up, but I can't and won't. I didn't get to where I am today by quitting. But truth, I'm lonely and sad and I don't want to turn out my light to sleep alone. That's the reality of my life tonight.

Clothes and Compliments

In my new position at work I have the opportunity to dress in dresses and heels, and I often take advantage of it. I love the ability to wear a dress and heels. It gives me an internal power and confidence that I just don't have when I'm wearing scrubs and a t-shirt to work. Now don't get me wrong, there are certainly days I would like to roll out of bed and toss on my scrubs pants and a t-shirt, but for now I'm enjoying the perks of my new position. In fact I'm known to thrown on a dressier outfit for work if I'm having a rough morning, just so I can try to capture some of that confidence.

All of this being said about work, I also enjoy getting dressed up to go out. I don't get dressed up to impress anyone. Sure, I may want to look nice, but that's not the same thing. I get dressed up for ME. Wearing a nice dress and heels, with my hair and makeup done makes me feel pretty and confident, that I can take on the world. You can't buy that kind of feeling, and I know that when I feel that good it radiates outward. It's amazing what a little self-confidence can do. Others may think the outfit is for them, but it's not. It's for me. You're welcome to appreciate it in a respectful manner, but never think I'm doing it for you.

That point being cleared up, let's clarify those compliments. Everyone likes a well done compliment. No one wants a backhanded compliment, and if you're receiving compliments, be gracious. Just say thank you and move on, or even better return it with a thoughtful compliment. Personally, I don't want to be called "cute". If I'm all dressed up, I don't think of myself as cute; beautiful, attractive, pretty would be terms I would prefer. Cute makes me think of babies, toddlers, puppies, kittens, etc.; certainly not a full grown woman. But again, that's just me. So really, make those compliments thoughtful and appropriate. You never know how those words will impact the person.

Soundtracks

Isn't it funny how different periods of our life have different soundtracks? I'm sure you can remember the songs that took you through middle school, high school, and college. There was a period of time where my life was defined by toddler tunes and Jack Johnson and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Funny enough, my oldest can't listen to Banana Pancakes without getting sleepy since we played it the first 2 years of her life to help her settle and sleep. Music is such an integral part of our lives; I'm sure you've had instances where you hear a song and you are automatically reminded of a specific memory or feeling.

These past 2 years I have had a number of different soundtracks through my life as I work through different phases of this process. It's ranged from love to heartbreak to frustration, anger, desperation and freedom. It's been defiant, uplifting, dramatic, gut-wrenching and soul moving. There are moments when a song can bring me to tears with the opening measures, and other where mid-chorus I break down into tears. Sometimes you will find me belting out songs to give myself a lift and other times you will find me dragging my kids up to dance. In fact, our latest song to dance and groove to is Sway by Danielle Bradbery. They like to figure out the timing so that they're swaying in the correct direction that she's singing. There's nothing more special than a dance party with your kids.

It's interesting that lots of people assume that my soundtrack should focus on songs like Rachel Platten's Fight Song, Little Big Town's Better Man, and There's Nothing Holding Me Back. The reality is there have been a time and place for these songs, but they were never my primary focus. In all honesty, it depends on my mood and moment to moment needs. Sometimes I need a little Imagine Dragons On Top of the World and other times I need to let it all out with Shawn Mendes In My Blood when my anxiety has me going crazy. There are moments when I want to be soothed and envision an amazing future and I listen to Hunter Hayes Wanted, or Blake Shelton's God Gave Me You. I think about moments that may come and songs like Don't You Wanna Stay and Just a Kiss. What can I say? I'm a romantic at heart and I refuse to believe that I will be alone forever.

There are moments when I need to dance and forget everything; these moments I need to feel the beat and just be free. You'll find me having a dance party in my kitchen or living room or bedroom, alone. Dance party music is everything from David Guetta's Titanium to Can't Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake. I really do listen to almost every genre.  Each and every one of these songs has played a role in my healing process, but I have to say I am curious to think about how I will define this soundtrack 5 years from now. What songs will have had the most influence on me and take me back to this place?

Happiness and Perspective

Sometimes all it takes is a little time and perspective to find that piece that is missing. I know that it was just yesterday that I was writing about floating along. Today, I am grounded with a seed of happiness within me. How did it happen so fast? Let me tell you a little story.

As you may have guessed writing helps me process things. I write here on my blog, I journal, I write letters (some I send, some I don't). It just gives me a place to get it all out in different formats. On top of my writing I pray nightly and I reach out to specific friends (you know who you are). Today I woke up in a better space than where I was yesterday most of the day. Sometimes it's just about giving it time and really a good night's sleep in your own bed can do amazing healing. But today I spent the day doing outdoor chores. There was a pear tree that tried to take me down, and in fact knocked me back on butt about 5ft when my saw separated. I was fine, just a little bit of wind knocked out of me. But after a break I went back and attacked that tree to finish trimming it.

It was while I was standing next to my fire pit breaking up those pear tree branches that I found that grain of internal happiness and perspective. I was thinking random things and thinking about different people in my life. A thought crossed my mind about how impressive this act might be to a certain person, when I thought to myself. "Why am I trying to impress them with this mundane action?" And it hit me- I didn't need to impress them with my actions, they should be just be impressed/like me for me. I know, it's something I should know and believe, but I haven't believed that in a long while. Today though, it stuck.

I am me, perfectly imperfect, but just who I should be. I'm a mom to 4 amazing kids. I'm a pediatric PT. I've got a PhD. I'm a certified Epic clinical builder. I'm a lifeguard. I'm a runner. I'm a former crazy cloth diapering mama. I'm granola crunchy. I love fiercely and with my entire heart. I have anxiety but it does not define me. I cherish my friends and family. I have a very tight group of friends, preferring quality friendships over quantity.  I will help out anyone who needs it, but if my friends need me I will do everything in my power to help. I will pray for you. I love being outside. I'm not afraid of power tools and enjoy using them. I'll try anything once. I have a tattoo of hope on my wrist to help me focus in times of stress and pain.

It was a freeing moment to realize that I am enough. I don't have to impress anyone, and if you don't want to include me or forget to include me that's on you. I will be happy without you, but I would like to share my joy with you. And that my friends is my seed of happiness. As I promised a dear friend of mine, I'm not settling for a seed, but will seek more.

Floating, Tumbling & Twisting

Sometimes it's like floating just beneath the surface of the water. Do you go up to the surface for air or down to the bottom for grounding with a plan to push when it's time? The indecision can be crippling, leaving you struggling and there are no lifeguards in sight. You wonder when you will not be trapped always floating, never truly grounded and never truly breathing freely.

This is the best analogy to how I feel at moments, floating between the layers alone. I've just come back from another trip to Madison, and while each previous trip has graced me something special, this trip left my physically and emotionally tired. It's always a challenge to go on a trip surrounded by groups of people and know that you are there alone; it's worse when you know that there are people there from your group, but they have chosen not to interact with you. I felt like I was floating in Madison, not the happy floating on clouds stuff, but of what I spoke above. And it's not just in Madison where I float, but it feels like everywhere. It's the feeling of not quite fitting in, not belonging and being left behind; which everyone knows at some point in their lives, but at this transitional period it is the defining feeling. I know it will pass; and I pray daily for continued hope, peace and freedom.

First, I should say I love my new position. It challenges me in new methods and skills, creates unique thinking opportunities, and utilizes skills that I had forgotten I had. It affords me what I need in my life right now, and I don't regret accepting my position. That being said, I miss my connection with my amazing coworkers. I am no longer a treating therapist, down in the trenches working with challenging parents and kids, juggling the joys of treatment and the dreaded documentation. I could pretend I am with them, but I'm not and we all know it. They don't treat me any different, but I know it's not the same and that's enough. So I float along, no longer a therapist, but not a supervisor or management, not quite fitting in with them either. They are great individuals to work with, but we all know I'm not quite one of them, so I float along. Add to that the other team to which I report doesn't know who I am, my role or what to make of me. So here I am floating along, not a therapist, not a manager and not information services.

Let's compound this with floating along in my personal life, the only adult in the household surrounded by traditional families, and the only friend in my main group now a singleton. I've spent the summer watching you all go the shore and the beach and have nights out with your friends and significant others. I've tumbled and twisted myself into messes about this, and my best solution is to float. I won't let the sting of being left behind bother me anymore, so I float along.

I'd rather float than be a tumbled twisted mess of anxiety and sadness. What I can do is chose my path: float or drown; and I'll float until I can gain more ground. I was blessed by these words from a friend, and when I'm having a rough day of floating I reread them to remind myself that I have a choice

"I can hope you don't internalize the bad time. But you're the only one that can either rationalize your actions or ignore the pain and not let it get to you" 

I can chose to float or I can chose to be tumbled and twisted mess, letting anxiety rob me of everything. I know that this floating period will pass. I will peer up to the surface, getting the air when I need it and pushing off the bottom for grounding when I need it as well. I will chose to visualize myself not as trapped in the layers, but floating on the bubbles that exist within.

A PhD Builder?

A little over 5 and a half years ago I interviewed at the amazing children's hospital where I now work. I was asked about my 5 year plan and I remember saying that in 5 years I would love to be doing a mix of clinical patient care and research, ideally 50/50 split. Pipe dream I knew, but it was worth throwing out there. Here I am 5 years down the road, and I've temporarily phased out of patient care to become an application analyst for our department.

It's a crazy thing. I've had a few people tell me I'm wasting my PhD. I mean why spend 5 years pursuing a crazy thing like that to not teach or do research. But let me tell you after 5 years I was burned out and out of my touch with my clinical side. Going back to clinical work was one of the best choices I ever made. And I used that PhD, let me tell you. I educated staff, I developed research proposals and though they never made it past IRB due to personal life impediments it was fulfilling. I presented at hospital, local and national conferences. I co-authored a book chapter. I am using so many skills from that PhD, despite what some may think.

But I was getting burned out. I'm sure it was combination of my personal life going through major upheavals, a running injury that sidelined me for months and impacted my ability to work and provide for my kids, but I was beyond exhausted this past winter. So, when the opportunity for a new position was posted I was intrigued. This would be out of my comfort zone, but it would allow me some flexibility that I desperately needed as a now single mom. My now manager encouraged me to apply. She has been an amazing advocate and mentor. So April 2 I began my transition from staff physical therapist to application analyst for our department.

So what exactly does this position do? Well. I'm supporting our staff (PT, OT, SLP and Audiology) in our new and improved electronic medical record documentation style and functioning as a liaison between us and the information services group. This is why I have been making trips to Madison, WI for training. I've attended 2 intense classes, completed 2 comprehensive projects and now successfully passed 2 exams to become a certified clinical builder. And, I've used my PhD skills every step of the way. I know how to study and what works for me. I know how to manage my time and my team members. Many of the other people I know that become analysts do not have outside responsibilities, but I've not been so lucky. I've had to complete all of my requirements, juggle bits of patient care, and manage a huge project with multiple moving parts. And along the way I've had to assert myself as I have unique role at my hospital and there are some who don't quite know what to do with me.

Yeah, those lessons and skills learned from my PhD have come in pretty hand these past few months. So put your hands together and help me celebrate my new official certification as a Epic Clinical Builder.

Humbling Honesty

I think that everyone needs to have at least 1 friend who is willing to be brutally honest with you. I am lucky enough to have 2 of those. While it can be an intense friendship, you know that they aren't going to tolerate your BS and they'll call you on things. I find it a rare occurrence these days to find someone willing to be that honest with you. It takes a lot of courage on their part, even if it's part of their nature.

I bring this up because today 1 of my friends took a hard stance with me about a choice I made. I don't want to go into specifics but my friend pointed out 2 very important things to me. One, that the action I took was not fair to them, and two, that I was using my anxiety as an excuse. I will tell you that my immediate gut reaction was to be defensive. Here I was feeling crappy and this friend of mine was not being the supportive person I knew. But I took a deep breath and read the lines again, and again until I could get through my knee jerk defensiveness and listen.

My friend was 100% correct.
My action and choice was not fair to them AND I did use my anxiety as an excuse, even if it wasn't intentional. I was humbled. I was sad knowing that I had upset them. I took advantage of a precious friendship and used an excuse, rather than be honest. I needed my friend this morning and I wasn't honest with them about that, but they responded with honesty. I am still humbled by them.

I could be angry, I could be upset, I could be a million different things, but I'm choosing to use this as a lesson in humility and how to approach this situation in the future. As was pointed out to me it's how we think, view and react in the situations that define us. I can chose to have anxiety define me, or I can chose to live my life and have something else define me.  I'm choosing to not allow anxiety to define me. I am me. I am not anxiety. I am an extremely grateful, thankful and humbled friend tonight.

Advice and affection

My friends can I give you some well meaning advice, since so many of you feel the need to give it to me......

Please stop telling me to go enjoy myself or do something fun on the nights and weekends I don't have my kids. I get it, and in fact I remember those days and looking at the single parents thinking it looks amazing that you get an entire weekend to do what YOU want. What you don't see is the crushing loneliness and emptiness and quietness of your home. You don't hear how much more silent your home is at night when they're not home sleeping in the rooms around you. You tell me to go have fun and enjoy myself, but then I come home to an empty lonely house. You, my friends with your partner would come home with someone and have someone to enjoy your time with- I do not. Ten months later and it still stings.

Personally, I am still learning to balance my nights and weekends that are kid free. It's a delicate process of making sure I have personal relaxation time, get my chores done and be able to sleep without anxiety and loneliness. So please, it's not a vacation for me, but a fact of my life and inherent reminder that I am no longer part of a 2 parent household that is filled with continuous crazy weekends.  Some weekends and nights it is easier than others, and it is always easier when I know that there is someone that I can talk to (or message with) so I don't feel so lonely. The first few months were the worst on the weekends. I filled them with so many chores and work that by Sunday evening I was beat and all I wanted to do was crash. Over 10 months into this routine and I am slowly learning to manage things. A few weekends ago I had a great balance of a personal day and a chore day, and I was lucky enough to have a friend pretty much on speed text when I needed to connect with someone, but that balance doesn't happen often enough.

This brings me to my next piece of advice: affection. Hug your single parent friends (assuming they're the hugging type). Seriously. I love my children to pieces and I cherish my hugs and affection from them. But there is a significant lack of physical affection in our lives now as single parents, and for some of us this is our love language. For me personally it's my 2nd major love language (if you're confused go take this quiz). It's like living in a desert sometimes, no one hugs or touches in this society and you feel like at outcast at times. Not only are you not receiving any physical affection, but at times you are surrounded by it. It's everywhere, in the books you read, shows you watch, even a trip to the restaurant or the mall. When you don't have it, it can seem like it's everywhere. So, take a risk, you don't know what a little hug might do to brighten your friend's day. I'll always take a hug, but be forewarned you may make me teary.

Firsts

Living life as a now single mom is full of firsts. And I'm not talking about romantic firsts, I'm talking about those daily things that your partner used to do that now are your responsibility. Some of these firsts I have tackled with this "I got this!" attitude- almost an I'll show you I don't need you around kind of thing. And others just sneak up on you. For instance, the other day I had to fill the gas can for the mower. It's a silly little thing but the ex was in charge of mowing and it must be the last time it needed gas my dad filled it. So, I lugged 4 kids in the van to drive 1/2 a mile and fill up a gas can so I could mow.

I find each one of these firsts to be a different experience. My first time mowing the lawn- that was both terrifying and exhilarating. The first fire I did in my fire pit- amazingly powerful! But under each of these firsts is a bit of sadness. These firsts are just the starting point of another thing that I need to manage on my own; one more item to add to my to do list and agenda; one more thing to take away time from my kids. And they can even be a slap in the face reminder that you are juggling more now than ever.

But I wouldn't change it. Yes. I'll come out and say that. There's no point in lying about it. Each first is a stepping stone in creating my new life for my kids and I. I'm trying my best to handle these firsts with grace and dignity, but it doesn't always happen. On occasion there is also that moment when a first is so significant and you find yourself all alone that you want to crawl under the covers and cry yourself to sleep.

These firsts are a moment when I need to take a step back and find some perspective, which is always easier said than done. But really perspective is what's needed. This a journey that is full of surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant. And when you get caught up in the moment of them you can lose that perspective. I'm working on doing a better job of catching myself mid-moment to breathe, focus and determine what it is I need in this particular situation. I'm trying to file away each of these firsts, and there are many I'm sure I'm missing, but it's ok. It's about the pathway to a different life and learning to navigate the world as a singleton.

It must be Madison thing

There must be something about Madison. My first business trip to Madison made me an incredible friend and helped me immensely in my healing. That single trip helped me gain confidence and freedom from some of my anxiety. And now after a second trip I learned more about myself again and continue to heal and progress.

This trip I was not as lucky to make a fantastic friend, but really I didn't think that would happen again. In fact, I spent a lot of this past trip alone. For those of you know who know me well, know that this can be recipe for an anxiety disaster. Even on my trip in June when I was practically attached at the hip to my new friend I had an anxiety breakdown one night. But this trip I had almost no instances of anxiety. It was a peaceful trip. I won't say it wasn't weird to be back there at the same hotel, riding the shuttle alone and eating at mostly the same restaurants without my buddy. I had been worried going into the trip that having these powerful memories of joy and happiness from the previous trip would potentially send me on a crazy downward anxiety spiral. I will say I did spend the first day and half looking for my bud until I managed to get it into my head that they wouldn't be there. I also attempted to get into my old room a few times due to force of habit. (go ahead and laugh- I did)

I had to accept the fact that I was going to be alone for periods of time, especially when class began and it was clear most of my classmates were already paired. I missed my partner immensely, but I was able to dig into the material and focus. It was at lunch the first day that it struck me that I wasn't sad or stressed or anxious about being alone. I smiled and set out to be social. I sat a table with some other people there for training not in my class. We chatted and it was pleasant, but then they left and I had 20 minutes to spare. I found myself alone and at peace standing looking at the farmland surrounding me. It was an entirely new experience. I felt centered.

Throughout my trip I could be on the deck and look over the farmland and know I was alone, but I was at peace. I could have the same peace staring out my hotel room window or the bus. I didn't have any anxiety. I was calm and centered. I could go to dinner without a book and just smile at the people around me in groups. I could eat lunch alone in peace. And on my last full day there when I was ditched not once, but twice, at lunch I could smile and laugh about it. I marveled in the fact that the two different women who ditched me mid-lunch were missing out my awesome personality. I used to make jokes about this, but I never truly believed it; this time I really believed it in my being.

I can't say what it was that made the difference. It wasn't an event or a person that made the shift, but it was an internal discovery. Now that I'm home I'm working to recapture that sense of peace, but I know I am not the same woman that left for Madison less than a week ago. While I'm not as peaceful and centered as I was there, I am working towards it. And that my friends is huge progress. There must be something about Madison.....

Just a Day

It's just a day. That's what I keep telling myself. I'll say it until I'm blue in the face, likely at some point with tears falling down my face. It's just a day.

But it's not just a "day" in my mind. It would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. And yes, even though I'm in the process of getting divorced, this day has meaning. It was the start of our life together, a day of hopes, dreams and love. I can't deny it and it doesn't make sense to deny the day. It was a magical day filled with friends, family and entertainment. From being so distracted outside the church talking that we delayed the start, to turning around because someone forgot to pack our overnight bags (not him or me, family forgot) to a really drunk best man butchering his speech and almost kissing the best man when the ex stepped away; it was a special day. But I'm not really at a space in my life where I can reflect on all those moments and more, without feeling like a failure and having regrets.

I don't know many divorced people that don't have regrets. I know many divorced women who also struggle with that feeling of failure. I can say the times it sneaks in I have the ability to remind myself of the journey that took me where I am today, and remind myself strongly that I did not fail. But today, it's nearly impossible. I'm cognizant enough to realize that it's really just my anxiety telling me lies and bringing those fears to life. That doesn't make it any easier. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is a grieving process. And this year, I am at a new stage as compared to last year. It's not better or worse, just different.

If we're completely honesty here I'd say I'd rather numb out the day with a long run, sleep and alcohol. But, it's Thursday and I have to work. In fact, I have an important session to co-lead today and it would be detrimental to my team if I opted to not show up because I didn't feel like it. So it's a put on your big girl panties kind of day and just deal with the real world. And hopefully in dealing with the real world I'll find some healing. And if you see me around today I won't say no to a hug or you all blowing up my phone with funny texts and gifs.

Enough

I am enough.

Three very powerful little words. I'm sure you've read them somewhere, whether a post, a meme or in a book. It's something I think we ALL struggle with. Those crushing feelings of not being good enough, pretty enough, strong enough- just not being "enough" for everyone else, much less yourself. There's about a million self-help books and articles about how to make yourself "enough"; I should know, I feel like I've read them all. But, they basically all sum it up into one thing- to be "enough" has to come from within.

I get it. I really do. We are supposed to have sufficient self esteem and self confidence to overcome societal pressures to be happy, even exuberant (but not content) about ourselves. And per all of these resources it has to come internally. Again, I get it. But when you're struggling a little external validation that you matter, that you're important, that you're a human, much less an attractive female, can go a long way to boosting that internal mindset. Because when you have anxiety like I do and you ride the rollercoaster of it, you can have days where you are on top of the world and that self confidence radiates like a beacon, but then you can have days where you are stuck in a valley of self doubt, being fed the lies of anxiety. It makes it challenging to keep a mantra in my head that I am enough; that I am worthy. This is where I need to share a story, well really two, about 2 friends of mine. I have some great friends, I really do, but these two made impacts that I'm not sure they knew about until really recently.

A little over a year ago I was really struggling with so many different issues. It was just a short few weeks after the decision to divorce was made. I had the opportunity to be at an event and mingle with other adults. Not something that occurs often in my crazy world with my kiddos, especially when it was something that had nothing to do with my work. This now good friend of mine, spent probably 45 minutes just chatting with me. I don't have a clue what we talked about, but it was a turning point. I remember leaving the event feeling amazed that someone wanted to talk to me that long. I felt important, special in that moment and I was able to hold that feeling for a while. It was really what I needed at that moment. And now, that same friend takes time to check up on me, stop by to say hello and make me laugh. I actually brought it up to my friend a little while ago and they vaguely remembered the event. They had no idea how much of an impact it had on me. It was such a simple, human gesture, but I consider it a turning point in my life. Just a little external validation that I existed as a person and was worthy of speaking with was what I needed. (And yes I have thanked this friend for this.)

My other friend is a newer friend, in fact I'm referring to the one I posted about a month or so ago who sat down next to me on my business trip. Crazy right? We continue to remain really good friends, and I am forever grateful for our friendship. I actually make it a point to tell my friend this, because it is so important to me. Why? Because this friend of mine is also going through some struggles, and I want them to know that they are making a difference in my life. In fact, I continue to believe that we were put in each other's paths for healing by God. I'm not generally an overly religious person, but this friendship and connection cannot be denied. This friend has listened to me rant through the chaos of the past 3 weeks (that's another post) and managed to make me smile and even laugh on one of the darkest days. But what does that have to do with being enough you say? Everything. This friend reminds me that I am a strong, capable independent woman without actually telling me that. Said friend reminds me that there are no set rules in a divorce, that I am important and that I matter. And to be clear, none of it is said directly, it's in the attitude and little things.

It's those little external things, that for me, can feed that internal self talk and remind me that I am enough; I am important; I matter; I am desirable. And when anxiety comes stalking I can call on these memories to help quiet it. And the more memories and positive experiences I have, the louder I can make my internal voice. So I want to tell you all that even though people seem to think it ALL has to come from an internal source, I think it's ok to have an external source that feeds you. And it's just another reminder to be a kind human, you never know how much an impact you may be having on someone's life.

The "easy road"

I usually sit and ponder an introduction while I'm composing my posts, but this one, well I just wanted to dive in. If you're on facebook then I know at some point in your scrolling you have seen this post (or a version): 

"For couples so eager to call it quits and throw in the towel on your relationships because everything isn’t “perfect”... here is some food for thought. Lifelong commitment is not what most people think it is. It's not waking up every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It's not cuddling in bed until both of you fall asleep, peacefully, at night. It's not a clean home filled with laughter and lovemaking, everyday. It's someone who steals all the covers (and snores!) . It's slammed doors and a few harsh words, at times. It’s stubbornly disagreeing and giving each other the silent treatment until your hearts heal...and, then...FORGIVENESS! It’s coming home to the same person, everyday, that you know LOVES and CARES about you in spite of (and because of) who you are. It's laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid. It's about dirty laundry and unmade beds WITHOUT finger pointing. It's about helping each other with the hard work of life! It's about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud. It's about eating the cheapest and easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at a late hour to eat because you both had a crazy day. It's when you have an emotional breakdown and your Love lays with you and holds you and tells you everything is going to be okay...and you BELIEVE them. It's about still loving someone even though, sometimes, they make you absolutely insane. Loving someone is not easy....sometimes it's extremely hard; but it's amazing and comforting and one of the BEST things you'll ever experience!"

Let me ask you a few questions: Do you think it was "easy" to decide to leave a marriage after almost 14 years? Do you think it was "easy" to tell my 4 kids that their Mom and Dad would no longer be living together? Do you think it's "easy" to figure out when you have your kids and when your ex does? I guess it must be "easy" then to spend holidays alone. Do you think that most people who are divorced didn't fight for their marriage? That they didn't do everything and more only to have it not work. This shameful post is right up there with telling us to read a book, go to marriage counseling, take a retreat, or just spend more time together, because clearly if we had just tried one of those things it would have magically fixed our marriages. Most of us that are divorced did all those things and more, but here we are, STILL divorced. So please, take a step back and remember that most of us who are divorced had what you describe above and then something changed. And sometimes, crazy enough, people get divorced that still love each other. Sometimes you just can't be the people you were meant to be in a marriage.

It's not that I don't want you to celebrate your healthy, amazing relationship. In fact, I do want you to share it with the world. It's a reminder to me (bittersweet at times) that things can (and do) work. So please, share how wonderful and supportive your partner is; celebrate the big and little stuff. But let's cut the shame and guilt. Let's have you share how long you've been together and how that person completes your world and makes you a better person. That's the post I want to read; those are the pictures that I want to see and celebrate. Because like some other divorcees I know, we have HOPE that maybe one day we can experience that amazing phenomenon again.

Yeah, can we chat about this? Because unless you've been through the gut wrenching process of divorce, it's not about "calling it quits" and it's not because everything isn't "perfect". And really- we're probably the people that could tell you the best about how difficult it can be to love someone. What you're doing in perpetuating this post, rather than celebrating your beautiful relationship, is SHAMING those of us who are divorced. I'm sick of the shame, and I'm tired of you thinking that those of us who are divorced took the "easy road." I carry enough shame and guilt on my own- I don't need any extra from you, thank you very much.

The fallout

Yesterday I shared with you my struggles with anxiety and the day that never ended. I woke up this morning surrounded by the love and support from so many of you. I think I have personally thanked each and everyone of you, but if I missed you please know that it meant a lot to me. It means a lot that you take the time to read my words and then to follow up and check on me.

In the most part today presented with less anxiety, but I did have an emotional hangover. If you've never had one, then count yourself lucky. Waking up exhausted, out of sorts and raw all over. You're on edge, because you don't know what's going to set you off, nor how you may react. You want an example, I became teary on my drive to work over a song. It's crazy how much our emotions can have a physical toll on our body. In addition to the physical fatigue, I had mental fatigue by 9am and my day was just ramping up. The emotional rollercoaster of prolonged anxiety from a previous day at times seems never ending. Really it would have been best to take a personal day and sort myself out, but it wasn't a luxury I had today with all the meetings that I needed to attend and run.

I will say I spent part of the morning teary at all the love and support followed by increasing anxiety through some stressful meetings. It was at some of those moments that I received texts and messages from some friends- that my friends is exactly what I needed. Again, I thank you.

In all honesty, the fallout wasn't as bad as I expected. I have had anxiety spirals that have been less and given me more issues the following day. I attribute today to increased contact from all of you and improving coping skills. I was also lucky enough to know that I had a therapy session this evening, and that I was able to follow it up with a nice run outside. Sometimes that double combination is enough to clear everything from me. I wasn't that lucky today, but I am feeling so much better than last night. Thank you again for all the love and support. Please use these posts as a reminder to reach out to your friends and family, you never know how one little text may brighten someone's day.

Spirals of Anxiety

A few years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and I have been seeing a wonderful psychologist who gives me coping skills, an ear when I need it, and so much more. She's been a godsend. I'm at the point now that I can recognize when I'm in the midst of a spiral, and sometimes I have the ability to pull myself out.... today was not that day. Today, I was able to identify the root of my trigger which was lack of sleep and finding lice (again) in my girls' hair. That combo, along with attitude from the kids started me off on a path this morning that I knew was likely to lead to an anxiety spiral. I tried, I really did. I did my deep breathing, I took a time out (or 3). I gave my kids lots of space, but it hit me full force when I asked for someone to pack my bag so we could all go to the pool. When I got attitude again I couldn't contain the anxiety and off I went into this spiral. While, I know it may sound like anger, sometimes anger comes from anxiety (and we all know often fear).  And truth be told I'm still spiraling.

It's a scary place to be, especially when you're alone or alone with your kids. When you're a single, divorced mom with a limited social support network you don't have a lot of options. And I know at least one of you is thinking- call someone..... yeah I know, but when you're in the throws of an anxiety spiral you circle around that thought. These are some of the things that happen in my head: "call/text [her]" followed by "no! you've dumped/vented on her enough", then I might think of someone else which is typically followed with "they've got their own issues at the moment." And as all this circles and spirals in my head there's a part of me that 100% knows I am being irrational and the majority of my friends wouldn't give a damn if I called them in the midst of this. There are days I can gain enough traction to make that call/text, but today was not one of them. So I just continued to spiral, and it didn't matter that I was now at the public pool with my crew. I sent them off swimming and diving and opted to attempt to distract myself with the 'book.

(Now I should note, this is not a good option for me. It typically makes things worse. I see the happy families/couples and it ramps me up more. It sends a very real reminder that my family is very different these days and I am no longer part of a couple/team. This is not to knock my ex- he is very involved with the kids and loves them to pieces. But seeing what seems like everyone happy and together just makes things worse for me.)

But, while I was surfing and making myself worse I stumbled on this post shared by a friend and I started silently crying poolside. Because you see the writer could have been writing about so many of my own experiences. And in the midst of my anxiety spiral I was reminded (again) how lonely I was and how much loneliness I experience daily. It's in so many aspects, like being at the pool while surrounded by a family with 2 parents present, to being the only parent present at a school event (again not bashing- see statement above) or explaining to someone that you knew previously that you are no longer married. I feel like I have at least one daily reminder that I am alone. And when you combine it with spiraling anxiety that makes you think crazy thoughts about the choices you have made along your journey, you end up a hot mess. And here it is hours later and I'm still wrecked by both this blog about loneliness and my own anxiety spiral.

See, at this point in my spiral there's almost nothing I can do alone to stop it. I need that outside source, preferably someone physically present to be here to let me know I am ok and that I am not alone. But I AM alone; my kids are here but it is NOT their job to get me through this, nor is it appropriate for them to do so (they do know I am sad). So it's just another reminder that divorce is a lonely road and you can't fully understand it until you've been here. Anxiety robbed me of a beautiful day with my kids, and loneliness and anxiety are trying to rule my evening. It's likely at this point that I will burn out this spiral with a few more tears and wake up tomorrow with an emotional hangover. I had been hoping to comment more specifically on the blog post that I read about the mom loneliness but I can't gather my thoughts enough to be coherent, so I'll leave it for another day.

A name change, a life change and a story

Welcome back... it's been a really long time since I blogged about anything. Life has been so chaotic that I haven't wanted to post anything. But it's finally time.

Part of this post have been over a year in the making and I finally have the courage to write. A little over a year ago the decision was made for the hubby and I to separate and divorce. I will not rehash the details, the hows and whys and all of those things here. There are some things that still deserve privacy and this is one of them. Suffice it to say I was not happy, and after a long road I decided I could not be married anymore as it was detrimental to my health and happiness and that of my children. Hence the name change.

All of that being said, it has been a very long journey, both to get to that point and to the point I am at now in my life. Along this journey I learned that I suffer from anxiety. I reached out to a licensed professional and have been in counseling for almost 2 years at this point. I still have moments where my anxiety spirals like crazy, but I am learning new ways to manage things. This is especially important when I find myself surrounded by my 4 crazy and lovable kiddos and rising anxiety. Single motherhood is not for the faint of heart and it's been a huge adjustment for us all. Sometimes when the anxiety rises it means a time-out for me, sometimes it means a time out for everyone. Sometimes, it's a reach out to those people that have been there for me the past year.

It's been an experience to see who has been there for me on this journey. I will say my family has supported me 100% and gone above and beyond to help me and the kiddos through this transition. It's been everyone else that has surprised me. I've had many friends reach out with the standard "let me know how I can help," but a very limited few who actually took the initiative to help of their own accord. And by help it could be a text message, note on my desk, hug or an ear offered at a crucial moment. Here's the honest truth: I would have loved more support, but there was no way I could ask for it. It took every ounce of my strength and courage to get up and out the door everyday for months on end. I had no more strength and courage to admit to anyone that I would have loved a meal cooked for my family, or to have someone else set-up a coffee date or girls night out on my nights alone. Getting divorced is a grieving process. In our society when a loved one dies they are surrounded by friends and family providing food, support, etc.  At one of the most critical times in my life, when I really could have used that support, I found myself nearly alone. My extended family is at the closest 1 1/2 hours away, so it fell to my friends, neighbors and tribe. And while a very select few were there, the majority were not- they were waiting me to make the first move. As I said above, I was in no way able to make the move, as much as I would have loved to. Anxiety, mild depression and grief ruled me. I used my courage and strength to be happy and strong for my children and be as successful at my job as possible when your world has changed. I was/am that picture of your "strong friend." If you didn't know what I was going through, you very likely would not have guessed.

Now, none of this is written to make you all feel guilty, but it's written to inform you that if you have someone going through a divorce, or ANY tough time- don't wait for them. YOU need to be the one to reach out. I know we are seeing more of this posted throughout social media and I can only hope and pray that this time it sticks.

But, I promised you a story as well today.
I firmly believe that God places people in our life at certain points for reasons. Now I find myself unexpectedly with an amazing new friend that I can't help but feel was placed there by God. And, it all started with a simple conversation on a bus trip during a business trip. It's funny how something so simple can have such a huge impact on you. While I'm on the bus to my training my soon to be friend asks to sit in my open seat, and we start chatting about what we're taking for training and just little things. But in this day and age, having a simple conversation with a stranger is a rarity. We shared a lovely conversation about a small host of topics and when we arrived at our training I figured we would part ways. Unbeknownst to us we had both arrived a day early to training and found ourselves almost stuck at the training center for the day. Luckily, we were able to secure a ride back to our hotel where we discovered we were on the same floor just doors apart. Tentative plans were made for the day that fell apart, but we met up again the next day on the bus. I won't say we became best friends instantly, but we certainly shared a bond from the previous day. We decided that we should stick together in our class and spent the week sitting in class, cracking jokes and sharing meals. It made my trip so much less lonely than the previous business trip I went on this year.  I haven't laughed so hard in months, or maybe a year. It was amazing. For me personally it was one more step in my healing process from the divorce, and I am forever grateful. So please take the time to talk to those strangers, smile, make new friends because you never know where you new good friend will be found.