Running Friendship

Today an interesting thing happened. I went on a long run (12 miles) with an amazing friend of mine. This gentleman has been a support system for me the past 5 months especially, but we've been friends for about 5 years. He listens to my venting, whining and crying. He calls or texts to check up on me periodically. He's just a stand up guy. And before anyone gets any ideas, let me be clear that his amazing man is happily married and old enough to be my father. In addition to that he goes running with me. We can run and talk and laugh, or we can run in comfortable silence. He's an ideal running partner for me and we work well together on our runs.

But back to my run..... we hit 11.5 miles and I was struck with something. It wasn't truly physical, but suddenly my world was crashing. I couldn't breathe; I was near to a full on breakdown; I was a mess.

One step, two steps, suddenly can't run
Hands around my mouth trying to breathe, chest heaving, trying to find my center, feeling like the center will not hold. my world is crashing
A simple touch and my world stabilizes momentarily, but I'm still lost.
A few more steps, another touch and I can almost breathe
Walking, breathing, comforting words and the world comes into focus

I can't say what triggered it or exactly what happened, but without him there I would have been a puddle on the ground. Those few simple human touches and comforting words stabilized my spinning, chaotic world. I've had emotional break downs on runs before. One run in June I got a mile in and then cried for the remaining 3 miles of my 4 mile run. Full on tears pouring down my face. The world was too much at the time and the run set it free. During marathon training I've hit a wall and started crying for no reason after 16 miles or 18 miles. Let me tell you there's nothing weirder than running around your neighborhood with tears pouring down your face while you chug along at your snail pace after running for hours at that point.

But this time was different. I've never had the intense physical reaction that I had. I do know that moments before it happened I was certainly feeling off, but it was like being hit with a train. Out of nowhere I couldn't function. I wanted to curl up in a ball forever, and yet I couldn't shed a single tear. My friend was calm and collected and a safe space for me. The physical touch was the first thing that helped me stabilize. Those of us neurotypical individuals are hardwired to respond to touch, and I'm low these days on positive touches that aren't from my kids. Then his words and calmness and the understanding that we could just stop. No judgement, no anger, nothing but calm and concern.

I can't express what it meant to me in the moment, and what it means to me now that I had him there. I don't honestly know what would have happened had I been alone. I'm sure I would have walked the remainder back to my car, but I would have been a full blown anxiety mess. As it was when I got home and heard a song on the radio the tears finally freed themselves. Today I wasn't gifted with a runner's high from that run, but I was blessed with the friendship of this man.