Floating, Tumbling & Twisting

Sometimes it's like floating just beneath the surface of the water. Do you go up to the surface for air or down to the bottom for grounding with a plan to push when it's time? The indecision can be crippling, leaving you struggling and there are no lifeguards in sight. You wonder when you will not be trapped always floating, never truly grounded and never truly breathing freely.

This is the best analogy to how I feel at moments, floating between the layers alone. I've just come back from another trip to Madison, and while each previous trip has graced me something special, this trip left my physically and emotionally tired. It's always a challenge to go on a trip surrounded by groups of people and know that you are there alone; it's worse when you know that there are people there from your group, but they have chosen not to interact with you. I felt like I was floating in Madison, not the happy floating on clouds stuff, but of what I spoke above. And it's not just in Madison where I float, but it feels like everywhere. It's the feeling of not quite fitting in, not belonging and being left behind; which everyone knows at some point in their lives, but at this transitional period it is the defining feeling. I know it will pass; and I pray daily for continued hope, peace and freedom.

First, I should say I love my new position. It challenges me in new methods and skills, creates unique thinking opportunities, and utilizes skills that I had forgotten I had. It affords me what I need in my life right now, and I don't regret accepting my position. That being said, I miss my connection with my amazing coworkers. I am no longer a treating therapist, down in the trenches working with challenging parents and kids, juggling the joys of treatment and the dreaded documentation. I could pretend I am with them, but I'm not and we all know it. They don't treat me any different, but I know it's not the same and that's enough. So I float along, no longer a therapist, but not a supervisor or management, not quite fitting in with them either. They are great individuals to work with, but we all know I'm not quite one of them, so I float along. Add to that the other team to which I report doesn't know who I am, my role or what to make of me. So here I am floating along, not a therapist, not a manager and not information services.

Let's compound this with floating along in my personal life, the only adult in the household surrounded by traditional families, and the only friend in my main group now a singleton. I've spent the summer watching you all go the shore and the beach and have nights out with your friends and significant others. I've tumbled and twisted myself into messes about this, and my best solution is to float. I won't let the sting of being left behind bother me anymore, so I float along.

I'd rather float than be a tumbled twisted mess of anxiety and sadness. What I can do is chose my path: float or drown; and I'll float until I can gain more ground. I was blessed by these words from a friend, and when I'm having a rough day of floating I reread them to remind myself that I have a choice

"I can hope you don't internalize the bad time. But you're the only one that can either rationalize your actions or ignore the pain and not let it get to you" 

I can chose to float or I can chose to be tumbled and twisted mess, letting anxiety rob me of everything. I know that this floating period will pass. I will peer up to the surface, getting the air when I need it and pushing off the bottom for grounding when I need it as well. I will chose to visualize myself not as trapped in the layers, but floating on the bubbles that exist within.