A Running Journey

As you may know I am a runner. I found running after my youngest, B, was born and I was out of shape, broke and looking to find a cheap and easy way to get myself back into shape. I had a closet full of clothes that didn't fit and no money to buy new ones. Heck, most of those days I was juggling trying to feed our family of 6 on our WIC checks alone plus less than $50 per month out of pocket. So, a fancy gym membership was out of the question. We did attend the Y, but trying to coordinate taking a class and childcare schedules was a challenge, but I could always find a free treadmill or run outside on the loop.

As I ran I grew more confident and faster, as well as leaner. It was a painfully slow journey, but I won't forget when I ran a 5k without stopping, or when I decided to see if I could 4 miles, and then 5, or that time I tried 8 for the "fun of it". It was about pushing and challenging myself, since no one thought I could be a runner. I was never a runner before that. I had a tried a few times, but just couldn't make it stick. In fact, it astounded a number of my friends and family at the time that I would be running. At almost a year of running I was convinced to register for my first race, the Philly Rock-n-Roll half marathon. I did it because someone told me I couldn't. And as many of you know, that's one of the best ways to get me to do something. I will do it just to prove it to you that I can.

Me after the RNR Half Marathon 2013, my first race ever

Running quickly became a huge part of my life, especially as I tackled training for that first half. And after that first half I was hooked on racing. The truth is that I was running for multiple reasons. What had first set out to be a goal of health and strength, was turning into a near obsession to get to that perfect weight and body. I trained for that half marathon eating 1500 calories a day or less. I got my weight down, but I did put it back on and I never hit that "goal" weight either.

As I ran and pushed myself more running became an escape. I could go on a long run on a weekend afternoon since I had a race coming up and get away from the chaos of my household. It was my excuse, my escape under the guise of training and my health. I switched from the half to the full marathon, adding another layer of complexity to my runs. I was showing the world that I could get up at 5am on a Saturday, run 15-20 miles and still be an awesome and involved mom and wife. I was battling friends, family and the outsiders who think you're insane for wanting to pay to run 26.2 miles. I was also running to chase times and show the world that I could do challenging things well while juggling a career, kids and a husband. As much as I was running for "me" I was running to prove that I could do it, which isn't the same thing.  At the time I thought that it was, but it wasn't until my last 2 races over the past 3 weeks that I saw the difference.

Near the finish of the Philly marathon 2014

After the Marine Corps Marathon 2016

Two weeks ago I returned to racing after an 18 month hiatus. I had wanted to race over that time frame, but due to multiple complications I had to refrain. The 10k that I ran was the shortest race I have ever run. It physically hurt with shin splints, but I did it. When I finished I was filled with a joy that I hadn't ever experienced. It wasn't just the runner's high, it was something different. It took me a while to realize I had a done a race that was mostly for me. I wasn't out to prove something to anyone; I was out running to be with a friend and just have fun.

My running buddy and I after our 10k

Today, I had my next big challenge, my first half marathon in over 18 months. I was bogged down with shin splints for 4 miles, a good race for the next 5 miles, and then I was hit with stomach issues and waves of uncontrollable emotions. I was running and walking with tears pouring down my face. I was trying to shut it down to finish, and I did at times, but they kept rearing their head.

It hit me that this race was for me, and me alone. Sure, I had dragged my running buddy along and convinced him to run, but this finish belonged to me and me alone. I wasn't running to prove a point; I wasn't running to honor someone; I wasn't running as an escape; I wasn't using running as an excuse; I was running because I could.

This race required the most mental energy I have ever used. My running buddy was there all of the way encouraging me, giving me much needed physical and emotional support, but it was up to me to decide. Was I going to give in and cry in to a ball on the side of the road like I wanted, or would I shove it down and push through, even if it was a few more steps before I lost it again? The last 1.1 miles were challenging. I knew I was so close, but trying to hold it together was getting the best of me. I just kept reminding myself that I could break down at the finish. Funny enough, I didn't. I don't know if I was too tired or what exactly happened but I was done with the roller coaster emotional ride. Maybe I left it all on the course, because I know when I was digging deep that last mile I kept feeling like I was coming up empty.

Here I am after the race with my running buddy who helped me every step of the way, and the gal that convinced us both to sign up for this race. We are an odd mix of runners and ages and stages of life, but it just works. That's the joy of the running community that I am so proud to have joined.

Philly Half Marathon 2018

I could write a race recap like I have done before, but this lesson was worth more than a recap.

It was the learning and understanding of running and doing for me alone.