30 Days of Thanks: Day 26

I don't often dedicate or write about a particular individual here on my blog, but today I'm thankful for my TX B. Despite the chaos of his life right now he called me knowing I was having a high anxiety night. It was just one of those nights were I felt incredibly alone, neglected, unimportant, unloved and lonely. When you have anxiety these feelings are amplified and your anxiety feeds you all kinds of lies. Even if you know within you that it's false and anxiety is lying and manipulating you, the emotions are real, the grief is real and the battle is intense. That's where I found myself tonight.

My trigger? My kiddos are gone with their dad until Sunday and I fielded question after question today about the holiday. Challenging when I celebrated my holiday already and while I will celebrate again on Thursday with family, it's not with my kiddos and that's just my reality. I also know that last year I struggled immensely at Thanksgiving and I am working diligently at choosing not to be the person I was last year at this moment. Last year my TX B was there for me, calling me when he knew I was a wreck and blowing up my phone when I wouldn't answer. I was such a wreck I refused to answer my phone that night, and he kept at it until he knew I was as ok as I was going to be in the moment. This guy is one of my best friends, despite the time apart and distance between. I am incredibly thankful for the call and support day in and day out.

It's pretty rare that I can share the raw, unedited version of events with people. Even the raw emotions and stories I share here have been edited for posterity. It's not that I'm ashamed, but the world does not need to know every detail. I can share intimate details of my life with him and know he won't judge me. He will listen, offer advice, and support me. We're amazing friends and often people think we have been lifelong friends. Truth is we were friends in middle school, and went into different circles in high school and then I moved. Thanks to facebook we reconnected a bit, but last year as he started a difficult chapter I reached out to him, and fairly harassed him until he caved and let me into his circle. It's from there that we have grown our friendship into the gift that it is. I can't be more thankful and grateful than I am at this moment. I'll be able to sleep better tonight after our phone call earlier and the silly texts to make me laugh. Good and genuine friends like this are a blessing and I'm honored to have him as mine.

30 Days of Thanks: Days 23-25

Whew! Somehow the weekend got away from me. Thus you get a catch up post.

Day 23 (Saturday) Can I just be thankful for a nap and caffeine? Seriously! My flight out of Texas left at 5am, so I was up at 2:45am to catch a ride to airport to be in line for security by 3:20am. Needless to say it was a long day, fueled with a brief nap on the plane and a short one I squeezed in at home, and a very large caffeinated coffee!

Day 24 (Sunday) On this day my family celebrated thanksgiving as my kids will be with their dad out of state per our normal arrangement. This year I expanded my table to my good friend and his family. It was great to have the crowd around the table with 2 turkeys, lots of sides, laughter and noisy children. Memories in the making. I'm thankful for the time and ability to host something like this event. I have a table large enough, enough resources to make it happen and the joy to share. Holidays can be difficult, but on this day we celebrated with love in our hearts.

Day 25: Today I'm thankful for all of you that encouraged me on my writing journey. You've read all these posts (or most of them) and had kind words. I have little training in writing of this style. My writing training has been scientific and we all know that's completely different. It's because of your ongoing encouragement that I have 3 writing endeavors on the horizon. One is already public as you're aware, the other 2 are still in the infancy stages. There will be more coming about them as they develop.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 22

Old friends.

Today, I'm thankful for old friends. I've been down in Houston helping out a friend I've had since middle school, thanks to the generosity of a high school friend. In the midst of all of this a friend I have had since kindergarten (who managed to keep track of me through 8 moves) has been checking in on me. I have some really amazing friendships that have spanned large distances, but these two in Houston have been super supportive of so many things I have endured over the past few years. It's interesting because while we were friends in those different periods of our lives we weren't as close as we are now. I would have never considered us best friends in our history, but they are certainly part of my crazy small tribe now.

I've enjoyed sharing stories with my kids about these people and the importance of friendships and how they evolve over time. There are those friends who pass through your life in a season or two and those that may lay low in the background until it's time to resurface, as well as those that are ever present. I have not had a traditional life, growing up in the same place, but instead we moved a lot while I grew up. I am friends with people from each of these junctions in my life, and thankful for all the different experiences and influences that they have had on my life. But these "old" friends mean the world to me. Love you 3 to pieces.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 21

Maybe it's a silly thing, but I'm thankful for all of the people that have encouraged my writing. I started this blog years ago when everyone kept asking how I managed it all: going to school, having babies and having a life. It's now become my personal outward journal to all of you. My goal of this blog is to share my stories in hopes that someone can relate to one of them, and know that regardless of the issue someone has been through something similar. I will not hide in shame or continually put up a false front. I did that for years and it dang near killed me. You can even see it in the history of the blog, where I stopped writing. It was too challenging to sit and write down, and I would have not been honest. So for all of you who encouraged my writing, and still do I thank you.

That being said you can follow the adventures of Leilah Grace here, and in a new spot. Check her out here on All Women All Trails. It was with your support that I even applied to write for this great site.

30 Days of Thanks: Days 18-20

I had plans to keep up daily, but with my unexpected southward trip I fell a little behind. So here we are to get all caught up.

Day 18: On this day I'm thankful for time management skills. Silly thing, but it's crucial when you're juggling a thousand different things. It's something that I am working on passing along to my children. Tough thing to teach but a valuable skills. I'm thankful for my parents and teachers working on this with me.

Day 19: Can we all just be thankful for airplanes? Seriously! Without air travel this trip would have taken a significantly longer period of time. In a matter of a few short hours I found myself 1500 miles from home, back to one of my hometowns. It's magical.

Day 20: Today I'm thankful for old friends becoming new friends again. It's been an amazing experience to be back in Houston connecting with friends I haven't seen in a long time. It's thanks to social media that I have reconnected with these people. I'm happy to be back in person with these great people.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 17

Sometimes things just fall into place. I am incredibly thankful for the little community in which I have placed myself. I'm not speaking of the physical community, but of my friends. They have rallied so that I can go help a friend of mine. Within an hour of my decision to take this cross country trip I had my kids taken care of between my parents and their dad, my shift at the gym covered and a place to crash at my destination, and airfare well within my budget.

The love in the community and network that I have is amazing. These are the people that I have chosen to support me and when they support me I can support others. I am so thankful for their generosity and support. It means a lot to me and my friend.

Not only does it mean that I can support my friend, but it teaches my children a valuable lesson. We had a discussion tonight after dinner about friendship and what it means and how we need to support our friends. My children have this opportunity to see me doing what I am able to do to help my friend AND see what our network is able to do, so that it can be accomplished. It was just earlier today that we had a quick chat about the golden rule and living your life by it; this is my chance to demonstrate a bit of that to them.

I am so thankful to my network.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 16

Today I'm thankful for social media. I know there are lots of negative aspects of social media, but I love the fact that I am able to connect with people from all different parts of my past and make new friends too. I have made some incredible friends from facebook running groups and am in the process of making new friends in my hiking groups. I made some great friends through coaching groups and spiritual groups. For me, I need all different types of people in my life. It keeps things interesting, gives me perspective and teaches me things.

Social media, while often can make me feel inadequate, as I see your amazing Pinterest creations and happy family pictures, provides me with a way to connect to the world. Being a single parent is a tough thing, a lonely thing and in a community of two-parent households often makes me an outcast. When I delve into social media and see my other single parent friends rocking the same issues I have I have an instant community. When I delve into social media and see other cool hiking women going on amazing trips I grow and dream and add things to my list of upcoming adventures. When I delve into social media and see another mom struggling with something I just dealt with I can reach out and support and create a community for her. Social media is amazing tool and I'm incredibly thankful for it.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 15, Happy Birthday Mom

As I sit every year on November 15th I am incredibly thankful for my mother. There are not enough words to describe how much she means to me and how much she does for my family. This woman has a quiet strength. You may not notice her behind my boisterous father, but she is the glue; the one who packed the boxes and the trucks and unpacked the boxes what seems like thirteen thousand times for each of my childhood moves.

She was the one who baked my birthday cakes, cookies and taught me to cook. She taught me to sew, to laugh and always told me to reach for more. She was the rock in our family when everything was upside-down from yet another move. She's there for my kids, to include putting them on the bus 4 mornings a week so I can get to work on time. She's there on days off and nights if I need/want to go out when I have my kiddos. Just a quick phone call and she'll be here.

Once when Ben was really sick she dropped everything and drove down 4 hours to stay with the kids so I could take him to the hospital. Or there was the time days after D was born that she crossed paths with Ben in the airport, coming to take care of me and 2 kids, while Ben flew home to be with his grieving family. I don't know a lot of other moms that do all the things that she has done for me and my family. I consider myself, and my kids, extremely blessed to have her in our lives.

Love you Mom.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 14

There are moments when I sit down to write that I think this will get easier. That the thing or things that I am thankful for will just come swiftly, but most nights I sit here blankly just thinking and pondering. Tonight is no different, I've sat and pondered, stalled and finally opened the laptop to type it out, but there's nothing there. It's not writer's block, or a block on what I'm thankful for, it's more a sense of the unknown.

There was nothing overly spectacular about today, good or bad. It just was. That in of itself is actually a good thing, as the past week has been a series of lows, crawling out of the valleys, only to descend again to the depths. Thus, you would think that I am thankful for a day like today, a solid mediocre day. It's not that I'm not thankful for it, but it's not the big ticket item for the day. It doesn't feel right in my gut to say that I'm thankful for my mediocre day.  Thus I'm still searching for that thing.

The best part of my day was coming home and listening to my 10 year old, D, tell me about his field trip and the pack of sheep's wool he bought. Yup, my son bought sheep's wool at his field trip. His other favorite part was hauling the firewood around during the trip. I was surprised at both his purchase and his description of the day. He's my funny little engineer man, so different than any of his siblings. Ten years have gone by and there are so many moments I don't have a clue what makes this one tick or how to motivate him. He's the smallest and wiriest of the group, and this guy pick the tuba, yes the TUBA, to play for his instrument. Let me tell you that we were all shocked. He had been talking all year about the trumpet or trombone, so the tuba came out of nowhere. Personally I think he would be good at drums, but he has no interest. I've been told by other parents I should be grateful. I don't know about that, have you heard a tuba on its own before? All that aside this little guy of mine is a joy. He frustrates me to no end and I'm usually more at a loss with him than the others, but I love him dearly. I'm thankful for his uniqueness and sweetness. There are moments he's like a little old man, salty and sweet. Gotta love him.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 12 and 13

So I swore I hit publish on my post from yesterday, but apparently not. So here's my days

Day 12: I'm a little stumped where to start today. It's been a unique day; highs, lows, frustrations and everything in-between. All in all I think what I'm thankful for the most today was some much needed down time. I took some of my time and just had some mental health breaks. I'm thankful for the ability to realize that I need them and act on them to take them. It can still be a challenge, but it is getting easier. Down-time, real down time, is crucial to my mental health. I am notorious for jam packing my days and nights and free time. While I am better at balancing it out, I still need more down time than I give myself. So today, I'm thankful for the gift of time to relax.

Day 13: Today I'm thankful for my friends who can be truthful with me. There's a lot going on in the background that I'm not sharing, but it's taking all sorts of tolls on me emotionally and even physically. With some advice from my friends I have a plan for moving forward on one piece of things. Without friends who are willing to be honest and truthful with me I'm certain life would look very different. Thanks to all the friends today for the guidance.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 11

Rainbows. I'm thankful for rainbows. It was a rough morning for no particular reason, just busy, but I felt myself teary so much of the morning. It's been an emotional rollercoaster ride, with lots of lows, and climbing out of the valleys, though no mountaintop highs to feel. I know I'm not the only one who had a rough emotional week last week. There's just something in the air, making many of us more emotional than usual. On top of that it's been triggering my anxiety. Not much I can do, but breathe through it and have faith in the change coming.

While I was driving this afternoon to pick up my youngest two from school I spotted a sliver of a rainbow. It seemed really out of the ordinary to me as there hadn't been any rain, there was lots of cloud cover, but there it was glowing for me to see. On my drive back with my little two I told them about the rainbow. We valiantly searched for it, but it seemed like it would stay hidden away to it's own secret world. As we rounded a corner I caught a glimpse of it, and then the sun shined brightly in my eyes. I grabbed my sunglasses and suddenly that hidden rainbow became incredibly clear.

It was a message to me that I needed to share with everyone. That in these troubled and tough times to see the beauty in the world sometimes you need to view it through a different lens.

From that moment forward my day improved, anxiety lessened, grace appeared and I felt more grounded. Signs from the universe are not to be ignored, but shared and enjoyed. I'm using it as a reminder that my viewpoint is always best, sometimes I need to see the other side and find the beauty. It's always there, sometimes just out of sight.

Change your lens, see the beauty, change your life.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 10

Today I was lucky enough to go on an almost 10 mile hike with a friend of mine. We haven't seen each other in a number of months, but it's lovely to just pick up where we left off. We hikes along a river, in the shade of the trees, along the rails of an old track and were lucky enough to spot a number of bald eagles enjoying the bounty of the river. Yes, for those wondering I was behaving and wearing my ankle brace, it was also mostly flat and level terrain. Nothing too strenuous for my about healed ankle. It was a lovely day.

Then I came home and it was back to reality: chores, dinner, kid chaos, etc. Life sometimes hits you smack upside the head when you return. I lost all my happiness from my hike as I was enveloped into the mess that can be my life. It was crushing me that I was losing that peace and happiness. I took a moment to play my "highlight reel"; you know the snippets of memories that are guaranteed to make you smile. It made me then realize that that was what I was thankful for today.

I'm thankful for that highlight reel, the ability to recall those happy, joyful moments, even if the situation around them has changed. While it may not have made me return to my previous level of joy and happiness, the fact that I have a highlight reel and can use it are big gifts. Do you have a highlight reel?

30 Days of Thanks: Day 8 & 9

I promise it's not a cop out! I had no intentions of combing these 2 days, but last night I celebrate a dear friend's birthday and it was 2am when I got home. So this mama went to bed!

Day 8: Yesterday I was thankful for good friends, company and my first official Philly Cheesesteak. I am blessed with some good friends and we went out to celebrate his birthday with cheesesteaks. It was a perfect end to an otherwise emotional rollercoaster of a week.

Day 9: Today is a little different. I have been home being an adult: cleaning, laundry, etc. It's not been overly fun, but it was much needed. I did get to spend some time sewing, which I haven't done in almost a year. I'll post pictures of the final product when I wear it. It's not the most beautiful thing, but it will work perfectly for what I have designed it for! Today I'm thankful for the gift of time. The time to get done what needed to be done, along with time to do a fun project.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 7

Today is a simple day of thanks. I'm thankful for music. Music speaks to me in so many ways, and allows me access to emotions that I may otherwise ignore. You can play a certain song that will bring me to tears or make me smile and laugh. Music triggers memories, and can often leave me with a sense of peace, despite the contrasting emotions.

Last evening music brought me to my knees, tears upon tears upon tears. Song after song reminded me of changes, feelings and allowed a release of unknown pent-up emotion. From The Greatest Showman's A Million Dreams to the amazing cover of it by P!nk it will never cease to strike me with emotion. Hearing the song in person at Hugh Jackman's concert brought me to tears. That's just me, who I am. Music has always been a way for me to connect and reflect my emotions. I'm thankful for that gift, as I know that not everyone connects that intimately to music.

I don't know how anyone can hear Chris Lane's Big Big Plans and not feel his emotion, or the love that Scotty McCreery has for his wife in This Is It. Don't like country? That's fine. What about the raw power behind Disturb's remake of The Sound of Silence. That one just gives me chills. Or the magical blending of Leon Bridges and Luke Combs in Beyond. I love the power and energy and feel of Leon Bridges' music, but this collaboration amazes me. Lately, if I know I need to process something, on goes P!nk's latest album Hurts 2B Human. I can say enough about all the different emotions that her music evokes.

I could go on, but at the core of it all is that I'm thankful for the music and the intimacy it creates.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 6

This morning and most of the day I had a number of ideas about what I wanted to write about tonight, but now as I sit down to write I've forgotten all of them. That's what happens when you have an anxiety spike. Your brain shuts down and you have to fight for every second. It's exhausting in ways you can't imagine unless you suffer from it yourself. There are moments that I will take the post-marathon/long run exhaustion and soreness over the relentless nature of anxiety. Today's spike came generally without warning, though tomorrow, assuming it has passed, I may be able to see the signs. Regardless, I sit here trying to find something to be thankful and grateful for. Sure, there are canned things like my health, my kids, their health, etc. but they wouldn't be genuine. My goal throughout this blog is to be genuine. What you read is me to my core, it might be filtered for the sake of protecting individuals, but the emotions behind it all are real.

I could cheat and look on facebook to see what I was thankful for last year on this day, but again, I'd know I'm not being honest. Honesty is a quality that I value highly. I'd rather you be honest with me about things than lie or avoid or ignore. Honesty takes a certain amount and type of courage that you don't often see these days. To the men and women that I know that are truly honest with me I thank you. And there it is: I'm thankful for the gift of honesty.

It may not always be well received, but it's always appreciated.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 5

The cool thing about being a mom is the mom community. I have all different kinds of mom friends in my life. I have the working moms (full time and part time). The stay at home moms (you ladies are amazing!). The single working moms (that's me!) and the moms that don't quite fall into any of those categories.

I used to be that last mom. When I became a mom I was a grad student; I didn't have a job, but I did attend school full time. I certainly didn't fit in with the new stay at home moms, and working moms didn't relate to my school struggles. It was a pretty lonely period from the mom-friend standpoint. On top of that I was the only grad student my age at that time that was a new parent. The other grad students were newlyweds, single/dating or at least 10 years my senior. It really set me apart from that group of peers as well. Then it didn't help that I kept popping out babies in grad school, so much so that I was once introduced at a major meeting for our department as the perpetually pregnant one.....

Anyhow, I've lost my track a bit here. See the thing about being a mom is that we're all moms just trying to not screw up our kids. We all want the best for them; we just do it differently. The one thing I've learned over my last 12.5 years of doing this is that none of our kids come with instructions and they're never a one size fits all approach. When you find the right Mom community things just click. Whether you're the Pinterest mom, soccer mom, dance mom, no activity mom, free-range mom, etc. we're all still just Moms at our core. I belong to a very select group of Mom groups on facebook, as so many I had joined weren't for me. This is even more so post-divorce. I don't want to listen to how your significant other did not clean up the vomit at 3am to your Martha Stewart standards, when you need to be grateful you had the assistance. And the reverse is true that those groups don't want to listen to me whine about doing it all myself with minimal help. Thus I consider myself blessed to have my 2 special communities, as well as my in-person friends.

I'm thankful for my mom friends that come in all different shapes, sizes and styles.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 4

Mondays are my day off. It's my chance to catch up on stuff while the kids are at school. Today I got to have brunch with a friend, which was a nice perk. It made me realize how lucky I am to:

1. have a weekday off every week
2. have friends willing to join me on my day off for a meal

I typically use my day offs for errands, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, etc. Today was a special day since I dedicated some time to truly just relax and be me. It's something that I am working on more and more, finding that balance between the "must do" and "want to do". I'm certainly a happier person when I take those much needed breaks and slow down. It's some of the crazy life lessons I've learned over the past few years.

Which brings me to my thankfulness acknowledgement of the day. Today, I'm thankful and grateful for the safe space that my therapist provides and the counsel. She is an amazing individual and we all should have someone in our lives like that. I know I've written about her before, but today I just wanted to take the time to recognize the work she does. This woman has guided me from a high anxiety state where I was functioning, but not thriving barely surviving, into a life where I am living and loving and enjoying life. She's graced me with the tools I need, held space when I needed to meltdown. Coached me through the meltdowns and allowed me the space to recreate me. Even when sharing my most vulnerable moments and intimate secrets I knew I was safe.

I learned that my emotions matter, that I was important. That my trauma was real and was my reality. I learned how to heal from my trauma, over and over and over again. I learned coping skills for when my anxiety skyrockets and I want to stay in bed forever, go on a crazy long run, or escape to the forest. I learned to recognize the warning signs of my anxiety and tactics to prevent the spirals.

She did not heal me; I healed me. She provided the safe space, tools and guidance so I could make the decisions I needed to make, recognize my own self worth and heal and grow. To my amazing unnamed therapist: THANK YOU.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 3

Ya'll it's been a day. We had church this morning where our pastor addressed the recent suicide in our community this week. There were so many tears and the entire church was grieving, including me, and I didn't know this wonderful young girl. What a way to start Sunday.

Then my kids, my dear sweet kids, drove me up the ever loving wall this afternoon. I should explain. I have been having significant issues getting them to pickup after themselves. As I tell them I do not expect my/our house to look magazine perfect, but goodness I would like to be able to enter their rooms and really walk. Not step gingerly over clutter, trash and clothes. After almost 6 months of being on them to clean up this mama had enough. I told them my last weekend with them that we no longer were going to have "fun" mom weekends, we were going to clean, organize and purge until I was satisfied. So, on that last weekend with them, we started. They worked in their rooms, we emptied part of the attic and cleaned and purged. This weekend we did the same thing. It involves me starting a personal project on my own stuff, running over to help someone else, separating the boys, putting someone back on task, returning to my project, etc. Over and over and over again- ALL DAY LONG. It's dang exhausting, physically and emotionally. And then B, the 8 year old, says "hey mama" and I've been "hey mama"-ed about 10000x times today and I about lose it on her. I can't help but answer with a short, exasperated "WHAT?!" and it's "what am I supposed to do with ....." You know the thing I told her to do 5x already that she forgot because she was being willfully disobedient. Needless to say, it was a rough day here in this household.

It left me wondering what I was going to be thankful for tonight. I'm certainly not truly thankful/grateful for the "stuff" that we have. I am thankful that we have had generous friends and family that have gifted us with so much, that we are able now to pass along to others. But that's not the spirit of things that I want at this moment. I've been pondering it for the past few hours, and nothing has felt genuine until I realized what S, my oldest did today. This gal tackled organizing an area in the attic that has been neglected, reorganized stuff that her siblings had just placed randomly on shelves and then sorted through 2 boxes of miscellaneous craft supplies, birthday cards, old balloons, etc (stuff I have saved to scrapbook). She did it without complaint and joyously as times. She fielded my short, if you find any anniversary cards, etc please just put them in recycle comment without batting an eye.

Thus, on day 3, I'm thankful for my eldest's gift of organization and service today.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 2

Short and sweet: I'm thankful for my dear friend Pete. He's been there over this crazy journey the past 4 years. I can't say enough how much I appreciate him.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 1

I typically attempt to do the #30daysofthanks of Facebook, but invariably miss a few days. This year I opted to switch it up and post it here. This allows me the option to write more, reflect more and be more candid.

It's November 1st and we're all coming down off a sugar high from yesterday's trick or treat extravaganza. I'll be honest, I wanted nothing more than to stay in my warm bed, sleep, read a book, watch hiking videos on YouTube and drink warm beverages today. Bonus if I would get to share those things with someone special, but alas it's a Friday and work calls with an 8am meeting. That being said it was a productive, yet frustrating day at work when I realized I had lost all of my work on a project and had to start from scratch. On top of that I had promised it to the people today, so I was on a deadline to recreate a week's worth of work in under 8 hours. Thankfully, I found a few shortcuts and was able to put it out for them as promised.

This leads me to my first thankfulness post:

I am thankful for being able to work well under pressure.

It's saved me a number of times and drives me when I need it. I know that not everyone thrives under pressure, and there are certainly times when I do not, but today was not one of them. For that, I am grateful.