2 Years

Two years ago I walked into a quaint little coffee shop for a first date, slightly nervous, yet excited to meet this cute guy who had a distinct sense of humor that made me smile. Over iced matcha lattes we lost track of time sharing stories, laughing, and finding a rhythm that has become part of who we are. Today we celebrate 2 years of dating.

Two years of adventures; from snowboarding trips, concerts, breweries, whitewater rafting, and hiking, to family dinners, kitchen adventures, backyard fires, and plumbing mishaps we have certainly experienced quite a range. It has not been easy, combining our very different lives into this one that we are creating. Moving from a single mom of 4 very busy teenagers to being in this relationship has challenged me. It has brought old traumas to the surface and forced me to confront them, while navigating the needs of our relationship. We have misunderstandings and communication breakdowns, each of us navigating our past while trying to find what works for this relationship. Even in the difficult times I know he supports me, loves me, and wants me to take care of me.

We tell each other on occasion that if you had told us at the end of that first date that we'd be where we are today neither of us would believe it. Sitting sipping our beverages there was no way to know that he'd help me find a passion in snowboarding, we'd encourage each other's creative sides, and that I'd help him love the outdoors more than just in a single season. There was no way to see how well he interacts with my crew and how they have come to care for him, and how we are finding our way as a little family of 6. Reflecting at dinner last night over the past 2 years it amazes us both at times, and while there was minimal talk of what was to come we know that there is more. 

This is a season of change for me, with one graduating high school and the others following directly behind her it is difficult to plan and even more difficult for me to imagine what my life will look like when Miss B graduates in 2029. What I do know is that I am excited to have him by my side as we navigate this together.

A Year of Change

From snowboarding to scones to fondue and cheesecake it was a weekend of food and memories. I had the pleasure of spending the weekend celebrating a milestone birthday with my guy. We hit the indoor slopes on Friday to snowboard, enjoyed dinners with parents on different nights, family bonding, and plenty of time just as us. I spoiled him with a few of his favorite foods, and he enjoyed, and is still enjoying, discovering penguins hidden throughout his house. Presents were opened and to quote him "It was a perfect weekend."

It was quite the contrast to where we were 1 year ago. A year ago we had just broken up, as our relationship was simply too much for both of us. I was in denial that it was too much, but in truth the traumas that we had both experienced over the past 6+ months were impacting us, and impacting the relationship that we were building. There was a mutual respect for each other and an agreement to stay in touch. We both knew that the other was a person that we still wanted in our life, yet something had to change. His genuine heart, unique perspectives, and ability to make me laugh were not things that I wanted to lose. Even though I did not want to lose contact with him I knew that space was needed for both of us. I needed to grieve this change, find my footing, and more forward in healthy ways. It provided me the opportunity for growth and clarity, demonstrating that I did not collapse, my world did not collapse, when something unexpected occurred.

These lessons came after the spring of 2023 where everything burned and my world appeared to be no more. Only 6 months later arrived the ending of something special, and I found myself sad, upset, and yet still standing with strength I did not have prior. I also had hope. I had hope for the continued friendship of us. While our contact was extremely minimal at first it grew slowly and tentatively. We had to navigate being only friends while still processing our previous traumas and growing into our own. As the time progressed there was still a hesitancy, but glimmers of our connection appeared. And when I opened the discussion of snowboarding the barriers began to fall faster. 

He helped me navigate and plan to take my crew snowboarding for the first time. His generous nature shining through and overwhelming at every turn and text. With a common goal we found ourselves in more frequent communication and our friendship growing. There were some challenging moments, but with the pressure of an intimate relationship removed the communication was easier. Laughter came frequently and the night we went to dinner as friends is one that I like to revisit in my head. While there were a few moments that challenged me the hours we spent chatting and laughing reminded me so much of our previous dates that I was extremely happy to have him back in my life. It was these moments and the ones following that strengthened our friendship and carried us through the holidays of 2023.

Two and half months following our break-up we found ourselves starting again. It was unexpected, and yet it felt right. Slowly we have found our way, and this was a capstone weekend for us. It was a year of change, a year of growth, and a year of falling in love with ourselves and each other.

      

30 Days of Thanks: November 30, 2020

It's Monday, a full moon, and the end of the month. Tomorrow dawns the last month of 2020, and this post should be a beautiful summary of all of the gratitude that I have recorded over the past 30 days, yet it will not. I could certainly write all of that, but it would not ring true as that is not where my head and heart are at this moment.

Tonight, as I sit here hurting, I am thankful for the ability to love deeply, to be that vulnerable with my heart and myself. I sit tonight with tears in my eyes, sadness present, and fighting the instinct to shut it all down. For when you love openly and vulnerably you may hurt, and my heart wants to protect itself. It is yelling, screaming, pleading to close down, throw up the walls, hide away, and protect! protect! protect! Instead, I sit here letting those feeling wash over me, the tears flowing freely, dripping on my keyboard, my open pages of the letter I wrote but will not send. It simply hurts. It is old traumas coming to surface, it is new experiences intermingling with the old and a moment for cleansing and healing.

I am thankful for the ability to know that I can love that vulnerably. I am thankful for the previous experiences that allow me enough vision in this painful moment to recognize that the instinctual withdrawal is a protective mechanism and I have a choice. I can lean into the pain, or I can flee. You can read here that I chose the pain; fleeing does nothing expect create more trauma. With that I sit here wondering the path forward, yet knowing that in this moment I cannot see the path, nor could I safely choose a path. Choosing a path in this moment would be to grasp the thorny stem of the rose with a fist and squeeze, painful and a poor choice. I will trust that the next steps of the path are there, just hidden under the leaves.

Love, and loving openly, is a gift, and as it blooms so does the individual. I choose to bloom.

30 Days of Thanks: November 22, 2020

Today I am thankful for time. I have had time to spend this weekend with my children without the chaos and hustle of prepping Thanksgiving. With the rising covid numbers and new state restrictions I made the difficult decision to cancel our annual Friendsgiving dinner. It was just not going to feasible or what we would all enjoy with the current state of affairs, so this weekend we had time. We raked leaves, had a mini-Friends marathon, watched some movies, made popcorn and just had time. 

The enjoyable part of this entire covid experience is time. Without the hustle we have time, time to bond (and yes to fight), time to teach (and argue), time to connect and disconnect. This weekend I taught one child to make a pecan pie, and another how to use the meat grinder. I taught two of them that cooking is a following a recipe, but also reading and understanding the recipe and moving beyond it. We had some fun opportunities because of the gift of time.

It's not all rose colored glasses, as we did have moments of screaming and yelling, and poor attitudes for everyone, myself included, but we are learning to be more harmonious. S is willing to use the table saw to cut the bamboo that everyone else has gathered so they can make some fighting sticks, or try to build a teepee. G is outside playing more, while D is off gathering a friend to come over. My swingset is covered in branches and bamboo from the collections of B, all of which is happening because of this gift of time. Yes we fight and struggle, but there is much love coming from our gift of time. 

When we no longer have limits on gatherings and life has returned to something more traditional I hope that my children, and myself, can reflect on this period not with bitterness, but with love. We have grown in our love because of the gift of time. 

30 Days of Thanks: November 19, 2020

Love.

It's a simple word, but intricately complex. It finds us at unexpected times, wrapping us, carrying us and reminding us that we are necessary, vital, and worthy. We can spend ages seeking it, when it is there, in the simple hug from a child, a text from a friend, or even a smile across the room or zoom. We have our friends that we love, family that we love, partners that we love, children, and animals too. There is a love for the land, and a love for the community, all of which manifest in our lives in multitudes if we only recognize it as love.

I see the love of my virtual community in their comments, likes, sharing and engagement. I see the love of my friends and family with the texts and calls and visits. I see the love in my children when I get my goodnight hugs, asking to turn out their lights, and their desire to share their day with me. I see the love of my coworkers in the thank you's, acknowledgements of my efforts (and others) and the generosity of spirit they demonstrate in caring for their patients and families. 

I love often through giving, whether it's cooking a meal or a treat, writing words of encouragement, or sending a package, that's how I often express my love. My children hear I love you daily, my friends, not nearly often enough. I choose to express it more through my actions than my words, in hopes that they will experience the love that way. I struggle with the verbal vulnerability of saying I love you to my friends. This year, while challenging in so many ways, I have had to face that vulnerability directly. It has presented it's own difficulties and I am thankful for the courage to face it.

Why is it so challenging? Divorce, loss of love, an entire upheaval of your life and beliefs changes your heart. With the ending of my marriage I retreated, holding my love close to me and my children. I was still generous with offerings, but certainly more cautious. If something that was supposed to be indestructible (my marriage) had failed, I reasoned that I was unloveable, unwanted and unneeded in society except for my children and parents, unworthy. While my divorce set me free in many ways, it also restricted my heart. I refused to allow people into my space for a significant fear of being hurt or found lacking. Through lots of work in therapy, and out, on the trauma of the divorce and other aspects of my life, I began to soften, allow a few people into my sacred space, yet I still remained apart, unable to trust someone with me.

There was discontent, a desire to belong, be a part of a community, yet the fear reigned. Fear trumped love. As I studied love in all of it's different forms I found myself being surrounded with it, enveloped, and discovered that even in the darkest moments of anxiety and depression there had been love, I had just been denying it. Recognizing love, accepting love meant being vulnerable, a place I was not comfortable, a place that triggered fear and anxiety. There is no security in vulnerability, only trust, faith, and hope. I had to choose: lead with love or lead with fear. I choose to lead with love, and that meant embracing my vulnerable self and sharing her. It was time to find someone with whom I could trust me. In opening myself I gained not only 1 person who I could trust, but an intimate group. For these individuals I am grateful. For these opportunities to be raw, vulnerable, and me I am thankful. For the growth in the past 10 months I am thankful. Yet, as I feel myself at the point of a significant change I feel the pull of leading with fear, and must find my courage to leap with love.

Today I am thankful for love, for vulnerability, for trust, for community.

30 Days of Thanks: November 16-17, 2020

There are moments in my life where it would have been a big deal to me to have missed a day in my 30 days of thanks posting. Yesterday evening I was exhausted, physically primarily, but also emotionally. These past 2 weeks have challenged me, upended what was my routine and made me feel like I was no longer grounded. I am finding my footing again and working through my fears to release them. I barely had it in me to write in my journal, there was nothing left to compose a thankful post.

Today, I am thankful that I acknowledged and recognized that in myself yesterday and skipped my post. The world did not end, and I did not suffer, in fact I gained a few extra minutes of much needed sleep not writing. 

I am also thankful that I am learning balance. Not "to balance" but balance. I am great, excellent at balancing and juggling, taking on more tasks and rearranging things, balancing them. I am working on balance, that place of no longer juggling the balls or spinning the plates, but more focused time on individual areas. It does not mean that I do not have competing interests, it means I am working on prioritizing tasks, family, projects, friends, and most of all me. Just because I can do something, does not mean I have to do it, I am delegating and learning to say no. I always find it easier to say no for other people, or protect their own interests, property, etc, but mine, not as much.

Over the past 2 years I have been claiming more of my own, learning to protect more of my own time and talents, yet I still will over exert myself. I am thankful for the growing into balance. I am far from done, but thankful and grateful to be on the journey. Balance leads to peace, and peace will propagate more love. I choose to have a life of live, joy, and balance.

30 Days of Thanks: November 11, 2020

A simple conversation is all it takes. I didn't know that my anxiety was still bubbling until a few minutes into a phone call and I found myself in near tears, almost ready to pick a fight. I took a breath, and then another, told my friend that the words were hurtful to me, even if not intentioned and we worked through it together. A simple communication of feelings on both sides and an understanding reached, and now, in reflection I can see that that moment and the resulting time connecting helped me relieve the anxiety.

How can I not be thankful for anxiety relief? How can I not be thankful for communication with openness and love? How can I not be thankful for the healing provided tonight?

I am thankful, grateful, blessed even. I sit here now with tears of gratitude in my eyes for someone who so cares about me, loves me, and sees me. This year has been incredibly challenging for so many of us and though there is much I think I would change, I know that because of this year I have forged an intimate bond that feeds my soul.

I started this year with my word of intention: adventure. I know that this year has been an adventure, though not the one I pictured with ample hiking, a backpacking trip in Colorado, a weekend in Sedona, and so much more. I have hiked, I have backpacked even, though not in those places and I never made it to Sedona. Adventure has found me in the chaos of 2020 and I have found adventure. In the adventure I have found love and gratitude and community.

I have been blessed with an incredible mentor, one who leads with so much heart and compassion that I am humbled and in awe. Speaking tonight with him helped me heal my heart and soothe my anxiety. How can I not be thankful?

Tonight the gratitude pours off me in waves, gathers in the corners of my eyes as tears, and pounds through me as my heart beats. Gratitude for a soul connection.

Single Parent Secrets

There is so much the world doesn't see with single parenting. The parents who feel guilty enjoying their kid-free time and then the guilt that comes when they arrive home and you're secretly wishing for just 1 more hour, 1 more day of quiet before love and chaos resumes. There's juggling the finances around so they can participate in school events, activities and all of those things, while managing 2-3 jobs to make it all work. Then working that much so you're tired A LOT, and feeling guilty when you want to spend a little of that hard-earned money on yourself. All of these are more visible aspects of single parent life.

What no one shares is the tears at night, the tears driving to and from work, and the journals where you share your fears, concerns and emotions that come with single parenting. The moments that you wish someone was there to carry your load for just a moment so you can breathe, give you a hug or hold your hand so you can get through it. I'm often told "I don't know how you do it." I do it because I have to, there is no one else. I have primary custody of my beautiful kids, so that means I carry the brunt of it all. Please don't get me wrong, I know my kids' father loves, cares and worries about them, but it's different when you are the primary caregiver. It doesn't matter how great of a support system you have, there are just times at 2am that you want to roll over, and share that burden. You want to have late night talks about how you're going to manage it all and even if you can't find a solution you know you have assistance. Those are the issues that single parents who were formerly a duo don't discuss. We don't discuss it because getting divorced is still taboo in many senses. 

Divorce is often viewed as the easy option, for people who quit, can't make it work, didn't try hard enough. So tell me again why I would share the sense of loss I feel when I'm struggling with an issue about my kids? Then you're conflicted because you feel like your energy and emotions should be poured into your child, but there's a very real sense of loss and singularity that happens in conjunction with it. I am stressed and upset about my child/children and then upset because I'm on my own in it. Moving from a 2 parent household to a single has so many more ramifications that most people can imagine. I know that not every 2 parent household has equal parenting burdens, but there is always the illusion that there is another adult there in which to share. Many of us cling to (or clung to) those illusions as a coping mechanism. There is no illusion in single parenthood. All it takes is to look in the mirror and you can there view your support system.

I have a support system, but they're not available all the time. They lead lives, have families and are often busy, just like I am. As much as they love me there are just times when they don't have time to talk, as much as they say they'll always have time they can't; it's not feasible. Sometimes your support system fails you through no fault of their own and sometimes your support system wants to fix you, fix the situation, and all you really want is someone to just walk with you through the rough patch. I am strong enough, capable enough, and independent enough to do what I need to do, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate someone to hold that space for me. Everyone needs people like that in their lives, not just single parents, and while I do, they're again not always available. So, as a single parent you do what you can, and sometimes that means having your support system be on point and sometimes it means crying yourself to sleep at night. In those latter instances you remind yourself that you are not truly alone, but if you're like me anxiety tries to spin another tale which leaves you exhausted as you're carrying multiple emotional burdens and now battling anxiety. 

Do you see why everyone says I'm so strong?

Do you see why everyone wonders how I do it?

Do you see why many single parents struggle to ask for help?

Do you see why I mean it when I say call me at 2am or 3am?

Do you see my secrets now?

This is 40

In the past few months I have come to acknowledge the power of 40. Forty is not the naive youth of your 20s, nor the growth and experiences of your 30s, but the acceptance of your own being and recognition of your own power. Each decade before brought it's own growth, challenges and joy, and while I expect that the 40s will do the same there is a unique magic to 40. It comes with a dread and becomes an adventure.

At 40, a single, divorced mom of 4, I am more grounded than I was in the previous years. This does not come from age alone, but the internal growth I have undergone. Forty means stepping into my power, acknowledging who I am and accepting who I am. It is seeing me for me, loving her, even the parts I would change, and showing her to the world with the statement "I am me." For at 40 I can see me, the woman with the hips that carried 4 children; legs that have run marathons, chased children and hiked countless miles; a belly marked with stripes from carrying children; and hazel eyes that have seen joy, destruction, beauty, pain, love, and hope.

I have spent much of my life fighting myself, never quite fitting in, using that as my shield and torch. I am setting down those props and embracing my uniqueness with love. I will never be the one who spends weekends with lifelong childhood friends, driving through a neighborhood I have lived all my life. Instead, I am the one who has childhood friends across the states, friends with whom I can stay at a moment's notice, picking up right where we need to, despite a decade apart. Friends in Texas, Michigan, Florida, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, to name a few. I will always have a unique tribe, and it's something I enjoy, and at 40 am embracing with love. In fighting myself I faced every challenge alone, refusing to allow help. When the world said it was nearly impossible to complete a task, I would tell the world to sit down and watch me. It was set as a gauntlet, a challenge, not from a place of love. And you all did- you watched me fight through earning my PhD with 4 kids and husband; you watched me struggle with a license, housing and finances; you watched me battle the anxiety that was here pre-divorce and in earnest post-divorce. Now, at 40, I see my mistakes, when the task is nearly impossible I can complete it alone, but I can share the burden. I can chose to go forth in love or in fear.

At 40, I chose to go forth in love.

This is 40:

• seeing the woman in the mirror and loving her crinkles at her eyes, the light in her eyes, and all the little imperfections
• understanding that accepting help does not make you weaker, but stronger
• learning that love comes in all forms
• following passion and dreams, not only for yourself, but to model to your children
• finding the rhythms of parenting 4 unique individuals and accepting that you are never going to have all the answers
• accepting the situation at hand and then changing what you can
• taking risks, refusing to let fear and anxiety dictate
• choosing a life less ordinary and crafting it
• finding the courage in large and small situations to express my opinion, needs and desires regardless of the outcome

At 40, I go forth in love.

"Love belongs with belonging" ~Brené Brown

First off, the title of this post is a direct quote from Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection. I have started this book at least twice before and never made it past the first chapter or 2. It brought me to tears and made me so raw and uncomfortable that I put it down, vowing I would get back to it. After this summer of growth and a desire to keep growing it has been on my list to start again. A few weeks ago I picked it up and read the first 2 chapters. Did it hurt? Yes. Was I able to process her writing? Yes, which was a first for me.

This morning I picked up the book again and vowed to make it through another chapter. This chapter is about Love and Belonging. I won't delve into it, you need to get the book. But throughout the chapter she stresses that love and belonging belong together, and that belonging is different than fitting in. I had an epiphany, realizing that I have spent a large portion of my adult life working on fitting in, but not belonging. I can "fit" into many situations, I attribute this to the very different life experiences I had growing up. I can chameleon myself into a specific version of me. And truth be told it's uncomfortable at times. Always hiding, changing, evolving into this other version of me. I will never forget in grad school being told by my advisor to tone down my "yankeeness" and rely more on my "Texas roots." In response to that I do believe that I ended up playing up my northernness more because that's who I felt I was at that time. But really? I'm a combination of NorthEast girl with some Texan tendencies.

Luckily, this summer on that fateful first trip to Madison I found me. That raw, real me. The one who can be snarky and sweet, but also fierce and loving. The woman who still mails handwritten letters to friends, delivers homemade applesauce to deserving friends, would drive 2 hours to see you and who loves her kids fiercely with all her heart. I got to be me on that trip and it was freeing. I wasn't a mom, a partner or any other role but me. In fact, my dear friend that I made in Madison pointed out to me as I complained about wearing multiple hats (roles) that they're just hats and I can get rid of them easily and just be me. He was lucky enough to see that raw, vulnerable me in Madison and remind me later of who I am. I'm sure this is a reason that we are still friends despite the distance the short time we spent together. He accepted the raw me and loved me (as a friend) as I was.

So how do I become that raw vulnerable me here in my everyday life? It is something I am going to have to work at. It's so easy to slip into our roles: mom, coach, therapist, analyst, friend, etc. I will have to practice being me; raw, vulnerable me in each of these roles. It will not be easy, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me to let that vulnerability out, but I will not hide. I have hidden so much of myself, especially the last 3 years, that this might be one of the most important undertakings. In recognizing myself and practicing living as me, I know that I will experience that true belonging I have been lacking.

The fallout

Yesterday I shared with you my struggles with anxiety and the day that never ended. I woke up this morning surrounded by the love and support from so many of you. I think I have personally thanked each and everyone of you, but if I missed you please know that it meant a lot to me. It means a lot that you take the time to read my words and then to follow up and check on me.

In the most part today presented with less anxiety, but I did have an emotional hangover. If you've never had one, then count yourself lucky. Waking up exhausted, out of sorts and raw all over. You're on edge, because you don't know what's going to set you off, nor how you may react. You want an example, I became teary on my drive to work over a song. It's crazy how much our emotions can have a physical toll on our body. In addition to the physical fatigue, I had mental fatigue by 9am and my day was just ramping up. The emotional rollercoaster of prolonged anxiety from a previous day at times seems never ending. Really it would have been best to take a personal day and sort myself out, but it wasn't a luxury I had today with all the meetings that I needed to attend and run.

I will say I spent part of the morning teary at all the love and support followed by increasing anxiety through some stressful meetings. It was at some of those moments that I received texts and messages from some friends- that my friends is exactly what I needed. Again, I thank you.

In all honesty, the fallout wasn't as bad as I expected. I have had anxiety spirals that have been less and given me more issues the following day. I attribute today to increased contact from all of you and improving coping skills. I was also lucky enough to know that I had a therapy session this evening, and that I was able to follow it up with a nice run outside. Sometimes that double combination is enough to clear everything from me. I wasn't that lucky today, but I am feeling so much better than last night. Thank you again for all the love and support. Please use these posts as a reminder to reach out to your friends and family, you never know how one little text may brighten someone's day.