Roots

I sat in the car, eyes full of tears, and as the procession exited and headed towards to the church I thought to myself, "please don't let us go by the house." Yet, at the familiar stop light we made a left turn and then a right turn, and I found myself being driven down the street where my father grew up, and the last stable, tangible piece of my childhood. The house grew closer, it's grey-blue front, the driveway, the porch, and though it no longer belonged to our family, I could see within and feel the love and laughter. The tears fell slowly as we drove by on our way to one of the churches of my childhood to celebrate the life of my paternal grandfather. Roots, I reminded myself, it is roots, and though your last grandparent has passed you have your parents, your extended family, and your own family.

It has been almost 8 years since the passing of my grandfather, the man with whom I played cards, took me bowling, out to eat, made me laugh, and told me stories upon stories. He was at all of my graduations, helped me move into college (more than once), and gifted me with the most incredible pasta rolling pin. He was the last of my grandparents to pass, the final deep root that kept me anchored. Growing up moving around the country I always knew that no matter what I had my extended family, my grandparents back in the hometown of my parents; it was the one constant in my life. With his passing I was uprooted, and while I knew I had my parents, my own family, and my extended family, everything was different. 

Six weeks ago I lost my my longest childhood friend, another root removed. After battling illnesses for 4 years she passed away, a month shy of her 44th birthday. A leap baby, I would tease her about her age, yet in truth she had more wisdom and grace and compassion than most of us. Jess was my kindergarden friend. The one person that managed to keep track of me despite me moving away at the age of 8 and then moving multiple more times.

In the midst of my undergraduate years she found my email and we emailed occasionally. Nothing too frequent, nor anything too in-depth, but the connection was there, yet life took over and we lost touch again. With the advent of Facebook we reconnected and finally we connected in person, 20+ years in the making. When I divorced it was the catalyst our friendship needed, pushing us into a new space as I tried to find my footing as a single parent.

Jess became the person I would call when I was on a long drive; she was the person I called when life was good, when life was crap, and everything in-between. We laughed a lot, cried some, and she offered insight, guidance and simply held space. The past 6 months she was the person I left messages for every morning; a check-in on my day, a well-wish for her for the day, and a promise to connect.

When my life fell apart last year I could always count on Jess, despite the fact that she was ill herself and dealing with ongoing medical issues. Jess held space like no other. We made plans to celebrate her discharge from the hospital with a bonfire like no other. We made plans to celebrate her birthday with cheesecake and laughter and kitty snuggles. The last month of her life we sent voice memos, endless voice memos, simply unable to connect on the phone, and when we finally did briefly it was with a plan to catch-up again soon. It never happened. 

I lay prone upon my bed the night of her passing, unable to move, tears that would simply not come, despite knowing I needed them. What was I going to do? Another root, another stable point gone, and I knew in that moment, without fully understanding, that life had changed again. There are still so many mornings and so many drives that I pick up my phone to leave her a voice memo, to call her to chat, and I simply cannot, so I speak to her, knowing that somewhere she is listening. At times it helps, at others it is nothing more than an exercise in futility and I fight back the tears for my loss. She's happier and healthier where she is, yet I find myself again uprooted, working to create new roots, new anchors.

If I close my eyes and listen I can hear her telling me that I am rooted, that I have my children, my parents, my ancestors, my widespread friend circle, and a new path, a new root growing. She would tell me that my maple is more rooted than I believe, and to listen to the heartbeat of my forest.

Jess and I at her 40th

Bend October

I stood up at the river, turned my back on the Deschutes, went to pick up my backpack and the tears came instantly. They took me by surprise, yet they should not have as I had been crying intermittently all day. The last day of a momentous trip and the emotions overtook me. I turned back to face the river and allowed the tears to fall as I sobbed quietly. When they slowed I donned my sunglasses and backpack and walked along the gravel path back into downtown Bend, keeping the river on my left. Tears appeared at times as I walked along the path towards my final meal in Bend. I knew that as I walked I was leaving a piece of myself in Bend.

I shortly came upon the pedestrian bridge, my thoughts instantly drawn to the previous Saturday, and I walked on, yet a few steps later I turned, drawn back to stand on the bridge and look out over the river towards the mountains. I stepped on the wooden planks, uneven, studded with screws, and walked to the middle. The sun shone over my shoulder and I stood simply letting the tears gather. I knew I needed to mark that moment, and I recorded some videos, unsure of exactly what I wanted to say. I let the tears fall as I expressed my gratitude, my joy, and even my sorrow. 

Saturday, October 8th marked the completion of the first scouting hike of the American Perimeter Trail. My best friend, my business partner, and one of the most important people in my life walked the pedestrian bridge over the Deschutes River into Drake Park in Bend, OR completing a 3 year journey. As I watched him cross that bridge I smiled, I laughed, I cheered, and I was overwhelmed. With a smile, tears in his eyes and a swing of his flag he completed the loop. I thought I would cry, instead I smiled, we hugged, we laughed, and I was overwhelmed with it all. Another demarcation in my life, one of joy, sweetness, and a lot of dedication and work. A moment made possible by a simple connection on Instagram, an offer to help, and an acceptance.

The past 3 years were not easy for either of us. There were traumatic moments, changes in course, but most importantly there was connection and a willingness to go forward. At the transition points we talked, we argued, and we found a way to move through as friends and business partners. It has been a gift, a privilege, and an honor to accompany him on this journey, and even now, 6 weeks later, the moment he crossed the bridge brings me to tears. They are tears of joy, gratitude, and love for a friend and a project. A project that was not mine but quickly became my passion, my own project; integrating into so much of life I cannot imagine, do not care to imagine, how the past 3 years would have unfolded without it. 

Now the project moves on a new path and I cannot help but grieve some of what was. It was never perfect, but it was familiar and faced with the unfamiliar there is fear as well as excitement. For nearly 3 years we journeyed to this space, and finding ourselves having crossed here I find more tears. They are powerful tears, ones that hold space for the grief of the loss of the familiar while holding hope for the future. Around the bend we find ourselves.

30 Days of Thanks: November 8

Happy Birthday Pete!

Today I'm thankful for my buddy Pete. Looking at us together you'd never guess that we're such good friends, nor would you fathom that it all came from mornings (and afternoons) at the bus stop. Two mornings a week I walked my kids to the bus and occasionally chatted with this man there, sometimes after school too. Our daughters became fast friends, and still are, and we slowly started connecting. It was Super Bowl parties, backyard fires, and then outings to the local museums and such with kids in tow. Man did we get some looks then!

Pete was there before my marriage fell apart, while it was falling apart he was always there to listen to me, let me cry for a bit, and he's still there. Rides to and from the airport, driving my kids a few places when absolutely necessary, the man is a great friend. Everyone should have a Pete in their life. Here we are over 5 years later and we're still close and out making laughs. 

I am so thankful for all the texts, the facebook posts, instagram shares, and everything else. He can usually make me laugh, and if not he knows he can show up with a drink or his award winning chili and it will cheer me up. For a worst case he knows the perfect bartender to mix us both up a drink. From the little things to the big things I'm thankful for all the Pete has brought into my life.

Happy birthday my friend!

Single Parent Secrets

There is so much the world doesn't see with single parenting. The parents who feel guilty enjoying their kid-free time and then the guilt that comes when they arrive home and you're secretly wishing for just 1 more hour, 1 more day of quiet before love and chaos resumes. There's juggling the finances around so they can participate in school events, activities and all of those things, while managing 2-3 jobs to make it all work. Then working that much so you're tired A LOT, and feeling guilty when you want to spend a little of that hard-earned money on yourself. All of these are more visible aspects of single parent life.

What no one shares is the tears at night, the tears driving to and from work, and the journals where you share your fears, concerns and emotions that come with single parenting. The moments that you wish someone was there to carry your load for just a moment so you can breathe, give you a hug or hold your hand so you can get through it. I'm often told "I don't know how you do it." I do it because I have to, there is no one else. I have primary custody of my beautiful kids, so that means I carry the brunt of it all. Please don't get me wrong, I know my kids' father loves, cares and worries about them, but it's different when you are the primary caregiver. It doesn't matter how great of a support system you have, there are just times at 2am that you want to roll over, and share that burden. You want to have late night talks about how you're going to manage it all and even if you can't find a solution you know you have assistance. Those are the issues that single parents who were formerly a duo don't discuss. We don't discuss it because getting divorced is still taboo in many senses. 

Divorce is often viewed as the easy option, for people who quit, can't make it work, didn't try hard enough. So tell me again why I would share the sense of loss I feel when I'm struggling with an issue about my kids? Then you're conflicted because you feel like your energy and emotions should be poured into your child, but there's a very real sense of loss and singularity that happens in conjunction with it. I am stressed and upset about my child/children and then upset because I'm on my own in it. Moving from a 2 parent household to a single has so many more ramifications that most people can imagine. I know that not every 2 parent household has equal parenting burdens, but there is always the illusion that there is another adult there in which to share. Many of us cling to (or clung to) those illusions as a coping mechanism. There is no illusion in single parenthood. All it takes is to look in the mirror and you can there view your support system.

I have a support system, but they're not available all the time. They lead lives, have families and are often busy, just like I am. As much as they love me there are just times when they don't have time to talk, as much as they say they'll always have time they can't; it's not feasible. Sometimes your support system fails you through no fault of their own and sometimes your support system wants to fix you, fix the situation, and all you really want is someone to just walk with you through the rough patch. I am strong enough, capable enough, and independent enough to do what I need to do, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate someone to hold that space for me. Everyone needs people like that in their lives, not just single parents, and while I do, they're again not always available. So, as a single parent you do what you can, and sometimes that means having your support system be on point and sometimes it means crying yourself to sleep at night. In those latter instances you remind yourself that you are not truly alone, but if you're like me anxiety tries to spin another tale which leaves you exhausted as you're carrying multiple emotional burdens and now battling anxiety. 

Do you see why everyone says I'm so strong?

Do you see why everyone wonders how I do it?

Do you see why many single parents struggle to ask for help?

Do you see why I mean it when I say call me at 2am or 3am?

Do you see my secrets now?

Are you seen?

Everyone tends to think that the 3 most important, most impactful words are "I love you" and while they are powerful and important I think there are 3 more that are even more critical: "I see you". For there are plenty of moments in your life where you are loved, but not seen, not recognized for who you are. When someone says they see you, it not only means they love you, but they recognize you for who you are. How many times have you been in a relationship of any form where you can feel the care and concern, but still not feel seen? Still be invisible?

When you are seen that other individual confirms your existence as you experience it. There is no questioning, just acceptance. A validation of you in that time and space. They see you, accept you and love you. It's a different experience than I love you. If you have someone in your life that sees you and tells you that they see you, you know that this person cares deeply about you. They understand that desire to be visible, accepted, and loved as you are. Too often I love you comes with the desire to change the person or with blinders. You are loved for an idea of who you are, not who you are at your core, an image. This is not false love, that individual does love you, they just don't necessarily see you. It could be because you don't let them see you, or they are unable to view beyond their own boundaries, regardless of the reason there is a difference in the love and being seen.

I have a small group of people that "see" me. There is no need to explain things, though I often do regardless. They see me, understand my desire to explain myself even when not necessary. They see me through the anxiety, remind me that I am me, not my anxiety. They love me, simply for who I am. They tell me I am seen. I am valuable. I am loved. To me, the distinction is important; I do not desire to be loved on a pedestal, I desire to be loved and accepted for who I am. I desire to be seen, accepted for me. Me, the woman, mother, coordinator, therapist, backpacker/hiker, writer, and coach. But most of all me, the soul in a human body. A survivor and thriver of life's experiences; one who is on a path to create a life less ordinary for herself and her children.

So I ask you, who in your life sees you?

Heart

One month ago, on June 2, I dropped my best friend off in a Kroger parking lot in West Virginia to take the next steps to completing a crazy goal. I drove off in tears, consumed with grief at leaving behind my best friend. Driving the 4.5 hours home intermittently crying tears of grief, sadness, frustration and joy. Yes, joy. For you see when I had driven earlier that week to pick up my friend he wasn't my best friend, certainly fairly close, but those few days together, solidified everything and we were suddenly best friends. Despite the tears of grief, those tears of joy existed amongst them. I was happy to have an amazing friendship, one that challenged me, supported me and one in which I was safe, secure and loved. There was grief at leaving him, knowing that it would be months of grueling work on his part to complete this goal; grief at the short time we had together; fear of the unknown, for hiking does involve danger and we have already had enough dangerous encounters these past few months. 

When I volunteered to assist Rue McKenrick with the American Perimeter Trail project I distinctly remember sending him a message that I sincerely hoped that we would be friends as well as business partners. Little did either of us know that we would quickly become friends and in a few short months develop a deep bond of friendship and gain a lifetime best friend. He and I have had a whirlwind of 6 months, from nearly running out of money, hiking through the initial wave of Covid-19, to creating a logo, storefront and building a community; it has been beautiful and chaotic. We juggle the business aspect of the Trail and our friendship, often switching mid-conversation from business to personal and back to business. While it is highly unconventional it works for us. This is no ordinary business or project. This is a project that requires heart, faith and love. You can't connect people to the land and the land to communities without heart.

Heart, it's something I haven't spoken about much here lately. My heart is fully vested into this project, and in committing myself to something larger than me I find my heart opening in new ways. It's challenged me, challenged the experiences I have had over the past 20 years, and I find new pieces of myself frequently. It's been a beautiful gift that I have been given, though not without painful growth. In volunteering for this project I could have never imagined what I would be doing, where I would grow and how it would change me. I know that this project is not temporary, but a lifelong commitment. It fuels my personal goal to living a life less ordinary; teaching my children to chase dreams and that a cookie-cutter life is not the only option. This project and this beautiful friendship are a blessing and a gift, not only for me, but for them as well. I can reflect back over these past 6 months and see immense changes in myself, and it all stems from the changes in my heart. One of the best surprises of the heart has been to observe my children's hearts. I listen to them reflect on how Rue is doing hiking; is he safe? does he have enough food, money? It's statements like tonight that are made at bedtime, "have you spoken with Rue? Is he ok tonight?" that strike my heart and allow me glimpses into the hearts of my children. 

As I open more, they open more. There is less fear, less uncertainty and a more stable, loving life. As they watch me jump in and dedicate my time, heart and energy to this, they follow of their own accord, but also open their own hearts as well. In those moments it brings me tears of joy and disbelief. As a parent you often hope that your children have the ability to act beyond themselves; within this project and my relationship with Rue, I have I have been able to observe their hearts, actions and intentions. I am beyond grateful for those glimpses. So, as I drove away I cried for myself, for my children and for him; for it was not just a leaving of a best friend, but of a piece of myself. Our meeting had been 5 months in the making, and it's another 4 months to the next. I'll see you in Bend Rue.

Rue and I before the drop-off

2019 Wrap Up

I know many people did their wrap ups before now, but I felt compelled to wait until the year and decade had fully concluded. You never know what magic may occur on New Year's Eve. Thus I sit here, late on January 1st of a new year and a new decade reflecting on all that was in 2019.

Oh 2019, there is so much that I could say about you. You were full of so many surprises, personal growth, magic and adventure. I could have never dreamed everything that has happened this year. From the discovery of backpacking to new connections, the consistent theme was the people that made these things possible.

To these individuals below, know you have a special place in my heart and life.

My parents: You have stepped in so much this year in so many ways; from babysitting grandkids and putting them on the bus 4 days a week to yard work and repairs you've made this life a little easier. I surely don't say it enough: Thank you.

J: Thanks for being my listening ears through all the ups and downs of the year. Constantly sending light and love, as well as guidance. You made the downs of this year tolerable and the ups that much more enjoyable.

B: My bud. I can't say enough for the little things for this year from making me laugh or smile on those down moments, giving me advice (even if I didn't always take it) and sending me music. We've had quite a year. I'm so glad we were finally able to make our in person visit, though I wish it had been under better circumstances.

P: From every good morning text to nights at the bar with laughter you're a special friend. Thanks for finally cashing in our bet.

My next door neighbors: You are such wonderful people. You tolerate my crew invading your space and invite them over yourselves. They're always welcome at your house and so many activities. Thank you for being you.

BR: Thanks for still being you and treating me like me. It's been a rough road at times and I know that I can always count on you to still treat me like me, regardless of position. I think it's time for another pizza and beer night.

NN: Thanks for all the brunches and being the sweet woman that you are.

A and L: It's nice to have a small group of women all going through challenges and have the support that you provide. I look forward to our next set of chats, and hopefully we can have one in person in the coming months.

Aloha J: Thanks for stepping up and being there for me when I needed it. Thank you for the laughs and brutal honesty too. It's time to get another weekend on the schedule.

Pop: While we didn't get in any runs this year (crazy right?!) thanks for reaching out and always being there. I know that I can always call you if I have an issue and that means a lot. Let's plan a run soon.

All of these people and more had a significant impact on my life in 2019. But, I'd be remiss if I didn't include the person below.

C: There's too much that I could write here, from the little things like making tacos and margaritas and airport pick-ups, to the big things like redesigning my stereo system and taking me backpacking, you were an important part of my life this past year. I don't know if you, or I, can truly understand the impact and influence you had. If it weren't for that first trek with you I would not be doing the things I am doing now and planning for future adventures. You have a knack of making me laugh and smile, even when I want to cry, and you have countless other gifts that you share with me. Thank you for the time, the adventures, the food, the laughter and everything else. As I said in the beginning, there's just too much I could writer, so I'll leave it at I'm looking forward to whatever adventure we can concoct next.

Sunrise on the Appalachian Trail
Chimney Rock, Pennsylvania
1/1/20

30 Days of Thanks: Day 22

Old friends.

Today, I'm thankful for old friends. I've been down in Houston helping out a friend I've had since middle school, thanks to the generosity of a high school friend. In the midst of all of this a friend I have had since kindergarten (who managed to keep track of me through 8 moves) has been checking in on me. I have some really amazing friendships that have spanned large distances, but these two in Houston have been super supportive of so many things I have endured over the past few years. It's interesting because while we were friends in those different periods of our lives we weren't as close as we are now. I would have never considered us best friends in our history, but they are certainly part of my crazy small tribe now.

I've enjoyed sharing stories with my kids about these people and the importance of friendships and how they evolve over time. There are those friends who pass through your life in a season or two and those that may lay low in the background until it's time to resurface, as well as those that are ever present. I have not had a traditional life, growing up in the same place, but instead we moved a lot while I grew up. I am friends with people from each of these junctions in my life, and thankful for all the different experiences and influences that they have had on my life. But these "old" friends mean the world to me. Love you 3 to pieces.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 8 & 9

I promise it's not a cop out! I had no intentions of combing these 2 days, but last night I celebrate a dear friend's birthday and it was 2am when I got home. So this mama went to bed!

Day 8: Yesterday I was thankful for good friends, company and my first official Philly Cheesesteak. I am blessed with some good friends and we went out to celebrate his birthday with cheesesteaks. It was a perfect end to an otherwise emotional rollercoaster of a week.

Day 9: Today is a little different. I have been home being an adult: cleaning, laundry, etc. It's not been overly fun, but it was much needed. I did get to spend some time sewing, which I haven't done in almost a year. I'll post pictures of the final product when I wear it. It's not the most beautiful thing, but it will work perfectly for what I have designed it for! Today I'm thankful for the gift of time. The time to get done what needed to be done, along with time to do a fun project.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 5

The cool thing about being a mom is the mom community. I have all different kinds of mom friends in my life. I have the working moms (full time and part time). The stay at home moms (you ladies are amazing!). The single working moms (that's me!) and the moms that don't quite fall into any of those categories.

I used to be that last mom. When I became a mom I was a grad student; I didn't have a job, but I did attend school full time. I certainly didn't fit in with the new stay at home moms, and working moms didn't relate to my school struggles. It was a pretty lonely period from the mom-friend standpoint. On top of that I was the only grad student my age at that time that was a new parent. The other grad students were newlyweds, single/dating or at least 10 years my senior. It really set me apart from that group of peers as well. Then it didn't help that I kept popping out babies in grad school, so much so that I was once introduced at a major meeting for our department as the perpetually pregnant one.....

Anyhow, I've lost my track a bit here. See the thing about being a mom is that we're all moms just trying to not screw up our kids. We all want the best for them; we just do it differently. The one thing I've learned over my last 12.5 years of doing this is that none of our kids come with instructions and they're never a one size fits all approach. When you find the right Mom community things just click. Whether you're the Pinterest mom, soccer mom, dance mom, no activity mom, free-range mom, etc. we're all still just Moms at our core. I belong to a very select group of Mom groups on facebook, as so many I had joined weren't for me. This is even more so post-divorce. I don't want to listen to how your significant other did not clean up the vomit at 3am to your Martha Stewart standards, when you need to be grateful you had the assistance. And the reverse is true that those groups don't want to listen to me whine about doing it all myself with minimal help. Thus I consider myself blessed to have my 2 special communities, as well as my in-person friends.

I'm thankful for my mom friends that come in all different shapes, sizes and styles.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 4

Mondays are my day off. It's my chance to catch up on stuff while the kids are at school. Today I got to have brunch with a friend, which was a nice perk. It made me realize how lucky I am to:

1. have a weekday off every week
2. have friends willing to join me on my day off for a meal

I typically use my day offs for errands, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, etc. Today was a special day since I dedicated some time to truly just relax and be me. It's something that I am working on more and more, finding that balance between the "must do" and "want to do". I'm certainly a happier person when I take those much needed breaks and slow down. It's some of the crazy life lessons I've learned over the past few years.

Which brings me to my thankfulness acknowledgement of the day. Today, I'm thankful and grateful for the safe space that my therapist provides and the counsel. She is an amazing individual and we all should have someone in our lives like that. I know I've written about her before, but today I just wanted to take the time to recognize the work she does. This woman has guided me from a high anxiety state where I was functioning, but not thriving barely surviving, into a life where I am living and loving and enjoying life. She's graced me with the tools I need, held space when I needed to meltdown. Coached me through the meltdowns and allowed me the space to recreate me. Even when sharing my most vulnerable moments and intimate secrets I knew I was safe.

I learned that my emotions matter, that I was important. That my trauma was real and was my reality. I learned how to heal from my trauma, over and over and over again. I learned coping skills for when my anxiety skyrockets and I want to stay in bed forever, go on a crazy long run, or escape to the forest. I learned to recognize the warning signs of my anxiety and tactics to prevent the spirals.

She did not heal me; I healed me. She provided the safe space, tools and guidance so I could make the decisions I needed to make, recognize my own self worth and heal and grow. To my amazing unnamed therapist: THANK YOU.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 2

Short and sweet: I'm thankful for my dear friend Pete. He's been there over this crazy journey the past 4 years. I can't say enough how much I appreciate him.

The fallout

Yesterday I shared with you my struggles with anxiety and the day that never ended. I woke up this morning surrounded by the love and support from so many of you. I think I have personally thanked each and everyone of you, but if I missed you please know that it meant a lot to me. It means a lot that you take the time to read my words and then to follow up and check on me.

In the most part today presented with less anxiety, but I did have an emotional hangover. If you've never had one, then count yourself lucky. Waking up exhausted, out of sorts and raw all over. You're on edge, because you don't know what's going to set you off, nor how you may react. You want an example, I became teary on my drive to work over a song. It's crazy how much our emotions can have a physical toll on our body. In addition to the physical fatigue, I had mental fatigue by 9am and my day was just ramping up. The emotional rollercoaster of prolonged anxiety from a previous day at times seems never ending. Really it would have been best to take a personal day and sort myself out, but it wasn't a luxury I had today with all the meetings that I needed to attend and run.

I will say I spent part of the morning teary at all the love and support followed by increasing anxiety through some stressful meetings. It was at some of those moments that I received texts and messages from some friends- that my friends is exactly what I needed. Again, I thank you.

In all honesty, the fallout wasn't as bad as I expected. I have had anxiety spirals that have been less and given me more issues the following day. I attribute today to increased contact from all of you and improving coping skills. I was also lucky enough to know that I had a therapy session this evening, and that I was able to follow it up with a nice run outside. Sometimes that double combination is enough to clear everything from me. I wasn't that lucky today, but I am feeling so much better than last night. Thank you again for all the love and support. Please use these posts as a reminder to reach out to your friends and family, you never know how one little text may brighten someone's day.