2 Years

Two years ago I walked into a quaint little coffee shop for a first date, slightly nervous, yet excited to meet this cute guy who had a distinct sense of humor that made me smile. Over iced matcha lattes we lost track of time sharing stories, laughing, and finding a rhythm that has become part of who we are. Today we celebrate 2 years of dating.

Two years of adventures; from snowboarding trips, concerts, breweries, whitewater rafting, and hiking, to family dinners, kitchen adventures, backyard fires, and plumbing mishaps we have certainly experienced quite a range. It has not been easy, combining our very different lives into this one that we are creating. Moving from a single mom of 4 very busy teenagers to being in this relationship has challenged me. It has brought old traumas to the surface and forced me to confront them, while navigating the needs of our relationship. We have misunderstandings and communication breakdowns, each of us navigating our past while trying to find what works for this relationship. Even in the difficult times I know he supports me, loves me, and wants me to take care of me.

We tell each other on occasion that if you had told us at the end of that first date that we'd be where we are today neither of us would believe it. Sitting sipping our beverages there was no way to know that he'd help me find a passion in snowboarding, we'd encourage each other's creative sides, and that I'd help him love the outdoors more than just in a single season. There was no way to see how well he interacts with my crew and how they have come to care for him, and how we are finding our way as a little family of 6. Reflecting at dinner last night over the past 2 years it amazes us both at times, and while there was minimal talk of what was to come we know that there is more. 

This is a season of change for me, with one graduating high school and the others following directly behind her it is difficult to plan and even more difficult for me to imagine what my life will look like when Miss B graduates in 2029. What I do know is that I am excited to have him by my side as we navigate this together.

Bend October

I stood up at the river, turned my back on the Deschutes, went to pick up my backpack and the tears came instantly. They took me by surprise, yet they should not have as I had been crying intermittently all day. The last day of a momentous trip and the emotions overtook me. I turned back to face the river and allowed the tears to fall as I sobbed quietly. When they slowed I donned my sunglasses and backpack and walked along the gravel path back into downtown Bend, keeping the river on my left. Tears appeared at times as I walked along the path towards my final meal in Bend. I knew that as I walked I was leaving a piece of myself in Bend.

I shortly came upon the pedestrian bridge, my thoughts instantly drawn to the previous Saturday, and I walked on, yet a few steps later I turned, drawn back to stand on the bridge and look out over the river towards the mountains. I stepped on the wooden planks, uneven, studded with screws, and walked to the middle. The sun shone over my shoulder and I stood simply letting the tears gather. I knew I needed to mark that moment, and I recorded some videos, unsure of exactly what I wanted to say. I let the tears fall as I expressed my gratitude, my joy, and even my sorrow. 

Saturday, October 8th marked the completion of the first scouting hike of the American Perimeter Trail. My best friend, my business partner, and one of the most important people in my life walked the pedestrian bridge over the Deschutes River into Drake Park in Bend, OR completing a 3 year journey. As I watched him cross that bridge I smiled, I laughed, I cheered, and I was overwhelmed. With a smile, tears in his eyes and a swing of his flag he completed the loop. I thought I would cry, instead I smiled, we hugged, we laughed, and I was overwhelmed with it all. Another demarcation in my life, one of joy, sweetness, and a lot of dedication and work. A moment made possible by a simple connection on Instagram, an offer to help, and an acceptance.

The past 3 years were not easy for either of us. There were traumatic moments, changes in course, but most importantly there was connection and a willingness to go forward. At the transition points we talked, we argued, and we found a way to move through as friends and business partners. It has been a gift, a privilege, and an honor to accompany him on this journey, and even now, 6 weeks later, the moment he crossed the bridge brings me to tears. They are tears of joy, gratitude, and love for a friend and a project. A project that was not mine but quickly became my passion, my own project; integrating into so much of life I cannot imagine, do not care to imagine, how the past 3 years would have unfolded without it. 

Now the project moves on a new path and I cannot help but grieve some of what was. It was never perfect, but it was familiar and faced with the unfamiliar there is fear as well as excitement. For nearly 3 years we journeyed to this space, and finding ourselves having crossed here I find more tears. They are powerful tears, ones that hold space for the grief of the loss of the familiar while holding hope for the future. Around the bend we find ourselves.

30 Days of Thanks: November 6-9, 2020

This past weekend I had the opportunity to hike 30 miles of the Appalachian Trail in Pennsylvania with a new hiking partner. A woman I had met through social media, but never in person; a woman in many ways very different from me, but passionate about the outdoors and a love of hiking. There is much to be grateful for over these days that I was not writing.

Friday, November 6th I was thankful for the flexibility and privilege in my job to work a half day to leave early for my adventure. Not everyone has paid time off, or a manager who is gracious, flexible and understanding when you want to leave early so you can hike. I understand that I have these privileges, and it is a blessing.

Saturday, November 7th oh what a day. The weather was cool at the start and warmed quickly. My morning brightened by a text from S on the status of the election. How wonderful to be greeted with a text from a 13 year old. It is not something I would have likely done at her age. What a blessing she is in my life. My hiking partner and I covered 13 miles or so in the sunlight and then in the dark, lit by the light of her headlamp. What a day, we filtered water from a ground spring, hiked in a forest with the leaves crunching under our feet and rocks galore. We carried what we needed on our backs and the land provided the water. It was a beautiful experience. I am thankful for the strength in my body to hike.

Sunday, November 8th we had 14.2 miles to cover in a limited amount of time. It was hot, 37 degrees as we started our day at 8:15am and the temperature rose to 73 degrees by midday. The sun was shining and it was beautiful, but no clouds and no wind made for a hot November hike. The trail was relatively flat along the ridgetop, but rocky as always, water was scarce. On that day a trail angel provided water while at a road crossing, as well as companionable conversation. I became tired, frustrated at our schedule and progress as I watched us fall further behind. I had a deadline and it became very apparent in the early afternoon that we would not be making the time deadline. I am thankful for the grace that was granted to me to be gracious to my hiking partner. I knew that being angry and frustrated with her would not improve the situation, I knew that she was trying her best, and that her body was not cooperating as she wanted. so, instead of giving into those feelings I chose to extend grace. I am thankful that I chose grace. It was not that long ago that I would not have chosen to bestow that much grace, but I was able to let it go during the hike. I let myself vent at the end when we were all done and she was gone, but I was proud of my behavior.

On that Sunday I am also thankful for a ex-husband who also granted me grace for my incredibly late arrival. It was not that long ago that a lateness would have garnered anger and resentment, but with improved communication skills and my own healing journey it was a smooth transition.

In addition to the ex, I'm thankful for a friend who, on their birthday, drove food over to my that night for dinner. There I was, smelly, dirty, exhausted, and hungry and he arrived with 2 plates of food and cake. He stayed to keep me company while I ate and we celebrated with cake and beer.

Monday, November 9 I awoke home and clean in my own bed. A house, a roof over my head, running water, electricity, and options, glorious options of food. Such a contrast to the past 2 days of carrying all of my needs, yet both bring me love. Hiking provides me with peace that carries into my home life no other activity has ever done previously. I awoke thankful for the adventure, the opportunity to have the adventure and the courage to take and enjoy the adventure. 

Hiking is not always about the hike itself; it's the lessons I learn about myself along the miles and the emotional growth that I allow. I am thankful for the guidance that I have received from friends, family, and a fabulous therapist over the past few years that have awarded me with the courage to explore these adventures with a more open heart. Peace and grace to you all.