Saturday Busy

 A few more minutes sleep and being in bed was all I wanted this morning, then I glanced at the clock and found myself nearly out of time to cook a meal and drive the oldest to go cheer at a local 5k. The clock was pushing at me, relentless in its movement forward, dwindling the time available. Muffins were baked, eggs were cooked and we were out the door, her with the muffin in hand, and me to return to finish cooking my own breakfast and to sit and enjoy, even if briefly, that cup of hot coffee. On that drive to drop her off I mused at the weather, sunny skies with clouds, a breeze, and cool, with a hint of warmth coming- perfect hiking weather I found myself thinking. Yet I knew that a hike was not in the plan for today.

Today was filled with the jumble of kid activities, the constant movement from one to another. Cheerleading at the 5k, gymnastics for 1, cheerleading practice for 2, which morphed into for 3, my other child enjoying the fall day with friends at a carnival, and me in and out of the car, squeezing in a run for my health and sanity. In the midst of all of this we completed a final harvest of the garden, pulled up the plants, and began changing out the summer clothes for winter clothes. It was a full day here in this single parent household, and while I'm thankful and grateful to have active children it would be nice to take a day to enjoy a fall activity. I had so hoped to take them to a corn maze and pick pumpkins, and while the possibility exists for it to occur tomorrow, it does mean jamming it in between activities.

Sunday will not be a day of rest for us. One child has to serve at church at the early service, and my oldest has yet another cheerleading event in the morning, followed by one in the afternoon. It is in moments like these that I miss the quietness of quarantine. We had more opportunities to hike, take our time, relax, and reset. While my kids are easy going, go with the flow, kids, it can be a strain on me to shuttle them around. There is not that moment to rest, reset, and find that connection into ourselves when the clock is demanding that you manage your time. While a 34 min run allowed me to reconnect, it was squeezed in between so many other things that the recovery and lasting effects were short lived.

This post is not a complaint- all parents with kids in activities go through very similar issues, both in single parent and dual parent households; this post is sharing a moment in the life of a single parent of 4. A mom simply wishing to take her kids out to do a fun family activity without being aware of the clock. This post is a tired mom wishing for time to breathe for herself, juggling the desire to spend quality time with her kids and the want to be alone. This post is a mom finding space for both of those and living in the moment. This is her doing her best to balance her own needs and those of her children. For tonight I am thankful for their health, their joy and commitment to their activities, and my ability to manage it all.

Outside the Circle

The tears threaten to fall, so I blink and smile as I walk to the car, head held high, no one the wiser that there is a part of me breaking. A part of me wondering why, wondering what is wrong, wondering why it's happening again, and wondering if it will ever end. A simple meeting turned into a stark reminder of my place, outside the circle, yet again. 

Seven years ago we moved here, seven years of searching for connection, to build that local community, to build and find that tribe, and here I am, still on a quest. The first few years spent on the cusp of the circle, dancing at the edges, always taking steps to find where a married, working mom of 4 fit into this new community. I was still learning how to be a working mother after a long practice of being a graduate student mother, and the transition was not smooth, yet I was hopeful that in this community I would find my place, my footing. It seemed that I was making a place for this family of mine, and then it changed when my status went from married to single. In a community that is designed for 2 parent households, I found myself thoroughly on the outside. 

Four years ago standing on the outside of the circles I had finally managed to find a small acceptance I found the lines redrawn and the steps to make my way forward towards and into the community in which my children thrived were monumental to me. In a time when I needed my community to support me as I established my role as a single parent I was abandoned by most here. Over these past 4 years I have found my footing and worked diligently to create and live a less life ordinary. The drawback to a non-traditional lifestyle is living life on the outskirts within your own community.

This means driving through your neighborhood and seeing a neighbor having a party and knowing you weren't invited, hoping your children don't notice. But of course they notice, and then they ask: "why weren't we invited, I thought we were friends" and you find yourself saying that you don't know and maybe it's not a neighborhood party and pray to anyone who's listening to support your statement. Then of course your child spots a neighbor walking to the party and your statement is no longer valid. Now your child is wondering aloud at this point why we're never really invited to parties, echoing the inner thoughts in your head. You find a way to console them, remind them of the adventure/activity we are on way to, and pray that it's forgotten in time from their mind, knowing that the moment will be etched within your own. You remind them of all of the parties they have attended and the fun we've created at our own small parties, praying that it's enough. Praying that your children are at least welcome places if your family as a whole is not, all the while building a damn to prevent a flood of tears.

A life less ordinary is not for the faint of heart, especially with children in tow. It's working through each of those situations above, praying that you are making the best decisions for yourself and your children, while honoring the needs of all parties. As a single parent it's questioning every decision more than when you were in a 2 parent household, analyzing each choice and decision. It's finding the consequences of your choices in simple actions such as attending a parent meeting and no one will engage in conversation with you because these critical relationships were developed when your life was upended. On nights such as these when you make solid attempts at engaging in simple conversation with other parents only to be rejected or ignored you begin questioning what is wrong with you, why you are always on the edges, why after 7 years you still are tribeless in a community that thrives on connection. There are moments when it's too much to bear and the tears threaten to pour down because you're tired; you're tired of the inner reminders you tell yourself that you are enough, that you are worth it, and that these other people are missing out. It's wishing for a welcoming face at an event, a person to share the moments with; wishing that for that brief period you are welcome into the circle. It's finding the last of your inner strength and courage to be the parent you want to be and the person you want to be. It would be easier for a short period to don a fake smile, fake attitude and play the games to be accepted into these circles and community. Yet I would not be honoring the person I am continuing to become, so I accept the tears and find a quiet moment to release them, and pray for a tribe for my family.

Single Parent Secrets

There is so much the world doesn't see with single parenting. The parents who feel guilty enjoying their kid-free time and then the guilt that comes when they arrive home and you're secretly wishing for just 1 more hour, 1 more day of quiet before love and chaos resumes. There's juggling the finances around so they can participate in school events, activities and all of those things, while managing 2-3 jobs to make it all work. Then working that much so you're tired A LOT, and feeling guilty when you want to spend a little of that hard-earned money on yourself. All of these are more visible aspects of single parent life.

What no one shares is the tears at night, the tears driving to and from work, and the journals where you share your fears, concerns and emotions that come with single parenting. The moments that you wish someone was there to carry your load for just a moment so you can breathe, give you a hug or hold your hand so you can get through it. I'm often told "I don't know how you do it." I do it because I have to, there is no one else. I have primary custody of my beautiful kids, so that means I carry the brunt of it all. Please don't get me wrong, I know my kids' father loves, cares and worries about them, but it's different when you are the primary caregiver. It doesn't matter how great of a support system you have, there are just times at 2am that you want to roll over, and share that burden. You want to have late night talks about how you're going to manage it all and even if you can't find a solution you know you have assistance. Those are the issues that single parents who were formerly a duo don't discuss. We don't discuss it because getting divorced is still taboo in many senses. 

Divorce is often viewed as the easy option, for people who quit, can't make it work, didn't try hard enough. So tell me again why I would share the sense of loss I feel when I'm struggling with an issue about my kids? Then you're conflicted because you feel like your energy and emotions should be poured into your child, but there's a very real sense of loss and singularity that happens in conjunction with it. I am stressed and upset about my child/children and then upset because I'm on my own in it. Moving from a 2 parent household to a single has so many more ramifications that most people can imagine. I know that not every 2 parent household has equal parenting burdens, but there is always the illusion that there is another adult there in which to share. Many of us cling to (or clung to) those illusions as a coping mechanism. There is no illusion in single parenthood. All it takes is to look in the mirror and you can there view your support system.

I have a support system, but they're not available all the time. They lead lives, have families and are often busy, just like I am. As much as they love me there are just times when they don't have time to talk, as much as they say they'll always have time they can't; it's not feasible. Sometimes your support system fails you through no fault of their own and sometimes your support system wants to fix you, fix the situation, and all you really want is someone to just walk with you through the rough patch. I am strong enough, capable enough, and independent enough to do what I need to do, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate someone to hold that space for me. Everyone needs people like that in their lives, not just single parents, and while I do, they're again not always available. So, as a single parent you do what you can, and sometimes that means having your support system be on point and sometimes it means crying yourself to sleep at night. In those latter instances you remind yourself that you are not truly alone, but if you're like me anxiety tries to spin another tale which leaves you exhausted as you're carrying multiple emotional burdens and now battling anxiety. 

Do you see why everyone says I'm so strong?

Do you see why everyone wonders how I do it?

Do you see why many single parents struggle to ask for help?

Do you see why I mean it when I say call me at 2am or 3am?

Do you see my secrets now?

Careless Words

On my ride to my training this morning I was riding quietly with my eyes closed just listening to the general chatter around me. Then suddenly my ears perked up as I heard the two women behind me say something about single parenting. One made a comment about never wanting to be a single parent, and the other followed it up with a "why would anyone chose to be single parent?" And from there the conversation became a short commentary on being a single parent, and it was clear from the tone and comments that they were not single parents. I grabbed my headphones and cranked up some music quickly as I felt my anxiety rising and tears trying to form.

The headphones and music were there to both block the commentary from them and to prevent me from commenting. It really took a lot of energy not to turn around snap with some snarky comments, but really my snark would not have accomplished anything but making me look like a bitter single mom. ALL of us single parents deserve a better reputation than what I wanted to dish out to these two women. I get where these women were coming from in a sense, though I would like to think I wouldn't have sounded as judgmental as these women. When you're struggling to parent in a duo it's difficult to fathom being a single parent, especially one by choice. I even used to make comments when their dad went out of town that I was doing "the single parent thing." Yeah, I didn't get it at all, the true difference in single parenting vs parenting solo while my partner was away.

Now, I live the difference on a daily basis. And those careless, judgmental words from these two random strangers stung a lot. I got married and started my amazing family never at all dreaming or thinking I would be where I am today. Being a single parent with primary custody wasn't on my radar until it became my life. I do the best I can, and I make a LOT of mistakes, just like most parents. Maybe I feel these mistakes more, maybe all single parents feel them more, especially those of us who are divorced who raised our families initially with what society considers an "intact" family. It hurts to hear those words, like somehow in making a choice to be a single parent I am doing my children a disservice. The truth is, and psychological research demonstrates it, that children of divorced parents do better than those with "intact" families where the parents do not get along. I've seen the results in my own children, with improved behavior and significantly less illness. Stress does crazy things to our bodies as adults, and wrecks havoc in children.

My single parent life is something that I chose and I don't regret it. It may cause me pain, be one of the most challenging undertakings of my life, but ALL of parenting is challenging. I wish that these women could have been more open and accepting of a parenting situation different from their own. I wish that I had had the grace to speak to them openly and calmly. At this moment hours later, there is nothing I can do to address them; all I can do is share the impact of their careless words.

Avoidance is not a good thing

So earlier today I wrote you all a relatively light post about clothing because I was avoiding the real issue. I figured if I wrote something that it would help, but by not addressing the issue I made it worse. Now that you're wondering what the issue was, it's such a simple complex thing. I was lonely.

I was lonely and it was triggering my anxiety. I did what I was supposed to do. I reached out to people; I did my deep breathing. I took a walk; I read a book. I engaged in distractions (bills and the Eagles game). Here's the thing though, I managed to keep some of the anxiety at bay, but not enough. So when my kiddos walked in the door after being at their dad's all weekend I started to lose my cool. I was snipping and snapping at them for no real reason other than I was anxious and their exuberance was setting me off. All I wanted/needed was a hug, but they were too wound up to give any. I found myself wishing that they were still with their dad, and then immediately felt huge mom guilt. I realized I actually wanted them home, but just asleep so that I could have them here. And even that thought gave me mom guilt. Let's just say that guilt+loneliness+anxiety was not a good thing.

Here's the truth about single parenting and split parenting, it's tougher than anything I've ever done, including that PhD. I love my kids with all my heart and I'd do anything for them. I want the world for them. I heard Jason Mraz's Have It All during the midst of my meltdown and all I could think about was what I want for my kids and how I was desperately failing them. I mean what mom wants their kids to leave within minutes of them being home? Me- this majorly flawed mama does. But we all know that's the anxiety talking and not the truth. It's tough to admit and even write about those parts of the meltdown I was having, but it's one of the best ways to conquer the shame and guilt.

With a little bit of managing I was able to get myself together and try to make some sense of the anxiety. Truth? A lot was rooted in the loneliness, but some is rooted in knowing that tomorrow, October 1, is another step in the divorce process as the lawyers head to court. It brings up fresh waves of grief. I was brought to my knees bawling in the middle of my kitchen as Dan + Shay sang From the Ground Up as I thought about what could have been and where I thought I would be. I never imagined I would be a single, divorced mom of 4, closing in on 40. I know the grieving and healing process takes time and this is just another step, but it took me off guard.

I spent the night battling tears while cooking dinner, eating dinner and bathing my kiddos. Anxiety, loneliness and grief are not a good combination. When they finally went to bed I was relieved. I could be present with my emotions. With a gift from the muses my streaming tuned into Shawn Mendes' In My Blood and I was taken in again, as I often am with this song. It's one of the few that can pull the tears instantly and again, I was crying in my kitchen, melting, wishing for someone to be here. If you haven't really listened to that song please go do. This is a section of the lyrics/chorus:

I need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

It really speaks to where I was at and what I needed.  My walls are crashing and I want to give up, but I can't and won't. I didn't get to where I am today by quitting. But truth, I'm lonely and sad and I don't want to turn out my light to sleep alone. That's the reality of my life tonight.

Advice and affection

My friends can I give you some well meaning advice, since so many of you feel the need to give it to me......

Please stop telling me to go enjoy myself or do something fun on the nights and weekends I don't have my kids. I get it, and in fact I remember those days and looking at the single parents thinking it looks amazing that you get an entire weekend to do what YOU want. What you don't see is the crushing loneliness and emptiness and quietness of your home. You don't hear how much more silent your home is at night when they're not home sleeping in the rooms around you. You tell me to go have fun and enjoy myself, but then I come home to an empty lonely house. You, my friends with your partner would come home with someone and have someone to enjoy your time with- I do not. Ten months later and it still stings.

Personally, I am still learning to balance my nights and weekends that are kid free. It's a delicate process of making sure I have personal relaxation time, get my chores done and be able to sleep without anxiety and loneliness. So please, it's not a vacation for me, but a fact of my life and inherent reminder that I am no longer part of a 2 parent household that is filled with continuous crazy weekends.  Some weekends and nights it is easier than others, and it is always easier when I know that there is someone that I can talk to (or message with) so I don't feel so lonely. The first few months were the worst on the weekends. I filled them with so many chores and work that by Sunday evening I was beat and all I wanted to do was crash. Over 10 months into this routine and I am slowly learning to manage things. A few weekends ago I had a great balance of a personal day and a chore day, and I was lucky enough to have a friend pretty much on speed text when I needed to connect with someone, but that balance doesn't happen often enough.

This brings me to my next piece of advice: affection. Hug your single parent friends (assuming they're the hugging type). Seriously. I love my children to pieces and I cherish my hugs and affection from them. But there is a significant lack of physical affection in our lives now as single parents, and for some of us this is our love language. For me personally it's my 2nd major love language (if you're confused go take this quiz). It's like living in a desert sometimes, no one hugs or touches in this society and you feel like at outcast at times. Not only are you not receiving any physical affection, but at times you are surrounded by it. It's everywhere, in the books you read, shows you watch, even a trip to the restaurant or the mall. When you don't have it, it can seem like it's everywhere. So, take a risk, you don't know what a little hug might do to brighten your friend's day. I'll always take a hug, but be forewarned you may make me teary.