30 Days of Thanks: November 16-17, 2020

There are moments in my life where it would have been a big deal to me to have missed a day in my 30 days of thanks posting. Yesterday evening I was exhausted, physically primarily, but also emotionally. These past 2 weeks have challenged me, upended what was my routine and made me feel like I was no longer grounded. I am finding my footing again and working through my fears to release them. I barely had it in me to write in my journal, there was nothing left to compose a thankful post.

Today, I am thankful that I acknowledged and recognized that in myself yesterday and skipped my post. The world did not end, and I did not suffer, in fact I gained a few extra minutes of much needed sleep not writing. 

I am also thankful that I am learning balance. Not "to balance" but balance. I am great, excellent at balancing and juggling, taking on more tasks and rearranging things, balancing them. I am working on balance, that place of no longer juggling the balls or spinning the plates, but more focused time on individual areas. It does not mean that I do not have competing interests, it means I am working on prioritizing tasks, family, projects, friends, and most of all me. Just because I can do something, does not mean I have to do it, I am delegating and learning to say no. I always find it easier to say no for other people, or protect their own interests, property, etc, but mine, not as much.

Over the past 2 years I have been claiming more of my own, learning to protect more of my own time and talents, yet I still will over exert myself. I am thankful for the growing into balance. I am far from done, but thankful and grateful to be on the journey. Balance leads to peace, and peace will propagate more love. I choose to have a life of live, joy, and balance.

Are you seen?

Everyone tends to think that the 3 most important, most impactful words are "I love you" and while they are powerful and important I think there are 3 more that are even more critical: "I see you". For there are plenty of moments in your life where you are loved, but not seen, not recognized for who you are. When someone says they see you, it not only means they love you, but they recognize you for who you are. How many times have you been in a relationship of any form where you can feel the care and concern, but still not feel seen? Still be invisible?

When you are seen that other individual confirms your existence as you experience it. There is no questioning, just acceptance. A validation of you in that time and space. They see you, accept you and love you. It's a different experience than I love you. If you have someone in your life that sees you and tells you that they see you, you know that this person cares deeply about you. They understand that desire to be visible, accepted, and loved as you are. Too often I love you comes with the desire to change the person or with blinders. You are loved for an idea of who you are, not who you are at your core, an image. This is not false love, that individual does love you, they just don't necessarily see you. It could be because you don't let them see you, or they are unable to view beyond their own boundaries, regardless of the reason there is a difference in the love and being seen.

I have a small group of people that "see" me. There is no need to explain things, though I often do regardless. They see me, understand my desire to explain myself even when not necessary. They see me through the anxiety, remind me that I am me, not my anxiety. They love me, simply for who I am. They tell me I am seen. I am valuable. I am loved. To me, the distinction is important; I do not desire to be loved on a pedestal, I desire to be loved and accepted for who I am. I desire to be seen, accepted for me. Me, the woman, mother, coordinator, therapist, backpacker/hiker, writer, and coach. But most of all me, the soul in a human body. A survivor and thriver of life's experiences; one who is on a path to create a life less ordinary for herself and her children.

So I ask you, who in your life sees you?

Parenting and Goals

A while ago I was talking about my parenting philosophy with someone that doesn't have children. My parenting philosophy summed up:

Kids need to have fun and freedom, but they need to have chores and responsibilities so that they don't grow up to be entitled adults.

It's how I raise my kids. They have activities they attend, but significantly less than many other kids their age so that they have time to be free to play outside, be bored and just be kids. We have so much scheduled, restricted time as adults that I really believe that children need freedom in their time. I'm not saying my kids run wild, but you're likely to find them outside running through the backyard or the neighborhood park or reading a book. This is balanced with their chores; sweeping, dishes, caring for the cats, etc. For the most part it works fine for my crew and I. Sure, they can be crazy and entitled, but they're kids! I want them to value hard work, effort, patience, family and love. I want them to learn how to balance fun and responsibility.

The other important lesson I want my children to learn is to chase down their dream and goals and make them happen. We all know that goals are only achieved by hard work, dedication and grit. This life lesson is something that they have to learn independently, but that I can model for them. They are too young to remember the struggles of me earning my PhD. My oldest may remember some of it, but for most of their life they know me as a working mom, and now a single working mom, juggling everything the best I can. But in my juggling they're learning how much I love them and how hard I work for them, not how to chase goals and dreams. Because let's be honest, my goals and dreams have nothing to do with juggling 3 jobs.

They've watched me train for half marathons and full marathons, which certainly gets to the point of dedication, hard work and grit. Though, if I'm honest some of that has slipped from my life in the past few years. In the past 7 months though I was reminded that I used to have big goals and dreams and that it was time to start chasing them again (read here). There is a lot of controversy about this funny enough. I'm not talking about within my own family, but in general. I have heard from a number of other moms that it's selfish to take large chunks of time away from your kids to pursue your dreams and goals; that you need to wait until they have graduated high school or college; that our lives are to revolve around our children from the moment they were born, otherwise why did you chose to be a mom?

At this point in my life after everything I have learned since having my kids and getting a divorce is that my life should not revolve around them 100%. They need to be an integral part of it, but I need to live my life, for what am I supposed to do when they graduate and move on with their lives? I don't want my life to suddenly fall apart because I am not a full-time mom. I will always be their mother in some capacity, but I am still me at my core, and motherhood is just a piece of my identity. Maybe I have this perspective now because I am divorced and have kid-free time to explore myself and my interests, but I think it's healthy to have time away. I won't say there isn't guilt about it, but I will not let guilt hold me back from my dreams.

Why should I wait 10 years until my youngest has graduated high school? There will never be a perfect moment to pursue my dreams to make them goals and my reality. If I can find a way to achieve them that still allows my children to feel loved, secure and fit with my parent philosophy then I don't need your approval, but I would like your support. I just find it interesting that a community of moms who are all reaching for similar goals would be so harsh to a fellow mom (it wasn't me) telling her to put her dreams on hold for another 11 years, or to take her kids along. The point of some of these dreams, goals and ambitions is to learn about yourself, and let's me honest- it's difficult to learn about yourself when you're still in the full-time parent role. So let's stop judging other parents for their choices and support them when they are already making difficult choices.