A Year of Change

From snowboarding to scones to fondue and cheesecake it was a weekend of food and memories. I had the pleasure of spending the weekend celebrating a milestone birthday with my guy. We hit the indoor slopes on Friday to snowboard, enjoyed dinners with parents on different nights, family bonding, and plenty of time just as us. I spoiled him with a few of his favorite foods, and he enjoyed, and is still enjoying, discovering penguins hidden throughout his house. Presents were opened and to quote him "It was a perfect weekend."

It was quite the contrast to where we were 1 year ago. A year ago we had just broken up, as our relationship was simply too much for both of us. I was in denial that it was too much, but in truth the traumas that we had both experienced over the past 6+ months were impacting us, and impacting the relationship that we were building. There was a mutual respect for each other and an agreement to stay in touch. We both knew that the other was a person that we still wanted in our life, yet something had to change. His genuine heart, unique perspectives, and ability to make me laugh were not things that I wanted to lose. Even though I did not want to lose contact with him I knew that space was needed for both of us. I needed to grieve this change, find my footing, and more forward in healthy ways. It provided me the opportunity for growth and clarity, demonstrating that I did not collapse, my world did not collapse, when something unexpected occurred.

These lessons came after the spring of 2023 where everything burned and my world appeared to be no more. Only 6 months later arrived the ending of something special, and I found myself sad, upset, and yet still standing with strength I did not have prior. I also had hope. I had hope for the continued friendship of us. While our contact was extremely minimal at first it grew slowly and tentatively. We had to navigate being only friends while still processing our previous traumas and growing into our own. As the time progressed there was still a hesitancy, but glimmers of our connection appeared. And when I opened the discussion of snowboarding the barriers began to fall faster. 

He helped me navigate and plan to take my crew snowboarding for the first time. His generous nature shining through and overwhelming at every turn and text. With a common goal we found ourselves in more frequent communication and our friendship growing. There were some challenging moments, but with the pressure of an intimate relationship removed the communication was easier. Laughter came frequently and the night we went to dinner as friends is one that I like to revisit in my head. While there were a few moments that challenged me the hours we spent chatting and laughing reminded me so much of our previous dates that I was extremely happy to have him back in my life. It was these moments and the ones following that strengthened our friendship and carried us through the holidays of 2023.

Two and half months following our break-up we found ourselves starting again. It was unexpected, and yet it felt right. Slowly we have found our way, and this was a capstone weekend for us. It was a year of change, a year of growth, and a year of falling in love with ourselves and each other.

      

Ashes to Ashes

 A little over 2 months ago my life imploded and crumbled to dust. It was the darkest period of my life, even more dark than periods leading up to my divorce and early post divorce. Anxiety and depression assaulted me daily and I began a course of medications to find some balance. The side-effects of the medications became as much of a problem as the anxiety and depression, and it was one more battle I had to try to find the energy to fight and manage. But this story is not about the medications and effects, this story is about the creation of the ashes of my life.

I had a plan.

I had a plan to move to Bend, Oregon and raise my children in a town that better meets our needs and lifestyle. A town where I feel at home, safe, protected, and at peace. A town that values the outdoors, being active and community and connection. A town that strives to care for its own, and while it is not perfect it is trying, more than I see in so many other communities. I had a job in Bend, I had my non-profit in Bend, my best friend in Bend, and a growing community of friends through my job. I had a plan to move there and continue to grow the non-profit and eventually transition to working that full-time as a paid employee and likely a small job on the side to supplement income as needed. I had a plan to create a lifestyle that supported my physical and mental health in ways that are extremely challenging living in my current community. I had a plan.

Having primary custody of my 4 children does not give me the right to just move them across the country, I had to come to an agreement with their father to move them. In brief he was not agreeable to them moving, thus began a year long legal battle for relocation. On April 20th, the day before my birthday, we all attended court, the children spoke to the judge alone and expressed their opinions which were relayed back to me via my attorney. I found myself in the very real and very painful position of continuing my quest for relocation and likely being denied relocation and primary custody of my children, the only option that was guaranteed was to rescind the relocation request and have the battle for change in custody follow due process through the courts. In 10 minutes I was forced to make a decision: fight for my move and potentially win or potentially lose everything, or give up relocation and keep custody until it could proceed through the court. My heart was breaking, I sat in the courtroom hallway fighting back tears, breathing, shaking, trying to find the decision that met my needs and the needs of my children. This move was for me and for them, and I knew that if we moved it would be incredibly challenging for them, I knew that it would strain our relationship, but I also knew that given time and space to heal and move through it we would do well in the end. Having grown up moving I know the resiliency of children and moving, but also the trauma of it. I sat in the hallway battling in myself, the clock ticking, my heart racing and breaking all at once, torn, watching my world finishing burning into ashes. The last important component of my life fuse lit and burning out. I made the decision to pull my relocation request, I simply couldn't take the risk of not moving and losing primary custody. It would break me further than I was already broken at that point.

Earlier in the month of April I lost my best friend. My best friend of the past 3 years simply decided to stop speaking to me, stop being there for me, stop answering calls, texts, anything. Having been as close as we were and having supported them through so many trials and challenges it was killing me to have lost them, lost their support when I needed it most. I needed that person that simply understood me and grasped that this was more than "just a move." They knew what this meant to me, and understood how deeply important to me it was, and I was abandoned by them without explanation. A fight had been had 2 months previous that had not been resolved, but I had been hoping that we were going to move forward as we had in the past. Every other fight, disagreement, and confrontation we had had over the 3 years we worked through, and we always told each other we worked through it because we cared about each other. I still cared about my best friend and I wanted to work through it, but I also desperately needed that support from them. Support that I had received previously, and I could not, and still cannot understand, why it was withheld. Why, when I needed them the most they abandoned me? Left me, ignored me, triggering so many of my trauma responses I swirled and spiraled more. Court loomed closer, there were challenges with the children and court, my birthday loomed, and the person that I had been closest to for 3 years was missing by their choice. My heart broke, my soul adrift, and I began to crumble, to implode, unable to bear anything more, fire burning throughout.

I struggled to sleep, I struggled to eat. I struggled to get out of bed and get to work at the desk next to my bed. I did it though. I got up slowly, I struggled to focus on my tasks, taking double and triple the time to complete tasks as April wore on with the loss of my best friend and court approaching. With the loss of my best friend also came my resignation from my non-profit. The non-profit that I helped create; the organization that I built from the ground up; from the logo and community and website, that was driven primarily by my effort. It was a passion project, one that I poured my heart and soul into. I was proud of the work I did, it brought me much joy and it was such an honor to be a part of it. Yet the organization was changing and the leadership and I were in conflict and I could no longer stay with an organization that did not value my opinion, my work, my time, and did not appear to believe in open and honest communication anymore. The non-profit was the one thing that I still had hopes of, the one thing that was going to be my light in this time of extreme darkness, and it went away. With the loss of my best friend and my non-profit I crumbled, but had little time to grieve those losses. Medication was not working, therapy was still in place and yet it was still not enough. I was unbearably sad, yet also so numb to everything. My body and mind unable to process anymore hurt. Food was a chore, everything was a challenge, from a simple shower to making dinner. I persevered, the kids were fed, chores completed, and life moved on. I was not ok, yet there was no time, no space to fall apart.

I sat in that courtroom hallway with only a small fuse of life left, having burned away so much with the other losses, and now it burned away my job and my move and my future. Ashes, dust, nothing left, no pieces to make a puzzle. No strength. I am not a phoenix to rise from the ashes. I am a woman, nothing more. One who was incredibly broken, not ok, and yet still asked to carry on, to move forward. To grieve quickly and briefly because it's "only a move" "only a job", yet it was never just those things. It was a lifestyle, a safe place, a peaceful place, and a place that provided comfort in the pine tar and smoke tinged air with the snow capped mountains surrounding the town and the river carrying the heartbeat of the mountains within it. It was gone. My chance removed of my own accord. The sacrifice I made for my children that I did not want to make. I made it because of my deep love of them, but this was one that broke me. In a month I lost my future, my best friend, my safe place, my organization, and so much more. It's challenging to put into words all that was lost. 

I have not grieved it all. It seems impossible at times to grieve it all. Where do you start? How do you portion it out? How do you find the time and space and safety to become vulnerable when you are already dust? How do you share this with the world?

Two months later and I still struggle to find the words, to grieve it. Tears come at times, life is moving forward and there have been some incredible moments over the past 2 weeks and amazing people coming into my life, but I know I have more grieving and healing to do. I do not have a path forward, I do not know where I will be in a few weeks, a few months, much less a few years. It's ok not to have those answers, but there is so much instability that I drift. I am thankful for the people that have become anchors, and the new ones that are supporting me with open hearts and empathy. What a challenging time to come into my life, and yet as has happened before people have arrived in my life at challenging points and made such lasting impacts that I have a small amount of hope blooming again.

There have been more smiles and laugher in my life these past 2 weeks than there have in the past 2 months, for which I am thankful. I see and feel parts of me that seemed to have been lost forever. It is not a return of those parts, but an emergence of new. I do not have a path, I do not have a plan, but I find more moments of strength and courage. In this I can take some comfort, and in knowing that anchors are there for me.

Tomorrow begins the start of the next chapter. Tomorrow their dad begins his battle for joint custody and I have to find the strength, courage, and energy to fight for what I believe is best for my children. What is best for me as well. I am scared, I am terrified, I am exhausted, I am sad. Knowing I have a handful of people supporting me is giving me the strength to proceed and I will. 

As I have said so many times before reach out to your friends, to your family. So much of this story has been withheld, and maybe I will write more on it one-day, but without those people texting me in April, giving me hugs, and calling me I would not be where I am today. Without all of you being there despite me not reaching out or reaching out right before I would have fallen further. My heart has gratitude for all of you for being there, even when I told you I was alone, and you told me I wasn't. Thank you for letting me disagree with you and have the space to move through some of this grief safely. 

Turning 43 in the middle of all of this was not what I wanted, not what I envisioned and again I find myself with trauma on and around my birthday. Six years ago I knew my marriage could not be saved on the weekend of my birthday, a turning point in my life, and here I am with a no plan again coming off of a birthday. I love plans, yet at this point I can do no more than walk through each day, each moment, each breath and let things unfold.

Peace, I pray for peace.

30 Days of Thanks: November 8

Happy Birthday Pete!

Today I'm thankful for my buddy Pete. Looking at us together you'd never guess that we're such good friends, nor would you fathom that it all came from mornings (and afternoons) at the bus stop. Two mornings a week I walked my kids to the bus and occasionally chatted with this man there, sometimes after school too. Our daughters became fast friends, and still are, and we slowly started connecting. It was Super Bowl parties, backyard fires, and then outings to the local museums and such with kids in tow. Man did we get some looks then!

Pete was there before my marriage fell apart, while it was falling apart he was always there to listen to me, let me cry for a bit, and he's still there. Rides to and from the airport, driving my kids a few places when absolutely necessary, the man is a great friend. Everyone should have a Pete in their life. Here we are over 5 years later and we're still close and out making laughs. 

I am so thankful for all the texts, the facebook posts, instagram shares, and everything else. He can usually make me laugh, and if not he knows he can show up with a drink or his award winning chili and it will cheer me up. For a worst case he knows the perfect bartender to mix us both up a drink. From the little things to the big things I'm thankful for all the Pete has brought into my life.

Happy birthday my friend!

30 Days of Thanks: November 15, 2020

Today I give thanks for my mother. It's her birthday, a chance to celebrate her and all that she has done and all that she means to me, and to my kids. My mother is the glue that holds this family together. She managed to keep us from falling apart through 7 different states in my first 22 years of life, each one not only a new geography, but a new culture, a new climate to navigate. She found me the activities I wanted and drove me, or arranged rides for me. She helped us craft a new life in each of these places, each simple dwelling became a home. One that she maintained while still working and managing the clutter and chaos that my father and I produce.

My mother is patient, she is kind, she is generous and loving and supportive. She is a wonderful Nonna to her grandkids. They know her to show up with a tin of cookies, a pot of soup, a bag of groceries, bagels and cream cheese, or to just do the yardwork I never have time to do. This August she devoted the entire month to refinishing my walls in our playroom/desk area since she knew it was what I wanted and would not easily have time to complete on my own. My mother is an excellent cook and I have such fond memories of her cooking and then us cooking together. Today my father and I were able to provide her with a meal of her choosing. 

My mother is the type of mother that I want to be, yet I am not. I can only be me, and hope that one day my children will feel the same way I do about her in regards to me. I do my best, and while I often fall short in my eyes, I know I have done my best in the moment. My mother (and father) taught me to give my best to everything, to work hard, study hard, and put in the work to chase down those dreams. From my mother I learned how to support someone else chasing a dream and a goal. From her I learned to sew, cook, read passionately, and pray.

Everyday I am thankful and blessed to have my mother. Today I am thankful we had another year together and many more coming.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 15, Happy Birthday Mom

As I sit every year on November 15th I am incredibly thankful for my mother. There are not enough words to describe how much she means to me and how much she does for my family. This woman has a quiet strength. You may not notice her behind my boisterous father, but she is the glue; the one who packed the boxes and the trucks and unpacked the boxes what seems like thirteen thousand times for each of my childhood moves.

She was the one who baked my birthday cakes, cookies and taught me to cook. She taught me to sew, to laugh and always told me to reach for more. She was the rock in our family when everything was upside-down from yet another move. She's there for my kids, to include putting them on the bus 4 mornings a week so I can get to work on time. She's there on days off and nights if I need/want to go out when I have my kiddos. Just a quick phone call and she'll be here.

Once when Ben was really sick she dropped everything and drove down 4 hours to stay with the kids so I could take him to the hospital. Or there was the time days after D was born that she crossed paths with Ben in the airport, coming to take care of me and 2 kids, while Ben flew home to be with his grieving family. I don't know a lot of other moms that do all the things that she has done for me and my family. I consider myself, and my kids, extremely blessed to have her in our lives.

Love you Mom.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 8 & 9

I promise it's not a cop out! I had no intentions of combing these 2 days, but last night I celebrate a dear friend's birthday and it was 2am when I got home. So this mama went to bed!

Day 8: Yesterday I was thankful for good friends, company and my first official Philly Cheesesteak. I am blessed with some good friends and we went out to celebrate his birthday with cheesesteaks. It was a perfect end to an otherwise emotional rollercoaster of a week.

Day 9: Today is a little different. I have been home being an adult: cleaning, laundry, etc. It's not been overly fun, but it was much needed. I did get to spend some time sewing, which I haven't done in almost a year. I'll post pictures of the final product when I wear it. It's not the most beautiful thing, but it will work perfectly for what I have designed it for! Today I'm thankful for the gift of time. The time to get done what needed to be done, along with time to do a fun project.