Are you seen?

Everyone tends to think that the 3 most important, most impactful words are "I love you" and while they are powerful and important I think there are 3 more that are even more critical: "I see you". For there are plenty of moments in your life where you are loved, but not seen, not recognized for who you are. When someone says they see you, it not only means they love you, but they recognize you for who you are. How many times have you been in a relationship of any form where you can feel the care and concern, but still not feel seen? Still be invisible?

When you are seen that other individual confirms your existence as you experience it. There is no questioning, just acceptance. A validation of you in that time and space. They see you, accept you and love you. It's a different experience than I love you. If you have someone in your life that sees you and tells you that they see you, you know that this person cares deeply about you. They understand that desire to be visible, accepted, and loved as you are. Too often I love you comes with the desire to change the person or with blinders. You are loved for an idea of who you are, not who you are at your core, an image. This is not false love, that individual does love you, they just don't necessarily see you. It could be because you don't let them see you, or they are unable to view beyond their own boundaries, regardless of the reason there is a difference in the love and being seen.

I have a small group of people that "see" me. There is no need to explain things, though I often do regardless. They see me, understand my desire to explain myself even when not necessary. They see me through the anxiety, remind me that I am me, not my anxiety. They love me, simply for who I am. They tell me I am seen. I am valuable. I am loved. To me, the distinction is important; I do not desire to be loved on a pedestal, I desire to be loved and accepted for who I am. I desire to be seen, accepted for me. Me, the woman, mother, coordinator, therapist, backpacker/hiker, writer, and coach. But most of all me, the soul in a human body. A survivor and thriver of life's experiences; one who is on a path to create a life less ordinary for herself and her children.

So I ask you, who in your life sees you?

This is 40

In the past few months I have come to acknowledge the power of 40. Forty is not the naive youth of your 20s, nor the growth and experiences of your 30s, but the acceptance of your own being and recognition of your own power. Each decade before brought it's own growth, challenges and joy, and while I expect that the 40s will do the same there is a unique magic to 40. It comes with a dread and becomes an adventure.

At 40, a single, divorced mom of 4, I am more grounded than I was in the previous years. This does not come from age alone, but the internal growth I have undergone. Forty means stepping into my power, acknowledging who I am and accepting who I am. It is seeing me for me, loving her, even the parts I would change, and showing her to the world with the statement "I am me." For at 40 I can see me, the woman with the hips that carried 4 children; legs that have run marathons, chased children and hiked countless miles; a belly marked with stripes from carrying children; and hazel eyes that have seen joy, destruction, beauty, pain, love, and hope.

I have spent much of my life fighting myself, never quite fitting in, using that as my shield and torch. I am setting down those props and embracing my uniqueness with love. I will never be the one who spends weekends with lifelong childhood friends, driving through a neighborhood I have lived all my life. Instead, I am the one who has childhood friends across the states, friends with whom I can stay at a moment's notice, picking up right where we need to, despite a decade apart. Friends in Texas, Michigan, Florida, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, to name a few. I will always have a unique tribe, and it's something I enjoy, and at 40 am embracing with love. In fighting myself I faced every challenge alone, refusing to allow help. When the world said it was nearly impossible to complete a task, I would tell the world to sit down and watch me. It was set as a gauntlet, a challenge, not from a place of love. And you all did- you watched me fight through earning my PhD with 4 kids and husband; you watched me struggle with a license, housing and finances; you watched me battle the anxiety that was here pre-divorce and in earnest post-divorce. Now, at 40, I see my mistakes, when the task is nearly impossible I can complete it alone, but I can share the burden. I can chose to go forth in love or in fear.

At 40, I chose to go forth in love.

This is 40:

• seeing the woman in the mirror and loving her crinkles at her eyes, the light in her eyes, and all the little imperfections
• understanding that accepting help does not make you weaker, but stronger
• learning that love comes in all forms
• following passion and dreams, not only for yourself, but to model to your children
• finding the rhythms of parenting 4 unique individuals and accepting that you are never going to have all the answers
• accepting the situation at hand and then changing what you can
• taking risks, refusing to let fear and anxiety dictate
• choosing a life less ordinary and crafting it
• finding the courage in large and small situations to express my opinion, needs and desires regardless of the outcome

At 40, I go forth in love.

Gratitude

I was asked earlier this week to identify how I want to be thanked, acknowledged, recognized. How would I best like gratitude expressed to me? I stumbled in my response, this wasn't the usual survey that you complete at work that has basic options such as do you want to be publicly recognized, no public recognition, would you like a specific candy treat, etc that I have completed before. This was a genuine question and concern to acknowledge me and my contributions in a way that would be most comfortable and address my needs. Again, I stumbled. Maybe you know right off the bat, but I certainly didn't and promised that I would think and reflect.

It's uncomfortable to sit and think about this. Why? It's not that I don't believe that I am not worthy of the praise, nor that I don't deserve it. It's partially that I am not used to that type of recognition. Those of you who were around in the early years of this blog, following the journey to the PhD there was very little praise, it was a lot of criticism, not always constructive either. Those years certainly left a mark on me, as well as my marriage. It is a different feeling to be acknowledged for being yourself. The contributions I am making are certainly worth being recognized and gratitude expressed, though what I am doing is such a core part of me that at times it seems silly to "thank me" for doing what comes naturally. Though, I know from past experience that if I am not recognized it can lead to frustration, anger, resentment, and a lot of hurt feelings and misery on my end. So, I have to sit with my discomfort and find what is going to be the most accepting to balance my need to be recognized and seen and not be placed on a pedestal.

Two things that are always important to me are words and actions. It is through these that I feel the most loved, appreciated and seen. When you examine gratitude it is a form of love, so it only makes sense to tie back to what makes you feel loved. I want to hear it out loud, see it written and know that it comes genuinely from your heart.  Private notes, letters, texts, emails are wonderful ways to express this to me, as well as some recognition on a public level. The publicity is less important, as the critical component is the genuineness of the words. In taking the time and effort to acknowledge me in these ways you are also performing an action. Words are critical and crucial to me; though actions are also important. Tying this need into an expression of gratitude and recognition is challenging. I think for these purposes it means follow through, the completion of the desired action. Action isn't the same as gifts. While I enjoy receiving flowers, I appreciate the gesture as much as I appreciate the flowers themselves. Action is taking your time to do something for me, whether that is cooking for me, teaching me a new skill, or even sending me a song, poem, or book I might enjoy.

Through all of this the themes that emerge are connection and genuineness. The expression of recognition should be genuine, personal and written both privately and publicly. Expanding on that gratitude can be expressed through actions that reflect our connection. These may appear to be simple to many, but there is such beauty in the simplicity. I am not one for complexities in areas that do not require. As a woman with a complex, intricately chaotic life, the simplicity of my desires are a reflection of my core self. The external chaos requires a counterbalance of simplicity and connection. I desire to be seen, acknowledged, and recognized for my core being.

Me, just me

I'm sitting here in Madison halfway through my trip and already learned a big takeaway from this trip. As you know by now every single trip I take to Madison I have self-discovery, and this trip is no different. Tonight, was the big party night at Epic and I was all alone as I had been for most of the trip. Now the thing is that I am not the only one here from my company, there is a group of at least 10 other people here. Mind you, I am the only one here at my level, everyone else is in a formal leadership role and well above me. They're lovely people, but not people I interact with on a daily basis. They are the ones who judge and interpret my work (as well as my peers).

So, here I am all alone in a HUGE sea of people eating and crafting and hanging out. Guess what? It didn't bug me one bit that I was alone. I was quite content to eat my dinner, find a craft to do and then head out. There was no scanning the crowd to see if I might see them. There was no disappointment or anger at being excluded. There was no wishing that I was part of a big crazy group. I'm not saying I wouldn't have enjoyed it, what I'm saying is that it didn't bother me. I wasn't jealous or sad or frustrated. I was content. This is in direct contrast to last year where I was annoyed at being excluded and lonely. It's not to say last year I didn't enjoy myself, but there were underlying emotions impacting my night. Tonight there were none. It was truly an "I don't care" moment. I don't care that I'm one of the few singletons here in a sea of groups. It wasn't a let's show up and prove to myself (and everyone else) that I'm fine alone; it was just me being me. For that I am thankful and grateful.

Growth, it's all about growth.

Happiness and Perspective

Sometimes all it takes is a little time and perspective to find that piece that is missing. I know that it was just yesterday that I was writing about floating along. Today, I am grounded with a seed of happiness within me. How did it happen so fast? Let me tell you a little story.

As you may have guessed writing helps me process things. I write here on my blog, I journal, I write letters (some I send, some I don't). It just gives me a place to get it all out in different formats. On top of my writing I pray nightly and I reach out to specific friends (you know who you are). Today I woke up in a better space than where I was yesterday most of the day. Sometimes it's just about giving it time and really a good night's sleep in your own bed can do amazing healing. But today I spent the day doing outdoor chores. There was a pear tree that tried to take me down, and in fact knocked me back on butt about 5ft when my saw separated. I was fine, just a little bit of wind knocked out of me. But after a break I went back and attacked that tree to finish trimming it.

It was while I was standing next to my fire pit breaking up those pear tree branches that I found that grain of internal happiness and perspective. I was thinking random things and thinking about different people in my life. A thought crossed my mind about how impressive this act might be to a certain person, when I thought to myself. "Why am I trying to impress them with this mundane action?" And it hit me- I didn't need to impress them with my actions, they should be just be impressed/like me for me. I know, it's something I should know and believe, but I haven't believed that in a long while. Today though, it stuck.

I am me, perfectly imperfect, but just who I should be. I'm a mom to 4 amazing kids. I'm a pediatric PT. I've got a PhD. I'm a certified Epic clinical builder. I'm a lifeguard. I'm a runner. I'm a former crazy cloth diapering mama. I'm granola crunchy. I love fiercely and with my entire heart. I have anxiety but it does not define me. I cherish my friends and family. I have a very tight group of friends, preferring quality friendships over quantity.  I will help out anyone who needs it, but if my friends need me I will do everything in my power to help. I will pray for you. I love being outside. I'm not afraid of power tools and enjoy using them. I'll try anything once. I have a tattoo of hope on my wrist to help me focus in times of stress and pain.

It was a freeing moment to realize that I am enough. I don't have to impress anyone, and if you don't want to include me or forget to include me that's on you. I will be happy without you, but I would like to share my joy with you. And that my friends is my seed of happiness. As I promised a dear friend of mine, I'm not settling for a seed, but will seek more.