Single Parent Secrets

There is so much the world doesn't see with single parenting. The parents who feel guilty enjoying their kid-free time and then the guilt that comes when they arrive home and you're secretly wishing for just 1 more hour, 1 more day of quiet before love and chaos resumes. There's juggling the finances around so they can participate in school events, activities and all of those things, while managing 2-3 jobs to make it all work. Then working that much so you're tired A LOT, and feeling guilty when you want to spend a little of that hard-earned money on yourself. All of these are more visible aspects of single parent life.

What no one shares is the tears at night, the tears driving to and from work, and the journals where you share your fears, concerns and emotions that come with single parenting. The moments that you wish someone was there to carry your load for just a moment so you can breathe, give you a hug or hold your hand so you can get through it. I'm often told "I don't know how you do it." I do it because I have to, there is no one else. I have primary custody of my beautiful kids, so that means I carry the brunt of it all. Please don't get me wrong, I know my kids' father loves, cares and worries about them, but it's different when you are the primary caregiver. It doesn't matter how great of a support system you have, there are just times at 2am that you want to roll over, and share that burden. You want to have late night talks about how you're going to manage it all and even if you can't find a solution you know you have assistance. Those are the issues that single parents who were formerly a duo don't discuss. We don't discuss it because getting divorced is still taboo in many senses. 

Divorce is often viewed as the easy option, for people who quit, can't make it work, didn't try hard enough. So tell me again why I would share the sense of loss I feel when I'm struggling with an issue about my kids? Then you're conflicted because you feel like your energy and emotions should be poured into your child, but there's a very real sense of loss and singularity that happens in conjunction with it. I am stressed and upset about my child/children and then upset because I'm on my own in it. Moving from a 2 parent household to a single has so many more ramifications that most people can imagine. I know that not every 2 parent household has equal parenting burdens, but there is always the illusion that there is another adult there in which to share. Many of us cling to (or clung to) those illusions as a coping mechanism. There is no illusion in single parenthood. All it takes is to look in the mirror and you can there view your support system.

I have a support system, but they're not available all the time. They lead lives, have families and are often busy, just like I am. As much as they love me there are just times when they don't have time to talk, as much as they say they'll always have time they can't; it's not feasible. Sometimes your support system fails you through no fault of their own and sometimes your support system wants to fix you, fix the situation, and all you really want is someone to just walk with you through the rough patch. I am strong enough, capable enough, and independent enough to do what I need to do, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate someone to hold that space for me. Everyone needs people like that in their lives, not just single parents, and while I do, they're again not always available. So, as a single parent you do what you can, and sometimes that means having your support system be on point and sometimes it means crying yourself to sleep at night. In those latter instances you remind yourself that you are not truly alone, but if you're like me anxiety tries to spin another tale which leaves you exhausted as you're carrying multiple emotional burdens and now battling anxiety. 

Do you see why everyone says I'm so strong?

Do you see why everyone wonders how I do it?

Do you see why many single parents struggle to ask for help?

Do you see why I mean it when I say call me at 2am or 3am?

Do you see my secrets now?

Fears

Let's be real- we ALL have fears about something. Even that super secure person who you know has a fear somewhere, it's part of the human existence. It's what we do about our fears that's important. And me? I have a number of them, but for the most part I've learned how to recognize them and work through them. There has been one that has plagued me though: loneliness.

Even before going through this crazy divorce process I have had issues with being lonely. I know no one likes to be lonely, but I was especially sensitive to it, likely from my anxiety. As I started the separation and divorce process I suddenly found myself with lots of alone time. At that point in my life alone time equated loneliness. I couldn't see how to be alone and content, unless I was engrossed in a book; being alone meant being lonely. Thankfully, with the help of my therapist and the work I put in I learned how to separate the two and learned to be alone and content. There are still moments where I struggle, but the majority of the time I do just fine. Now, there are times I crave the solitude and peace that comes with being alone, that chance to be alone with my thoughts, feelings and just be.

There has continued to be an underlying issue of not wanting to be alone, which I assumed stemmed from the separation/divorce. It wasn't until very recently I uncovered that it's not a fear of being alone or being lonely, but of being forgotten. It's a fear of not being seen, acknowledged, included. I think we all struggle with this on some level, and primary caregivers especially. When you factor in that I'm now a single mom to 4, work a behind the scenes desk job, and was raised with mobile roots there are moments when I feel prone to invisibility. I know now when I feel invisible I am more likely to trigger feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

All of that begs, what am I going to do about it? Well, to be brutally honest I don't know yet. Knowing the root cause helps me logically, but I still have work to do. For now when the feelings hit I remember all the times that someone has remembered me, made me feel special and included me. It's certainly something I'll be addressing in my therapy sessions and working on at home. I will not let this fear rule me or interrupt my life any further. I don't have to be Nelson Mandela, Gabby Douglas, or Rosa Parks to be remembered. I just need to be a genuine me.

Avoidance is not a good thing

So earlier today I wrote you all a relatively light post about clothing because I was avoiding the real issue. I figured if I wrote something that it would help, but by not addressing the issue I made it worse. Now that you're wondering what the issue was, it's such a simple complex thing. I was lonely.

I was lonely and it was triggering my anxiety. I did what I was supposed to do. I reached out to people; I did my deep breathing. I took a walk; I read a book. I engaged in distractions (bills and the Eagles game). Here's the thing though, I managed to keep some of the anxiety at bay, but not enough. So when my kiddos walked in the door after being at their dad's all weekend I started to lose my cool. I was snipping and snapping at them for no real reason other than I was anxious and their exuberance was setting me off. All I wanted/needed was a hug, but they were too wound up to give any. I found myself wishing that they were still with their dad, and then immediately felt huge mom guilt. I realized I actually wanted them home, but just asleep so that I could have them here. And even that thought gave me mom guilt. Let's just say that guilt+loneliness+anxiety was not a good thing.

Here's the truth about single parenting and split parenting, it's tougher than anything I've ever done, including that PhD. I love my kids with all my heart and I'd do anything for them. I want the world for them. I heard Jason Mraz's Have It All during the midst of my meltdown and all I could think about was what I want for my kids and how I was desperately failing them. I mean what mom wants their kids to leave within minutes of them being home? Me- this majorly flawed mama does. But we all know that's the anxiety talking and not the truth. It's tough to admit and even write about those parts of the meltdown I was having, but it's one of the best ways to conquer the shame and guilt.

With a little bit of managing I was able to get myself together and try to make some sense of the anxiety. Truth? A lot was rooted in the loneliness, but some is rooted in knowing that tomorrow, October 1, is another step in the divorce process as the lawyers head to court. It brings up fresh waves of grief. I was brought to my knees bawling in the middle of my kitchen as Dan + Shay sang From the Ground Up as I thought about what could have been and where I thought I would be. I never imagined I would be a single, divorced mom of 4, closing in on 40. I know the grieving and healing process takes time and this is just another step, but it took me off guard.

I spent the night battling tears while cooking dinner, eating dinner and bathing my kiddos. Anxiety, loneliness and grief are not a good combination. When they finally went to bed I was relieved. I could be present with my emotions. With a gift from the muses my streaming tuned into Shawn Mendes' In My Blood and I was taken in again, as I often am with this song. It's one of the few that can pull the tears instantly and again, I was crying in my kitchen, melting, wishing for someone to be here. If you haven't really listened to that song please go do. This is a section of the lyrics/chorus:

I need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

It really speaks to where I was at and what I needed.  My walls are crashing and I want to give up, but I can't and won't. I didn't get to where I am today by quitting. But truth, I'm lonely and sad and I don't want to turn out my light to sleep alone. That's the reality of my life tonight.