I'm sitting here in Madison halfway through my trip and already learned a big takeaway from this trip. As you know by now every single trip I take to Madison I have self-discovery, and this trip is no different. Tonight, was the big party night at Epic and I was all alone as I had been for most of the trip. Now the thing is that I am not the only one here from my company, there is a group of at least 10 other people here. Mind you, I am the only one here at my level, everyone else is in a formal leadership role and well above me. They're lovely people, but not people I interact with on a daily basis. They are the ones who judge and interpret my work (as well as my peers).
So, here I am all alone in a HUGE sea of people eating and crafting and hanging out. Guess what? It didn't bug me one bit that I was alone. I was quite content to eat my dinner, find a craft to do and then head out. There was no scanning the crowd to see if I might see them. There was no disappointment or anger at being excluded. There was no wishing that I was part of a big crazy group. I'm not saying I wouldn't have enjoyed it, what I'm saying is that it didn't bother me. I wasn't jealous or sad or frustrated. I was content. This is in direct contrast to last year where I was annoyed at being excluded and lonely. It's not to say last year I didn't enjoy myself, but there were underlying emotions impacting my night. Tonight there were none. It was truly an "I don't care" moment. I don't care that I'm one of the few singletons here in a sea of groups. It wasn't a let's show up and prove to myself (and everyone else) that I'm fine alone; it was just me being me. For that I am thankful and grateful.
Growth, it's all about growth.
Showing posts with label Madison. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Madison. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Change
Life has a way of changing rapidly and unexpectedly at times. The truth is those plots twists, curve balls and change-ups can't always be an instantaneous "move on." There's emotions to process, habits to change and many other adjustments that need to be made. A month ago there was a curveball thrown my way completely unexpected, and it has been quite a challenge. It was of course complicated by my family's vacation a few days afterwards, so I had minimal time to process.
All that being noted, this twist is going to be good for me. I've spent the last few months wrapped up in other things and not working on me as much as I likely needed. I have taken this time to work on changing up my future and myself in the process. I am taking the time to get back to looking at those big dreams and making them into goals. I'm processing different parts of me that I have neglected because of other anxieties. It's become a season of personal growth.
I'm certainly not moving on smoothly though. There are moments I struggle, forgetting the change, and there are moments that I am hit so hard I have stomach pains and difficulty breathing. Then there are moments where I realize everything is good and I feel great. It's been quite a roller coaster ride. Truth is I started this post weeks ago but haven't had the clarity to complete it. A trip to Madison and my head is clear enough at the moment to find my ground.
There's not much to say except that even a "plot twist" deserves your time to process your emotions. If you're moving on quickly without processing then you're either deluding yourself or the "wrong" that happened wasn't truly that important to you. So I challenge you to look at your reactions to changes and honor your emotional response. As my therapist likes to tell me at times, it's ok to be sad and grieve, it's not ok to set-up camp there.
Friday, March 22, 2019
Careless Words
On my ride to my training this morning I was riding quietly with my eyes closed just listening to the general chatter around me. Then suddenly my ears perked up as I heard the two women behind me say something about single parenting. One made a comment about never wanting to be a single parent, and the other followed it up with a "why would anyone chose to be single parent?" And from there the conversation became a short commentary on being a single parent, and it was clear from the tone and comments that they were not single parents. I grabbed my headphones and cranked up some music quickly as I felt my anxiety rising and tears trying to form.
The headphones and music were there to both block the commentary from them and to prevent me from commenting. It really took a lot of energy not to turn around snap with some snarky comments, but really my snark would not have accomplished anything but making me look like a bitter single mom. ALL of us single parents deserve a better reputation than what I wanted to dish out to these two women. I get where these women were coming from in a sense, though I would like to think I wouldn't have sounded as judgmental as these women. When you're struggling to parent in a duo it's difficult to fathom being a single parent, especially one by choice. I even used to make comments when their dad went out of town that I was doing "the single parent thing." Yeah, I didn't get it at all, the true difference in single parenting vs parenting solo while my partner was away.
Now, I live the difference on a daily basis. And those careless, judgmental words from these two random strangers stung a lot. I got married and started my amazing family never at all dreaming or thinking I would be where I am today. Being a single parent with primary custody wasn't on my radar until it became my life. I do the best I can, and I make a LOT of mistakes, just like most parents. Maybe I feel these mistakes more, maybe all single parents feel them more, especially those of us who are divorced who raised our families initially with what society considers an "intact" family. It hurts to hear those words, like somehow in making a choice to be a single parent I am doing my children a disservice. The truth is, and psychological research demonstrates it, that children of divorced parents do better than those with "intact" families where the parents do not get along. I've seen the results in my own children, with improved behavior and significantly less illness. Stress does crazy things to our bodies as adults, and wrecks havoc in children.
My single parent life is something that I chose and I don't regret it. It may cause me pain, be one of the most challenging undertakings of my life, but ALL of parenting is challenging. I wish that these women could have been more open and accepting of a parenting situation different from their own. I wish that I had had the grace to speak to them openly and calmly. At this moment hours later, there is nothing I can do to address them; all I can do is share the impact of their careless words.
The headphones and music were there to both block the commentary from them and to prevent me from commenting. It really took a lot of energy not to turn around snap with some snarky comments, but really my snark would not have accomplished anything but making me look like a bitter single mom. ALL of us single parents deserve a better reputation than what I wanted to dish out to these two women. I get where these women were coming from in a sense, though I would like to think I wouldn't have sounded as judgmental as these women. When you're struggling to parent in a duo it's difficult to fathom being a single parent, especially one by choice. I even used to make comments when their dad went out of town that I was doing "the single parent thing." Yeah, I didn't get it at all, the true difference in single parenting vs parenting solo while my partner was away.
Now, I live the difference on a daily basis. And those careless, judgmental words from these two random strangers stung a lot. I got married and started my amazing family never at all dreaming or thinking I would be where I am today. Being a single parent with primary custody wasn't on my radar until it became my life. I do the best I can, and I make a LOT of mistakes, just like most parents. Maybe I feel these mistakes more, maybe all single parents feel them more, especially those of us who are divorced who raised our families initially with what society considers an "intact" family. It hurts to hear those words, like somehow in making a choice to be a single parent I am doing my children a disservice. The truth is, and psychological research demonstrates it, that children of divorced parents do better than those with "intact" families where the parents do not get along. I've seen the results in my own children, with improved behavior and significantly less illness. Stress does crazy things to our bodies as adults, and wrecks havoc in children.
My single parent life is something that I chose and I don't regret it. It may cause me pain, be one of the most challenging undertakings of my life, but ALL of parenting is challenging. I wish that these women could have been more open and accepting of a parenting situation different from their own. I wish that I had had the grace to speak to them openly and calmly. At this moment hours later, there is nothing I can do to address them; all I can do is share the impact of their careless words.
Monday, October 8, 2018
"Love belongs with belonging" ~Brené Brown
First off, the title of this post is a direct quote from Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection. I have started this book at least twice before and never made it past the first chapter or 2. It brought me to tears and made me so raw and uncomfortable that I put it down, vowing I would get back to it. After this summer of growth and a desire to keep growing it has been on my list to start again. A few weeks ago I picked it up and read the first 2 chapters. Did it hurt? Yes. Was I able to process her writing? Yes, which was a first for me.
This morning I picked up the book again and vowed to make it through another chapter. This chapter is about Love and Belonging. I won't delve into it, you need to get the book. But throughout the chapter she stresses that love and belonging belong together, and that belonging is different than fitting in. I had an epiphany, realizing that I have spent a large portion of my adult life working on fitting in, but not belonging. I can "fit" into many situations, I attribute this to the very different life experiences I had growing up. I can chameleon myself into a specific version of me. And truth be told it's uncomfortable at times. Always hiding, changing, evolving into this other version of me. I will never forget in grad school being told by my advisor to tone down my "yankeeness" and rely more on my "Texas roots." In response to that I do believe that I ended up playing up my northernness more because that's who I felt I was at that time. But really? I'm a combination of NorthEast girl with some Texan tendencies.
Luckily, this summer on that fateful first trip to Madison I found me. That raw, real me. The one who can be snarky and sweet, but also fierce and loving. The woman who still mails handwritten letters to friends, delivers homemade applesauce to deserving friends, would drive 2 hours to see you and who loves her kids fiercely with all her heart. I got to be me on that trip and it was freeing. I wasn't a mom, a partner or any other role but me. In fact, my dear friend that I made in Madison pointed out to me as I complained about wearing multiple hats (roles) that they're just hats and I can get rid of them easily and just be me. He was lucky enough to see that raw, vulnerable me in Madison and remind me later of who I am. I'm sure this is a reason that we are still friends despite the distance the short time we spent together. He accepted the raw me and loved me (as a friend) as I was.
So how do I become that raw vulnerable me here in my everyday life? It is something I am going to have to work at. It's so easy to slip into our roles: mom, coach, therapist, analyst, friend, etc. I will have to practice being me; raw, vulnerable me in each of these roles. It will not be easy, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me to let that vulnerability out, but I will not hide. I have hidden so much of myself, especially the last 3 years, that this might be one of the most important undertakings. In recognizing myself and practicing living as me, I know that I will experience that true belonging I have been lacking.
This morning I picked up the book again and vowed to make it through another chapter. This chapter is about Love and Belonging. I won't delve into it, you need to get the book. But throughout the chapter she stresses that love and belonging belong together, and that belonging is different than fitting in. I had an epiphany, realizing that I have spent a large portion of my adult life working on fitting in, but not belonging. I can "fit" into many situations, I attribute this to the very different life experiences I had growing up. I can chameleon myself into a specific version of me. And truth be told it's uncomfortable at times. Always hiding, changing, evolving into this other version of me. I will never forget in grad school being told by my advisor to tone down my "yankeeness" and rely more on my "Texas roots." In response to that I do believe that I ended up playing up my northernness more because that's who I felt I was at that time. But really? I'm a combination of NorthEast girl with some Texan tendencies.
Luckily, this summer on that fateful first trip to Madison I found me. That raw, real me. The one who can be snarky and sweet, but also fierce and loving. The woman who still mails handwritten letters to friends, delivers homemade applesauce to deserving friends, would drive 2 hours to see you and who loves her kids fiercely with all her heart. I got to be me on that trip and it was freeing. I wasn't a mom, a partner or any other role but me. In fact, my dear friend that I made in Madison pointed out to me as I complained about wearing multiple hats (roles) that they're just hats and I can get rid of them easily and just be me. He was lucky enough to see that raw, vulnerable me in Madison and remind me later of who I am. I'm sure this is a reason that we are still friends despite the distance the short time we spent together. He accepted the raw me and loved me (as a friend) as I was.
So how do I become that raw vulnerable me here in my everyday life? It is something I am going to have to work at. It's so easy to slip into our roles: mom, coach, therapist, analyst, friend, etc. I will have to practice being me; raw, vulnerable me in each of these roles. It will not be easy, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me to let that vulnerability out, but I will not hide. I have hidden so much of myself, especially the last 3 years, that this might be one of the most important undertakings. In recognizing myself and practicing living as me, I know that I will experience that true belonging I have been lacking.
Friday, August 3, 2018
It must be Madison thing
There must be something about Madison. My first business trip to Madison made me an incredible friend and helped me immensely in my healing. That single trip helped me gain confidence and freedom from some of my anxiety. And now after a second trip I learned more about myself again and continue to heal and progress.
This trip I was not as lucky to make a fantastic friend, but really I didn't think that would happen again. In fact, I spent a lot of this past trip alone. For those of you know who know me well, know that this can be recipe for an anxiety disaster. Even on my trip in June when I was practically attached at the hip to my new friend I had an anxiety breakdown one night. But this trip I had almost no instances of anxiety. It was a peaceful trip. I won't say it wasn't weird to be back there at the same hotel, riding the shuttle alone and eating at mostly the same restaurants without my buddy. I had been worried going into the trip that having these powerful memories of joy and happiness from the previous trip would potentially send me on a crazy downward anxiety spiral. I will say I did spend the first day and half looking for my bud until I managed to get it into my head that they wouldn't be there. I also attempted to get into my old room a few times due to force of habit. (go ahead and laugh- I did)
I had to accept the fact that I was going to be alone for periods of time, especially when class began and it was clear most of my classmates were already paired. I missed my partner immensely, but I was able to dig into the material and focus. It was at lunch the first day that it struck me that I wasn't sad or stressed or anxious about being alone. I smiled and set out to be social. I sat a table with some other people there for training not in my class. We chatted and it was pleasant, but then they left and I had 20 minutes to spare. I found myself alone and at peace standing looking at the farmland surrounding me. It was an entirely new experience. I felt centered.
Throughout my trip I could be on the deck and look over the farmland and know I was alone, but I was at peace. I could have the same peace staring out my hotel room window or the bus. I didn't have any anxiety. I was calm and centered. I could go to dinner without a book and just smile at the people around me in groups. I could eat lunch alone in peace. And on my last full day there when I was ditched not once, but twice, at lunch I could smile and laugh about it. I marveled in the fact that the two different women who ditched me mid-lunch were missing out my awesome personality. I used to make jokes about this, but I never truly believed it; this time I really believed it in my being.
I can't say what it was that made the difference. It wasn't an event or a person that made the shift, but it was an internal discovery. Now that I'm home I'm working to recapture that sense of peace, but I know I am not the same woman that left for Madison less than a week ago. While I'm not as peaceful and centered as I was there, I am working towards it. And that my friends is huge progress. There must be something about Madison.....
This trip I was not as lucky to make a fantastic friend, but really I didn't think that would happen again. In fact, I spent a lot of this past trip alone. For those of you know who know me well, know that this can be recipe for an anxiety disaster. Even on my trip in June when I was practically attached at the hip to my new friend I had an anxiety breakdown one night. But this trip I had almost no instances of anxiety. It was a peaceful trip. I won't say it wasn't weird to be back there at the same hotel, riding the shuttle alone and eating at mostly the same restaurants without my buddy. I had been worried going into the trip that having these powerful memories of joy and happiness from the previous trip would potentially send me on a crazy downward anxiety spiral. I will say I did spend the first day and half looking for my bud until I managed to get it into my head that they wouldn't be there. I also attempted to get into my old room a few times due to force of habit. (go ahead and laugh- I did)
I had to accept the fact that I was going to be alone for periods of time, especially when class began and it was clear most of my classmates were already paired. I missed my partner immensely, but I was able to dig into the material and focus. It was at lunch the first day that it struck me that I wasn't sad or stressed or anxious about being alone. I smiled and set out to be social. I sat a table with some other people there for training not in my class. We chatted and it was pleasant, but then they left and I had 20 minutes to spare. I found myself alone and at peace standing looking at the farmland surrounding me. It was an entirely new experience. I felt centered.
Throughout my trip I could be on the deck and look over the farmland and know I was alone, but I was at peace. I could have the same peace staring out my hotel room window or the bus. I didn't have any anxiety. I was calm and centered. I could go to dinner without a book and just smile at the people around me in groups. I could eat lunch alone in peace. And on my last full day there when I was ditched not once, but twice, at lunch I could smile and laugh about it. I marveled in the fact that the two different women who ditched me mid-lunch were missing out my awesome personality. I used to make jokes about this, but I never truly believed it; this time I really believed it in my being.
I can't say what it was that made the difference. It wasn't an event or a person that made the shift, but it was an internal discovery. Now that I'm home I'm working to recapture that sense of peace, but I know I am not the same woman that left for Madison less than a week ago. While I'm not as peaceful and centered as I was there, I am working towards it. And that my friends is huge progress. There must be something about Madison.....
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