This is 40

In the past few months I have come to acknowledge the power of 40. Forty is not the naive youth of your 20s, nor the growth and experiences of your 30s, but the acceptance of your own being and recognition of your own power. Each decade before brought it's own growth, challenges and joy, and while I expect that the 40s will do the same there is a unique magic to 40. It comes with a dread and becomes an adventure.

At 40, a single, divorced mom of 4, I am more grounded than I was in the previous years. This does not come from age alone, but the internal growth I have undergone. Forty means stepping into my power, acknowledging who I am and accepting who I am. It is seeing me for me, loving her, even the parts I would change, and showing her to the world with the statement "I am me." For at 40 I can see me, the woman with the hips that carried 4 children; legs that have run marathons, chased children and hiked countless miles; a belly marked with stripes from carrying children; and hazel eyes that have seen joy, destruction, beauty, pain, love, and hope.

I have spent much of my life fighting myself, never quite fitting in, using that as my shield and torch. I am setting down those props and embracing my uniqueness with love. I will never be the one who spends weekends with lifelong childhood friends, driving through a neighborhood I have lived all my life. Instead, I am the one who has childhood friends across the states, friends with whom I can stay at a moment's notice, picking up right where we need to, despite a decade apart. Friends in Texas, Michigan, Florida, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, to name a few. I will always have a unique tribe, and it's something I enjoy, and at 40 am embracing with love. In fighting myself I faced every challenge alone, refusing to allow help. When the world said it was nearly impossible to complete a task, I would tell the world to sit down and watch me. It was set as a gauntlet, a challenge, not from a place of love. And you all did- you watched me fight through earning my PhD with 4 kids and husband; you watched me struggle with a license, housing and finances; you watched me battle the anxiety that was here pre-divorce and in earnest post-divorce. Now, at 40, I see my mistakes, when the task is nearly impossible I can complete it alone, but I can share the burden. I can chose to go forth in love or in fear.

At 40, I chose to go forth in love.

This is 40:

• seeing the woman in the mirror and loving her crinkles at her eyes, the light in her eyes, and all the little imperfections
• understanding that accepting help does not make you weaker, but stronger
• learning that love comes in all forms
• following passion and dreams, not only for yourself, but to model to your children
• finding the rhythms of parenting 4 unique individuals and accepting that you are never going to have all the answers
• accepting the situation at hand and then changing what you can
• taking risks, refusing to let fear and anxiety dictate
• choosing a life less ordinary and crafting it
• finding the courage in large and small situations to express my opinion, needs and desires regardless of the outcome

At 40, I go forth in love.

Memories on Repeat

How many of you play the shoulda, coulda, woulda game with yourself? You know the game where you replay those moments over and over and over again with how you would have done things differently? I have to admit that this game has been playing in my my head the past 2 days. It's one that I do not enjoy and one that triggers my anxiety and increases my anxiety. It's a rabbit hole of worry, worthiness and anxiety that can turn into a spiral of anxiety leaving me restless, unsettled and irritable.

Despite the game occurring in my head over the past 2 days I have been able to keep the majority of anxiety at bay. I don't know whether to be thankful that it is only a handful of memories that keep resurfacing or annoyed that I'm watching the same show on repeat. These moments are ones that are not necessarily pivotal in my life, but ones where a different statement from me may have made the situation have a different outcome. This is why I believe they are on repeat in my head, it's my way of dealing with the outcome of the situation that I have not yet healed from. I am working on accepting the choice I made in the moment and accepting the person that I was in that moment. And that my friends is a tough thing.

We all struggle on some level with acceptance of our imperfect selves. I have yet to meet an individual who 100% accepts their flaws and imperfections. Even the people that I know are so grounded and centered have something to which they have difficulty accepting. From our outward appearances to our mental health we all struggle. Personally, I struggle with this anxiety. It's there, a battle that I feel like I am constantly fighting, while at other moments I know it's lurking, hiding, waiting for me. I know it's the one thing that I would change about myself: I would heal the anxiety. Despite the lessons I've learned and growth that has come from it, it can be exhausting. I heal it a little bit everyday, but it's likely one of those things that will never 100% disappear. If I'm honest that bothers me, and I have to take a moment each day to make peace with that. Then there are days like the last few where I just can't make peace with it, playing the game and memories on repeat.

It will get better though, I do believe that. Faith and hope carry me through.