A Year of Change

From snowboarding to scones to fondue and cheesecake it was a weekend of food and memories. I had the pleasure of spending the weekend celebrating a milestone birthday with my guy. We hit the indoor slopes on Friday to snowboard, enjoyed dinners with parents on different nights, family bonding, and plenty of time just as us. I spoiled him with a few of his favorite foods, and he enjoyed, and is still enjoying, discovering penguins hidden throughout his house. Presents were opened and to quote him "It was a perfect weekend."

It was quite the contrast to where we were 1 year ago. A year ago we had just broken up, as our relationship was simply too much for both of us. I was in denial that it was too much, but in truth the traumas that we had both experienced over the past 6+ months were impacting us, and impacting the relationship that we were building. There was a mutual respect for each other and an agreement to stay in touch. We both knew that the other was a person that we still wanted in our life, yet something had to change. His genuine heart, unique perspectives, and ability to make me laugh were not things that I wanted to lose. Even though I did not want to lose contact with him I knew that space was needed for both of us. I needed to grieve this change, find my footing, and more forward in healthy ways. It provided me the opportunity for growth and clarity, demonstrating that I did not collapse, my world did not collapse, when something unexpected occurred.

These lessons came after the spring of 2023 where everything burned and my world appeared to be no more. Only 6 months later arrived the ending of something special, and I found myself sad, upset, and yet still standing with strength I did not have prior. I also had hope. I had hope for the continued friendship of us. While our contact was extremely minimal at first it grew slowly and tentatively. We had to navigate being only friends while still processing our previous traumas and growing into our own. As the time progressed there was still a hesitancy, but glimmers of our connection appeared. And when I opened the discussion of snowboarding the barriers began to fall faster. 

He helped me navigate and plan to take my crew snowboarding for the first time. His generous nature shining through and overwhelming at every turn and text. With a common goal we found ourselves in more frequent communication and our friendship growing. There were some challenging moments, but with the pressure of an intimate relationship removed the communication was easier. Laughter came frequently and the night we went to dinner as friends is one that I like to revisit in my head. While there were a few moments that challenged me the hours we spent chatting and laughing reminded me so much of our previous dates that I was extremely happy to have him back in my life. It was these moments and the ones following that strengthened our friendship and carried us through the holidays of 2023.

Two and half months following our break-up we found ourselves starting again. It was unexpected, and yet it felt right. Slowly we have found our way, and this was a capstone weekend for us. It was a year of change, a year of growth, and a year of falling in love with ourselves and each other.

      

Closure

A little envelope came in the mail today. Nothing fancy, but I knew what was in it: the official divorce decree. How did I know? I had an email from my attorney earlier in the week with the PDF copy of it, so I knew my hard copy was to arrive soon. It's such a simple little thing, two sheets of paper in a legal envelope, marking the end of a chapter. So different than the multiple pages signed and agreed upon dividing up the things that made up our life. This is just an 8x10 sheet with a raised, notarized stamp saying we approve of your multi-page settlement, but it carries with it a finality that the larger document does not.

I knew the day was coming that it would arrive, and I didn't know how I would react. I know many have gone to celebrate; I know many have gone to go weep, and then others somewhere in the middle. It's been such an emotional process these past 3 years that to reach this milestone, chapter closure, I don't know exactly what I feel. Relief? Thankfulness that it's done? Grief? Likely it's a combination of all of these and more.

My marriage wasn't easy, and I'm aware that no marriage is easy, but marriages that end in divorce have their own struggles that a healthy marriage cannot understand. When you factor in children it adds to the complexity of the grieving and healing process. My therapist has told me that in her experiences those that divorce without children may often heal faster as it is a clean break. Those of us with children are going to interact with this person for the rest of our lives, and on a more frequent basis until they are 18. This alone create stress and anxiety, so while we are officially divorced I still have to interact with their dad frequently for the benefit of our children. I say it not to be a martyr, but to be clear that in this instance my wants and needs are superseded by those of my children. So the "freedom" that has been granted me officially has a different connotation than to a woman who does not have children.

I will say it has been heady going and officially changing my name at Social Security and the DMV. It's about creating my own identity. I am not the person that my parents named as an infant, nor the woman that assumed a name at 23, this time I am choosing me, my name. I returned to my maiden name, but kept my "new" middle name. In choosing this new name I chose my new identity, display my power and revel in the magic that I am creating. I have to think every time I sign my name to make sure I identify myself correctly and that is a powerful reminder of who I am choosing.

I chose me. I chose life. I chose happiness and love. I chose to show my children that it takes all different kinds of courage to make a life worth living. So while I sit here tonight processing the impact of an envelope I examine and reflect on the gift of closure. This isn't the "when a door closes open a window scenario," this is a chose your own adventure book. Skip ahead to page 44 to pick up your story. While I reach closure on this process I know I am in a period of transition, on my way to living what I'm terming "a life less ordinary." Surely some of you are thinking that I already live a less than ordinary life, and while I do, there is still more to see and do and experience.

Follow me along this next trail while I explore, develop and grow into my chosen self and my life less ordinary.

Change

Life has a way of changing rapidly and unexpectedly at times. The truth is those plots twists, curve balls and change-ups can't always be an instantaneous "move on." There's emotions to process, habits to change and many other adjustments that need to be made. A month ago there was a curveball thrown my way completely unexpected, and it has been quite a challenge. It was of course complicated by my family's vacation a few days afterwards, so I had minimal time to process.

All that being noted, this twist is going to be good for me. I've spent the last few months wrapped up in other things and not working on me as much as I likely needed. I have taken this time to work on changing up my future and myself in the process. I am taking the time to get back to looking at those big dreams and making them into goals. I'm processing different parts of me that I have neglected because of other anxieties. It's become a season of personal growth.

I'm certainly not moving on smoothly though. There are moments I struggle, forgetting the change, and there are moments that I am hit so hard I have stomach pains and difficulty breathing. Then there are moments where I realize everything is good and I feel great. It's been quite a roller coaster ride. Truth is I started this post weeks ago but haven't had the clarity to complete it. A trip to Madison and my head is clear enough at the moment to find my ground.

There's not much to say except that even a "plot twist" deserves your time to process your emotions. If you're moving on quickly without processing then you're either deluding yourself or the "wrong" that happened wasn't truly that important to you. So I challenge you to look at your reactions to changes and honor your emotional response. As my therapist likes to tell me at times, it's ok to be sad and grieve, it's not ok to set-up camp there.