Saturday Busy

 A few more minutes sleep and being in bed was all I wanted this morning, then I glanced at the clock and found myself nearly out of time to cook a meal and drive the oldest to go cheer at a local 5k. The clock was pushing at me, relentless in its movement forward, dwindling the time available. Muffins were baked, eggs were cooked and we were out the door, her with the muffin in hand, and me to return to finish cooking my own breakfast and to sit and enjoy, even if briefly, that cup of hot coffee. On that drive to drop her off I mused at the weather, sunny skies with clouds, a breeze, and cool, with a hint of warmth coming- perfect hiking weather I found myself thinking. Yet I knew that a hike was not in the plan for today.

Today was filled with the jumble of kid activities, the constant movement from one to another. Cheerleading at the 5k, gymnastics for 1, cheerleading practice for 2, which morphed into for 3, my other child enjoying the fall day with friends at a carnival, and me in and out of the car, squeezing in a run for my health and sanity. In the midst of all of this we completed a final harvest of the garden, pulled up the plants, and began changing out the summer clothes for winter clothes. It was a full day here in this single parent household, and while I'm thankful and grateful to have active children it would be nice to take a day to enjoy a fall activity. I had so hoped to take them to a corn maze and pick pumpkins, and while the possibility exists for it to occur tomorrow, it does mean jamming it in between activities.

Sunday will not be a day of rest for us. One child has to serve at church at the early service, and my oldest has yet another cheerleading event in the morning, followed by one in the afternoon. It is in moments like these that I miss the quietness of quarantine. We had more opportunities to hike, take our time, relax, and reset. While my kids are easy going, go with the flow, kids, it can be a strain on me to shuttle them around. There is not that moment to rest, reset, and find that connection into ourselves when the clock is demanding that you manage your time. While a 34 min run allowed me to reconnect, it was squeezed in between so many other things that the recovery and lasting effects were short lived.

This post is not a complaint- all parents with kids in activities go through very similar issues, both in single parent and dual parent households; this post is sharing a moment in the life of a single parent of 4. A mom simply wishing to take her kids out to do a fun family activity without being aware of the clock. This post is a tired mom wishing for time to breathe for herself, juggling the desire to spend quality time with her kids and the want to be alone. This post is a mom finding space for both of those and living in the moment. This is her doing her best to balance her own needs and those of her children. For tonight I am thankful for their health, their joy and commitment to their activities, and my ability to manage it all.

Single Parent Secrets

There is so much the world doesn't see with single parenting. The parents who feel guilty enjoying their kid-free time and then the guilt that comes when they arrive home and you're secretly wishing for just 1 more hour, 1 more day of quiet before love and chaos resumes. There's juggling the finances around so they can participate in school events, activities and all of those things, while managing 2-3 jobs to make it all work. Then working that much so you're tired A LOT, and feeling guilty when you want to spend a little of that hard-earned money on yourself. All of these are more visible aspects of single parent life.

What no one shares is the tears at night, the tears driving to and from work, and the journals where you share your fears, concerns and emotions that come with single parenting. The moments that you wish someone was there to carry your load for just a moment so you can breathe, give you a hug or hold your hand so you can get through it. I'm often told "I don't know how you do it." I do it because I have to, there is no one else. I have primary custody of my beautiful kids, so that means I carry the brunt of it all. Please don't get me wrong, I know my kids' father loves, cares and worries about them, but it's different when you are the primary caregiver. It doesn't matter how great of a support system you have, there are just times at 2am that you want to roll over, and share that burden. You want to have late night talks about how you're going to manage it all and even if you can't find a solution you know you have assistance. Those are the issues that single parents who were formerly a duo don't discuss. We don't discuss it because getting divorced is still taboo in many senses. 

Divorce is often viewed as the easy option, for people who quit, can't make it work, didn't try hard enough. So tell me again why I would share the sense of loss I feel when I'm struggling with an issue about my kids? Then you're conflicted because you feel like your energy and emotions should be poured into your child, but there's a very real sense of loss and singularity that happens in conjunction with it. I am stressed and upset about my child/children and then upset because I'm on my own in it. Moving from a 2 parent household to a single has so many more ramifications that most people can imagine. I know that not every 2 parent household has equal parenting burdens, but there is always the illusion that there is another adult there in which to share. Many of us cling to (or clung to) those illusions as a coping mechanism. There is no illusion in single parenthood. All it takes is to look in the mirror and you can there view your support system.

I have a support system, but they're not available all the time. They lead lives, have families and are often busy, just like I am. As much as they love me there are just times when they don't have time to talk, as much as they say they'll always have time they can't; it's not feasible. Sometimes your support system fails you through no fault of their own and sometimes your support system wants to fix you, fix the situation, and all you really want is someone to just walk with you through the rough patch. I am strong enough, capable enough, and independent enough to do what I need to do, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate someone to hold that space for me. Everyone needs people like that in their lives, not just single parents, and while I do, they're again not always available. So, as a single parent you do what you can, and sometimes that means having your support system be on point and sometimes it means crying yourself to sleep at night. In those latter instances you remind yourself that you are not truly alone, but if you're like me anxiety tries to spin another tale which leaves you exhausted as you're carrying multiple emotional burdens and now battling anxiety. 

Do you see why everyone says I'm so strong?

Do you see why everyone wonders how I do it?

Do you see why many single parents struggle to ask for help?

Do you see why I mean it when I say call me at 2am or 3am?

Do you see my secrets now?

This is 40

In the past few months I have come to acknowledge the power of 40. Forty is not the naive youth of your 20s, nor the growth and experiences of your 30s, but the acceptance of your own being and recognition of your own power. Each decade before brought it's own growth, challenges and joy, and while I expect that the 40s will do the same there is a unique magic to 40. It comes with a dread and becomes an adventure.

At 40, a single, divorced mom of 4, I am more grounded than I was in the previous years. This does not come from age alone, but the internal growth I have undergone. Forty means stepping into my power, acknowledging who I am and accepting who I am. It is seeing me for me, loving her, even the parts I would change, and showing her to the world with the statement "I am me." For at 40 I can see me, the woman with the hips that carried 4 children; legs that have run marathons, chased children and hiked countless miles; a belly marked with stripes from carrying children; and hazel eyes that have seen joy, destruction, beauty, pain, love, and hope.

I have spent much of my life fighting myself, never quite fitting in, using that as my shield and torch. I am setting down those props and embracing my uniqueness with love. I will never be the one who spends weekends with lifelong childhood friends, driving through a neighborhood I have lived all my life. Instead, I am the one who has childhood friends across the states, friends with whom I can stay at a moment's notice, picking up right where we need to, despite a decade apart. Friends in Texas, Michigan, Florida, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, to name a few. I will always have a unique tribe, and it's something I enjoy, and at 40 am embracing with love. In fighting myself I faced every challenge alone, refusing to allow help. When the world said it was nearly impossible to complete a task, I would tell the world to sit down and watch me. It was set as a gauntlet, a challenge, not from a place of love. And you all did- you watched me fight through earning my PhD with 4 kids and husband; you watched me struggle with a license, housing and finances; you watched me battle the anxiety that was here pre-divorce and in earnest post-divorce. Now, at 40, I see my mistakes, when the task is nearly impossible I can complete it alone, but I can share the burden. I can chose to go forth in love or in fear.

At 40, I chose to go forth in love.

This is 40:

• seeing the woman in the mirror and loving her crinkles at her eyes, the light in her eyes, and all the little imperfections
• understanding that accepting help does not make you weaker, but stronger
• learning that love comes in all forms
• following passion and dreams, not only for yourself, but to model to your children
• finding the rhythms of parenting 4 unique individuals and accepting that you are never going to have all the answers
• accepting the situation at hand and then changing what you can
• taking risks, refusing to let fear and anxiety dictate
• choosing a life less ordinary and crafting it
• finding the courage in large and small situations to express my opinion, needs and desires regardless of the outcome

At 40, I go forth in love.

A human connection

Did you know that nights and bedtime are the roughest?

It's facing night after night an empty room and an empty bed. You can typically find me stalling going to bed, staying up significantly later than I should be. I am texting a friend, sending messages or scrolling on Facebook or Instagram, just to get that human connection. There's no one here to reminisce about the day or just decompress. I am not saying that I am incapable of doing these things alone, but that I miss that human connection.

The point is that there are aspects of this journey that hit you everyday and while they are easier than at the beginning I have a daily reminder of the major difference in my life. There are nights that are certainly easier than others, but there is often no predicting what will happen when I turn out the light. A while ago I turned out the light and had a massive meltdown. I couldn't tell you what exactly set it off, but lots of tears later I was finally able to crash into sleep. I have moments in the evenings when I can just anticipate that my bedtime routine will be challenging and have learned to reach out to my friends. I am lucky enough that I have a few friends that are generally awake and willing to chat with me for practically hours on end.

This past Monday was shaping up to be one of those days. My anxiety was on the rise and I was dealing with emotional fallout from an encounter that morning. All day all I wanted was to be at home and be sad and process everything that was swirling within me. Sadly, single mom life called and there were what felt like a million errands to be run and a tight schedule to keep.

As the evening wore on I was exhausted and craving solitude, but around 9pm my phone rang. The number was one unknown to me, but based on the location appearing in the caller ID I had an idea who was calling, and I just couldn't pick up the phone. I was out of courage, exhausted and trying to wrap up my evening of chores and duties. The call went to voicemail and I felt guilt, big guilt about not answering. About 30 minutes later my phone rang again, same number, I gathered what remained of my courage and answered. Maybe you're wondering why I needed courage, but this was not an average phone call. I knew that this phone call had the potential to offer a life changing connection, and I was anxious. After a few moments of chatting my new friend and I were conversing like we had known each other for years and away fell my anxiety, fears, the stress of the day.  I am always in awe in the power of a human connection. That phone call was the reset that I needed to go to bed that night at peace.

At my core I believe in the power of human connections and healing nature of healthy connections. Not every human connection is a helpful one, and not all will heal, but when the magic of one appears you can't help but be changed. This specific connection has the additional magic of fueling my plans to a life less ordinary. Who knew that in an hour conversation with a person who was essentially a stranger at the beginning would create such magic and healing?

Dating

Dating. That's a scary, loaded word. Add in single mom dating and the terror is unreal. The questions just start coming hard and fast: how/where do you meet someone? do you go with a free app or paid app or both?

Then logistics: when? how do you find the time? and on and on it goes.... Let me tell you there are hundreds, likely thousands of blog posts and articles about this topic geared toward single moms. Many address the pesky aspect of dealing with your children and dating, because let's be honest, all single parents are worried on some level about this. These articles run the gamut from I won't introduce my kids to anyone until he's about to put a ring on my finger to my kids know every man I've ever dated from date 1 (or maybe 2). So what's a mom to do?

Personally? Throw out all the advice and posts and just go with your gut and a little guidance from your friends when entering the the crazy world of dating. Keep yourself safe and have fun along the way. Know your expectations, are you looking for something casual? are looking for something long term? or something else. While you're looking at your expectations of the type of relationship, you need to to address what you are searching for in that partner.

Single, divorced parents are some of the strongest people I know. We have had our worlds completely turned upside down and have come out changed. I was telling a friend that it's similar to giving birth, periods of intense pain, periods of respite, a long hard challenge at the end with your person and soul forever changed once that baby is born. Yup, divorce is a lot like labor and birth. You would be silly to go looking for a relationship with same expectations of a partner as you had previously. You are not the same person you were, there's no use denying it.

Me? I am now a strong, independent, financially independent woman and single mom of 4. It's not that I wasn't those things before, they just have a very different meaning. I don't need someone to come support me financially. I want someone who can show up when I need help emotionally, or with a physical project. I don't care what you do for work as long as you're happy and take pride in what you do. I want someone who will let me vent, offer solutions when asked and make me margaritas or bring me beer. I want someone who makes me laugh, really laugh; who tells me silly jokes and sends me texts to make me laugh and smile. I want someone who's not afraid of crazy adventures and wants to come on them with me. Someone who's also willing to hang out at home and watch a movie. A man willing to cook with me or for me and isn't afraid of the dishes either. A man who sees me for me, not the mom, not the runner, not the physical therapist, but just me.

Truth? I didn't know all of that when I first started dating. It was about going out, having fun and figuring out what exactly I wanted. But it was also about protecting my time and energy, I wasn't going to waste my time on a series of dates with someone with whom I didn't have a connection. I did know that there was no way I was going to introduce my children to someone who wasn't special to me.

As it's turned out dating has been quite a learning experience. I learned that some men think that I am difficult, rude and a host of nasty names because I refuse to drop everything to meet them somewhere. My kids come first in my life and I am certainly not going to drop everything to meet some strange guy when I have my kids, if you're not willing to wait until I have kid-free time then you are certainly not worth my time. On that note I also learned that name calling is sadly rather common when you're not in agreement with their hobbies or activities, especially those that might be illegal.

I learned that despite being clear on expectations, there are plenty of men who still will push for a hook-up. I'm sorry, but that's just not me. If that's your thing great, but please look elsewhere.

I learned that some people think that no topic is off limits when getting to know the other person, even before meeting in person. We'll just leave it at one sent me an exhaustive list of his "toy" collection and wanted to know mine......

Did you know that when dating a single mom that it's ok to ask about her kids? But, planning what you're going to be doing with them in 3 months is not appropriate, especially on a first date. Seriously. This gentleman I met within an hour of our date was planning how he was going to take them skiing and snowboarding. It was a little creepy to be honest. He meant well from what I could tell, and was trying to show that he was ok with me having kids, but way too fast dude!

After a lesson learned about not having a set end time for a midday date, I learned to always have a truly set end/exit plan. On one horrifying lunch date at a local brewery I knew within moments that it was not going to go well, but I also knew I only had 2 hours to survive it. The hostess sat us, handed us menus and then the beer menu. He immediately hands it back to her with "oh we won't be drinking." I'm sorry but what? First off, I should be able to make my own choice about an alcoholic beverage, and second this dude picked the brewery for our restaurant! Why, oh why, would you pick a brewery and then not allow someone to drink? He did tell me after she left, for I'm sure I made some type of face, that he was very concerned about drinking and driving. I can totally respect that, but I still stand by the fact that I should have been able to make my own choice. Clearly things did not start off well and 2 hours later where I had listened to him drone on about his job and hobbies I was incredibly thankful that I had my preset exit time.

It's no wonder that I had a string of single dates, no one worth my time for a second date. But, it was along these that I learned exactly what qualities I was seeking. Honesty- from the man who lied both about his age and where he lived. Laughter- from the one who bored me to tears and another who told me funny jokes. Availability- from the one who stood me up (yup it happens). Must love cats- from the one who can't stand them. On and on the list grew, as well as my own awareness and my certainty that it would take someone extremely special to be able to meet my children in any way.

From there it was about finding the magic, being true to my own expectations and boundaries and letting go of the outcome. For it's when we release our fears of the outcomes that the magic occurs. Knowing that within the magic comes connection, dreams and hope.