Bend October

I stood up at the river, turned my back on the Deschutes, went to pick up my backpack and the tears came instantly. They took me by surprise, yet they should not have as I had been crying intermittently all day. The last day of a momentous trip and the emotions overtook me. I turned back to face the river and allowed the tears to fall as I sobbed quietly. When they slowed I donned my sunglasses and backpack and walked along the gravel path back into downtown Bend, keeping the river on my left. Tears appeared at times as I walked along the path towards my final meal in Bend. I knew that as I walked I was leaving a piece of myself in Bend.

I shortly came upon the pedestrian bridge, my thoughts instantly drawn to the previous Saturday, and I walked on, yet a few steps later I turned, drawn back to stand on the bridge and look out over the river towards the mountains. I stepped on the wooden planks, uneven, studded with screws, and walked to the middle. The sun shone over my shoulder and I stood simply letting the tears gather. I knew I needed to mark that moment, and I recorded some videos, unsure of exactly what I wanted to say. I let the tears fall as I expressed my gratitude, my joy, and even my sorrow. 

Saturday, October 8th marked the completion of the first scouting hike of the American Perimeter Trail. My best friend, my business partner, and one of the most important people in my life walked the pedestrian bridge over the Deschutes River into Drake Park in Bend, OR completing a 3 year journey. As I watched him cross that bridge I smiled, I laughed, I cheered, and I was overwhelmed. With a smile, tears in his eyes and a swing of his flag he completed the loop. I thought I would cry, instead I smiled, we hugged, we laughed, and I was overwhelmed with it all. Another demarcation in my life, one of joy, sweetness, and a lot of dedication and work. A moment made possible by a simple connection on Instagram, an offer to help, and an acceptance.

The past 3 years were not easy for either of us. There were traumatic moments, changes in course, but most importantly there was connection and a willingness to go forward. At the transition points we talked, we argued, and we found a way to move through as friends and business partners. It has been a gift, a privilege, and an honor to accompany him on this journey, and even now, 6 weeks later, the moment he crossed the bridge brings me to tears. They are tears of joy, gratitude, and love for a friend and a project. A project that was not mine but quickly became my passion, my own project; integrating into so much of life I cannot imagine, do not care to imagine, how the past 3 years would have unfolded without it. 

Now the project moves on a new path and I cannot help but grieve some of what was. It was never perfect, but it was familiar and faced with the unfamiliar there is fear as well as excitement. For nearly 3 years we journeyed to this space, and finding ourselves having crossed here I find more tears. They are powerful tears, ones that hold space for the grief of the loss of the familiar while holding hope for the future. Around the bend we find ourselves.

30 Days of Thanks: November 24

Today I was part of history. Today I made history.

Today the American Perimeter Trail Conference launched our membership platform. We have moved from a project to a non-profit to a membership-based non-profit in under 2 years. It has been an incredible journey. So much more incredible because of the passion and drive and LOVE that Rue and I have poured into it. There has been so much love, so many tears, blood and sweat from him, and to be truthful there have been fights and incredibly rough moments that had us both wrecked beyond belief, but our passion has pulled at us. It has pulled us apart and drawn us back together to keep at this.

I'm thankful for the effort he has put in, the passion, drive and desire to keep this moving. I'm thankful for my own passion, dedication, and drive to keep this moving. I'm thankful for the community that we have built; for the love they have shown us, for the continual support, and for the family that we all have created out of this.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to present the American Perimeter Trail to the public. It's been a process of putting our hearts on display every day, putting our faith in strangers, and trusting that this what we are supposed to be doing. Today we made history in launching the membership; I made history in becoming a member. I am so proud of what we have done, what we will continue to do, and so thankful for the opportunity. I am thankful for the opportunity to show my children what it means to chase down dreams and turn them into something. To show them how achieving a dream is not a solitary journey, but that of a community. I give thanks for the APT, for the community, for the chance to be a part of history and make history.

30 Days of Thanks: November 6th

It has been an intense week helping a dear friend navigate deep and painful grief, as well as anxiety. It has taken a lot of my own internal tools to keep myself grounded and I am incredibly thankful I have these. What I'm truly grateful for though is the American Perimeter Trail family that we have built. Tonight we had our monthly happy hour and it was much needed medicine for me. I didn't know I even needed that connection, but there it was.

Our members shared stories, supported me, supported us, and ended up telling us what the APT means to them. It was deeply touching. The APT means so much to me; it's this incredible project that I get to be a part of, that I get to facilitate and that I get to make history with. Often our happy hours are light and fun and silly, and we did have that tonight (no I wont share, as what happens at happy hour stays at happy hour), but we also had deep and meaningful connections. Our family grows and it builds and intertwines, connecting all of these people across the country, weaving a thread among us. It's beautiful and tonight these people touched my heart and solidified our family further. Thank you Rue for all that you do and will do for the APT, and thank you to the APT family for being the incredible humans that you are.

Peace, love, and pixie dust.

30 Days of Thanks: November 28, 2020

Every step, every moment is a gift. That impossible appearing hill or mountain is a gift. As I hiked a strenuous trail today, one of my absolute favorites, and my legs were tired of climbing, my lungs burned and my nose itched under my mask all I could think was that I had been given a gift. It feels like a lifetime ago that I rediscovered hiking and my joy of the outdoors. I feel as if I have been backpacking my entire life, not just 18 months. The gift I was given in May 2019 continues to gift me with more. It connected me to an entirely new community, connected me to the American Perimeter Trail Project, and most importantly connected me back to me.

Out on the trail, nothing but nature around me and in me I can hear myself. I hear my thoughts, experience my feelings in new ways. I purposefully choose not to listen to music, but my own thoughts, my own fears, and experience them. It is a gift to be able to walk with myself. I make the conscious choice to connect and communicate with me. This past year I have been seeking adventures with other, not because I cannot walk with myself, but because I craved community. After 11 months of seeking community on the trail with backpacking I have decided that for now I will not actively seek community, I will let the path lead. My adventures with others backpacking went well, I had no complaints and I would go out again with any of the ladies I met, though for me I missed myself. I missed my contemplative time, the quiet I experience on the trail. I am the hiker that prefers quiet and listening to nature. I do enjoy a good conversation, but I also prefer the peace that I find in the quiet. I can find my footing, find myself, and find the gift that is me.

It is a gift to walk for me to walk with me, as me. On the trail there is only me, no longer do I function as mom, manager, coordinator, coach, cheerleader, chef, maid, analyst, laundress, chauffeur, therapist. I am only me. The trail, no matter the length, provides me with that gift. Running used to provide something similar, but I never found the peace in it as I have with hiking and backpacking. Laughing at myself as I stumble, catch my toe on the never ending rocks of Pennsylvania, listening to my poles scratch the rocks, feeling the pole slip off the rock I find myself repeatedly. There I can see the woman I am, perfectly imperfect, yet a gift. 

 

30 Days of Thanks: November 13, 2020

Do you have a passion project?

I do. In January I joined the American Perimeter Trail Project, a leap of faith on my part. I took on the self-proclaimed role of coordinator I had no idea what exactly I would be doing, but I knew in my heart, in my body, that it was what I meant to do. Shortly after beginning my role I found myself wrapped up in this project in ways I could have never imagined. What began as a simple way to help someone else complete a crazy dream, quickly became my passion project as well. Over the past 10.5 months of being intimately involved with this I have found my footing, my stability and a beautiful community that feeds my heart.

I have watched this community step up, every single time we have needed them. From purchasing food, supplies, sending money, providing lodging and transportation, this community has become a family. I have never witnessed something quite like what they have done, many of them pouring out generosity for a total stranger, entrusting me with supplies to keep Rue hiking and safe. For months there were packages delivered to me for him, each box containing a bit of magic, a lot of love and reminding me what it's like to be a kid on Christmas morning. I opened each box, never knowing what it might contain, often holding back tears of gratitude. How beautiful is their love for him, for the project. I often struggle to adequately describe the impact this passion project has had not only on me, but my children as well.

I never imagined that they would participate in the way that they have, nor find the love for it that I have. What a gift I have been given. There is a complicated series of events that led me to this project, ones that were incredibly painful and ones that were full of beauty. As I experienced each one, especially the painful ones I had no idea that I would be where I am now. If you had told me a year ago I'd have large tubs of food and supplies for a hiker in Oregon taking up my garage I'd have laughed. If you had told me that I would find my feet, my grounding, my place, in a community that I helped grow, and along the way my best friend I would have shook my head at you and said that you must have me confused with someone else. 

My passion project is a blessing, something I give thanks for every night. I am thankful for the path that lead me here and the courage I had to say yes. I said yes, jumping fully into the unknown, and I thank God daily for that. Today is no exception, and while I am in the midst of a painful experience I am trying to reflect that often these experiences lead to beautiful opportunities. I am thankful, grateful, and blessed to have this project, this community and these experiences. They are a light, and they help me be a light.