30 Days of Thanks: Day 4

Mondays are my day off. It's my chance to catch up on stuff while the kids are at school. Today I got to have brunch with a friend, which was a nice perk. It made me realize how lucky I am to:

1. have a weekday off every week
2. have friends willing to join me on my day off for a meal

I typically use my day offs for errands, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, etc. Today was a special day since I dedicated some time to truly just relax and be me. It's something that I am working on more and more, finding that balance between the "must do" and "want to do". I'm certainly a happier person when I take those much needed breaks and slow down. It's some of the crazy life lessons I've learned over the past few years.

Which brings me to my thankfulness acknowledgement of the day. Today, I'm thankful and grateful for the safe space that my therapist provides and the counsel. She is an amazing individual and we all should have someone in our lives like that. I know I've written about her before, but today I just wanted to take the time to recognize the work she does. This woman has guided me from a high anxiety state where I was functioning, but not thriving barely surviving, into a life where I am living and loving and enjoying life. She's graced me with the tools I need, held space when I needed to meltdown. Coached me through the meltdowns and allowed me the space to recreate me. Even when sharing my most vulnerable moments and intimate secrets I knew I was safe.

I learned that my emotions matter, that I was important. That my trauma was real and was my reality. I learned how to heal from my trauma, over and over and over again. I learned coping skills for when my anxiety skyrockets and I want to stay in bed forever, go on a crazy long run, or escape to the forest. I learned to recognize the warning signs of my anxiety and tactics to prevent the spirals.

She did not heal me; I healed me. She provided the safe space, tools and guidance so I could make the decisions I needed to make, recognize my own self worth and heal and grow. To my amazing unnamed therapist: THANK YOU.

Unwelcome Gifts

Here's a tough one to write about: trauma, and the gifts that it keeps delivering. It's no secret that I'm in therapy, I've been in therapy almost continuously for the past 3 years. It was the best decision I ever made for myself, to look at myself and learn how to heal myself. I've changed my mindset, learned to manage my anxiety (that I didn't know I had until therapy) and most days feel like the person I used to be, just better.

I now carry a light and happiness within me that I don't remember having for a very long time. And to be clear, that is no one's fault but my own, I let my circumstances and my own self get in my path. I work diligently in therapy and out of therapy, because you can't accomplish life changes in 1 hour a week. You have to put in the work. Even during rough days and moments I can pull up that happy center and know that I will be ok.

But then there's this thing called trauma... you deal with it in therapy (and at home) and you think you've healed yourself. Then surprise! it comes knocking randomly and you find yourself dealing with this unexpected gift. I like to say trauma can be the gift that keeps on giving, but I'd like to return to sender. I'm not discussing here this particular trauma, but it's enough to know that I spent a number of sessions working through it and thought it was done. So, when this issue came up twice in the past 10 days I knew I had to confront it in therapy, again. To be honest it frustrates me, I had an agenda of other things I wanted to work on, but trauma does it's own thing, just like your average 3 year old.

Now here I am in therapy dealing with what I had thought was a healed trauma. But, as Donkey and Shrek say we're like onions, so trauma must follow the same pattern of layers. I healed one layer and have more to go. I know in my heart that it will be ok and I will heal this with work. I only share all this because it honestly came as a surprise to me. In hindsight, it really shouldn't have been a surprise, but I've been happy and centered and glowing thanks to my own growth and some amazing relationships. I didn't imagine that this particular trauma would reappear in the midst of this joy. Instead of allowing it to overwhelm me, I will use this as a growth experience and will not let it dim my light and joy and happiness.