2019 Wrap Up

I know many people did their wrap ups before now, but I felt compelled to wait until the year and decade had fully concluded. You never know what magic may occur on New Year's Eve. Thus I sit here, late on January 1st of a new year and a new decade reflecting on all that was in 2019.

Oh 2019, there is so much that I could say about you. You were full of so many surprises, personal growth, magic and adventure. I could have never dreamed everything that has happened this year. From the discovery of backpacking to new connections, the consistent theme was the people that made these things possible.

To these individuals below, know you have a special place in my heart and life.

My parents: You have stepped in so much this year in so many ways; from babysitting grandkids and putting them on the bus 4 days a week to yard work and repairs you've made this life a little easier. I surely don't say it enough: Thank you.

J: Thanks for being my listening ears through all the ups and downs of the year. Constantly sending light and love, as well as guidance. You made the downs of this year tolerable and the ups that much more enjoyable.

B: My bud. I can't say enough for the little things for this year from making me laugh or smile on those down moments, giving me advice (even if I didn't always take it) and sending me music. We've had quite a year. I'm so glad we were finally able to make our in person visit, though I wish it had been under better circumstances.

P: From every good morning text to nights at the bar with laughter you're a special friend. Thanks for finally cashing in our bet.

My next door neighbors: You are such wonderful people. You tolerate my crew invading your space and invite them over yourselves. They're always welcome at your house and so many activities. Thank you for being you.

BR: Thanks for still being you and treating me like me. It's been a rough road at times and I know that I can always count on you to still treat me like me, regardless of position. I think it's time for another pizza and beer night.

NN: Thanks for all the brunches and being the sweet woman that you are.

A and L: It's nice to have a small group of women all going through challenges and have the support that you provide. I look forward to our next set of chats, and hopefully we can have one in person in the coming months.

Aloha J: Thanks for stepping up and being there for me when I needed it. Thank you for the laughs and brutal honesty too. It's time to get another weekend on the schedule.

Pop: While we didn't get in any runs this year (crazy right?!) thanks for reaching out and always being there. I know that I can always call you if I have an issue and that means a lot. Let's plan a run soon.

All of these people and more had a significant impact on my life in 2019. But, I'd be remiss if I didn't include the person below.

C: There's too much that I could write here, from the little things like making tacos and margaritas and airport pick-ups, to the big things like redesigning my stereo system and taking me backpacking, you were an important part of my life this past year. I don't know if you, or I, can truly understand the impact and influence you had. If it weren't for that first trek with you I would not be doing the things I am doing now and planning for future adventures. You have a knack of making me laugh and smile, even when I want to cry, and you have countless other gifts that you share with me. Thank you for the time, the adventures, the food, the laughter and everything else. As I said in the beginning, there's just too much I could writer, so I'll leave it at I'm looking forward to whatever adventure we can concoct next.

Sunrise on the Appalachian Trail
Chimney Rock, Pennsylvania
1/1/20

Closure

A little envelope came in the mail today. Nothing fancy, but I knew what was in it: the official divorce decree. How did I know? I had an email from my attorney earlier in the week with the PDF copy of it, so I knew my hard copy was to arrive soon. It's such a simple little thing, two sheets of paper in a legal envelope, marking the end of a chapter. So different than the multiple pages signed and agreed upon dividing up the things that made up our life. This is just an 8x10 sheet with a raised, notarized stamp saying we approve of your multi-page settlement, but it carries with it a finality that the larger document does not.

I knew the day was coming that it would arrive, and I didn't know how I would react. I know many have gone to celebrate; I know many have gone to go weep, and then others somewhere in the middle. It's been such an emotional process these past 3 years that to reach this milestone, chapter closure, I don't know exactly what I feel. Relief? Thankfulness that it's done? Grief? Likely it's a combination of all of these and more.

My marriage wasn't easy, and I'm aware that no marriage is easy, but marriages that end in divorce have their own struggles that a healthy marriage cannot understand. When you factor in children it adds to the complexity of the grieving and healing process. My therapist has told me that in her experiences those that divorce without children may often heal faster as it is a clean break. Those of us with children are going to interact with this person for the rest of our lives, and on a more frequent basis until they are 18. This alone create stress and anxiety, so while we are officially divorced I still have to interact with their dad frequently for the benefit of our children. I say it not to be a martyr, but to be clear that in this instance my wants and needs are superseded by those of my children. So the "freedom" that has been granted me officially has a different connotation than to a woman who does not have children.

I will say it has been heady going and officially changing my name at Social Security and the DMV. It's about creating my own identity. I am not the person that my parents named as an infant, nor the woman that assumed a name at 23, this time I am choosing me, my name. I returned to my maiden name, but kept my "new" middle name. In choosing this new name I chose my new identity, display my power and revel in the magic that I am creating. I have to think every time I sign my name to make sure I identify myself correctly and that is a powerful reminder of who I am choosing.

I chose me. I chose life. I chose happiness and love. I chose to show my children that it takes all different kinds of courage to make a life worth living. So while I sit here tonight processing the impact of an envelope I examine and reflect on the gift of closure. This isn't the "when a door closes open a window scenario," this is a chose your own adventure book. Skip ahead to page 44 to pick up your story. While I reach closure on this process I know I am in a period of transition, on my way to living what I'm terming "a life less ordinary." Surely some of you are thinking that I already live a less than ordinary life, and while I do, there is still more to see and do and experience.

Follow me along this next trail while I explore, develop and grow into my chosen self and my life less ordinary.