Did you know that nights and bedtime are the roughest?
It's facing night after night an empty room and an empty bed. You can typically find me stalling going to bed, staying up significantly later than I should be. I am texting a friend, sending messages or scrolling on Facebook or Instagram, just to get that human connection. There's no one here to reminisce about the day or just decompress. I am not saying that I am incapable of doing these things alone, but that I miss that human connection.
The point is that there are aspects of this journey that hit you everyday and while they are easier than at the beginning I have a daily reminder of the major difference in my life. There are nights that are certainly easier than others, but there is often no predicting what will happen when I turn out the light. A while ago I turned out the light and had a massive meltdown. I couldn't tell you what exactly set it off, but lots of tears later I was finally able to crash into sleep. I have moments in the evenings when I can just anticipate that my bedtime routine will be challenging and have learned to reach out to my friends. I am lucky enough that I have a few friends that are generally awake and willing to chat with me for practically hours on end.
This past Monday was shaping up to be one of those days. My anxiety was on the rise and I was dealing with emotional fallout from an encounter that morning. All day all I wanted was to be at home and be sad and process everything that was swirling within me. Sadly, single mom life called and there were what felt like a million errands to be run and a tight schedule to keep.
As the evening wore on I was exhausted and craving solitude, but around 9pm my phone rang. The number was one unknown to me, but based on the location appearing in the caller ID I had an idea who was calling, and I just couldn't pick up the phone. I was out of courage, exhausted and trying to wrap up my evening of chores and duties. The call went to voicemail and I felt guilt, big guilt about not answering. About 30 minutes later my phone rang again, same number, I gathered what remained of my courage and answered. Maybe you're wondering why I needed courage, but this was not an average phone call. I knew that this phone call had the potential to offer a life changing connection, and I was anxious. After a few moments of chatting my new friend and I were conversing like we had known each other for years and away fell my anxiety, fears, the stress of the day. I am always in awe in the power of a human connection. That phone call was the reset that I needed to go to bed that night at peace.
At my core I believe in the power of human connections and healing nature of healthy connections. Not every human connection is a helpful one, and not all will heal, but when the magic of one appears you can't help but be changed. This specific connection has the additional magic of fueling my plans to a life less ordinary. Who knew that in an hour conversation with a person who was essentially a stranger at the beginning would create such magic and healing?
Showing posts with label magic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label magic. Show all posts
Thursday, January 16, 2020
Monday, September 2, 2019
Solo
Armed with the confidence from a single backpacking trip I decided to close out my summer as I had started it, a trip along the AT, just this time I would be solo. I studied maps, joined two all women facebook groups dedicated solely to hiking, and made my plans. I guessed on mileage, and planned for a 2 night trip. I bought supplies and arranged a shuttle to pick me up from my car, drive me out 30 miles and drop me off.
The nerves hit the night before as I packed, double and triple checking my gear and food. If I forgot something I was on my own, there was no magic but my own to fix the situation. I tried to remember everything my dear friend had taught me. I hoped and prayed that it would be enough. Nerves carried me to the trailhead after my drop. A few deep breaths and my poles, pack and I were off. Within 10 feet the nerves were gone, my body seemed to remember how to use the poles and stride with a weighted pack. There was no fear about being alone on the trail, for I was alone. It took three hours to spot another human.
I walked in silence and peaceful bliss along a tree covered ridge-line with a smile on my face. There were not many views, but there was peace and beauty. I had packed headphones in case the silence became deafening, but it never did. I enjoyed listening to the birds, insects and my own thoughts spun uninterrupted. Personally, I had been craving this trip, a chance to get away with my own thoughts and heal without distractions. On the trail my mind was clear, there were no distractions, but the initial driving impetus of this trip had fallen away. This trip became about me being comfortable in the silence of my mind. For someone with anxiety, this can be a challenge, there's always a lurking fear that the anxiety will take hold and spiral you. I could not afford to have an anxiety spiral on the trail. Thankfully, my anxiety never surfaced, not even when I was a few miles from camp and running low on water and energy. It wasn't one of those times where I had just mastered the anxiety or was ignoring it; it 100% was not present. The mountains were speaking to my soul, and in that moment I knew that I was going to be fine.
This trip was not about the recreating the magic found on my first trip, but creating a new type of magic. There is no recreating that kind of magic that I had Memorial Day weekend. I carry it with me still. This solo trip required a new brand of courage and for me to delve into my own magic. I'm not saying there weren't moments that I didn't wish for my friend, but I was content to be solo. Alone on the trail you learn more about yourself than imaginable. If you read accounts of thru-hikers or talk to any you will learn that they all say the same thing after finishing: life will never be the same. While my short hike (28.5 miles or 1.3% of the AT) cannot compare to a thru-hike, I know that I am forever changed.
I know that I am a stronger hiker than I thought when developing my plans. My Memorial Day hike we covered about 26 miles over the 2 days, so I planned a 28 mile hike figuring that I would be moving slower without assistance. Day 1 I covered 16.8 miles and realized that I would reach my car the next day around 2 at that pace. I made plans to hike past the car to get my 2 nights in the woods. Apparently, the universe had other plans for me, as on Day 2 the rain came crashing down about a mile and a half from my car and the forecast called for more rain and thunderstorms. While I had the opportunity to continue hiking, I decided that I had achieved my goal and consider it a successful hike even if it was just 1 night out.
I found peace and happiness along the trail, despite the challenges and pain. I found more of me. I listened to the voices in my head about true abilities, my courage, my love and the possibilities of the future. Though I left the trail soaked and looking like a drowned rat, I left with hope and love in my heart, complete in a newfound magic built on the base created in May.
The nerves hit the night before as I packed, double and triple checking my gear and food. If I forgot something I was on my own, there was no magic but my own to fix the situation. I tried to remember everything my dear friend had taught me. I hoped and prayed that it would be enough. Nerves carried me to the trailhead after my drop. A few deep breaths and my poles, pack and I were off. Within 10 feet the nerves were gone, my body seemed to remember how to use the poles and stride with a weighted pack. There was no fear about being alone on the trail, for I was alone. It took three hours to spot another human.
I walked in silence and peaceful bliss along a tree covered ridge-line with a smile on my face. There were not many views, but there was peace and beauty. I had packed headphones in case the silence became deafening, but it never did. I enjoyed listening to the birds, insects and my own thoughts spun uninterrupted. Personally, I had been craving this trip, a chance to get away with my own thoughts and heal without distractions. On the trail my mind was clear, there were no distractions, but the initial driving impetus of this trip had fallen away. This trip became about me being comfortable in the silence of my mind. For someone with anxiety, this can be a challenge, there's always a lurking fear that the anxiety will take hold and spiral you. I could not afford to have an anxiety spiral on the trail. Thankfully, my anxiety never surfaced, not even when I was a few miles from camp and running low on water and energy. It wasn't one of those times where I had just mastered the anxiety or was ignoring it; it 100% was not present. The mountains were speaking to my soul, and in that moment I knew that I was going to be fine.
This trip was not about the recreating the magic found on my first trip, but creating a new type of magic. There is no recreating that kind of magic that I had Memorial Day weekend. I carry it with me still. This solo trip required a new brand of courage and for me to delve into my own magic. I'm not saying there weren't moments that I didn't wish for my friend, but I was content to be solo. Alone on the trail you learn more about yourself than imaginable. If you read accounts of thru-hikers or talk to any you will learn that they all say the same thing after finishing: life will never be the same. While my short hike (28.5 miles or 1.3% of the AT) cannot compare to a thru-hike, I know that I am forever changed.
I know that I am a stronger hiker than I thought when developing my plans. My Memorial Day hike we covered about 26 miles over the 2 days, so I planned a 28 mile hike figuring that I would be moving slower without assistance. Day 1 I covered 16.8 miles and realized that I would reach my car the next day around 2 at that pace. I made plans to hike past the car to get my 2 nights in the woods. Apparently, the universe had other plans for me, as on Day 2 the rain came crashing down about a mile and a half from my car and the forecast called for more rain and thunderstorms. While I had the opportunity to continue hiking, I decided that I had achieved my goal and consider it a successful hike even if it was just 1 night out.
I found peace and happiness along the trail, despite the challenges and pain. I found more of me. I listened to the voices in my head about true abilities, my courage, my love and the possibilities of the future. Though I left the trail soaked and looking like a drowned rat, I left with hope and love in my heart, complete in a newfound magic built on the base created in May.
 |
| Day 1 (16.8 miles) |
 |
| Day 2 from start to a wet soggy finish at my car (11.7 miles) |
Thursday, April 4, 2019
One year, 2 days
One year and 2 days I embarked on my new position at my hospital. It was a HUGE leap of faith for me. I had no idea what exactly my job would entail, in fact my manager and those that advocated for my position didn't quite know what my job would entail. It took me out of daily patient care and into the tech and analytics world. Analytics I'm wired for, tech not quite as much, but thanks to some amazing mentors I've made my way. I certainly have a lot that I can still learn, but this job has been a blessing.
This job allows me the flexibility that I need in my life right now that I just can't have with a full-time patient care position. It allows me to have days like the other day: taking the kids to the dentist, fielding a conference call in the dental waiting area, dropping them at school and then hosting a very important conference call from my minivan while parked in front of the school. It's with the blessing of my management that I am able to do these things. There's something to be said for an amazing manager.
I never imagined myself in a role like this honestly. I left grad school and just wanted to go back to being a practicing therapist and find my way into some clinical therapy research. I made inroads into the clinical research, but there were a lot of obstacles and when my personal life started falling apart it was one of the things that fell by the wayside. In this role I can start pursuing that again.
The other component of this position is that I am not emotionally drained at the end of the day. I may have some significant mental fatigue, but I am not emotionally wiped. I never realized how much of myself I invested into my patients and families and the significant toll it was on my health until I was out of it. It honestly took almost 6 months to heal from that stress. Trying to go through a divorce and all the upheaval that it creates while simultaneously supporting families of children with disabilities in all different stages stripped me raw. I was coaching families on grieving the loss of the child they imagined during pregnancy while undergoing my own intense grieving process, and that left me tired and anxious. I have been able to heal myself and practice self care in a way that would not have been possible had I stayed in my patient care role.
Don't think that I don't miss my patients and families. I miss the magic that happens in a therapy session when you get to witness that first sit or steps on their own and know that you played a role in it. Or, when you give a child a piece of equipment and suddenly they're upright and mobile. I cherish those moments and magic that they brought to me. Today marks the return of patient care into my schedule. It's a tiny amount with only 1 scheduled per month, but it was wonderful to step away from my desk and use my therapist brain. To talk with a patient and family and figure out their needs and know that I can assist them.
I know what a journey I have taken over the past year in my career, faith, family and my own personal outlook. I am looking forward to seeing where the next year is going to be bringing me. I anticipate a year of more magic moments.
This job allows me the flexibility that I need in my life right now that I just can't have with a full-time patient care position. It allows me to have days like the other day: taking the kids to the dentist, fielding a conference call in the dental waiting area, dropping them at school and then hosting a very important conference call from my minivan while parked in front of the school. It's with the blessing of my management that I am able to do these things. There's something to be said for an amazing manager.
I never imagined myself in a role like this honestly. I left grad school and just wanted to go back to being a practicing therapist and find my way into some clinical therapy research. I made inroads into the clinical research, but there were a lot of obstacles and when my personal life started falling apart it was one of the things that fell by the wayside. In this role I can start pursuing that again.
The other component of this position is that I am not emotionally drained at the end of the day. I may have some significant mental fatigue, but I am not emotionally wiped. I never realized how much of myself I invested into my patients and families and the significant toll it was on my health until I was out of it. It honestly took almost 6 months to heal from that stress. Trying to go through a divorce and all the upheaval that it creates while simultaneously supporting families of children with disabilities in all different stages stripped me raw. I was coaching families on grieving the loss of the child they imagined during pregnancy while undergoing my own intense grieving process, and that left me tired and anxious. I have been able to heal myself and practice self care in a way that would not have been possible had I stayed in my patient care role.
Don't think that I don't miss my patients and families. I miss the magic that happens in a therapy session when you get to witness that first sit or steps on their own and know that you played a role in it. Or, when you give a child a piece of equipment and suddenly they're upright and mobile. I cherish those moments and magic that they brought to me. Today marks the return of patient care into my schedule. It's a tiny amount with only 1 scheduled per month, but it was wonderful to step away from my desk and use my therapist brain. To talk with a patient and family and figure out their needs and know that I can assist them.
I know what a journey I have taken over the past year in my career, faith, family and my own personal outlook. I am looking forward to seeing where the next year is going to be bringing me. I anticipate a year of more magic moments.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)