I went backpacking

 I went backpacking.

I went backpacking Memorial Day weekend to ground myself, reset myself, and get away from everything that had been occurring over the past few days previously. Friday night I attempted to pack my bag, but my mind was too scattered, unable to focus on even the simplest of tasks of packing up my quilt and grabbing pajamas for the trail. Saturday morning I awoke, anxiety still looming, panic moving slowly throughout me, but at least I had a clear head. I gathered my equipment, my food, and prepared for an errand I needed to run prior to leaving. In the middle of packing and preparing a text came through from a dear friend: call me. My heart sank and my heart-rate skyrocketed, the panic began swirling faster and I took deep breaths, reminding myself I was safe. I replied with a simple, I will try, but I am not OK right now. A boundary, a piece of self-care, and a reminder to my friend that I had told them I needed space.

As I finished my packing and my errands my mind swirled, no response from my friend. I finally text them again: is everything OK? No response. I began my northwest drive to the trailhead, munching on my breakfast finally deciding that I will call when I finish eating. I knew I could ignore them, but my mind was swirling and spinning and I'd be thinking about it so I knew the best course was to deal with it head on. My phone rang and it was my friend. Nothing was wrong, but the conversation did not go well. We argued, picked at each other, and eventually I had to say I'm not OK, I'm not having this conversation right now, we can continue it when we're both in a better place. On I drove, music off and on, GPS guiding me.

I picked up my pack, loaded it on and headed south on the Appalachian Trail towards Duncannon, determined to close out another section. I was completing a section I had been avoiding because of a road walk. I headed down the mountain, across the Susquehanna, through the town, and then back up a new mountain. There I set-up camp at Hawk Rock, a lovely little outcropping with an incredible view of the river and land. I knew I needed to ground myself more, so instinctively I decided to cowboy camp (sleep on the ground without my tent). I was nervous, but felt safe and gave myself permission to setup my tent at any point in the night. The locals and I enjoyed a beautiful sunset and I drifted off to sleep shortly thereafter. A porcupine awoke me around 4am, and the sunlight woke me around 5, with the locals coming in around 6 to watch the sunrise. It was the first morning I woke up without anxiety looming and panic lingering. My head the clearest it had been in days. Sunrise, breakfast in bed, and then I was up and off to retrace my steps, now headed north to close out more miles in this Pennsylvania section.

A long 16+ mile day of hiking, but slow. I ambled about, not caring about time, just letting my body be and my mind wander. There were daydreams, there were prayers, there was quiet. There were other hikers that I passed and chatted with, whereas the day before I kept to myself, barely talking to anyone. I could feel myself coming back into me, coming back into my body, my soul grounding within me. On one particular section I fell into such a rhythm that I fairly forgot I was in Pennsylvania as my mind had drifted to other places. As the day progressed and I spoke with more people I felt more and more comfortable. I set-up camp at the shelter, my tent my home for the night. I ate my dinner among other hikers and attempted to chat with them, but the fatigue of the day and the previous days had caught up and I quickly excused myself. 

Tucked away in my tent I found myself again. The social interactions in passing in the day had been just enough, but dinner had been beyond my limits. A thru-hiker set his tent up across from mind and we conversed through our tents. I felt safe in my tent, away from him, but enjoyed the social interaction. It was a small gift given to me. That night I needed the security of my tent, just the same way I needed to sleep in the open the night before. This long anxiety and panic attack at least had me listening intuitively to my body and my needs in a new way. When your nervous system has been on overdrive for days filtering information becomes challenging and this time in the quiet of nature with the healing power of movement I was finding that connection between myself and my needs.

Monday morning I awoke, rested and connected. Grounded. Calm. No anxiety, no panic, just me. It was another gift. One I gave myself, one I spent the weekend working towards.

As I hiked back to my car all I could think was "I went backpacking"

Hawk Rock Sunset

Birthday

These past 2 weeks have brought a host of changes to my life. The ending of my position at my previous hospital after 9 years as I decided to transition to some place a new, a week off between positions, a birthday, the starting of the new position, and an unexpected surprise. For 9 years I called one amazing children's hospital home, first as a pediatric physical therapist, and then as the Epic analyst for therapy services. Both were rewarding, but it was time to continue to something new and stretch myself.

With a week off between positions I picked my favorite form of self-care: hiking. Backpacking was not feasible, but solid day hikes were on the agenda most days, as well as being able to witness S competing in her first track meet as a pole vaulter. In the midst of this week of self-care I began to find myself again. Find the woman that I knew and loved, one that had been missing for the past few weeks as I managed to survive a host of stressors. I began to look forward to my upcoming birthday, instead of approaching it with a mild feeling of dread and impending disappointment.

My birthday I celebrated by hiking my favorite section of the Appalachian Trail in Pennsylvania, Pulpit to Pinnacle. A solid 10+ mile hike with incredible views, rocks, a good climb, and some ridge walking. It's one I discovered by accident a few years ago and have been back a number of times. The hike, the views, the birds, and the entire experience never grows old. I packed in a cupcake from the local bakery and celebrated atop Pinnacle with a chocolate cupcake, alone, but happy. My birthday is often a source of anxiety and stress, and post-trauma response, yet each year I work through new parts of it and this hike was what I had envisioned for my 40th, yet it took me an additional 2 years to manifest my vision. It was worth the wait and this birthday was filled with even less stress, anxiety, and minimal trauma response.

My belated birthday gift arrived this weekend. A backpacking trip with my best friend. This was unexpected as they had been across the country and I had been happy to simply have the long phone calls we shared on my birthday. My solo backpacking trip to close out more miles of the AT in Pennsylvania rapidly transformed into a trip for 2. We have joked about hiking and backpacking together for 2 years but the constraints of time, location, health, and money have impeded every attempt. When he was gifted a trip to Pennsylvania we were still unsure if backpacking would happen, though we knew a visit was at least possible; our first in person in nearly a year. 

With a plan in place Friday afternoon I drove partway across the state and found myself in a state of shock hugging my best friend. Here we were embracing nearly 3 months before we were to see each other next. I nearly cried, and instead found myself laughing. Saturday we packed up the remaining gear, split what we needed to carry and set out for Pine Grove. The sun shone, the birds called, and there were quaint flowers bursting pinks, purples, and white at us as we walked on the pine needle covered dirt path with our packs lightly on our backs. Up and over the peaks, down into the valleys briefly we hiked, laughed, and shared the joys of being together in person. We have an incredibly complex and intricate relationship, balancing our friendship, our passion project, and a business. As we are used to phone calls when we are in person it often takes me a moment to settle in, and sometimes I simply need to take a quick moment and close my eyes, yet our friendship is one of the most precious parts of my life. This was an unexpected gift, a belated birthday gift that was worth the wait. We bonded in new ways, the ways that you only can when you're laughing as your foot slips as you attempt to climb a small boulder or sitting on the rocks at a view while the sun warms and dries your back relieved of its pack. 

Business called and we bypassed a camping spot that looked divine but lacked cellular service. We enjoyed 2 hours on zoom in my tent laughing with our members, my phone propped on his pack before we realized we needed to hold it. If you've never run a zoom session from your tent on the Appalachian Trail in the dark while wrapped in your quilt I have to recommend it. We laughed, swapped stories, and made plans for our big event this summer. As the evening wore down we laughed more on our own and fell easily into sleep, each snug into our quilts. As the sun rose and woke me, I found myself briefly confused as to the person in my tent as I've only ever shared this tent with S, and then my dear friend rolled over and cracked a joke. For 2 hours we laid there laughing, sharing and simply relaxing before we decided to break camp and make the 10 mile trek back to the car.

My heart was light, my body grounded, and my soul connected. I knew I needed to backpack this weekend. I knew I needed the physical reset and grounding that is provided when I sleep in my tent and hike over the earth. What I didn't know was that I needed to share this experience, and specifically share this experience with my best friend. As we hiked out the rain began, a steady spring Appalachian rain, one that quietly comes and finishes rinsing you of the detritus that you carry unknowingly. We shared more stories, more of our visions, and expanded our passion project to new areas. Reaching the car drenched and ready to dry off I wasn't sad, I was content in our shared experience. It wasn't until I dropped him off that the tears threatened. It was sadness, and as much as it was that it was a brief moment of being off balance. Together we ground each other in a way that only close friends can do, and in that moment as I shifted to independent grounding I was struck by the transition. My heart and my soul are grateful for the time and connection we were afforded this weekend, even as parts of it are sad at the briefness of it all. I honor the sadness while still celebrating the beauty that we had. It was an unexpected gift, one that I will treasure. Until our next meeting.

30 Days of Thanks: November 14

 I was lucky enough to spend this weekend backpacking for the American Perimeter Trail on the Appalachian Trail in New Jersey and New York, but that's not what I'm thankful for this evening. I am thankful for the company I had this weekend, an otherwise stranger from Instagram who decided to come along on this crazy adventure. We had nearly 25 miles of ups, downs, insane weather, and some normal moments in there too.

Miniature is nothing more than a special individual. He demonstrated such patience with me as we navigated ascending vertical rock scrambles and some bouldering and my anxiety threatened to take over and send me into a panic. A hand, a pole, and encouragement were all offered, and grace was extended when I refused the assistance, acknowledging my need to complete the task independently. He pulled me to my feet after my countless slides and falls onto my rear, and mostly had the courtesy not to laugh until i was already laughing at myself. I've never fallen on a hike as much as I did on Saturday and his attitude and demeanor made it that much easier for me to fall and not be upset with myself. 

He braved some insane weather with me; we navigated countless summits and ridges while being pelted with hail and rain and rising winds as the thunder crashed and the lightening flashed. There was no where to go but forward, as the trail was above the treeline and no way to descend. As the hail receded and the rain continued he could have complained, could have blamed me, could have done countless things, but he hiked forward. When the rain lifted we enjoyed moments marveling at the views and how wet we were. Little did we know that the rain and wind would return, pushing us to move faster as we tried to stave off hypothermia. We laughed, teased, and in these moments propelled ourselves forward with joy rather than drudgery. Choosing to find the happiness and acceptance in the moment, knowing that we could be other places warm and dry, and instead we were navigating flooded trails and becoming increasingly wetter as the rain continued.

I am incredibly grateful for the man that showed up and kept showing up during our adventure this weekend. It was a challenge for both of us, and his attitude and support were what I needed in some personally challenging moments. We all should be so lucky to stumble upon an individual who's so gracious during some extremely challenging and dangerous circumstances. Of this I am certain I have a new friend in Miniature. I am thankful for the time and the man that is Miniature. While I'm not sure he'll let me plan another adventure without double/triple checking the maps and the weather, I'm hopeful he'll still make good on that salsa lesson. May you all find an adventure with a new friend that leaves you breathless, joyful, and thankful.

30 Days of Thanks: November 7

Today I'm thankful the simplicity of the day. We had simple morning of muffins and spinach eggs (eggs scrambled with lots of spinach), church, religious education, and then a hike. Our day ended with a new movie and takeout. It was a much needed reprieve from the usual chaos of our lives, and often our weekends. There were no protests about the hike, and I kept it simple, a few miles at the local state park with rolling hills and the river, familiar trails to us. As our activities resume and the chaos increases I like these opportunities to have simple time together.

There was lots of laughter, lots of smiles, and a sense of joy and peace as we walked. They made up stories, discussed in-depth about Marvel vs DC battles, and climbed anything and everything in sight. We found our family unit without the pressure of everything else, and came home refreshed and ready to brave the next week. I had wanted to drive to a hike that's an hour away, but I also knew we needed the night to sit and watch a movie and relax, so I switched gears to the local state park and I am glad I did. I do have requests to go to this new place to hike, so we will see if we can incorporate it soon. I am thankful and grateful for kids that enjoy the outdoors, and find joy in stomping through the leaves, climbing trees, and jumping rocks across the river. Each time we are out renews us individually and as a family. Blessed be.

Saturday Busy

 A few more minutes sleep and being in bed was all I wanted this morning, then I glanced at the clock and found myself nearly out of time to cook a meal and drive the oldest to go cheer at a local 5k. The clock was pushing at me, relentless in its movement forward, dwindling the time available. Muffins were baked, eggs were cooked and we were out the door, her with the muffin in hand, and me to return to finish cooking my own breakfast and to sit and enjoy, even if briefly, that cup of hot coffee. On that drive to drop her off I mused at the weather, sunny skies with clouds, a breeze, and cool, with a hint of warmth coming- perfect hiking weather I found myself thinking. Yet I knew that a hike was not in the plan for today.

Today was filled with the jumble of kid activities, the constant movement from one to another. Cheerleading at the 5k, gymnastics for 1, cheerleading practice for 2, which morphed into for 3, my other child enjoying the fall day with friends at a carnival, and me in and out of the car, squeezing in a run for my health and sanity. In the midst of all of this we completed a final harvest of the garden, pulled up the plants, and began changing out the summer clothes for winter clothes. It was a full day here in this single parent household, and while I'm thankful and grateful to have active children it would be nice to take a day to enjoy a fall activity. I had so hoped to take them to a corn maze and pick pumpkins, and while the possibility exists for it to occur tomorrow, it does mean jamming it in between activities.

Sunday will not be a day of rest for us. One child has to serve at church at the early service, and my oldest has yet another cheerleading event in the morning, followed by one in the afternoon. It is in moments like these that I miss the quietness of quarantine. We had more opportunities to hike, take our time, relax, and reset. While my kids are easy going, go with the flow, kids, it can be a strain on me to shuttle them around. There is not that moment to rest, reset, and find that connection into ourselves when the clock is demanding that you manage your time. While a 34 min run allowed me to reconnect, it was squeezed in between so many other things that the recovery and lasting effects were short lived.

This post is not a complaint- all parents with kids in activities go through very similar issues, both in single parent and dual parent households; this post is sharing a moment in the life of a single parent of 4. A mom simply wishing to take her kids out to do a fun family activity without being aware of the clock. This post is a tired mom wishing for time to breathe for herself, juggling the desire to spend quality time with her kids and the want to be alone. This post is a mom finding space for both of those and living in the moment. This is her doing her best to balance her own needs and those of her children. For tonight I am thankful for their health, their joy and commitment to their activities, and my ability to manage it all.

30 Days of Thanks: November 27, 2020

Today I'm thankful for a slow pace. I often rush and jam pack my days, but today I opted to take it slow. It was a sleeping in morning, reading in bed, lazy breakfast morning. I took my time, in no hurry, and made it out and about for my 2 errands easily and with no stress. It made running errands much less stressful since I had no time agenda. I arrived home and opted to rest a bit more, eat a lazy lunch and then hit the trails.

I packed a book, drove to my state park and hit the easy trail. There I leisurely walked along the river until I found my favorite little corner where the river crashes noisily and the rocks are positioned just so. Out came my little pad and up went my feet. I dazed at the water, content to listen and fall away from myself, a meditation of sorts. After some time I opted to pull out my book and read, my back on the tree and my feet on the rocks, the water sounds my only accompaniment. There I found myself swept up in the story, it may have been minutes, it may have been an hour, I honestly do not know how much time passed. I do know all of a sudden there were people and a golden retriever across the river from me and I was startled out of my trance. That was my cue to get up and move. I hiked on, following the river as much as possible before being forced back to the paved trail.

I watched the others around me hustle and run, as I leisurely walked, no concern for the slowly setting sun and the rising moon. When I reached my car the moon had risen and the sun was mostly set, yet it was only 5pm. I was not afraid as there was plenty of light and I have certainly hiked in darkness before. It was an easy drive home and a simple dinner of leftovers.

Today was a day I needed. Simple, slow, easy. It was peaceful and full of connections as well. For all of these I give thanks.

30 Days of Thanks: November 6-9, 2020

This past weekend I had the opportunity to hike 30 miles of the Appalachian Trail in Pennsylvania with a new hiking partner. A woman I had met through social media, but never in person; a woman in many ways very different from me, but passionate about the outdoors and a love of hiking. There is much to be grateful for over these days that I was not writing.

Friday, November 6th I was thankful for the flexibility and privilege in my job to work a half day to leave early for my adventure. Not everyone has paid time off, or a manager who is gracious, flexible and understanding when you want to leave early so you can hike. I understand that I have these privileges, and it is a blessing.

Saturday, November 7th oh what a day. The weather was cool at the start and warmed quickly. My morning brightened by a text from S on the status of the election. How wonderful to be greeted with a text from a 13 year old. It is not something I would have likely done at her age. What a blessing she is in my life. My hiking partner and I covered 13 miles or so in the sunlight and then in the dark, lit by the light of her headlamp. What a day, we filtered water from a ground spring, hiked in a forest with the leaves crunching under our feet and rocks galore. We carried what we needed on our backs and the land provided the water. It was a beautiful experience. I am thankful for the strength in my body to hike.

Sunday, November 8th we had 14.2 miles to cover in a limited amount of time. It was hot, 37 degrees as we started our day at 8:15am and the temperature rose to 73 degrees by midday. The sun was shining and it was beautiful, but no clouds and no wind made for a hot November hike. The trail was relatively flat along the ridgetop, but rocky as always, water was scarce. On that day a trail angel provided water while at a road crossing, as well as companionable conversation. I became tired, frustrated at our schedule and progress as I watched us fall further behind. I had a deadline and it became very apparent in the early afternoon that we would not be making the time deadline. I am thankful for the grace that was granted to me to be gracious to my hiking partner. I knew that being angry and frustrated with her would not improve the situation, I knew that she was trying her best, and that her body was not cooperating as she wanted. so, instead of giving into those feelings I chose to extend grace. I am thankful that I chose grace. It was not that long ago that I would not have chosen to bestow that much grace, but I was able to let it go during the hike. I let myself vent at the end when we were all done and she was gone, but I was proud of my behavior.

On that Sunday I am also thankful for a ex-husband who also granted me grace for my incredibly late arrival. It was not that long ago that a lateness would have garnered anger and resentment, but with improved communication skills and my own healing journey it was a smooth transition.

In addition to the ex, I'm thankful for a friend who, on their birthday, drove food over to my that night for dinner. There I was, smelly, dirty, exhausted, and hungry and he arrived with 2 plates of food and cake. He stayed to keep me company while I ate and we celebrated with cake and beer.

Monday, November 9 I awoke home and clean in my own bed. A house, a roof over my head, running water, electricity, and options, glorious options of food. Such a contrast to the past 2 days of carrying all of my needs, yet both bring me love. Hiking provides me with peace that carries into my home life no other activity has ever done previously. I awoke thankful for the adventure, the opportunity to have the adventure and the courage to take and enjoy the adventure. 

Hiking is not always about the hike itself; it's the lessons I learn about myself along the miles and the emotional growth that I allow. I am thankful for the guidance that I have received from friends, family, and a fabulous therapist over the past few years that have awarded me with the courage to explore these adventures with a more open heart. Peace and grace to you all.

30 Days of Thanks: Wrap Up

I know I'm over a week late and a few entires short of my #30daysofthanks for November. Truth be told the end of the month was chaotic. My kids went to their Dad's extended family 10 hours away, leaving me home alone. Night one was a challenge, more than I thought it would be. This isn't my first go round with them being gone for this holiday- in fact it is the 4th year, but every year it hits me in a different way. By the time the second night rolled around I was at my cousin's to prepare to work on Thanksgiving and celebrate together. I was more worried about Thanksgiving itself and the potential fallout, given that last year I was a complete and utter wreck after Thanksgiving. This year I was so tired by the time I arrived home I did not have the opportunity to be a wreck. I'm thankful for that in and of itself.

Friday following Thanksgiving I crammed in as much as possible: a quick trip to Target to pick up a few things, a short 90 min hike in the state park near me, followed by taking a belay certification class so I can take my kids rock climbing. I wrapped that day up with dinner with my parents and packing for a quick, but cold overnight backpacking trip.

Saturday I headed out 2 hours from home for an 18 mile roundtrip trek at my coldest temperatures yet. It was a fabulous trip, just cold! Overnight lows in the 20s with a real feel of 17 when I awoke. But when you wake to a sunrise like this you can't complain.

Reflecting on all the things in my life over the month of November and first week of December I see so many blessings. I am healthy, strong in my faith and family. I have a loving family and 4 amazing kids who mean so much to me. I gained two new incredible hobbies and passions thanks to the influence of an amazing man: backpacking and rock climbing. I'll be forever grateful for the introduction to them. 

As 2019 draws to a close and we all reflect on the year that was I hope that we can find the glow and joy of the good times while remembering with peace the sad moments. It's with these sad and down and anxious moments that our moment of joy, peace and happiness shine brighter.

Peace and blessings in this holiday season to you and yours.

The AT ate my visor

Yup! The AT (Appalachian Trail) ate my visor. To be fair, it was my fault, but now it's gone, likely living somewhere near the William Penn Shelter. I hope it's happy there. I'd be happier if it was with me, but I'll just have to find a new one. So after my backpacking trip this weekend I have a few lessons learned I'd like to share with you:

1. Always check all of your compartments to make sure they're zipped up and that anything clipped to your bag is still there after taking a rest break. Yup, that's how my visor disappeared. Sadly I didn't realize until 10+ miles later, there was NO way I was going back for it.
2. Don't text and pack or you might forget something important, like say your sleeping bag. In my defense I packed the liner, so at least I had some type of cover. That being said I ended up sleeping in my wool base layer, extra shirt, jacket, hat, two pairs of socks and had the liner pulled up over my head to stay warm. 60s at night sounds great until you don't have sufficient coverage to stay warm consistently.
3. Those pretty streams aren't just for crossing and looking at- they're also your water source. Fairly obvious right? One would think so, but in my haze of enjoying the scenery it didn't dawn on me that those pretty streams and rivers were the water source listed on the map. Thankfully I didn't run out of water, but I was conserving more than usual until I knew I was going to make it to the next water source 3+ miles down the trail.
4. Drink more water! Again, obvious, but most hikers (and runners!) don't drink enough. Guilty party here. I am terrified of running out of water (see #3) so I conserve way more than I should, and then I get moving uphill and can't figure out why this is so challenging..... dehydration signs at their finest.
5. Climbing that rise is difficult, but going down is going to be even more challenging, especially if they don't believe in switchbacks. I was detesting climbing up (see #4) and then all of a sudden my quads were dying going downhill. I used a few running techniques to include leaning forward to offload my quads, relying more on my poles and attempting to let momentum carry me safely, but thanks to Rocksylvania that's not easily possible.
6. Move off to the side of the trail when letting someone pass, and FYI uphill hikers have the right of way. I always make a point to step off the trail when able to let someone pass, but there was nothing more frustrating than finally finding my stride (see #5) headed up an incline only to have to move over onto a rockier part to let an oblivious hiker share the trail with me.
7. Say Hi and chat with fellow hikers if they stop you. I know you have miles to conquer but maybe they have some useful information. Two different groups stopped me when they learned my destination to warn me about the flooded trail and to take the dry trail detour unless I wanted to be soaked.
8. Test out your gear and know the ins and outs of it. Maybe I'm continuing to point out the obvious, but I thought I knew my pack in and out before this trip. And then the rain hit and I realized I had a rain cover for it, but no idea how to attach it. I didn't even bother attempting it in the rain, figuring my stuff had a better chance staying dry if I just kept moving. 
9. Wet rocks are slippier than they appear. Day 2 topping off my water before leaving camp I push off to climb back out of the stream and in goes my right foot. I hadn't even started my hike for the day and that foot was soaked. I swore I had good purchase on that rock, but apparently not.
10. Laugh at yourself, a lot. I spend a lot of my hikes smiling and laughing quietly (and not so quietly) at myself. Every time I stub my toe (a lot less this trip!) and about go sprawling I smile and often chuckle, what else can I do? I could be mad, but the truth is the rock was always there, I just misjudged my feet. It makes for a much more pleasant hike when you can find humor in your actions (see #9). 

So these are my silly little lessons learned on my hike this weekend. I hope you find them useful.

Solo

Armed with the confidence from a single backpacking trip I decided to close out my summer as I had started it, a trip along the AT, just this time I would be solo. I studied maps, joined two all women facebook groups dedicated solely to hiking, and made my plans. I guessed on mileage, and planned for a 2 night trip. I bought supplies and arranged a shuttle to pick me up from my car, drive me out 30 miles and drop me off.

The nerves hit the night before as I packed, double and triple checking my gear and food. If I forgot something I was on my own, there was no magic but my own to fix the situation. I tried to remember everything my dear friend had taught me. I hoped and prayed that it would be enough. Nerves carried me to the trailhead after my drop. A few deep breaths and my poles, pack and I were off. Within 10 feet the nerves were gone, my body seemed to remember how to use the poles and stride with a weighted pack. There was no fear about being alone on the trail, for I was alone. It took three hours to spot another human.

I walked in silence and peaceful bliss along a tree covered ridge-line with a smile on my face. There were not many views, but there was peace and beauty. I had packed headphones in case the silence became deafening, but it never did. I enjoyed listening to the birds, insects and my own thoughts spun uninterrupted. Personally, I had been craving this trip, a chance to get away with my own thoughts and heal without distractions. On the trail my mind was clear, there were no distractions, but the initial driving impetus of this trip had fallen away. This trip became about me being comfortable in the silence of my mind. For someone with anxiety, this can be a challenge, there's always a lurking fear that the anxiety will take hold and spiral you. I could not afford to have an anxiety spiral on the trail. Thankfully, my anxiety never surfaced, not even when I was a few miles from camp and running low on water and energy. It wasn't one of those times where I had just mastered the anxiety or was ignoring it; it 100% was not present. The mountains were speaking to my soul, and in that moment I knew that I was going to be fine.

This trip was not about the recreating the magic found on my first trip, but creating a new type of magic. There is no recreating that kind of magic that I had Memorial Day weekend. I carry it with me still.  This solo trip required a new brand of courage and for me to delve into my own magic. I'm not saying there weren't moments that I didn't wish for my friend, but I was content to be solo. Alone on the trail you learn more about yourself than imaginable. If you read accounts of thru-hikers or talk to any you will learn that they all say the same thing after finishing: life will never be the same. While my short hike (28.5 miles or 1.3% of the AT) cannot compare to a thru-hike, I know that I am forever changed.

I know that I am a stronger hiker than I thought when developing my plans. My Memorial Day hike we covered about 26 miles over the 2 days, so I planned a 28 mile hike figuring that I would be moving slower without assistance. Day 1 I covered 16.8 miles and realized that I would reach my car the next day around 2 at that pace. I made plans to hike past the car to get my 2 nights in the woods. Apparently, the universe had other plans for me, as on Day 2 the rain came crashing down about a mile and a half from my car and the forecast called for more rain and thunderstorms. While I had the opportunity to continue hiking, I decided that I had achieved my goal and consider it a successful hike even if it was just 1 night out.

I found peace and happiness along the trail, despite the challenges and pain. I found more of me. I listened to the voices in my head about true abilities, my courage, my love and the possibilities of the future. Though I left the trail soaked and looking like a drowned rat, I left with hope and love in my heart, complete in a newfound magic built on the base created in May.

Day 1 (16.8 miles)

Day 2 from start to a wet soggy finish at my car (11.7 miles)