Gratitude

I was asked earlier this week to identify how I want to be thanked, acknowledged, recognized. How would I best like gratitude expressed to me? I stumbled in my response, this wasn't the usual survey that you complete at work that has basic options such as do you want to be publicly recognized, no public recognition, would you like a specific candy treat, etc that I have completed before. This was a genuine question and concern to acknowledge me and my contributions in a way that would be most comfortable and address my needs. Again, I stumbled. Maybe you know right off the bat, but I certainly didn't and promised that I would think and reflect.

It's uncomfortable to sit and think about this. Why? It's not that I don't believe that I am not worthy of the praise, nor that I don't deserve it. It's partially that I am not used to that type of recognition. Those of you who were around in the early years of this blog, following the journey to the PhD there was very little praise, it was a lot of criticism, not always constructive either. Those years certainly left a mark on me, as well as my marriage. It is a different feeling to be acknowledged for being yourself. The contributions I am making are certainly worth being recognized and gratitude expressed, though what I am doing is such a core part of me that at times it seems silly to "thank me" for doing what comes naturally. Though, I know from past experience that if I am not recognized it can lead to frustration, anger, resentment, and a lot of hurt feelings and misery on my end. So, I have to sit with my discomfort and find what is going to be the most accepting to balance my need to be recognized and seen and not be placed on a pedestal.

Two things that are always important to me are words and actions. It is through these that I feel the most loved, appreciated and seen. When you examine gratitude it is a form of love, so it only makes sense to tie back to what makes you feel loved. I want to hear it out loud, see it written and know that it comes genuinely from your heart.  Private notes, letters, texts, emails are wonderful ways to express this to me, as well as some recognition on a public level. The publicity is less important, as the critical component is the genuineness of the words. In taking the time and effort to acknowledge me in these ways you are also performing an action. Words are critical and crucial to me; though actions are also important. Tying this need into an expression of gratitude and recognition is challenging. I think for these purposes it means follow through, the completion of the desired action. Action isn't the same as gifts. While I enjoy receiving flowers, I appreciate the gesture as much as I appreciate the flowers themselves. Action is taking your time to do something for me, whether that is cooking for me, teaching me a new skill, or even sending me a song, poem, or book I might enjoy.

Through all of this the themes that emerge are connection and genuineness. The expression of recognition should be genuine, personal and written both privately and publicly. Expanding on that gratitude can be expressed through actions that reflect our connection. These may appear to be simple to many, but there is such beauty in the simplicity. I am not one for complexities in areas that do not require. As a woman with a complex, intricately chaotic life, the simplicity of my desires are a reflection of my core self. The external chaos requires a counterbalance of simplicity and connection. I desire to be seen, acknowledged, and recognized for my core being.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 12 and 13

So I swore I hit publish on my post from yesterday, but apparently not. So here's my days

Day 12: I'm a little stumped where to start today. It's been a unique day; highs, lows, frustrations and everything in-between. All in all I think what I'm thankful for the most today was some much needed down time. I took some of my time and just had some mental health breaks. I'm thankful for the ability to realize that I need them and act on them to take them. It can still be a challenge, but it is getting easier. Down-time, real down time, is crucial to my mental health. I am notorious for jam packing my days and nights and free time. While I am better at balancing it out, I still need more down time than I give myself. So today, I'm thankful for the gift of time to relax.

Day 13: Today I'm thankful for my friends who can be truthful with me. There's a lot going on in the background that I'm not sharing, but it's taking all sorts of tolls on me emotionally and even physically. With some advice from my friends I have a plan for moving forward on one piece of things. Without friends who are willing to be honest and truthful with me I'm certain life would look very different. Thanks to all the friends today for the guidance.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 6

This morning and most of the day I had a number of ideas about what I wanted to write about tonight, but now as I sit down to write I've forgotten all of them. That's what happens when you have an anxiety spike. Your brain shuts down and you have to fight for every second. It's exhausting in ways you can't imagine unless you suffer from it yourself. There are moments that I will take the post-marathon/long run exhaustion and soreness over the relentless nature of anxiety. Today's spike came generally without warning, though tomorrow, assuming it has passed, I may be able to see the signs. Regardless, I sit here trying to find something to be thankful and grateful for. Sure, there are canned things like my health, my kids, their health, etc. but they wouldn't be genuine. My goal throughout this blog is to be genuine. What you read is me to my core, it might be filtered for the sake of protecting individuals, but the emotions behind it all are real.

I could cheat and look on facebook to see what I was thankful for last year on this day, but again, I'd know I'm not being honest. Honesty is a quality that I value highly. I'd rather you be honest with me about things than lie or avoid or ignore. Honesty takes a certain amount and type of courage that you don't often see these days. To the men and women that I know that are truly honest with me I thank you. And there it is: I'm thankful for the gift of honesty.

It may not always be well received, but it's always appreciated.

Humbling Honesty

I think that everyone needs to have at least 1 friend who is willing to be brutally honest with you. I am lucky enough to have 2 of those. While it can be an intense friendship, you know that they aren't going to tolerate your BS and they'll call you on things. I find it a rare occurrence these days to find someone willing to be that honest with you. It takes a lot of courage on their part, even if it's part of their nature.

I bring this up because today 1 of my friends took a hard stance with me about a choice I made. I don't want to go into specifics but my friend pointed out 2 very important things to me. One, that the action I took was not fair to them, and two, that I was using my anxiety as an excuse. I will tell you that my immediate gut reaction was to be defensive. Here I was feeling crappy and this friend of mine was not being the supportive person I knew. But I took a deep breath and read the lines again, and again until I could get through my knee jerk defensiveness and listen.

My friend was 100% correct.
My action and choice was not fair to them AND I did use my anxiety as an excuse, even if it wasn't intentional. I was humbled. I was sad knowing that I had upset them. I took advantage of a precious friendship and used an excuse, rather than be honest. I needed my friend this morning and I wasn't honest with them about that, but they responded with honesty. I am still humbled by them.

I could be angry, I could be upset, I could be a million different things, but I'm choosing to use this as a lesson in humility and how to approach this situation in the future. As was pointed out to me it's how we think, view and react in the situations that define us. I can chose to have anxiety define me, or I can chose to live my life and have something else define me.  I'm choosing to not allow anxiety to define me. I am me. I am not anxiety. I am an extremely grateful, thankful and humbled friend tonight.