19 from 2019

It's that time of year when people are posting their "tops" from the past year and I thought I would join in the memory making. These are my top 19 moments/memories from 2019 in no particular order.

1. Backpacking on the AT the first time with Backbone. There was so much in this short 25 mile out and back trip that occurred. Reflecting on it was all the little things, but the little things become the big things. It was the trip that made me fall in love with backpacking.
2. First solo backpacking trip. Need I say more?
3. Having my divorce become official. It was one of the last steps to closure that I had been seeking.
4. Planning and mostly completing my first multi-day, multi-state backpacking trek. I learned so much about myself and how much I truly loved being out in the woods hiking on this trek. It solidified future plans and endeavors for longer trips and treks.
5. Whitewater rafting with my kids down the New River in West Virginia. So much fun, they can't wait to do it again.
6. Hiking and camping in Shenandoah National Park with my kids. We absolutely loved the park and trails and the views. 
7. Relaxing on the beach in Punta Canna with a book and a beverage.
8. Realizing that while I love the beach, I am truly a mountain woman. They (and the trail) call me with a siren song.
9. Watching Hugh Jackman perform live at his concert. It was a great show with fantastic company.
10. A fun birthday and Easter celebration with my kids and my parents. Birthdays are a complicated thing for me and this year mine coincided with Easter
11. Watching my oldest nail her cartwheel on the balance beam during competitions. I love watching her achieve new skills. 
12. Watching D fall in love with rock climbing and nimbly zip up the walls without an issue. This dude of mine is a natural athlete and honestly he struggles a bit with some activities, because the skills come so naturally he gets bored. He needs a sport/activity that continually challenges him. He does well in gymnastics, but doesn't have the desire to compete. D loves basketball, but even that has become almost "boring." One round of rock climbing and he was hooked. 
13. Watching G learn complicated dives. It's a love/hate with diving. I love watching him dive, but some of those dives are a bit terrifying as a parent.
14. Watching B come into her own from First Communion to becoming more confident in some situations. She's always been an outgoing, sassy little thing, but this year, especially these past few months she has grown more.
15. Reconnecting in person with friends from Texas that I have not seen since 1998.
16. A hotel room with an in-suite jacuzzi sans kids for a night to spoil myself.
17. Coming to the realization that I really enjoy writing and applying to write for All Women All Trails.
18. Being accepted and published with All Women All Trails. 
19. Rediscovering a joy of cooking from nights of homemade traditional tacos and margaritas, fish and chips with smooshed peas, pizzas and beer, gnocchi, breakfast tacos and what feels like a thousand other little things. It was nice to cook with and for someone who enjoyed it and appreciated it. In those simple acts I found a passion again in crafting meals.

Magic and Growth

2019 taught me a lot of things. I know it was a rough year for many, and I'll be the first to admit that there have been some rough patches, but overall this year was filled with magic and growth. I ended 2018 not knowing what the following year would bring. I was looking forward to new adventures, leaving behind old pieces of me and my former life. 2018 had brought forth a lot of its own change and growth, but it was painful, so incredibly painful. The magic and growth of 2019 has not had the depth of pain of previous years, for which I am grateful.

This year I learned to take time for myself; to truly take time for myself. My running and training of the past years I used to consider as "me" time, and while it was time for me and recharged me, it was also an escape, leaving me physically exhausted and not healing on a deeper level. In 2019 I learned to take days off just for me. In the past my time off from work was for sick time or preparing for parties, or running errands, almost never just for me. My days off this year were necessary for healing, growth and discernment, as well as adventure. I took days off this year to backpack, attend a destination wedding, see my dear friend in Vermont and a day to relax and enjoy a nice hotel room with an in-suite jacuzzi.

I learned to take these days guilt free. Everyone needs time off, away from the chaos and demands of our lives, a chance to find our true self. On some of these days I was lucky enough to spend some of the time with a partner who supported me and loved me. I found magic in these days off that was able to carryover into my reality, and in these it propelled me forward. Not all growth is painful was a powerful lesson learned upon the journey of 2019.

I welcomed in 2019 with an unexpected relationship that taught me so many things, as well as helped me discover parts of me that had been hiding. I am dreaming again and setting new big goals. Goals and dreams that others will not understand, but that I hope will support. There's magic in a relationship and connection where you are recognized for you. As a person that has multiple roles, the core of me often gets lost among those roles: mom, coach, PT, analyst; and it was in this connection that I have been able to strengthen my core self.

Magic and growth have been at the heart of 2019. With the gifts that 2019 has brought I look forward to the adventures awaiting in 2020.

Christmas

I hear it every year:

I don't think I could be away from my kids on Christmas. I'd die.

No, you won't die, you'll do just fine like the rest of us. You will make new traditions and you'll find peace and joy and magic in them. This is my third year as a single parent, and I'm incredibly thankful for the arrangement I have with my kids' father. I have my crew every Christmas Eve and until 2pm Christmas Day. My family has always traditionally celebrated Christmas Eve, so this allows me to keep my traditions and I get to see their excitement on Christmas morning when they see what Santa has delivered. I am known to joke quite frequently that they go off to their dad's when they have hit that crazy part of the day when you're like go outside, go take a nap or go do something because you're driving me nuts! Just because I joke about it doesn't make it any easier to close that door as they load into their dad's car. But the truth is they NEED to see their dad and spend time with him and his family on the holidays. It's not fair to him or them, so I smile and send them off with love and hugs, knowing they'll be back tomorrow night late and all is fine.

Two years ago one of my dear friends blessed me prior to my first single parent Christmas as I was unsure what I was going to do; she told me to have a non-traditional Christmas, to go to the movies and order in Chinese food. Two years ago it was the best present I could give myself. I had just survived my first single parent Christmas in a boot and with an exorcism style vomiting child on Christmas eve. My eldest son was violently ill all over his shared bedroom (luckily missing his younger brother sleeping on the bottom bunk). There I was slugging along in my boot, having just finished setting up as Santa, trying to negotiate a sick kid and keeping all the goodies a surprise. When my kiddos left that Christmas Day I packed up, drove to the movies, enjoyed myself and came home to another movie and Chinese food.

Last year I skipped going to the movies and had a mini-movie marathon at my house, complete with Chinese, wine and leftover mimosas. I sat on my couch, enjoyed myself and texted with a few friends. I was content, at peace and just happy. I was truly at peace with how my life was, despite how different it was from what I experienced as a child.

This year originally looked to be shaping up to be a little different than the previous 2 years, but in the end it was similar. My kids served at the Christmas Eve mass, we had dinner with my parents, opened gifts and I had them in bed before 10. I played Santa and was able to get to bed around 11:30 after prepping everything for the next day. My kiddos were super excited to come rushing down the stairs and see their gifts. We played with their things, ate breakfast and enjoyed the magic of the day. When their dad arrived to pick them up they were off the wall excited to see him and spend time with him. It's this that I keep in mind when I have a few moments of missing them. They love him and need this time. I myself packed up myself and headed to the movies. I had hopes that I might have a friend join me, but that fell through. And it's ok. I enjoyed my movie, enjoyed coming home and watching another movie and eating my Chinese food while finishing up the last of the mimosas and scrolling through Facebook loving everyone's pictures.

There's a magic at Christmastime if you just look around for the miracles.

Beauty

I stumbled upon this poem earlier today and it has resonated within me quite a bit.

For you see I struggle at times with my outward appearance. I've never considered myself undeniably pretty, or stunning or anything of those terms that we use to describe beauty. It has taken me a long time and work to honestly accept a compliment about my outward appearance. I certainly don't match the typical societal ideology of pretty, and for the majority of time I'm fine with that. Though, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it bothered me at times. But then, I look down at my belly with its stretch marks, wide hips and thick thighs and think of what they've done. I've grown and birthed 4 beautiful healthy babies under my own power; I've run 3 marathons; I've hiked miles with a heavy pack; I've picked up babies, toddlers, teens, and the occasional adult off the floor from therapy. I've carried countless babies and laundry baskets on those hips. I may not be tall, lean or have perfect proportions, but I am strong, I am beautiful in my own right.

In that, my beauty comes from my love, courage, and unending light. I don't need society to dictate my beauty. Until you've walked my path, or a similar one, you don't know the courage it has taken to get out of bed and go about the day. The courage to make life altering decisions that impact not only me, but my entire family. The courage to grow, to live, to love again and not completely crumble under it all. There have been any number of days where I'd rather not face the world or my problems, but it's not part of my nature to hide away. My situation will not change unless I am willing to confront my fears and demons with light and life and love.

As I reflect on all of this I'm reminded of the new song from Frozen 2, All is Found, which is incredibly powerful.

"But can you brave what you most fear?

Can you face what the river knows?"

Do you have the strength and courage to face the memories, the fears, the insecurities?

There are certainly days when I don't have those skills, and I spend my time alone on the riverbank, awash in my anxiety and fears. For at the root of anxiety is fear; to ease my anxiety I must acknowledge my fears.

"Until the river's finally crossed

You'll never feel the solid ground

You had to get a little lost

On your way to being found"

I have spent time being lost, barely shining, just glowing and glimmering, hiding in the darkness of fear and anxiety. Those moments of being lost are the unique opportunities for growth. For I believe, that even in the those moments of discontent and disconnect, I am learning to strengthen my inner light. Each of these moments of being lost and crossing the river lead to becoming a more beautiful version of me.

30 Days of Thanks: Wrap Up

I know I'm over a week late and a few entires short of my #30daysofthanks for November. Truth be told the end of the month was chaotic. My kids went to their Dad's extended family 10 hours away, leaving me home alone. Night one was a challenge, more than I thought it would be. This isn't my first go round with them being gone for this holiday- in fact it is the 4th year, but every year it hits me in a different way. By the time the second night rolled around I was at my cousin's to prepare to work on Thanksgiving and celebrate together. I was more worried about Thanksgiving itself and the potential fallout, given that last year I was a complete and utter wreck after Thanksgiving. This year I was so tired by the time I arrived home I did not have the opportunity to be a wreck. I'm thankful for that in and of itself.

Friday following Thanksgiving I crammed in as much as possible: a quick trip to Target to pick up a few things, a short 90 min hike in the state park near me, followed by taking a belay certification class so I can take my kids rock climbing. I wrapped that day up with dinner with my parents and packing for a quick, but cold overnight backpacking trip.

Saturday I headed out 2 hours from home for an 18 mile roundtrip trek at my coldest temperatures yet. It was a fabulous trip, just cold! Overnight lows in the 20s with a real feel of 17 when I awoke. But when you wake to a sunrise like this you can't complain.

Reflecting on all the things in my life over the month of November and first week of December I see so many blessings. I am healthy, strong in my faith and family. I have a loving family and 4 amazing kids who mean so much to me. I gained two new incredible hobbies and passions thanks to the influence of an amazing man: backpacking and rock climbing. I'll be forever grateful for the introduction to them. 

As 2019 draws to a close and we all reflect on the year that was I hope that we can find the glow and joy of the good times while remembering with peace the sad moments. It's with these sad and down and anxious moments that our moment of joy, peace and happiness shine brighter.

Peace and blessings in this holiday season to you and yours.