30 Days of Thanks: November 23

Today I'm simply thankful for joy. I have been finding more joy in the moments of my days, and find myself smiling randomly for no reason other than just because. It's in these moments that I have come to realize that I am filled with joy and often peace. Today during my yoga practice I was working through a more challenging pose and out came a small smile, joy at the work, the dedication, and strength I have found in practicing yoga. 

We often speak of love, of grace, of peace, yet we speak so rarely of joy. Joy is not happiness; joy is more intricate and complex than happiness. Joy radiates in ways that happiness does not. When you have observed someone glowing and radiating I believe that they are exhibiting joy more often than happiness. While I cannot fully describe joy, I feel light and radiant from the inside out. To me joy is the light and happiness that are internal and then radiate outward. I am thankful that there is more joy in my life, more random smiles, and more light. I wish you all more joy in your lives.

30 Days of Thanks: November 28, 2020

Every step, every moment is a gift. That impossible appearing hill or mountain is a gift. As I hiked a strenuous trail today, one of my absolute favorites, and my legs were tired of climbing, my lungs burned and my nose itched under my mask all I could think was that I had been given a gift. It feels like a lifetime ago that I rediscovered hiking and my joy of the outdoors. I feel as if I have been backpacking my entire life, not just 18 months. The gift I was given in May 2019 continues to gift me with more. It connected me to an entirely new community, connected me to the American Perimeter Trail Project, and most importantly connected me back to me.

Out on the trail, nothing but nature around me and in me I can hear myself. I hear my thoughts, experience my feelings in new ways. I purposefully choose not to listen to music, but my own thoughts, my own fears, and experience them. It is a gift to be able to walk with myself. I make the conscious choice to connect and communicate with me. This past year I have been seeking adventures with other, not because I cannot walk with myself, but because I craved community. After 11 months of seeking community on the trail with backpacking I have decided that for now I will not actively seek community, I will let the path lead. My adventures with others backpacking went well, I had no complaints and I would go out again with any of the ladies I met, though for me I missed myself. I missed my contemplative time, the quiet I experience on the trail. I am the hiker that prefers quiet and listening to nature. I do enjoy a good conversation, but I also prefer the peace that I find in the quiet. I can find my footing, find myself, and find the gift that is me.

It is a gift to walk for me to walk with me, as me. On the trail there is only me, no longer do I function as mom, manager, coordinator, coach, cheerleader, chef, maid, analyst, laundress, chauffeur, therapist. I am only me. The trail, no matter the length, provides me with that gift. Running used to provide something similar, but I never found the peace in it as I have with hiking and backpacking. Laughing at myself as I stumble, catch my toe on the never ending rocks of Pennsylvania, listening to my poles scratch the rocks, feeling the pole slip off the rock I find myself repeatedly. There I can see the woman I am, perfectly imperfect, yet a gift. 

 

30 Days of Thanks: November 6-9, 2020

This past weekend I had the opportunity to hike 30 miles of the Appalachian Trail in Pennsylvania with a new hiking partner. A woman I had met through social media, but never in person; a woman in many ways very different from me, but passionate about the outdoors and a love of hiking. There is much to be grateful for over these days that I was not writing.

Friday, November 6th I was thankful for the flexibility and privilege in my job to work a half day to leave early for my adventure. Not everyone has paid time off, or a manager who is gracious, flexible and understanding when you want to leave early so you can hike. I understand that I have these privileges, and it is a blessing.

Saturday, November 7th oh what a day. The weather was cool at the start and warmed quickly. My morning brightened by a text from S on the status of the election. How wonderful to be greeted with a text from a 13 year old. It is not something I would have likely done at her age. What a blessing she is in my life. My hiking partner and I covered 13 miles or so in the sunlight and then in the dark, lit by the light of her headlamp. What a day, we filtered water from a ground spring, hiked in a forest with the leaves crunching under our feet and rocks galore. We carried what we needed on our backs and the land provided the water. It was a beautiful experience. I am thankful for the strength in my body to hike.

Sunday, November 8th we had 14.2 miles to cover in a limited amount of time. It was hot, 37 degrees as we started our day at 8:15am and the temperature rose to 73 degrees by midday. The sun was shining and it was beautiful, but no clouds and no wind made for a hot November hike. The trail was relatively flat along the ridgetop, but rocky as always, water was scarce. On that day a trail angel provided water while at a road crossing, as well as companionable conversation. I became tired, frustrated at our schedule and progress as I watched us fall further behind. I had a deadline and it became very apparent in the early afternoon that we would not be making the time deadline. I am thankful for the grace that was granted to me to be gracious to my hiking partner. I knew that being angry and frustrated with her would not improve the situation, I knew that she was trying her best, and that her body was not cooperating as she wanted. so, instead of giving into those feelings I chose to extend grace. I am thankful that I chose grace. It was not that long ago that I would not have chosen to bestow that much grace, but I was able to let it go during the hike. I let myself vent at the end when we were all done and she was gone, but I was proud of my behavior.

On that Sunday I am also thankful for a ex-husband who also granted me grace for my incredibly late arrival. It was not that long ago that a lateness would have garnered anger and resentment, but with improved communication skills and my own healing journey it was a smooth transition.

In addition to the ex, I'm thankful for a friend who, on their birthday, drove food over to my that night for dinner. There I was, smelly, dirty, exhausted, and hungry and he arrived with 2 plates of food and cake. He stayed to keep me company while I ate and we celebrated with cake and beer.

Monday, November 9 I awoke home and clean in my own bed. A house, a roof over my head, running water, electricity, and options, glorious options of food. Such a contrast to the past 2 days of carrying all of my needs, yet both bring me love. Hiking provides me with peace that carries into my home life no other activity has ever done previously. I awoke thankful for the adventure, the opportunity to have the adventure and the courage to take and enjoy the adventure. 

Hiking is not always about the hike itself; it's the lessons I learn about myself along the miles and the emotional growth that I allow. I am thankful for the guidance that I have received from friends, family, and a fabulous therapist over the past few years that have awarded me with the courage to explore these adventures with a more open heart. Peace and grace to you all.

It must be Madison thing

There must be something about Madison. My first business trip to Madison made me an incredible friend and helped me immensely in my healing. That single trip helped me gain confidence and freedom from some of my anxiety. And now after a second trip I learned more about myself again and continue to heal and progress.

This trip I was not as lucky to make a fantastic friend, but really I didn't think that would happen again. In fact, I spent a lot of this past trip alone. For those of you know who know me well, know that this can be recipe for an anxiety disaster. Even on my trip in June when I was practically attached at the hip to my new friend I had an anxiety breakdown one night. But this trip I had almost no instances of anxiety. It was a peaceful trip. I won't say it wasn't weird to be back there at the same hotel, riding the shuttle alone and eating at mostly the same restaurants without my buddy. I had been worried going into the trip that having these powerful memories of joy and happiness from the previous trip would potentially send me on a crazy downward anxiety spiral. I will say I did spend the first day and half looking for my bud until I managed to get it into my head that they wouldn't be there. I also attempted to get into my old room a few times due to force of habit. (go ahead and laugh- I did)

I had to accept the fact that I was going to be alone for periods of time, especially when class began and it was clear most of my classmates were already paired. I missed my partner immensely, but I was able to dig into the material and focus. It was at lunch the first day that it struck me that I wasn't sad or stressed or anxious about being alone. I smiled and set out to be social. I sat a table with some other people there for training not in my class. We chatted and it was pleasant, but then they left and I had 20 minutes to spare. I found myself alone and at peace standing looking at the farmland surrounding me. It was an entirely new experience. I felt centered.

Throughout my trip I could be on the deck and look over the farmland and know I was alone, but I was at peace. I could have the same peace staring out my hotel room window or the bus. I didn't have any anxiety. I was calm and centered. I could go to dinner without a book and just smile at the people around me in groups. I could eat lunch alone in peace. And on my last full day there when I was ditched not once, but twice, at lunch I could smile and laugh about it. I marveled in the fact that the two different women who ditched me mid-lunch were missing out my awesome personality. I used to make jokes about this, but I never truly believed it; this time I really believed it in my being.

I can't say what it was that made the difference. It wasn't an event or a person that made the shift, but it was an internal discovery. Now that I'm home I'm working to recapture that sense of peace, but I know I am not the same woman that left for Madison less than a week ago. While I'm not as peaceful and centered as I was there, I am working towards it. And that my friends is huge progress. There must be something about Madison.....