There must be something about Madison. My first business trip to Madison made me an incredible friend and helped me immensely in my healing. That single trip helped me gain confidence and freedom from some of my anxiety. And now after a second trip I learned more about myself again and continue to heal and progress.
This trip I was not as lucky to make a fantastic friend, but really I didn't think that would happen again. In fact, I spent a lot of this past trip alone. For those of you know who know me well, know that this can be recipe for an anxiety disaster. Even on my trip in June when I was practically attached at the hip to my new friend I had an anxiety breakdown one night. But this trip I had almost no instances of anxiety. It was a peaceful trip. I won't say it wasn't weird to be back there at the same hotel, riding the shuttle alone and eating at mostly the same restaurants without my buddy. I had been worried going into the trip that having these powerful memories of joy and happiness from the previous trip would potentially send me on a crazy downward anxiety spiral. I will say I did spend the first day and half looking for my bud until I managed to get it into my head that they wouldn't be there. I also attempted to get into my old room a few times due to force of habit. (go ahead and laugh- I did)
I had to accept the fact that I was going to be alone for periods of time, especially when class began and it was clear most of my classmates were already paired. I missed my partner immensely, but I was able to dig into the material and focus. It was at lunch the first day that it struck me that I wasn't sad or stressed or anxious about being alone. I smiled and set out to be social. I sat a table with some other people there for training not in my class. We chatted and it was pleasant, but then they left and I had 20 minutes to spare. I found myself alone and at peace standing looking at the farmland surrounding me. It was an entirely new experience. I felt centered.
Throughout my trip I could be on the deck and look over the farmland and know I was alone, but I was at peace. I could have the same peace staring out my hotel room window or the bus. I didn't have any anxiety. I was calm and centered. I could go to dinner without a book and just smile at the people around me in groups. I could eat lunch alone in peace. And on my last full day there when I was ditched not once, but twice, at lunch I could smile and laugh about it. I marveled in the fact that the two different women who ditched me mid-lunch were missing out my awesome personality. I used to make jokes about this, but I never truly believed it; this time I really believed it in my being.
I can't say what it was that made the difference. It wasn't an event or a person that made the shift, but it was an internal discovery. Now that I'm home I'm working to recapture that sense of peace, but I know I am not the same woman that left for Madison less than a week ago. While I'm not as peaceful and centered as I was there, I am working towards it. And that my friends is huge progress. There must be something about Madison.....
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