Birthdays

With my birthday coming up very soon I have to share a story. My birthday has become a sore spot for me. It's not the getting older part, but the memories that it invokes. You see, it was my birthday weekend of 2017 that I came to the full heartbreaking conclusion that my marriage was over.

I had been invited to a surprise birthday party for my dear friend in Vermont. Her husband was throwing her a random surprise birthday party and to me at the time it seemed like the sweetest thing in the world. All I asked for for my birthday that year was to go to this party alone, a much needed weekend away. Departing on that Friday, my actual birthday, I went to go celebrate her and learned so much about my marriage that short weekend away. I went, not expecting the emotional reactions that I would have and the falling out that would occur.

Have you ever been around that couple that radiates love so strongly it's felt across the room? Watched them as they move their separate ways, but still intimately connected?
See the eye contact they make from their distance spaces and be overwhelmed with the love and connection?

That's the couple I found when I attended this birthday party. My friend and her husband were so obviously enamored with each other it was breathtaking, and I was crushed. I wasn't jealous, just crushed.

My core collapsed with sadness, and the knowledge, that I didn't have that in my marriage. I spent time fighting back tears, socializing, smiling and enjoying myself while coming to a horrendous conclusion. I can remember not wanting the party to end, that it was better to be in exquisite pain in the company of others than face my hotel room alone with the knowledge I had gained. When the night ended and I was finally alone in a room that was designed for romantic interludes my world imploded.

Tears, a fireplace, a journal, endless tears, muffled screams, rocking inconsolably on the floor, hopelessly alone. Who are you going to call on a late Saturday night when you finally understand that your world has shattered? The magical illusion could no longer exist when faced with the truth of a beautiful marriage and partnership. It took hours to get to a place to where I could leave the floor and crawl into a bed designed for happy couples. Every aspect of the room I was occupying was geared towards a couple and there I was, a singleton, complete with new knowledge that there would be many more instances in my life like this. How do you survive as a singleton when you've been a duo for near 20 years? On and on my mind spun, unable to reach that point of numbing exhaustion from grief. I know that at some point I was able to sleep, surrounded by pillows so that I could pretend I wasn't so alone.

Then came the dawn, waking up like Eve with gift of knowledge that I would like to return. I was supposed to meet my friend and her husband for breakfast, I begged off. I can't remember what I told her, maybe I said I was ill, maybe I said I overslept, maybe I said I needed to get home sooner. It doesn't matter, but there was no way I could go face them. She knows me well enough that had I met her I would have collapsed, unable to maintain the charade I had maintained for months. I know I texted a friend back in Pennsylvania who assured me that it was OK to bail on my friend and she encouraged me to get on the road, knowing I had 8 hours of driving to undertake. It was a drive filled with tears, pulling over at rest stops to cry inconsolably. Every song seemed to make the tears come more, and the silence was unbearable.

Then there was the knowledge that I was driving home, to a place that didn't truly feel like home. I wanted to go anywhere but there. I didn't think I had the strength or courage to face him or my kids and pretend that my weekend was fabulous. Somewhere I found the strength to make it home, plaster on a smile and have a late dinner with my kids and their dad. We celebrated my birthday with some brownies that a coworker had gifted me prior to my departure from work on Friday. Because you see, I arrived home anticipating some sort of birthday celebration, since I had been gone on my actual birthday, but my family had nothing. Those simple brownies took on a brand new meaning.

I can remember that an errand needed to be run soon after I got home, and despite my fatigue I jumped at the chance to leave the house again. I was so miserable. I ran the errand and remember texting my therapist begging for an appointment the next day because I couldn't imagine waiting 3 days. Being home was torturous, being out was misery; there seemed to be no relief in sight. I craved sleep and oblivion. Little did I know that I would be getting a significant amount of sleep over the next week as my body caved to the stress and I spiked fevers all week, unable to get out of bed or go to work, cancelling my half-marathon that was supposed to be run the following weekend.

Of course this birthday weekend was just one piece of the puzzle, but it is the intricate piece that connects my former two parent family to a now single parent family. I have hidden this story away, locked in my mind and journal, letting the shame and guilt build and letting it infect my birthday. Last year I dreaded my birthday, knowing that it would bring up these memories. While my birthday in 2018 did not have the life changing, soul crushing, world crashing impact that 2017 did, it presented its own unique sadness.

You can imagine that with my 2019 birthday pending I have anxiety mounting. In fact the past two days have brought increasing anxiety that I have finally attributed to my birthday. I share this story to let go of the shame and guilt and resentment, offer forgiveness and enter a mindset of gratitude.  I have so much to be thankful and grateful for this year. I am happy and healthy. I have an amazing group of friends, people that love me and adventures awaiting. 2019 was brought about with magic and a new connection. There is no reason to believe that this birthday will bring anything but joy, love and magic. With the closing of this post I am releasing all that no longer serves me of these memories in order to be free for magic and love.