Facing a Fear

Any of you that have participated in therapy of any kind know that the real work occurs outside of the therapy session, be it your home exercise program or the homework your therapist assigns, this is where the real work begins. You can't truly accomplish changes and growth in 1-2 hours per week in the safety of a clinic. You need to put in the work at home and in your life. Today, I am feeling that work and I haven't even begun my homework that was assigned today.

I can leave my therapy sessions feeling relieved, exhausted, elated, free, drained, anxious, tired, or an entire host of different emotions. Today I left and was just tired, but as the day progressed it morphed into some different forms of my anxiety and sadness, and brought up some deep rooted fears/insecurities. It could be very easy to let those fears and insecurities trigger my anxiety to ramp up and set me for a downward spiral. I am using my techniques to prevent the anxiety spiral and that means looking at those fears and insecurities. Facing those fears and sharing them prevents shame while freeing me. It may not heal my fears at first, but it's one step closer. I've gathered my courage to share a huge one here.

The major fear that has been surfacing and has me feeling overwhelmed, unsettled, sad, anxious and terrified is that (did you hear the deep breath?) that I am going to ruin my next relationship. That I was responsible for the death and undoing of my marriage and that I will repeat that pattern with my next relationship. With the ultimate ending of being perpetually alone.

The best part of putting that out there is how ridiculous it sounds once you say it. You and I are going to break this fear down and put it to rest.

1. I know that I was not solely responsible for the death of my marriage, nor was the sole responsibility on my children's father- it was both of us.
2. I am not the same person I was when I got married at 23 or divorced in my 30s. I have been attending therapy ongoing for the past 2.5 years working on myself to the best of my abilities. I have changed my mindset on so many part of myself it astounds even me. I can't repeat the pattern if I've changed my mindset.
3. I am so much more aware of my own faults and needs. In being more aware I have a choice to share these in a relationship and be open and vulnerable, which would also prevent the repeat of a pattern. If I chose not to share then yes- I am vulnerable to repeating parts of the pattern.
4. I am not alone. I have 4 amazing kids, a strong network of friends, family, and others that love me. I have my faith. I am not alone. I might be lonely at times, but I am not alone.

In taking apart that fear, writing it out for all the world to see, and laughing at the ridiculous of parts of it I have released that negative energy and am incredibly lighter. Thank you to all of you for being a part of this healing journey.

I think that for many of us who are divorced that this a huge fear of ours. No one wants to end up sad and lonely and miserable. But I have a choice in my life: I can chose to live a life of sadness, loneliness and misery, the eternal Eeyore, or I can chose light, life, hope, and magic. I'm fairly sure you can tell what I chose. For now, I can look at this fear and put it to rest. I can't guarantee that it may not return, but I just have to read those 4 simple truths to find my center and ground.