Avoidance is not a good thing

So earlier today I wrote you all a relatively light post about clothing because I was avoiding the real issue. I figured if I wrote something that it would help, but by not addressing the issue I made it worse. Now that you're wondering what the issue was, it's such a simple complex thing. I was lonely.

I was lonely and it was triggering my anxiety. I did what I was supposed to do. I reached out to people; I did my deep breathing. I took a walk; I read a book. I engaged in distractions (bills and the Eagles game). Here's the thing though, I managed to keep some of the anxiety at bay, but not enough. So when my kiddos walked in the door after being at their dad's all weekend I started to lose my cool. I was snipping and snapping at them for no real reason other than I was anxious and their exuberance was setting me off. All I wanted/needed was a hug, but they were too wound up to give any. I found myself wishing that they were still with their dad, and then immediately felt huge mom guilt. I realized I actually wanted them home, but just asleep so that I could have them here. And even that thought gave me mom guilt. Let's just say that guilt+loneliness+anxiety was not a good thing.

Here's the truth about single parenting and split parenting, it's tougher than anything I've ever done, including that PhD. I love my kids with all my heart and I'd do anything for them. I want the world for them. I heard Jason Mraz's Have It All during the midst of my meltdown and all I could think about was what I want for my kids and how I was desperately failing them. I mean what mom wants their kids to leave within minutes of them being home? Me- this majorly flawed mama does. But we all know that's the anxiety talking and not the truth. It's tough to admit and even write about those parts of the meltdown I was having, but it's one of the best ways to conquer the shame and guilt.

With a little bit of managing I was able to get myself together and try to make some sense of the anxiety. Truth? A lot was rooted in the loneliness, but some is rooted in knowing that tomorrow, October 1, is another step in the divorce process as the lawyers head to court. It brings up fresh waves of grief. I was brought to my knees bawling in the middle of my kitchen as Dan + Shay sang From the Ground Up as I thought about what could have been and where I thought I would be. I never imagined I would be a single, divorced mom of 4, closing in on 40. I know the grieving and healing process takes time and this is just another step, but it took me off guard.

I spent the night battling tears while cooking dinner, eating dinner and bathing my kiddos. Anxiety, loneliness and grief are not a good combination. When they finally went to bed I was relieved. I could be present with my emotions. With a gift from the muses my streaming tuned into Shawn Mendes' In My Blood and I was taken in again, as I often am with this song. It's one of the few that can pull the tears instantly and again, I was crying in my kitchen, melting, wishing for someone to be here. If you haven't really listened to that song please go do. This is a section of the lyrics/chorus:

I need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

It really speaks to where I was at and what I needed.  My walls are crashing and I want to give up, but I can't and won't. I didn't get to where I am today by quitting. But truth, I'm lonely and sad and I don't want to turn out my light to sleep alone. That's the reality of my life tonight.

Clothes and Compliments

In my new position at work I have the opportunity to dress in dresses and heels, and I often take advantage of it. I love the ability to wear a dress and heels. It gives me an internal power and confidence that I just don't have when I'm wearing scrubs and a t-shirt to work. Now don't get me wrong, there are certainly days I would like to roll out of bed and toss on my scrubs pants and a t-shirt, but for now I'm enjoying the perks of my new position. In fact I'm known to thrown on a dressier outfit for work if I'm having a rough morning, just so I can try to capture some of that confidence.

All of this being said about work, I also enjoy getting dressed up to go out. I don't get dressed up to impress anyone. Sure, I may want to look nice, but that's not the same thing. I get dressed up for ME. Wearing a nice dress and heels, with my hair and makeup done makes me feel pretty and confident, that I can take on the world. You can't buy that kind of feeling, and I know that when I feel that good it radiates outward. It's amazing what a little self-confidence can do. Others may think the outfit is for them, but it's not. It's for me. You're welcome to appreciate it in a respectful manner, but never think I'm doing it for you.

That point being cleared up, let's clarify those compliments. Everyone likes a well done compliment. No one wants a backhanded compliment, and if you're receiving compliments, be gracious. Just say thank you and move on, or even better return it with a thoughtful compliment. Personally, I don't want to be called "cute". If I'm all dressed up, I don't think of myself as cute; beautiful, attractive, pretty would be terms I would prefer. Cute makes me think of babies, toddlers, puppies, kittens, etc.; certainly not a full grown woman. But again, that's just me. So really, make those compliments thoughtful and appropriate. You never know how those words will impact the person.

Soundtracks

Isn't it funny how different periods of our life have different soundtracks? I'm sure you can remember the songs that took you through middle school, high school, and college. There was a period of time where my life was defined by toddler tunes and Jack Johnson and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Funny enough, my oldest can't listen to Banana Pancakes without getting sleepy since we played it the first 2 years of her life to help her settle and sleep. Music is such an integral part of our lives; I'm sure you've had instances where you hear a song and you are automatically reminded of a specific memory or feeling.

These past 2 years I have had a number of different soundtracks through my life as I work through different phases of this process. It's ranged from love to heartbreak to frustration, anger, desperation and freedom. It's been defiant, uplifting, dramatic, gut-wrenching and soul moving. There are moments when a song can bring me to tears with the opening measures, and other where mid-chorus I break down into tears. Sometimes you will find me belting out songs to give myself a lift and other times you will find me dragging my kids up to dance. In fact, our latest song to dance and groove to is Sway by Danielle Bradbery. They like to figure out the timing so that they're swaying in the correct direction that she's singing. There's nothing more special than a dance party with your kids.

It's interesting that lots of people assume that my soundtrack should focus on songs like Rachel Platten's Fight Song, Little Big Town's Better Man, and There's Nothing Holding Me Back. The reality is there have been a time and place for these songs, but they were never my primary focus. In all honesty, it depends on my mood and moment to moment needs. Sometimes I need a little Imagine Dragons On Top of the World and other times I need to let it all out with Shawn Mendes In My Blood when my anxiety has me going crazy. There are moments when I want to be soothed and envision an amazing future and I listen to Hunter Hayes Wanted, or Blake Shelton's God Gave Me You. I think about moments that may come and songs like Don't You Wanna Stay and Just a Kiss. What can I say? I'm a romantic at heart and I refuse to believe that I will be alone forever.

There are moments when I need to dance and forget everything; these moments I need to feel the beat and just be free. You'll find me having a dance party in my kitchen or living room or bedroom, alone. Dance party music is everything from David Guetta's Titanium to Can't Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake. I really do listen to almost every genre.  Each and every one of these songs has played a role in my healing process, but I have to say I am curious to think about how I will define this soundtrack 5 years from now. What songs will have had the most influence on me and take me back to this place?

Happiness and Perspective

Sometimes all it takes is a little time and perspective to find that piece that is missing. I know that it was just yesterday that I was writing about floating along. Today, I am grounded with a seed of happiness within me. How did it happen so fast? Let me tell you a little story.

As you may have guessed writing helps me process things. I write here on my blog, I journal, I write letters (some I send, some I don't). It just gives me a place to get it all out in different formats. On top of my writing I pray nightly and I reach out to specific friends (you know who you are). Today I woke up in a better space than where I was yesterday most of the day. Sometimes it's just about giving it time and really a good night's sleep in your own bed can do amazing healing. But today I spent the day doing outdoor chores. There was a pear tree that tried to take me down, and in fact knocked me back on butt about 5ft when my saw separated. I was fine, just a little bit of wind knocked out of me. But after a break I went back and attacked that tree to finish trimming it.

It was while I was standing next to my fire pit breaking up those pear tree branches that I found that grain of internal happiness and perspective. I was thinking random things and thinking about different people in my life. A thought crossed my mind about how impressive this act might be to a certain person, when I thought to myself. "Why am I trying to impress them with this mundane action?" And it hit me- I didn't need to impress them with my actions, they should be just be impressed/like me for me. I know, it's something I should know and believe, but I haven't believed that in a long while. Today though, it stuck.

I am me, perfectly imperfect, but just who I should be. I'm a mom to 4 amazing kids. I'm a pediatric PT. I've got a PhD. I'm a certified Epic clinical builder. I'm a lifeguard. I'm a runner. I'm a former crazy cloth diapering mama. I'm granola crunchy. I love fiercely and with my entire heart. I have anxiety but it does not define me. I cherish my friends and family. I have a very tight group of friends, preferring quality friendships over quantity.  I will help out anyone who needs it, but if my friends need me I will do everything in my power to help. I will pray for you. I love being outside. I'm not afraid of power tools and enjoy using them. I'll try anything once. I have a tattoo of hope on my wrist to help me focus in times of stress and pain.

It was a freeing moment to realize that I am enough. I don't have to impress anyone, and if you don't want to include me or forget to include me that's on you. I will be happy without you, but I would like to share my joy with you. And that my friends is my seed of happiness. As I promised a dear friend of mine, I'm not settling for a seed, but will seek more.

Floating, Tumbling & Twisting

Sometimes it's like floating just beneath the surface of the water. Do you go up to the surface for air or down to the bottom for grounding with a plan to push when it's time? The indecision can be crippling, leaving you struggling and there are no lifeguards in sight. You wonder when you will not be trapped always floating, never truly grounded and never truly breathing freely.

This is the best analogy to how I feel at moments, floating between the layers alone. I've just come back from another trip to Madison, and while each previous trip has graced me something special, this trip left my physically and emotionally tired. It's always a challenge to go on a trip surrounded by groups of people and know that you are there alone; it's worse when you know that there are people there from your group, but they have chosen not to interact with you. I felt like I was floating in Madison, not the happy floating on clouds stuff, but of what I spoke above. And it's not just in Madison where I float, but it feels like everywhere. It's the feeling of not quite fitting in, not belonging and being left behind; which everyone knows at some point in their lives, but at this transitional period it is the defining feeling. I know it will pass; and I pray daily for continued hope, peace and freedom.

First, I should say I love my new position. It challenges me in new methods and skills, creates unique thinking opportunities, and utilizes skills that I had forgotten I had. It affords me what I need in my life right now, and I don't regret accepting my position. That being said, I miss my connection with my amazing coworkers. I am no longer a treating therapist, down in the trenches working with challenging parents and kids, juggling the joys of treatment and the dreaded documentation. I could pretend I am with them, but I'm not and we all know it. They don't treat me any different, but I know it's not the same and that's enough. So I float along, no longer a therapist, but not a supervisor or management, not quite fitting in with them either. They are great individuals to work with, but we all know I'm not quite one of them, so I float along. Add to that the other team to which I report doesn't know who I am, my role or what to make of me. So here I am floating along, not a therapist, not a manager and not information services.

Let's compound this with floating along in my personal life, the only adult in the household surrounded by traditional families, and the only friend in my main group now a singleton. I've spent the summer watching you all go the shore and the beach and have nights out with your friends and significant others. I've tumbled and twisted myself into messes about this, and my best solution is to float. I won't let the sting of being left behind bother me anymore, so I float along.

I'd rather float than be a tumbled twisted mess of anxiety and sadness. What I can do is chose my path: float or drown; and I'll float until I can gain more ground. I was blessed by these words from a friend, and when I'm having a rough day of floating I reread them to remind myself that I have a choice

"I can hope you don't internalize the bad time. But you're the only one that can either rationalize your actions or ignore the pain and not let it get to you" 

I can chose to float or I can chose to be tumbled and twisted mess, letting anxiety rob me of everything. I know that this floating period will pass. I will peer up to the surface, getting the air when I need it and pushing off the bottom for grounding when I need it as well. I will chose to visualize myself not as trapped in the layers, but floating on the bubbles that exist within.