Birthdays

With my birthday coming up very soon I have to share a story. My birthday has become a sore spot for me. It's not the getting older part, but the memories that it invokes. You see, it was my birthday weekend of 2017 that I came to the full heartbreaking conclusion that my marriage was over.

I had been invited to a surprise birthday party for my dear friend in Vermont. Her husband was throwing her a random surprise birthday party and to me at the time it seemed like the sweetest thing in the world. All I asked for for my birthday that year was to go to this party alone, a much needed weekend away. Departing on that Friday, my actual birthday, I went to go celebrate her and learned so much about my marriage that short weekend away. I went, not expecting the emotional reactions that I would have and the falling out that would occur.

Have you ever been around that couple that radiates love so strongly it's felt across the room? Watched them as they move their separate ways, but still intimately connected?
See the eye contact they make from their distance spaces and be overwhelmed with the love and connection?

That's the couple I found when I attended this birthday party. My friend and her husband were so obviously enamored with each other it was breathtaking, and I was crushed. I wasn't jealous, just crushed.

My core collapsed with sadness, and the knowledge, that I didn't have that in my marriage. I spent time fighting back tears, socializing, smiling and enjoying myself while coming to a horrendous conclusion. I can remember not wanting the party to end, that it was better to be in exquisite pain in the company of others than face my hotel room alone with the knowledge I had gained. When the night ended and I was finally alone in a room that was designed for romantic interludes my world imploded.

Tears, a fireplace, a journal, endless tears, muffled screams, rocking inconsolably on the floor, hopelessly alone. Who are you going to call on a late Saturday night when you finally understand that your world has shattered? The magical illusion could no longer exist when faced with the truth of a beautiful marriage and partnership. It took hours to get to a place to where I could leave the floor and crawl into a bed designed for happy couples. Every aspect of the room I was occupying was geared towards a couple and there I was, a singleton, complete with new knowledge that there would be many more instances in my life like this. How do you survive as a singleton when you've been a duo for near 20 years? On and on my mind spun, unable to reach that point of numbing exhaustion from grief. I know that at some point I was able to sleep, surrounded by pillows so that I could pretend I wasn't so alone.

Then came the dawn, waking up like Eve with gift of knowledge that I would like to return. I was supposed to meet my friend and her husband for breakfast, I begged off. I can't remember what I told her, maybe I said I was ill, maybe I said I overslept, maybe I said I needed to get home sooner. It doesn't matter, but there was no way I could go face them. She knows me well enough that had I met her I would have collapsed, unable to maintain the charade I had maintained for months. I know I texted a friend back in Pennsylvania who assured me that it was OK to bail on my friend and she encouraged me to get on the road, knowing I had 8 hours of driving to undertake. It was a drive filled with tears, pulling over at rest stops to cry inconsolably. Every song seemed to make the tears come more, and the silence was unbearable.

Then there was the knowledge that I was driving home, to a place that didn't truly feel like home. I wanted to go anywhere but there. I didn't think I had the strength or courage to face him or my kids and pretend that my weekend was fabulous. Somewhere I found the strength to make it home, plaster on a smile and have a late dinner with my kids and their dad. We celebrated my birthday with some brownies that a coworker had gifted me prior to my departure from work on Friday. Because you see, I arrived home anticipating some sort of birthday celebration, since I had been gone on my actual birthday, but my family had nothing. Those simple brownies took on a brand new meaning.

I can remember that an errand needed to be run soon after I got home, and despite my fatigue I jumped at the chance to leave the house again. I was so miserable. I ran the errand and remember texting my therapist begging for an appointment the next day because I couldn't imagine waiting 3 days. Being home was torturous, being out was misery; there seemed to be no relief in sight. I craved sleep and oblivion. Little did I know that I would be getting a significant amount of sleep over the next week as my body caved to the stress and I spiked fevers all week, unable to get out of bed or go to work, cancelling my half-marathon that was supposed to be run the following weekend.

Of course this birthday weekend was just one piece of the puzzle, but it is the intricate piece that connects my former two parent family to a now single parent family. I have hidden this story away, locked in my mind and journal, letting the shame and guilt build and letting it infect my birthday. Last year I dreaded my birthday, knowing that it would bring up these memories. While my birthday in 2018 did not have the life changing, soul crushing, world crashing impact that 2017 did, it presented its own unique sadness.

You can imagine that with my 2019 birthday pending I have anxiety mounting. In fact the past two days have brought increasing anxiety that I have finally attributed to my birthday. I share this story to let go of the shame and guilt and resentment, offer forgiveness and enter a mindset of gratitude.  I have so much to be thankful and grateful for this year. I am happy and healthy. I have an amazing group of friends, people that love me and adventures awaiting. 2019 was brought about with magic and a new connection. There is no reason to believe that this birthday will bring anything but joy, love and magic. With the closing of this post I am releasing all that no longer serves me of these memories in order to be free for magic and love.

Facing a Fear

Any of you that have participated in therapy of any kind know that the real work occurs outside of the therapy session, be it your home exercise program or the homework your therapist assigns, this is where the real work begins. You can't truly accomplish changes and growth in 1-2 hours per week in the safety of a clinic. You need to put in the work at home and in your life. Today, I am feeling that work and I haven't even begun my homework that was assigned today.

I can leave my therapy sessions feeling relieved, exhausted, elated, free, drained, anxious, tired, or an entire host of different emotions. Today I left and was just tired, but as the day progressed it morphed into some different forms of my anxiety and sadness, and brought up some deep rooted fears/insecurities. It could be very easy to let those fears and insecurities trigger my anxiety to ramp up and set me for a downward spiral. I am using my techniques to prevent the anxiety spiral and that means looking at those fears and insecurities. Facing those fears and sharing them prevents shame while freeing me. It may not heal my fears at first, but it's one step closer. I've gathered my courage to share a huge one here.

The major fear that has been surfacing and has me feeling overwhelmed, unsettled, sad, anxious and terrified is that (did you hear the deep breath?) that I am going to ruin my next relationship. That I was responsible for the death and undoing of my marriage and that I will repeat that pattern with my next relationship. With the ultimate ending of being perpetually alone.

The best part of putting that out there is how ridiculous it sounds once you say it. You and I are going to break this fear down and put it to rest.

1. I know that I was not solely responsible for the death of my marriage, nor was the sole responsibility on my children's father- it was both of us.
2. I am not the same person I was when I got married at 23 or divorced in my 30s. I have been attending therapy ongoing for the past 2.5 years working on myself to the best of my abilities. I have changed my mindset on so many part of myself it astounds even me. I can't repeat the pattern if I've changed my mindset.
3. I am so much more aware of my own faults and needs. In being more aware I have a choice to share these in a relationship and be open and vulnerable, which would also prevent the repeat of a pattern. If I chose not to share then yes- I am vulnerable to repeating parts of the pattern.
4. I am not alone. I have 4 amazing kids, a strong network of friends, family, and others that love me. I have my faith. I am not alone. I might be lonely at times, but I am not alone.

In taking apart that fear, writing it out for all the world to see, and laughing at the ridiculous of parts of it I have released that negative energy and am incredibly lighter. Thank you to all of you for being a part of this healing journey.

I think that for many of us who are divorced that this a huge fear of ours. No one wants to end up sad and lonely and miserable. But I have a choice in my life: I can chose to live a life of sadness, loneliness and misery, the eternal Eeyore, or I can chose light, life, hope, and magic. I'm fairly sure you can tell what I chose. For now, I can look at this fear and put it to rest. I can't guarantee that it may not return, but I just have to read those 4 simple truths to find my center and ground. 

One year, 2 days

One year and 2 days I embarked on my new position at my hospital. It was a HUGE leap of faith for me. I had no idea what exactly my job would entail, in fact my manager and those that advocated for my position didn't quite know what my job would entail. It took me out of daily patient care and into the tech and analytics world. Analytics I'm wired for, tech not quite as much, but thanks to some amazing mentors I've made my way. I certainly have a lot that I can still learn, but this job has been a blessing.

This job allows me the flexibility that I need in my life right now that I just can't have with a full-time patient care position. It allows me to have days like the other day: taking the kids to the dentist, fielding a conference call in the dental waiting area, dropping them at school and then hosting a very important conference call from my minivan while parked in front of the school. It's with the blessing of my management that I am able to do these things. There's something to be said for an amazing manager.

I never imagined myself in a role like this honestly. I left grad school and just wanted to go back to being a practicing therapist and find my way into some clinical therapy research. I made inroads into the clinical research, but there were a lot of obstacles and when my personal life started falling apart it was one of the things that fell by the wayside. In this role I can start pursuing that again.

The other component of this position is that I am not emotionally drained at the end of the day. I may have some significant mental fatigue, but I am not emotionally wiped. I never realized how much of myself I invested into my patients and families and the significant toll it was on my health until I was out of it. It honestly took almost 6 months to heal from that stress. Trying to go through a divorce and all the upheaval that it creates while simultaneously supporting families of children with disabilities in all different stages stripped me raw. I was coaching families on grieving the loss of the child they imagined during pregnancy while undergoing my own intense grieving process, and that left me tired and anxious. I have been able to heal myself and practice self care in a way that would not have been possible had I stayed in my patient care role.

Don't think that I don't miss my patients and families. I miss the magic that happens in a therapy session when you get to witness that first sit or steps on their own and know that you played a role in it. Or, when you give a child a piece of equipment and suddenly they're upright and mobile. I cherish those moments and magic that they brought to me. Today marks the return of patient care into my schedule. It's a tiny amount with only 1 scheduled per month, but it was wonderful to step away from my desk and use my therapist brain. To talk with a patient and family and figure out their needs and know that I can assist them.

I know what a journey I have taken over the past year in my career, faith, family and my own personal outlook. I am looking forward to seeing where the next year is going to be bringing me. I anticipate a year of more magic moments.