Jealousy

Hi! My name is Gina and I am JEALOUS! Isn't that how these meetings are supposed to start? Man I hate being jealous, it eats away at you and you know it's wrong, but sometimes you just ARE! So what am I jealous about today- another fellow student just defended his dissertation yesterday. I am super happy for him, really I am! He has worked so hard, but I swear 2 months ago when I spoke to him he was talking about a summer defense and I was talking about May/June, and now he's done and I can't get 1 person to commit to a date! Thus I'm jealous.

Just having one of those weeks where I am feeling more and more behind and am on pins and needles because I am this close (see my fingers with that tiny space between them) to setting a date. I don't get how he went from summer to defending yesterday! A committee that works better than mine is probably step number one, not being behind in writing would be number two. Lessons learned that I need to share now: when you are at this stage in your dissertation you should have already finished major edits to the majority of your chapters, not still be working on them. This is a side tangent that I could discuss for ages, but will drop it now.

So back to my jealousy- I don't want to be jealous of him or the other graduates of our program from this year but I am. Jealous they are done, jealous that the committee member we all shared had more time for them this semester than me. Which I will not bring up with said member, because it will be dumped on my head about my lack of communication. Ugh! There's another rant right there, but I digress. My head is happy for them, they worked hard and it aggravates me that I find parts of my heart that are jealous. I know it's just a current state and it will pass, that it comes from me wanting to be done so badly and being burned out beyond belief and well just plain human nature. We are all at time jealous whether we want to be or not, will I obsess about it- not usually, but today I will, since it has been eating away at me since last week.

Personal thoughts are that the obsessive jealousy comes from not getting my date set (1 member holding back) and just being completely surprised that he was ready to defend. It took me off guard and I think the jealousy stems from feeling inadequate. I know the end is in sight, July is right around the corner and I'm worried. Worried that I will field some impossible questions at my defense, worried, worried worried worried. My Christian friends will tell me to offer it up to Jesus, which I am doing, but it's difficult to let go. So I'm purging a bit here in hopes that it will help rid me of these green eyes.

Now that I've ranted let me tell you a funny story from this morning.

Sitting on the floor nursing B after she woke up, Al comes in and says when you're done giving her mama milk DJ needs you in the bathroom. "He's pooped and waving his poopy butt at me." Find DJ bent over waggling his bum in the air yelling to be wiped. It was funny- I promise. Aren't two year old naked bums funny to you?