Jealousy

Hi! My name is Gina and I am JEALOUS! Isn't that how these meetings are supposed to start? Man I hate being jealous, it eats away at you and you know it's wrong, but sometimes you just ARE! So what am I jealous about today- another fellow student just defended his dissertation yesterday. I am super happy for him, really I am! He has worked so hard, but I swear 2 months ago when I spoke to him he was talking about a summer defense and I was talking about May/June, and now he's done and I can't get 1 person to commit to a date! Thus I'm jealous.

Just having one of those weeks where I am feeling more and more behind and am on pins and needles because I am this close (see my fingers with that tiny space between them) to setting a date. I don't get how he went from summer to defending yesterday! A committee that works better than mine is probably step number one, not being behind in writing would be number two. Lessons learned that I need to share now: when you are at this stage in your dissertation you should have already finished major edits to the majority of your chapters, not still be working on them. This is a side tangent that I could discuss for ages, but will drop it now.

So back to my jealousy- I don't want to be jealous of him or the other graduates of our program from this year but I am. Jealous they are done, jealous that the committee member we all shared had more time for them this semester than me. Which I will not bring up with said member, because it will be dumped on my head about my lack of communication. Ugh! There's another rant right there, but I digress. My head is happy for them, they worked hard and it aggravates me that I find parts of my heart that are jealous. I know it's just a current state and it will pass, that it comes from me wanting to be done so badly and being burned out beyond belief and well just plain human nature. We are all at time jealous whether we want to be or not, will I obsess about it- not usually, but today I will, since it has been eating away at me since last week.

Personal thoughts are that the obsessive jealousy comes from not getting my date set (1 member holding back) and just being completely surprised that he was ready to defend. It took me off guard and I think the jealousy stems from feeling inadequate. I know the end is in sight, July is right around the corner and I'm worried. Worried that I will field some impossible questions at my defense, worried, worried worried worried. My Christian friends will tell me to offer it up to Jesus, which I am doing, but it's difficult to let go. So I'm purging a bit here in hopes that it will help rid me of these green eyes.

Now that I've ranted let me tell you a funny story from this morning.

Sitting on the floor nursing B after she woke up, Al comes in and says when you're done giving her mama milk DJ needs you in the bathroom. "He's pooped and waving his poopy butt at me." Find DJ bent over waggling his bum in the air yelling to be wiped. It was funny- I promise. Aren't two year old naked bums funny to you?

Graduation

So about 3 weeks ago I "graduated." I walked across a stage, was hooded by my primary adviser, shook hands with the president and dean, had lots of pictures taken and had family and friends there. Here's the catch- I'm not actually done.

It's funny. To me walking across that stage meant so much to me, and it was difficult until right before the ceremony to be super excited about it. I have fought so long and so hard for this, that I expected to be ecstatic. I wasn't, and I believe that it was just because I'm not done yet. I know lots of people go through similar situations, but I had not planned on this, nor realized how it would impact me until I experienced it. While I had the option to delay participating and graduate in December hubby and I made the choice to do it in May because we do not plan on being here in December and it does not make financial sense to have everyone trek back here to watch me walk. I also made the choice to tell my family that I did not want a big celebration, nor gifts, until I am completely done. Sometimes I feel like I may have cheated them out of a celebration, but I am hoping that they can join us when I defend, because there will be a party then! I know everyone understands, but I just wanted to let you all know that I love you all and I know you are supporting me (and hubby and the kids) as we finish this process.

So the abridged version of where I stand right now is that EVERYTHING is written, we are just editing. Which is a major chore when the initial comments were you need to cut, which I knew but sometimes you just don't have a clue where or how, but I have persevered and I think at least one chapter may be done until my outside member reads it. We are trying to finalize a date in early July, which is a month later than I wanted, but when your adviser gets it in her head that she will be reading your dissertation on her vacation there is no arguing. While I applaud her efforts and dedication- I wouldn't want to read my dissertation (or anyone's) while I am on vacation. So a few prayers if you please that I will get the early July date and not the others and for me to have great focus and learning the next month or so.

To my hubby

Dear Hubby,

I know that today did not go as planned, but I wanted to tell you that I love and am proud of you. You have done so much for me, especially these past 4+ months. I am sure that you told me about the importance of today, and I am so sorry that I didn't remember it, nor make enough time for you to have the time that you needed. Please don't be overly hard on yourself, you have a lot on your plate, more than most would care to imagine. I can only promise that things will get better and WE will make time for you.

Thank you for:

• putting the kids to bed 5+ nights a week
• doing the dishes every night
• cleaning the kitchen every night
• doing and folding laundry, including diapers
• taking out the trash & recycle and bringing them back in
• mowing the lawn
• running errands
• fixing Co-Op
• putting up with me and my temper
• supporting (physically, emotionally, financially) me through this endeavor
• making me do fun things with you and with the kids so I didn't go completely crazy the past 4+ months
• tolerating (and enjoying) meals made on an increasingly limited budget and with more and more beans
• not making me feel guilty when I just needed some "me" time even I had been out/away every night working on school stuff

 I love you.

Yours,
Gina