Just a Day

It's just a day. That's what I keep telling myself. I'll say it until I'm blue in the face, likely at some point with tears falling down my face. It's just a day.

But it's not just a "day" in my mind. It would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. And yes, even though I'm in the process of getting divorced, this day has meaning. It was the start of our life together, a day of hopes, dreams and love. I can't deny it and it doesn't make sense to deny the day. It was a magical day filled with friends, family and entertainment. From being so distracted outside the church talking that we delayed the start, to turning around because someone forgot to pack our overnight bags (not him or me, family forgot) to a really drunk best man butchering his speech and almost kissing the best man when the ex stepped away; it was a special day. But I'm not really at a space in my life where I can reflect on all those moments and more, without feeling like a failure and having regrets.

I don't know many divorced people that don't have regrets. I know many divorced women who also struggle with that feeling of failure. I can say the times it sneaks in I have the ability to remind myself of the journey that took me where I am today, and remind myself strongly that I did not fail. But today, it's nearly impossible. I'm cognizant enough to realize that it's really just my anxiety telling me lies and bringing those fears to life. That doesn't make it any easier. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is a grieving process. And this year, I am at a new stage as compared to last year. It's not better or worse, just different.

If we're completely honesty here I'd say I'd rather numb out the day with a long run, sleep and alcohol. But, it's Thursday and I have to work. In fact, I have an important session to co-lead today and it would be detrimental to my team if I opted to not show up because I didn't feel like it. So it's a put on your big girl panties kind of day and just deal with the real world. And hopefully in dealing with the real world I'll find some healing. And if you see me around today I won't say no to a hug or you all blowing up my phone with funny texts and gifs.