Firsts

Living life as a now single mom is full of firsts. And I'm not talking about romantic firsts, I'm talking about those daily things that your partner used to do that now are your responsibility. Some of these firsts I have tackled with this "I got this!" attitude- almost an I'll show you I don't need you around kind of thing. And others just sneak up on you. For instance, the other day I had to fill the gas can for the mower. It's a silly little thing but the ex was in charge of mowing and it must be the last time it needed gas my dad filled it. So, I lugged 4 kids in the van to drive 1/2 a mile and fill up a gas can so I could mow.

I find each one of these firsts to be a different experience. My first time mowing the lawn- that was both terrifying and exhilarating. The first fire I did in my fire pit- amazingly powerful! But under each of these firsts is a bit of sadness. These firsts are just the starting point of another thing that I need to manage on my own; one more item to add to my to do list and agenda; one more thing to take away time from my kids. And they can even be a slap in the face reminder that you are juggling more now than ever.

But I wouldn't change it. Yes. I'll come out and say that. There's no point in lying about it. Each first is a stepping stone in creating my new life for my kids and I. I'm trying my best to handle these firsts with grace and dignity, but it doesn't always happen. On occasion there is also that moment when a first is so significant and you find yourself all alone that you want to crawl under the covers and cry yourself to sleep.

These firsts are a moment when I need to take a step back and find some perspective, which is always easier said than done. But really perspective is what's needed. This a journey that is full of surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant. And when you get caught up in the moment of them you can lose that perspective. I'm working on doing a better job of catching myself mid-moment to breathe, focus and determine what it is I need in this particular situation. I'm trying to file away each of these firsts, and there are many I'm sure I'm missing, but it's ok. It's about the pathway to a different life and learning to navigate the world as a singleton.