Goodbye 2023

I'm not here to say that 2023 was the year that forged me, or give the year that broke me a silver lining. 2023 was brutal, and no amount of sugar coating will change that. I lost friends in unexpected ways, in the cruelest ways, lost community, and lost myself. It was a year of anxiety, depression, medication ups and downs, frustration, tears, tears, and more tears. I fought, I cried, I crumbled, I dissolved. I got help, lots of help. I reached out to the best of my abilities, and yet I still kept so much to myself, until it would come pouring out like steam from a teakettle on an unsuspecting bystander. There were days that a single look could trigger me.

2023 broke me, shattered me, burned me to the ground. Ashes left. No path, no direction. I left a job with a team that I enjoyed when my world burned away. I had to start anew, and yet it wasn't the fresh start that I truly envisioned. I was still so broken, trying to find something among the ashes. I struggled to do the things I enjoyed from hiking and backpacking to reading to writing. My blog silent as the thought of sharing all the details and struggles were simply too much. Many days were simply about breathing and finding the energy to get through work and caring for my kids, extra activities were simply that- extra. 

As I left the fog of the spring and found my way into summer I was still so broken, yet I was coming around, finding time and space for me. Seeking out new friendships, exploring new relationships, yet still dealing with anxiety and depression. Hiking and backpacking which had always been a beautiful escape and healing place was not always a safe space with the ongoing unhealed trauma of forcibly losing the APT. There were so many unknown triggers, and yet there was an individual who made me feel safe. They listened and welcomed me, cared for me, and simply let me be the mess that I could be at moments and was there when I came to the other side. A beautiful safe person among the chaos who simply liked me for me.

My 2023 adventures were nothing of what I had planned. The trips, the hiking, the backpacking, the outings with my kids, all a struggle while working through the remnants of a mental health crisis. As the summer progressed I could see that the late winter and spring had truly been a mental health crisis for me, and while I was on the healing end of it, it was, and still is, at times terrifying to see where I was. I found comfort on the water, instead of on land with a pack on my back. Time on my paddleboard or in a kayak became some of that refuge, as well as books. I could lose myself in a story and forget about my own world, lost in a character, lost in the fantasy world of magic and Fae. The strength of these characters a lifeline for myself who had lost her strength, her spark, her everything. Even as the summer progressed and I began to find my footing and moments of joy and happiness and laughter found me more often there were struggles with anxiety. Court came and went, changes to a custody agreement that had been in place for 5 years, with the knowledge that more changes would be coming as the year progressed.

The fall came and kids became a large focus again with school beginning, activities, and I needed to also make time for me. Hiking began to appeal to me, so a few short trips were had, these with such different feelings from years past. No longer about mileage, but about being there. Breathing in the air, listening to nature, stopping to read my book for a while at a stream with my feet in the water. Stillness, peace, healing must have been what I sought, that I could not simply find within the confines of my home. Peace and healing also occurred with the person who made me feel safe, though there were triggers there too. When one has become accustomed to trauma, abuse, and instability in a relationship the safety of another could trigger me. I was waiting for the explosion or implosion, projecting history onto one who was simply not that way.

2023 left battle scars. I lost weight from the depression and anxiety, the medication that I so desperately required made me gain it all back and then some. Emails, texts, and social media posts could trigger me into an anxiety spiral. There were so many moments where I felt like I could not breathe, and physically I had breathless moments. November found me digging out my inhaler from my drawer as illness descended and moving air became a challenge. My house a construction zone, my new job becoming ever more a challenge and a pain point, my kids activities taking over, custody battle ongoing, and the holidays closing quickly. I craved comfort, peace, safety, security, and yet it was so far away, nearly unattainable.

2023 closed with a new adventure, snowboarding. Something I had wanted to enjoy with kids earlier, yet life had always intervened. Two days in the snow in the Poconos of Pennsylvania learning, falling, laughing, and falling in love with something new. The inner joy and pride at looking up a slope and seeing that this time you made it 3/4 of the way down without falling; knowing that this current fall was because you were trying to turn and dug in too much of an edge, not because you panicked. This trip gave me a multitude of gifts, one of which is simply finding the joy in adventuring again and the resilience in picking yourself up again after falling. I watched my children cheer each other on; I watched them cheer me on, and we all bonded on the snow. Though many runs blend together a few stand out, and as I balanced and made my way down I found I had a personal cheering squad, a single individual there applauding me, and that my friends, made my day. A single person there solely for me, happy for me, proud of me for doing nothing more than not falling. A simple little gift, but one I will cherish. I never would have imagined at the start of 2023 that a small mountain with manmade snow would be the highlight of the year, but it has been. 2023 broke me, challenged me, changed me, and left me adrift, yet it ended with a beautiful adventure. No silver linings, a simple shift into 2024 with a new love and a goodbye wave to 2023.