This is Anxiety

Anxiety spirals and spirals and spirals. Until you've lived it or maybe even witnessed it you can't imagine the destruction that it weaves throughout you.

It's every negative thought you've had on repeat, but when you know it's anxiety talking, it's taking the energy to tell yourself: "This is just anxiety. This is NOT me. This is NOT my truth."

It's playing the "coulda, shoulda, woulda game" on infinite repeat; trying to catch a small break and breath to shout, that it's in the past and reminding yourself that all you can do is forgive yourself.

It's hearing a song, seeing the happy pictures and anxiety taunts you that you don't have that, while you try to recall your abundant blessings.

Anxiety is shoving these crazy intense thoughts into a box while you try to function at your current activity, hoping and praying that it doesn't leak out. Waiting for the moment that it slips out and someone catches you in what feels like a lie.

It's feeling like a fraud when you know that just yesterday you were telling someone that you hadn't had a spiral in ages, and then having one come seemingly out of nowhere. It leaves you wondering what happened, what is wrong with you. And you tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with you, it's "just anxiety". But it doesn't seem like enough.

Anxiety tells you you're a bad person, unloveable, unwanted, abandoned, a mess, a failure and a thousand other things; that you'll never live up to those standards, even those standards that you set yourself. You take a breath and remind yourself that there are no standards, only the ones you set for yourself matter, but then anxiety cycles you back to the thought, which feels like fact, that you can't even reach those. On and on it spins into it's ever deepening spiral.

Anxiety tells you that you are nothing more than a label, that no one will ever see the real you. It tries to convince you that you are nothing more than that series of labels; that you have no substance. You shout into the void that it's lying, but the sound is swallowed within the depths. From there it produces every memory where no one saw you, they saw the label, the projection and you grow weary. Your shout, becomes quieter, eventually fading to a whisper as the fatigue grows and the anxiety spins faster and higher.

Your mental exhaustion is intense in the midst of a spiral. It truly is knowing that you're spiraling and not having the energy to fully stop it. Feeling futile as your known tips and tricks aren't working. Spiraling deeper as anxiety lies to you and says that you never had any way to manage it. That it will always be that way. It's feeling the seductive pull of the lies and the spiral as it eats away at your energy.

It's knowing that you should reach out to someone, anyone, and not having the energy, courage or vulnerability to complete the task. With that knowledge you cycle back to feeling weak, why can't you just fix this? You are the problem, but YOU are the solution.  These are the lies and seduction of anxiety. Feeling guilty that you can't fix yourself and not wanting to drag anyone into the chaos of the spiral. It's wanting someone here just to wade through the mess of it all and knowing that there is no one here, because you can't, just can't, in the moment reach out. Anxiety adds to that knowledge the lie that no one cares anyway.

It's hiding behind the laptop and this post rather than reach out, because anxiety has sucked your energy and your courage. It's knowing that tomorrow there will be an emotional hangover, but duty and life calls, so you plug on. It's gathering the dregs of your strength and shreds of courage potentially left to do the simple task of crawling into your empty bed and not have another spiral, while you pray for a healing sleep.

This is anxiety.