Divorce Words

I've been working towards this post for months. Some of you reading this may have even been polled about it, but after innocent words said to me on Friday they were the catalyst I needed to write this post. Words matters my friends. I thought I had heard it all when I had my 4 kids so close in age (that's a post for another day), but divorce brings out an entirely new set of craziness. Seriously, it goes back to the basics:

1. If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.
2. Treat others how you want to be treated.

That being said here are the top 10 things said to me and my fellow divorcées that are hurtful, aggravating, rude or just nonsense.

1. This is your "new normal" so you just need to get used to it. Thanks! Like I wasn't aware this was my life. Truthfully, there are multiple stages of the "new normal" and some of them so incredibly painful that you don't want to imagine spending the rest of your days in that amount of pain. We don't need your outside opinion on our life.
2. You'll be better off without them. This one hurts and is just plain rude. It implies that you saw how unhappy I was and never said a thing; it implies that the other person is a "bad" person which may not be the case. It does nothing to acknowledge my pain and only makes me feel worse about things.
3. I never liked them anyway. Gee thanks! Because my divorce is about YOUR feelings and relationship with my ex.
4. You're such a catch! Someone will snatch you right up! You should have no trouble dating. There's so much buried in this that it makes me want to cry and scream. It brings up guilt and shame. If you're so much of a "catch" then why couldn't you make this marriage work. On top of that who says the person is ready to start dating. These things were said to me early on in the process when I was just trying to figure out how to manage my family and work, much less date.
5. Dating in middle age sucks! This one is in great contrast to the above, but still same things apply. And oh yeah, thanks for that positive encouragement, especially for someone who never really dated. Because let's be real: dating in high school is NOT like dating as a 30 something year old adult. Oh! And when is 30s middle age?
6. At least you got great kids out of your marriage. Yes, this is true, but it isn't the silver lining that you think it is. There's guilt and shame and worry about if you're making the proper choice, and the knowledge that their lives are changing in a dramatic way as well. 
7. Isn't it better to be together for your kids? This one is a hard no. There is actual psychological research disproving this myth. So, no it's not better for my kids to live in a house where their parents are together but unhappy. And yes, this is my response to anyone that says that to me.
8. Must be nice to have kid-free time. I can't get over this one. Yeah, sure I get kid-free time, but you too as a married person can get that as well: it's called a sitter. See my kid-free time is not free of consequences. It means I miss things, that I don't see them everyday or talk to them everyday, that I share holidays and birthdays. It means on the first day of school I don't get dinner with my kids to hear about that amazing first day because Tuesday nights are dinner with their dad; it means on Christmas Day I pack my kids up in the afternoon and send them to their dad so that he gets his deserved time with them. So you're welcome to be jealous of my kid-free time, but think about it before you say something that seems so innocent. 
9. Did you try counseling? Did you read this book? It worked for my friends. Maybe you needed to try harder- marriage is hard. I think that divorced individuals understand how difficult a marriage is. Most of us tried with everything we had. We read books, we went to counseling, we tried. We gave it our all. It wasn't like any single one of us woke up one day and just decided to get divorced like we decide what to have for dinner. We all understand that you're trying to be helpful, but it hurts and does nothing to validate the struggle that we endured and are enduring.
10. Are you sure? Divorces are for forever. As I said before most of us struggled to get to this point and it's difficult enough without you second guessing us. We carry enough guilt, you don't need to add to it.

There's enough emotional pain, shame, guilt and a host of other things that individuals going through a divorce have to deal with, so do all of us a favor and think before you speak. I'd rather hear: I'm sorry then any of these things. What I want is to know you're going to be there in the tough times and hold space for me; to tell me that yes it does suck right now and acknowledge my feelings. Sure, you can tell me it gets better in time, but you better acknowledge my current state and be willing to walk this path with me or your words are meaningless and hurtful. Everyone knows that things change with time, but you have to let us grieve and walk with us in our grief.