Differences Between

I stood before you today in a dress, whereas 16 months ago I would have stood before you in scrub pants and a t-shirt. It's amazing what the difference a little clothing and position change will do. I was excited, proud of what I had to present to you all today. I knew that it would not go perfectly, that there were flaws in the work, but I had hope that you might see the benefit. I had hope that you might approach the situation with open minds and understanding, maybe even a touch of appreciation if I'm honest. I knew that I was asking more of you and your precious valuable time. I was hoping that you would see this as another tool, another piece of the puzzle that you can use to your end goal: making a difference in the lives of the children and families you treat. I am still naively hopeful that maybe a very few small number of you see some value in what I presented, that you are able to look beyond the added work and use this to unlock more information about your patients and families.

I had had hope that you would appreciate my honesty with the flaws and my explanations for what I am doing to fix what I can. I had had hope that when I presented things as transparently as possible it would be smoother. I thought that I had discussed the "why" and not that I came out cracking a whip, adding more to your already full plates. I had had hope that you would see me as a person, not the scapegoat, not the puppet, but me, your coworker, and to many of you, someone who used to be your friend.

I walked away today saddened and disheartened, and with the knowledge that there are 3 more of these to undergo. Maybe this is the moment you are reading and say not to take it personally, that it's just XYZ reasons, but I am a person and to me it's not just business. It's tough not to take it personally when you watch your project fizzle out and die. To hear the comments made where you think I can't hear that you aren't going to do it unless it's mandatory; that it's not valuable and is a waste of your time. I know you can't see the hours of work that I have put into this, the agonizing decisions I have made trying to balance your time, the value of the item and things that were beyond my control. You haven't sat with me as I pieced together the snippets of feedback and information from those of you who contributed and tried to make the best decisions possible for you as therapists, the families, children and what we need to be doing. You haven't sat through the meetings where I fought and said there has to be another way. I've had your back this entire time.

As I looked across the room and saw familiar faces it felt as though you were reminding me that I am no longer one of you, and that I am one of "them." I know I'm not one of you. I am not doing the hard work that you all are doing day in and day out making differences in the lives of children and families. You are never "just a therapist." You are the reason there are children walking, talking, eating, writing and accessing their worlds. You all have my utmost respect. You are doing what I could no longer do, what was killing me from the inside out. I miss my patients and families; I miss the work, the joy, the magic that is made in therapy. And I know that I made the choice I did to accept this new role 16 months ago, but it was the best decision for myself and my family.

What I didn't expect was the outcast that I would become. That I would become the scapegoat, viewed as a mouthpiece; no longer accepted by my peers, cast aside into another category of "them." I didn't expect to lose my friends. I didn't except to find myself floating between the worlds and groups. I'm not one of you magic makers, but I'm not fully accepted as one of "them," nor am I fully accepted by the other team with whom I work. It's just me.

I walked away today reminded of my separateness from people I was proud to call my friends and coworkers. Sadly, many of you are now just coworkers. A few have stayed and supported the transition and me as a person, but in my reality the rest are gone. I still continue to be proud of my coworkers. You all do amazing work, I see it everyday I walk through the gym. It's why I continue to walk through the gym- to be reminded of why I am working on these projects. Maybe you're reading this blaming me for pulling away, for not sitting with you all at lunch or joining in at functions. I had to remove myself from our lunches, they were no longer a place of relaxation when I was there. I felt attacked, and I was told that some were frustrated with my presence as it meant they couldn't speak freely about their concerns about all of the changes. So yes, I removed myself as it appeared to be the logical choice to benefit everyone. Just remember while you are enjoying lunch with your peers I'm eating alone somewhere, cutting my lunch break short because I feel like I'm constantly behind on some project that I need to address to try to make things better in your world.

I walked away today, shoving my emotions into a box because I had another meeting right after to advocate for a group of you. As the afternoon wore on the box would not hold and I sat at my desk silently working while tears dripped on my keyboard; sad about the reality of the presentation and my separateness, trying not to envision how the remaining presentations will go. I left this job and drove to my second job, crying more freely in the car, but still needing to keep things in a box until the time was appropriate. Because I'm no different than you- I'm a working parent that wants to do the best for their children and families.

Now I sit before you with more tears as I write and edit and wonder if it comes across as attacking or attention seeking. None of these are my intention. My intention is to share my story, my journey, my experiences. I lay no blame, I just ask for open minds and to remember that the person before you wearing a dress is no different than the person who could have stood before you in scrub pants and t-shirt.